[I_Maverick]

Hi Charslter,

It sounds like you are doing ok. Im really please for you> I just had a meltdown last night that came out of the blue. Even now I am a little numb. For some reason I logged onto a casino site and started playing BlackJack. At one point I was massively up and I said to myself “Prove your not a CG and cashout now and go to bed and no one needs to know”. That didb’t happen. I cannot for the life of me understand why I didn’t cash out and chill, and spend my money on something nice. God knows I could have done iwth it. Instead I lost it all and then started depositing on my company card again. The full story is on my post. I just don’t know what happened. I at once poit I had despoited 4300 and I was down to the last 800 or so. And then it turned around and I cashed out exactly what I put in – and then I was caught.

Stay away from the gamble mate, don’t do it to yourself. My wife now wants me to leave the house – even though I;ve not hurt anyone. I have to be honest, I cannot see the problem – no money was lost. But that’s not the point is it. I need help seeing the hurt I have caused.

I need to get on the GMA course so badly – I hope we are there together. I dread to think what would have happened if I couldn’t win back my losses. I went into full on loss chasing mode, totally insane. I think I went mad last night, totally mad.

Charlester, you can do it fella. I have so little urge to gamble right now, I am all gambled out.

See you soon

Mav

[I_Maverick]

SO I just relapsed last night and I almost lost 4300 of my companies money. What just happened to me has never happened before. I played blackjack in an online casino, which I NEVER do. I have been up all night and my wife found out this morning that I almost lost 4300 of my companies money. At one point I was 3800 down and somehow managed to win it back.

I am feeling very strange at the moment. At one point several hours ago I was 900 up of mu own money (in total I lost 10 of my own money) but instead of stopping and going to bed I just kept playing. I was unable to stop. It seems that the gambler urge in me is a separate beast. I honestly don’t know how I ended up playing blackjack all night.

I am shocked at what I have just done. I was streaming an programme through an illegal streaming site and lots of casino sites pop up. For some reason, which I have never done before, I signed up for one. I started playing blackjack. Very quickly I was 400 up, and I thought – stop now. So I cashed out and chilled out. I couldn’t sleep – I wanted to play more. I was convinced I could win more. Even though I know that is ridiculous. I have read everything here and I know I am a CG. So I reversed the withdrawel, and carried on playing. Soon I was up 900. I withdrew that and tried to sleep. Almost in a trance, that’s the only way I can describe it, I reversed that and within 20 mins playing at 100 a go I lost it. Then I was angry. And that started the chasing. I took the company card from my wife’s bag and deposited 300. I lost that. Then I deposited 500 – starting to get desperate – but knowing that if I was calm I could win it back. I lost that. Then I despoited 1000. That went n 5 minutes. I took a deep breath and thought of the ramifications. I knew I only had one choice – I has to win that —-ing money back. I deposited 2000 and started playing with a focus that scared me. At once point I laid down 1000 (—-ing insane I have never in my life gambled like that) and hit a Blackjack. Then but by bit the cards went in my favour and I was evens.

That was when my wife came in and found me. She knew, and I knew I had been caught. While she was feeding our son I snuck another go and won back my original stake. So after 7 hours of insane trancelike gambling I was even.

But why the —- did I do it? I don’t play casino games. WHy now?

I think a part of me wanted to feel like what it was like – I only paid poker before.

Now, my wife told my brother and he is —-ing pissed off at me. I feel very strange – not sad or angry, but I feel as if I heave learned something vital about myself. I had the chance to walk away with winnings and no one would have known. But I got greedy and couldn’t stop. I was —-ing hynoptised.

I thank whatever higher power is out there and I will give myself in to that. I know I cannot gamble, but a part of me wanted to do something like this. To see what it was like.

I was shitting my pants as I was chasing my losses. I have now closed that account and withdrawn all the money. I still feel like that because I got from 800 up to 4300 that I could win – but that just nuts.

I need help with this, it’s getting worse. There is something in me craving self destruction, craving the brain rush when you win 2500 in 1 second. I have never experienced that before. Playing Blackjack laying down 1000 on a single hand was crazy.

But, and I am not sorry for this, I am sort of glad it happened. SO I could feel that. It was a different rush to poker. POker has nothing on that. I could never play poker with that much money, I would have to be on monster 5/10 tables. I have never done that.

There is clearly something in my psyche that is out to get me, and by god I am going to tackle that beast.

I am going to get something like netnanny on my computer, give all my money and cards to my wife, if she wants, and I am going to stay away from the gamble.

If anyone has any advice as to what just happened to me, please let me know. I honestly feel like I have just had the weirdest trip in the world. I can only say thank christ I am not 4300 down as then I would probably want to kill myself. The fact that the money is not lost is amazing and I am grateful.

Part of me feels relieved that i did it, relieved I didn’t lsoe anything. The —-er is that I cannot go to my course I was meant to go to today because my wife wants to go through all the accounts, and that is fair enough. There were good people to meet, but I can meet them later. I need to attend to more important business, such as my helath and the well being of my family.

