[I_Maverick]

JD my big Czech mate. How you doin? Day 69 for me today, 3 more weeks and I start my 12 steps. Life is going great. Well, many aspects are still a mess, but i can COPE. WHat a big change. Such a difference. My year of recovery I have decided that this year will be.

How you doing? You must have hit 100 by now.

See you soon

[I_Maverick]

Dude, I know exactly how you feel. That has happened to many times to me online. Infact, it happened to me ALL the time live and online. no matter what I had, straights, flushes, fullhouses – someone got a the river to beat me.

What the point. There is no point. treat yourself to recovery. I am day 69 and my life is SO much better than it was even 4 weeks ago. Every day I wake up knowing I didn;t gamble the day before, every day I achieve the small number of tasks I set myself, I feel better and better. GA works for me – have you tried it. If not, give it a god. If you want it to work, it will. I have driven 80 miles this week just to go to 2 GA meetings – 1 in Derby 25 miles away and one in Stoke 15 miles away. Both were great meetings, both had many reasons to remind me why I can never gamble normally. Even if I win, I will lose. I cannot win. None of us can.

I know you want recovery, but first you must grasp abstinence by the horns and wrestle it tto he ground. Then put it in a headlock and keep it there until it weakens.

you can do it fella – keep posting, stay away from ALL gambling related shit.

All my thoughts to you and yours

[I_Maverick]

Cheers Micky. I should have written 69. 3 weeks today is my 90 days and then I can start my 12 steps. I have never been so serious about anything as I am about this recovery, which will be for the rest of my life. I have kind of idealised recovery, but it is working. I feel so much better, my memory is coming back every day, I am fitter, I quit smoking (starting Vaping but that’s diffferent).

I am off to my brothers shortly as he needs to change the Netnany settings (still blocking gambling but it;s blocking a few non gambling websites) and then I wil post a nice update.

I am catching up on lots of threads – had some time off but weirdly I feel I have a responsibility to read ALL the posts that have accrued while I have been gone. How mad is that?

[I_Maverick]

Adam me old mucker, just been catching up on the threads. Since getting out of GMA and being back home in the family home I have been spending time on my own in a very safe environment. I have been going to GA, up to 4 times a week. I have an appointment with the national problem gambling clinic on 22nd June. I have been driving to London once a week to spend a day or 2 with my little boy. I am slowly looking at my debts and figuring out what to do.

Sometimes your posts worry me a little. I have a phrase I keep repeating to myself:

Abstinence is not recovery, but you can’t have recovery without abstinence. I am no expert, god knows. I am only on day 69. But I am working bit by bit on my defects – the lying, the wanting everything now, the sneaking about, the low self esteem. It seems to me sometimes (and I am not criticising you one bit) that deep down you still want to gamble. That you’ll talk yourself into it. You look at the machine, and you have this inner battle. Instead of seeing it and saying “there you are old friend, —- you. Not interested”.

Have you thought about reading some of the GA literature such as the 12 steps. I am about to start them with my sponsor but I have to wait until I have 90 days clean. I don;t want to just not gamble – I want to improve who I am, how I am, how I act, how I treat others, how I see and value the world.

You’ve been here as long as I have, and you’ve not lapsed once which is SO AMAZING. Keep it up, but think about the next step. That’s where I am. But I am not preaching.

By the way, sorry about battering Liverpool on the last day of the season. At least we were nice and let Stevie G get a consolation goal.

Take care, keep posting, and ignore everything I say if you want to. You are doing brilliant and should be so proud. It;s a shame your mum and dad can;t share in your massive achievement.

[I_Maverick]

Hi Gov,

Sorry to hear about your stress and your recent lapse. i know what it’s like when you’ve got load of cr*p going on, stress and the knowledge that you;re still gambling. All the lies did for me last year, until they exploded this year. I an honestly say that after 69 days of not gambling my life is so different. It is still a mess, but I am now capable of dealing with the mess, one little bit at a time. I am living at my parents and they come back off holiday tomorrow. But I think it will be fine. have been exploring my own home town, just driving once familiar roads.

