[I_Maverick]

So, a new commitment. I am not going to think of the past, only the present and try and plan for the future. That mean I deal with urges to gamble, they are my depression talking.

I am going to focus what has to be done, to prioritise, to try and be responsible. I have used the depression as an excuse for too long. I can get better if I make the effort and do the right things.

gambling is in the past, so I won’t think about that. I will place a blocker on my mind.

Mistakes re career are in the past

mistakes re drugs are in the past

that is done.

Tim to move on.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

I cannot change the past, so therefore I accept it arts and all.
I can change my present existence through thought, planning, hard work and determination with a little bit of luck
I hope I know the difference.

Much love

[I_Maverick]

Wonderful post kpat, thanks. I wonder if you kept the business.

I feel worse now I have stopped gambling. I am turning into a pathetic wreck. Instead of being fired up by the changes I need to turn my life around, I am weighed down by my mistakes, my failures. The dreams I had feel like dust. All I can see is the devastation I have wreaked. How all my thoughts were of playing a stupid game, losing more time and money. And now, instead of helpful around the house I wallow in self pity. My wife is no seeing a song about it 😉

I don’t know where to turn. This is not me. All I know is that the meds might or might not be working. I prevaricate, procrastinate, am lazy, feeling low. I just want all these feelings to go away. I know if I play poker they go away for a while if I win, but come back if I lose. And then I feel worse, so I know I have to stay away from gambling as that is more self destruction.

I have so much to do if I am to close the office in an orderly way, but I feel overwhelmed with sadness for the hurt I have caused, the time lost. I need to move on but I don’t know how.

I love you all and am very scared.

[I_Maverick]

Good man, let’s keep chatting when we have the time.

[I_Maverick]

Great post Jansdad. I’m proud of you. I am making the same promise to myself as well.

This is not the end, it is the beginning. The beginning of a gamble free life.

Today I had horrible urges I felt so sorry for myself again. I was convinced that if I played, it would make everything better again. I found an old old account that had no money in it. And rather than playing I self excluded forever. I have self excluded from all the accounts I ever had. The only way to play again is to din new one, and to do that I have to make the effort. Goddam it, I am in charge of my head,.

Jansdad I love the time we chat, we have so much in common and so much to live for. Let’s live instead of being in the grip of something which is so negative.

Tonight I will do the fors and against of gambling again, and I know the against will outwiegh the fors. Time to start using my brain.

Lobe you fella, and love you all

Mav

[I_Maverick]

OK, so what are urges. This post is for me as suddenly I am getting mad urges to play. I am feeling quite stressed with how much work there is to do, and so I want to escape. Gambling did that, but made my stress worse.

There are people in the office but that never stopped me before.

My brain says that if I play just a little I will feel better. I know this not to be true. To be play well, you need time to wait for good hands. If you rush, you don;t win. And if I win I want to keep playing, and if I lose i HAVE to keep playing.

I am writing this only to remind myself the benefits of staying clean. My life is worth more than a game. Addiction is so hard for me to accept, I have never been able to accept who I am. I want to move on, but part of me wants to stay the same as it feels secure.

I feel all of your love and take strength form everyone here in recovery.

Thanks for letting me vent

[I_Maverick]

I feel the same way but with poker. When my family first realised I had a problem I was in total denial. I went to GA because of them. I couldn’t see how playing all the time was a problem. I had just inherited 5K and my wife said I would lose all that becuase she knew I was an addict. I denied this and within 6 months it was gone, as were all my savings. I was obsessed with playing, but even when I won I never cash ed out, kept records of how much I was depositing or how much time I was playing. I just played all the time, on compuyters, iphones etc etc. i read book, watched videos. I totalluy negltected by company, my life, my wife.

Because I was in denial the problem got worse. I get so depressed when I think what my life would be like now if I had quit then. Just cut my lossses – but this illness doesn’t work like that for us. We just can’t stop, it gets in our mind, and if we allow the urges to work we will gamble. If we start to believe what we need.

I know if I relapse again, however small, even if I win, then I will be thinking when can I play again. I will be at work finding excuses to be on my own, and when talking with others just wanting to play. If I was normal I could play for a few hours, and then – up or down – leave it for days or weeks. But as I am addicted it doen’t matter if I am up or down, I just want to keep doing it. And it has no benefit.

So I accept am addicted. I accept it will do me no good. I will feel awful if I play because it means the lieing starts again, the deviving. I know that even if I played just once a week, it would soon start to go crazy again. It gets in my head so I cannot focus on other things. That is the disease. It obsessed us, and so we do not make smart decisions. There is something in our psyche that means we cannot do it every so often.

This is what I am learned. This is true for me.