I will post later

Much love and thanks for reading

Mav

PS, I wrote this stream of conscious so ignore the typos

[I_Maverick]

So a quick update (more for me than anything). I’ve just got back from my GamCare session, where we talked a lot about my approach to life. I also carry the GA orange booklet with me which I read whenever I get the chance. I am coming to the conclusion that in addition to stopping gambling, I must change my life. It is not enough for me to stop gambling, one day at a time. Because I have always relapsed. I have to accept that I cannot gamble normally. The same things always happen – I spend more time/ money etc playing than I planned. And if I win and play well, I want to win more. And if I lose, I want to win it back, thus losing more. I can rarely walk away with winning and leave it. I am always thinking of when I can play again. ei

Tomorrow I am going to a meeting, if I leave half an hour earlier I can have a few hands etc etc.

I am challenging my gambling thoughts more effectively. I am not stopping gambling for anyone but myself. I will never make money this way, I will always lose time and while when I win I feel happier I feel like shit when I lose. It is a merry-go-round. Time to get off.

I have so much to say, apart from that I have no self excluded at all the sites I play at. But I know deep down, there is a part of me that already misses it. It is the childish part of me, the dark side, which wants to destroy me. Well, he has done enough damage over 42 years. Time to put him in a box.

More later, back to work and being productive.

Thanks

[I_Maverick]

Haven’t written in a while, though I seem to be compuslsivelt checking the blogs. Now that I have stopped playing poker (and I think about how much time I spent playing) I think I am replacing that with the blogs. My wife thinks this is another compulsion. Maybe. Maybe I am just compulsive, and that is something I need to look at all aspects of my life.

I found myself thinking of playing today, and I found that my was trying to convince me that poker is not gambling. It is a game of skill, my brain was saying, with an element of chance. But mainly its odds, mathametics etc. But what is odds but gambling?

I think one of the reasons it took me so long to realise I WAS a CG is that in my mind gambling is the dogs, horses, sports betting etc. Not poker. But the truth is the game is like crack cocaine in my mind. As soon as I start playing, no matter my intentions to play when my initial stake is gone/ double my money/ the allotted time spent, after 10 mins all those ideas go out of the window. Just one more hand just one more all in to double up, just 5 more mins. There were time I would play for 2 hours saying these things, all the while getting desperate, or as Jansdad says, steaming. Making worse and worse decisions – calling 3 times the pot with 57o hoping foe a lucky flop knowing that would never happen.

I think I know the true extent now of the business issues, and that has more to do with the depression and not working focused last year, letting things slide. The gambling papered over cracks in my psyche. My wife thnks I might have had undiagnosed depression since my teens, but because I am stoical and quite a loner I never realised. It is only now as things reach a point that things in my life are getting clearer.

I think it’s time to start putting my dream to one side while I focus on something more realistic. My recovery and development in all aspects of my life. I am scared of the unknown. And while I have been in bigger financial holes I had the strength to get by. I somehow managed to keep things going with a positive outlook. That is now lacking. I am mega aware of so many things it is almost impossible to be positive.

So, it’s almost 2 weeks since my last relapse was discovered. I have had time to anylse what happened. I thought I was onot a fantastic thing and if I wasn’t a CG I would have been. But, as they say, once I start I just cannot stop until I am trying to have a quick hand here and there KNOWING that to play poker well you need time to handle the fluctuations of the cards. That is what ismeant by a game of skill. Has what I have worth the size of the bet that someone else put in etc etc etc. I don’t even want to think about it anymore. I want to think about getting better.

Welcome to all the new members, I read your stories and learn so much. I apply your words to my life, and use them as analogies for my life. I thank and love you all for sharing.

Keep up the good work, I will keep posting but hopefully less often. I am going to control how often I come here, timetabled, so I can focus on other aspects of my life.

love to all

M

[I_Maverick]

Hi Kieren,

Like everyone on this site I am a recovering addict. You did the right thing coming, here, there is lots of knowledge here and I am sure that you will get a comments from the admin soon. I have been almost 2 weeks since my last gamblin binge and this pace is helping. What can you do to put barriers in place – limit accept to money, close you accounts down etc.
Be strong, and keep posting and people with more knowldge than me will soo write you.

[I_Maverick]

Hi Charlester, fantastic post and great new about GMA. I am also on the waiting list, and that means I have to start taking action about my liabilities, such as the office I rent etc.

I feel lucky in that my gambling has only gone on for 3 years (although I had gambled before that my prevoius compulsions were few and far between such as aged 20 for 6 months, 1 night at the age of 28 and then nothing until 3 years ago when it went mad).

But like everyone, I have lost almost everything, most importantly my sanity. Everytime I gamble again I think “I’m gonna do it differently this time” but as soon as I gamble and then stop (up or down) I only think about the next time I can gamble, and it makes me so unproductive in between I am desperate to gamble again.