My heart goes out to you, you wrote really nice things to me when I was in a lot of pain before I went to GMA, and I will pray to a god of my understanding. GA is working so well for me. I have driven 80 miles in the last 2 days to attend 2 meetings. One in Derby and one in Stoke. Well worth it, once I get there an meet the others I am reminded what happened to me. Stops complacency. I know if I think I am cured and I can have 1 bet I am done for. Literally.

Take care, and all my love to you and yours

x

[I_Maverick]

Hi SJ,

Great to hear about the Gamble Free time. I hope to see you in a group soon. I’ve been staying away from the blogs while I recover, focusing on other stuff. Sounds like you’ve been busy. Going to GA really works for me. I’ve driven 80 miles this week to go to 2 GA meetings.

See you soon.

All my love

M

[I_Maverick]

Hi Micky

Just caught up with your thread. I’ve not posted much lately since getting out of GMA (long story which you can read on my thread) but to say your posts moved me would be understating it. I only wanted to add that I have an appointment with the NPGC (CNWL) on June 22nd. i did the CBT course in Dec 2012 but i wanted to be a ‘part time’ gambler and have a gambling contract. I didn;t believe I had a problem, and I did not know how bad it would get. This time I am going to do the psycho-dynamic treatment they had. GMA wasn’t right for me, but I believe this will be as it will dal with my underlying predeliction for addiction. I hope.

I am 69 days clean today, and go to GA between 2 and 4 times a week. Works for me. It;s like anything – it’ll work if you want it to.

Be strong mate, you have written some astounding posts over the time I have been here and I love reading what you have to say. I look forward to the day when the posts are positive and it will happen. Trust in CNWL I know them there as I go to the post-support groups once a week. It’s like Harry said, you get out of it what you put in.

Take care mate, all my love to you and yours.

[I_Maverick]

Hi Jenny

Just caught up with your posts. Utterly devastated that you succumbed to the lies that this illness tells us, this troll under the bridge. You have so much going for you and you know it’ll never happen while in the grip of the evil disease.

I thought it was a lovely poem, and you should publish it in the poetry section. I loved the last 4 lines:

It will seek to pass you by in the blink of an eye,
It will come and go without a chance for your goodbye.
But whilst everyone on here has such a mountain to climb,
We can all be grateful that we still have precious time.

That was happening to me whilst I gambled. It’s not worth it – it wastes our mind, our energy, our will to live The rollercoaster is not worth it. I am glad to hear how excited you are to move in with your fella – exciting times. And yet scary too. I’m scared now I am separated and am missing my little boy to death. The time cannot come quick enough for me to make my trip back to London. I have him all day Sunday.

be good to yourself. Recovery is worth it, I am feeling it.

I look forward to you new posts.

[I_Maverick]

Welcome back Elder. I had not read your posts before as you joined before I did and when I joined and went through hell you were going through your own hell.

Well done on coming back and being so honest. Reading your posts frighten the life out of me because there but for the grace of God go I. I am on day 62 and I feel recovery starting to work. I went to GA last night (a new GA in my home town not London where I used to live as I no longer live in London due to my relationship falling apart because of my gambling and mental health issues and now back with my parents).

I found this site to be invaluable just to vent, who cares who reads it. The power of writing it gets it out of my head. I look forward to hearing more of your story and as you stop the madness that is gambling forever.

Take care

Mav

[I_Maverick]

So a quick upfdate.

Apologies to everyone for whom I have not yet posted and read. Since getting my computer back I have been trying to focus on catching up my life and also use the computer less. Prior to going to GMA I was always on, so now I try and limit my use online. A new personal goal, and so far working. Yesterday I times myself for about 25 mins online all day.

Thanks to everyone who posts here on my forum. I will get round to spending a few hours to properly read all the new posts and all the new blogs. I am so inspired at the moment, but I will go into that later as my head slowly gets everything in the right order.

I just wanted to let you know how good my last 2 days have been. I left my mum and dad early at 6:30 and got to London at 10am. As I got out the lift in my old block there was Valentin waiting, saying Papa and he ran to me so I could gather him in my arms. My heart broke it has to be said. After spending a bit of time in the house, feeding him and playing, we left and went to the science museum. We had a awesome day. with him running, playing with exhibits. Eventually I knew he was tired as he wanted to be carried rather than run (he only started walking 8 weeks ago) and then started to nod off in my arms. 5 mins after getting him the push chair he was out like a light.