Be strong – realise that life IS worth living living without gambling. Because life with gambling IS NOT worth living. You’ll nevcer achieve anuything, never have anything, never be happy. But I know if I stay stopped, of course I will have urges, but I can let them pass. And in time I will eventually forget – but that takes years. It is a mental illness, and it adds to depression, anxiety, feelings of worthlessness. i am only talking about me and cannot talk abut anyone else.

I am posting here a lot, just to get my feelings out. My thoughts are with you because I know how hard it is. I know some days will be easier than others. This is addiction, it is a compulsion to do something even though it causes harm

Good luck, and feel free to write me.

Keep utting your thoughts on here. I know that helps me.

Good luck and speak soon

mav

[I_Maverick]

This is a partial repost of something I just posted on jansdads post, as I feel it should be on mine. Sorry for those of you who read it twice – but I am being selfish and posting for me, to get these thoughts and explore these thoughts to avoid another relapse.

I used to spend so much time gambling and thinking about gambling that now it is here my head has space to wander. I found I spent time regretting, living in the past, lamenting. This is unhealthy. I am totally afraid for my future, but I think I want to embrace that. My future is totally open and does not have to be the same as my past – but that means I need to live in the present and be here now.

Career wise I am in a precarious position. I don’t really know my skills in the wider world having run my own business for so long and that enabled me to gamble. I feel it is time to work for someone else, to be put in a position where I am accountable. I think the freedom of running a business meant I could slack off, get my staff to pick up the pieces.

My plan for this year was so different to what is going on. We were meant to finish this project and then take a break to consider. Instead, everyrthing is going to shit – because I gave in to the urge and I gambled. And once I started I couldn’t stop.

Thus it will ever be. Even now, I have having urges – pictuing myself slinking off to a cafe for lunch, firing up the site and having a few hands. But a few hands turns into hours. If I am up I cannot leave and if I am down I cannot leave. How can I ever play normally if everytime I play it gets out of hand.

Like many of you I am sure, althought I don’t know, a voice in my head says it will be different this time. I know for a fact it won’t, because if I play once, then between playing all I do is think about how to play again. And that means I don’t focus on my job, because I am having gambling thoughts. And I think that’s why i relapsed last time – I didn’t deal with those gambling thought/ urges. I felt it has been such a time between that this time would be different. It was for the first week, I only played when I had time – but then the urge to play was stronger and stronger.

It’s like smoking – you satisfy an urge, it goes away, but then the urges come again. I know if I accept the urge, they pass and my mind can focus. It’s a mental trick. A mental trick played by my mind which I can play back.

Love you all, gotta focus now on finishing this delivery.

Mav

[I_Maverick]

I think you say something very interesting here. Habits. Gambling is a habit for us, so when we don’t gamble we feel empty. What we sued to spend so much time doing and thinking about is no longer there. I found I spent time regretting, living in the past, lamenting. This is unhealthy. I am totallu afraid for my future, but I think I want to embrace that.

Career wise I am in a precarious position. I don’t really know my skills in the wider world having run my own business for so long and that enabled me to gamble. I feel it is time to work for someone else, to be put in a position where I am accountable. I think the freedom of running a business meant I could slack off, get my staff to pick up the pieces.

My plan for this year was so different to what is going on. We were meant to finish this project and then take a break to consider. Instead, everyrthing is going to shit – because I gave in to the urge and I gambled. And once I started I couldn’t stop.

Thus it will ever be. Even now, I have having urges – pictuing myself slinking off to a cafe for lunch, firing up the site and having a few hands. But a few hands turns into hours. If I am up I cannot leave and if I am down I cannot leave. How can I ever play normally if everytime I play it gets out of hand.

Like many of you I am sure, althought I don’t know, a voice in my head says it will be different this time. I know for a fact it won’t, because if I play once, then between playing all I do is think about how to play again. And that means I don’t focus on my job, because I am having gambling thoughts. And I think that’s why i relapsed last time – I didn’t deal with those gambling thought/ urges. I felt it has been such a time between that this time would be different. It was for the first week, I only played when I had time – but then the urge to play was stronger and stronger.

It’s like smoking – you satisfy an urge, it goes away, but then the urges come again. I know if I accept the urge, they pass and my mind can focus. It’s a mental trick. A mental trick played by my mind which I can play back.

Love you all, gotta focus now on finishing this delivery.

Mav

[I_Maverick]

One day at a time is all you can do. I had urges last night in the office on my own – that’s when I would gamble. If I had to work late and the office was empty. I would also gamble when there were people, and I would hide away.

I understand what one day a time means. It doesn’t mean just live for today with no sense of responsibility. It doesn’t mean don’t think about the future and don’t make plans. It means focus on what has to be done today, and the future will take care of itself. Nothhing will ever go totally to plan, there will be ups and downs, not everything will turn your way. But that is life, and I have to focus on being more mature.

I don’t have much time to post this morning as there is baby stuff to take care of, and sorting stuff, but I felt I had to post while I could.

I have been thinking of triggers. For me they are when I feel confident and convince myself I can play normally. The thoughts are: you;ve been off a while, you’ve read what other gamblers go through. If you want to play you have to play with rules, and controls. Only play twice a week, only at these time, only with so much money etc etc. And while, like many, I can do that for a short while, the urge to play ALL the time, with more MORE money will always overtake me. I have to remember that once I became a CG I will always be a CG. That’s now a personality trait of mine – compulsion and addiction. I have to accept that. I think that is the hardest thing, that I can never enjoy what is for many a harmless recreation.

Because it can never be recreation. If I lose, I HAVE to win my money back. If I win, I HAVE to win more – until it’s all gone and more. This was my story and the story of many I have read here.

I post here to remind myself, because by writing it down makes it more real. Not just in my head. Here I can share my feelings.

The drugs seem to be working but I am still scared for the future because I do not know what it holds. My business is empty, I feel unemployable in the real world. I have to get rid of the office and the company money runs out in 6-8 weeks without further work. I am scared.

But as it says in the GA booklet. Just for today I will not be afraid. I might be afraid, but I will not show it.

Dog is whining, we are ready to go. I hope to post at lunch, and read what others have posted.

Thanks so much and lots of love

Mav

[I_Maverick]

So I thought I would just share some thoughts while I wait to see if my main working computer is working or bust. My wife and I have been in the office all day with the baby to deliver this big project. I am now here with 2 staff. This is a time I would normally think “ahh, I can play poker and no one will know”. This is one of my triggers. I feel great that I am not doing that, that I am focusing on the task at hand as it means we get paid more money than I could ever make at poker, and it means I am thinking straight again. I do wish I could have had this mindset 3 years ago to the day, as then I would be in a different place. I had this opportunity to quit 3 years ago in 2012 – right at the start of my online addiction. That is when my problems started. I think back then and think “what a prick I was” and I try and think “and now I know what happens”.

This is such an individual journey, but having access to this blog, even though no one might read it, is amazing. This is my blog, my thoughts etc. Shared only with those who understand.

I think the drugs, today, are working. My mood is totally different and I am curious as to how I will feel tomorrow. I feel like the real me is visible. That’s a me who doesn’t give a crap about playing poker, it’s just a fucking game FFS. Nothiong to get bothered about. And I hope from here I make the irght decisions going forwards. I see a light at the tunnel, which one day at a time, is betting slightly larger and brighter.

Thanks all, back to see what is going on with the Mac.

[I_Maverick]

Quit while you’re ahead mate. You;ve just proved – again – something that all of us CGs know. We might win, but we’ll give it back with interest – and not just money wise. Sanity, family etc etc. Don’t stop when you;ve lost everything. That’s my new mantra. Also, if I win someone loses. Fine if that this a company, but poker means taking money from others. Something that I no longer want to do.

You;’re a big man, your call. Still on your side though 😉

[I_Maverick]

Mate, I am sorry but I know you will stop now. Your posts are terrifying, as I have done the same. It will only go backwards and forwards – up down left right down down down.

You are a good man with a family. Get back to GA, and focus your mind on this expereince. You won – you were up totally. And even though you knew through xperience that if you played again you would lose, because we all do (if we only won all the time it wouldn’t be called gambling it would be called free money).

What I think about now, which I never have done before, is that for me to win big at poker, many people have to lose. And what are their sitiations. Sure, they have chosen to play, but if they are CGs as well, that means I am enabling them. And I do not want that on my soul anymore. That actually helps me remember why not to play – do I want to take money that might be needed for their children? I don;t want to lose money needed for my child.

You are a star, you did 63 days – so you can do that again with interest.

Keep posting mate.

[I_Maverick]

So quit now while you’re ahead – because you know as well as anyone that due to variance/ bad beats/ steaming etc, that if you play again you’ll lose it at the cycle will continue.

If you quit now, and leave it at that, you are a true winner. I am terrified of trying to win anything, I can’t handle another meltdown.

Good luck

M

[I_Maverick]

Hi Kay37,
I know how you feel. I have just quit again, for the last time. Since I did I have had nothing but pain and regert for the hurt and time wasted, not counting the money. MOney can always be earned again with focus and hard work – time can never won back. That’s what I know now so I am trying to focus on the time I had left, and what I can do with it.

Have you seen a doctor about depression? I know that the gambling made me depressed clincially, but I only just got help for it. I am on pills, and they are starting to work. I am still getting the odd urge, but I am better placed to deal with it.

There is a support group in 5 minutes here – please join us if you get this message in time. There are people on there who have been clean for years who will know what you are feeling better than I, and they might be able to help.

I wish you all the best and all my love

Mav

[I_Maverick]

Great post Geordie, and applies to me too. Jansdad, you are strong and you can do it and stay off forever.

All my love

Mav

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