A quick thanks to all the strangers who helped me carry the push chair up and down stairs on the London Underground.

I got home, spent several more hours with him, fed him and then went to my usual GA where I was welcomed back. I told my story and listened to others. Then I stayed with a good mate from Uni. He bought me breakfast and then I went back to my house to drop the suitcase in my car and went up to see Val one last time until next week. I had a meeting in town with a photographer who is a smart businessman and wants to add Video to his services – and wants me to manage that. he is great at marketing and has amazing clients who want him to do their videos but he knows nothing about video – and he has put his clients to me before always with great results. We are meeting again next week. He also tole me the most amazing story which I will pass on later as my battery on the laptop is running low and if it runs out I have to get someone to put the password in – I do not have it. Long story.

So now I am only my way to Brighton – I am up. Not crazy up, not druggy up. But just up about possibilities. The mess I made is still here but now, with 56 days gambler free AND the positive steps I am taking working out, I feel able, stronger, day by day, to make the right decisions. I will still —- up, but I can cope with that. Things can, as they say, only get better.

I just posted a long post on Charlsters post as he is going soon. I love him so much, he has posted so much encouragement for me when I was so low (as did many people) and I feel so great that me leaving freed up a space for him. Charlster, dude, go forth. Recover, you are worth it. I will miss you, but you will be gone for the full amount. I know it.

One final thing. When I applied for GMA I also applied to the National Problem Gambling Clinic. They had a waiting list of about 20 weeks. When I went to GMA I never cancelled the NPGC. I have done CBT with them from Dev 2012 to Feb 2013. But I didn’t take it seriously as I did not know ho progressive this illness is and how much worse it would get. Anyway, in October I went to an open day and they said they were starting a new treatment which was psychodynamic psychotherapy – looking into the patients past to look at the core issues which lead to compulsive behaviour. This is for me, I thought, but they said you need at least 80-90 days gamble free time as you need to be able to think and prior to that the brain is still scrambled from compuslive gambling with all the dopanine etc running riot. I called them today and left a message. They called back and said I could have an assessment on 22 June and that I would qualify for the psychodynamic treatment. By 22 June I will be 78-79 days gamble free and the treatment would start within 2 weeks after that – I hit the 90 days. This is the treatment I need. My gambling stems from deep issues of my self image, how I see myself, how I ultimately do not like myself for many many reasons. This can help me unpack this. This is the treatment I would like to try and now it is available.

All good things to those who wait.

Tomorrow is day 58, Sundday is 59 and MOnday 50 – another keyring from GA.

I have everything I need in place to not gamble, and also I have work stuff to build and new opprtunities. Everything I read in the GA handbooks is true, and I just need to trust now. I need to work hard, and expect setbacks along the way, but things can’t get worse as long as I do not gamble. And when not gambling I can work on recovery.

Love to all, this site has helped me so much, as has everyone else here. I hope to post again maybe SUnday evening.

But from me, I want to wish Charlster a very successful treatment in Dudley, the ugliest city in the world, but in the GMA programme full of the loveliest and most special.

Over and out

Mav

[I_Maverick]

Charlster,

This may be my last opportunity to post on your blog before you go. I wanted to wish you the best and I KNOW that that place will be perfect for you. I can tell you it will be HARD. The other guys explained to me what happens after the assessment period. The different parts of the treatment are hard work, but I know how hard you will work, how seriously you will take it. You are very mature in many ways and yet, like all of us compulsive gamblers, you are very immature in many ways. The guys there will take care of you.

You wrote something on my blog a few days ago after I wrote my new posts after returning home. You said you were sorry you were ‘taking my place”. I have to be honest I was hoping we were going to be there at the same time. And I think me leaving did clear up a place more quickly. This is good and the way it is meant to be. The last 2/3 days for me have been tremendous and I am now filled with a hope I have not had for a long time. I had an AWESOME day with my son yesterday, went back to my usual GA and did 2 meetings and was welcomed with open arms, I saw a mate in the evening and stayed at his overnight, and then today I had a really surprisingly positive day when things just fell into place. Once of those magical days. I am now writing this from Starbucks just for the M23 heading to Brighton to see my closest friend in the world and his family. Normally I would come to a Starbucks like this to use the free wifi to gamble. No more. I am still gamble free. I will write more on my blog.

I wanted to say how pleased I am that me leaving meant you could get there quicker, as I know there the next people to leave would have been in 4 or 5 weeks. So you are taking my place.

IN deeper reflected that place was not for me, the treatment was wrong. My gambling is different from the people they treat. My gambling is not a lifelong problem, but rather the latest in a long line of compulsive and addictive behaviours I have engaged in and they are not set up to deal with that.

When I referred myself to GMA I also referred to the National Problem Gambling Clinic in Feb of this year. Although I did the CBT there 3 years ago I was not ready to quit then, and did not accept how bad or what my problem was. I am clear on that. But last October I went to an open day led by one of the lead clinicians, Neal, and he mentioned a new serivce there starting, Psychodynanic Psychotherapy. Dealing with people and looking into their past, childhood, self image etc etc and how that leads to gambling and other addictive behaviours. At the time I thought I want that but they said you need at least 80-90 days gamble free time as you need a clear head. Although no one knew I was gambling as I was lying about it, I had gambled just before going there. When I went to GMA I did not cancel the referral to the clinic. I got a call from them today – I have my assessment on 22 June, by which point I will be 78 or 79 day s gamble free. They are happy to discuss this new treatment with me. I qualify for the new Psychodynamic treatment, where I can explore my deeper mental health issues that led to my terrible gambling addiction. This is the treatment I ALWAYS wanted to I will fight for that, as I know that will help me more than anything. I am enough of a gambler for them, as I have had so many other mental health issues. And it means I can continue with GA which is working so well for me.

Please make a note of my website address so you can get my email from there. http://www.neathfilms.com Please drop me a line when you get out.

Charlster, fear is natural. BUt know this – that place was meant for you. I got my chance there, I needed the 11 days out – without that I would not be where I am, and things are going so well for me – so positive. But I cannot be complacent – I need to work and focus.

You will find respite there – the staff are great, the other guys in treatment are great. You will play darts and pool, you will cook, clean and chill. You will find like minded people. Please say hi to them from me, and thank them from me for all they did for me. Tell them I will never forget them and that in a few weeks I will send a DVD of my favourite films I have produced.

You go and get better Charlster. Go for it, take it seriously, do the hard work, but relax and know that you are in the right place. I wish I could give you a big man hug, so take an ehug. I want to hear from you in no less than 14 weeks, as you continue your life long journey into recovery.

Take care, we all love you and we all be thinking of you and you start this amazing new phase to your life.

ALl the best big man

Mav

[I_Maverick]

It’s so ironic, I was so looking forward to meeting you. you’ll do well there. Obviously people in their 20s can’t have been gambling for decades, but if you started at 16 and go in at 25-28 that around 10 years – much more than me. My gambling was to do with tendency to escape through addictions – gambling is not my primary issue. They thought that and I know that. Gambling is a diversion for me working out what is going on in my head. I think I have underlying mental health issues which go back to my childhood – that’s what they thought and it’s what I believe now. But I cannot change that, I can only learn and grow from where I am.

The guys there are lovely. Please say hi to them from me, and tell them that I still plan on sending them some DVDs of the films I made. I wonder which house you’ll be in. There are some cracking people there and you’ll get a lot from it.

See you soon and good luck

Mav

[I_Maverick]

Charlster that is awesome. I know that GMA is perfect for you and that you will fit right in. Do you know which site you’re going to? Dudley or beckenham?

I went to GA last night and the guy leading the group has been to the Beckenham site. We chatted about my experience and although he had not heard of many people not making it through the assessment he did explain that most of the people who go there had lost everything over decades of gambling, and that I shouldn’t feel bad that I wasn’t a good fit. We agreed that my higher power decided I needed to be out of there to do other things. What those things are I don’t know, but i am open minded to see what happens on a day by day basis.

You will do very little apart from settle for the first 2 weeks – the hard work starts after that and I understand it is hard but it works.

I’m rooting for you fella. You have been a huge source of support for me on these blogs over the last 3 to 4 months, and I hope to one day catch up and buy you a coffee when you are out and clean.

onwards and upwards.

M

[I_Maverick]

Hi everyone,

Thanks for the messages of support. That’s why I love this place. It is so awesome to hear from Vera, Happy, Charlster, Liberty, Velvet and to read the new stories. This place is working for me.

I just got back from the only meeting of GA in Stoke, 15 miles from my parents house. The journey there was a real trip down memory lane, and I even drove past my dad’s old Cinema, and saw places I used to hang out. I even got lost driving home thorugh the back country roads.

I met nice guys at the meeting, only 6. It was in a church hall that was also a children’s nursery. So very apt I thought a great metaphor as gambling addiction turns us all into children.

I enjoyed the meeting, reading the book, sharing and listening to therapies. I really like GA. That’s my first GA for 3 weeks exactly, but I am in such a different place than I was. GMA, even though I didn’t complete the course, has meant so much. The build up, the packing, the moving of my stuff out of the family home. I am now homeless, which is liberating. Being at the family home on my own is lovely as it is a big house, a freezer full of food, I did a shop for fresh food. Big garden, fields all around, countryside. This is obviously meant to be.

Got a lot of organising to do tomorrow, making plans day by day, a bit at a time.

Just for today I will not try to fix my whole life problem at once.

At the GA meeting we read the book almost cover to cover, whereas at my meetings in London we jump around. There was one new guy who looked shattered, just lost loads, been gambling for 15 years. I reccomended GMA to him. The guy who took the meeting went to GMA 10 years ago in Beckenham – he was clean for 8 years or so when a family trauma set him off again. He is just off a relapse 10 days ago where he almost lot a lot but ended up evens – but was mentally shattered afterwards. I know that story.

I am going to try and catch up on all the old guard’s stories and also get to know the new members, and contribute where I can.

I want to say how good it feels to be posting again. GA and GT are what I need obviously. I am of course sad not to be at GMA, but that’s been decided for me and I must accept it and I do.

End of day 54 – can’t wait for 6 days time I get a new keyring at my GA in London for 60 days. 30 more days for 3 months – I am loving this recovery. I have said it before and I will say it again – abstinence is not recovery. I intend to be in recovery for the rest of my life, and slowly over time the gambling will become a memory – but i will always remember that I can never be cured. I am and always will be a compulsive gambler – when I start I don’t stop until everything is broken. That is the cycle that needs to change.

Love to you all, sleep well peeps.

M

[I_Maverick]

Thanks for the messages. I take what happened as a good sign. I got 11 days away. I met some lovely people, I got to chill out and relax and wind down. That was probably the most important thing. I must stress that I wasn’t told I am not a compulsive gambler. I am. The way I gambled over the last 3 years was nothing if not compulsive. But the gambling is a symptom of a deeper malaise. It was just another addiction I used to medicate, hide, avoid reality. I do not believe for a moment that I can gamble again. Ever. I can’t.

Velvet, thank you for your post. I am and always will be a compulsive gambler. It is just that it was felt by the people who run the programme that I am not the kind of gambler suited for the programme. I totally accept that. I haven’t been gambling long, it is not part of my life. Sure, I did tremendous damage with it, but the need and urge to gamble was less that the kind of gambler who gets treatment.

Charlster, you have been gambling for 30 odd years. Obviously I don’t know you, but I feel that you are the kind of person that can treat and treat well.

I had a good day today, made an appointment to get my hair cut, washed some clothes. It is weird to be back in the family home on my own as my parents are away in Germany. I grew up here, it has always been my home, and I feel very relaxed here. But I am sleeping in the spare room as I obviously do not have a room. I do not feel like a child. This is perfect – everything happens for a reason, we just might not know it at the time. I HAD to become a compsulive gambler. I had to do what I did as I am learning new and important lessons about myself, which I HAVE to learn. It is vital. If I don’t, my life will stay the same.

I am happy to be on the journey I am on. It has been very frightening at times, and I am sure it will be hard along the way. But now, I am excited. I see new opporttunities, new possibilities. And that is a world away from the posts I made in Feb/ march or how I was feeling towards the end of last year. I am gaining some perspective.

Charlster, when do you go. Be open minded. It works, I have seen it working with people who has been there 8, 9 weeks etc. These are professionals. They will give you valuable tools and help you move on. You take care.

Peace and love.

[Author]

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