Please stay on the site, there are amazing people here. They have helped me so much. There is so much hurt here and yet so much humanity. It strikes me as quite weird the bond that CGs have for each other – it’s like a secret club, albeit one you wouldn’t want membership for , but membership we have and the dues are high.

After almost 2 weeks since my last binge I am feeling better, though the last 2 weeks have been hard with my mind pummeling itself with retribtion of what could have been.

You seem very much aware of your illness and the damage done. I hope you get on the course, and that you can put it behind you. You seem very smart so once you can get this under control you can do anything.

Thanks for posting on my blog, what you wrote was amazing.

See you around in a gamble-free world.

Much love

[I_Maverick]

Charlster, that is an awesome post. I have read it and re-read it 3 times. I even sent the email I got informing me of your comment to my wife. That absolutely sums up me, but from another perspective. All I am doing is wallowing in what could have beens, instead of looking at the here and now and making positive steps and decisions going forwards.

I am trying to imagine 1 month’s time and lookin back to now imahinging what I would be complaining about. What will I say “I should have done…” about NOW. And then I focus on that.

Spend time with my son before he goes to Colombia with his mum.
Be present – don’t beat myself up over the past and don’t worry about the future.
Deal with the anxiety. if I am anxious, what am I anxious about.
Deal with gambling urges and accept them, but do not act upon them. Thinking about gambling is normal and will probably subside. Acting on them is fatal.
CLose my office.
Make an inventory of all our assets.
Pay the freelancers who are owed oney
List all our IP – make sure we keep that.

The list could go on and that is something I will do this weekend.

My son is 16months old, he will be almost 2 when he comes back from Colombia. I want to be in a much better place for both my wife and him. I am going to try and live in the here and now, not in the past or the future.

I will cut and paste your post for easy access – it is so spot on.

Many thanks for taking the time to post.

Much love

M

[I_Maverick]

Thanks Sad. I love reading your posts so much and chatting with you. I just had a great time with Harry on the forum now and he said something with is so true. Gambling is only part of my problem. The gambling is symptomatic of something else which has not been addressed, and perhaps the best thing for my recovery is to put the business to one side in an orderly manner, ready to come back to it later. Maybe it is viable or not but in my state, I can’t see. The depression, pills, remorse for the relapse and the fact that I am a compulsive gambler all point to the direction that I need to reflect on my life so far.

I am unhappy, and I think I have been unhappy for years. I think I gambled because ultimately I was unhappy, and the rush of it addicted me instantly. I couldn’t see that. I was so selfish, the arguments it caused between my wife and myself. I just couldn’t see it – all I wanted to do was play. I feel like such a child now.

Doesn’t matter, I am on the road to recovery and with honesty and integrity going forwards I can get better in all areas of my life. I know that to be true, even if I don;t feel it.

Much love

[I_Maverick]

Great post sir. I am facing ruin and yet today I feel I can manage if I take it one day at a time and whenever I find myself thinking of the past, I stop, let the thoughts do their thing and move on. They are like gambling urges – they have no substance. I do not have to be a victim any more and do none of us. With time we can move on to bigger and better things and whatever happens is called “part of life” whatever that is. It is part of this amazing journey.

Thanks for your positive post, it means a lot to me, at least.

[I_Maverick]

Hi Geordie, thanks for your post. The problem is it was 1 day late I did not contact that. Therefore, because I had some late payments from previous years, they put a 10% surcharge on the payment – and we had just been paid a lot of money and we paid 27K in VAT. That’s the fine. I have appealed against, explaining about my mental state of health (depression etc). Probably won’t make a difference and to be honest I have to man up. It makes everything even more precarious at the company.

I can’t blame that all on the gambling though. I must take responsibility.

But I am feeling more hopeful for today. The sun is out, the meds seem to be working again and if I don’t gamble, which I don’t want to, then the day will be a good one.

The truth is, whatever happens happens. The past is the past, I must learn from it and move on if I want to enjoy the rest of my life. Many business go down, for a variety of reasons. Maybe I’ll start another one one day, but for now, I want to finsih this project as best I can and consider my future, which I have never done. I think gambling roots you in the present and you have no thoughts of future apart from gambling – having a gambling ames it impossib;e to think of the future. Certainly for me, because all I would do is think and plan my next session.

Lots of love and thanks for reading.

[I_Maverick]

SO my relapse has cost me 1 month. 1 month in which I didn’t get loads done, and in which my self esteem dropped more. I am so lost in the past of could’ves and would’ves and should’ves, and if onlys etc etc. I am turning into the most pathetic person I know. I ask myself, what happened to me? What happened to the fun Maverick, who was chilled and relaxed. Who had a dream. Everything feels like dust. I am terrified of the future as I cannot see a future. All I know is that if I gamble it will get worse and worse and worse.

Going onto the group session now, see you all soon. Much love.

[I_Maverick]

I know I shouldn’t be posting while at work, but I am in bits. I have accrued a 2700 fine from HMRC because I didn’t pay the VAT bill on time, and this is something I cannot affford. My company has debts coming out of its ears, and I can honestly say it is all because gambling took me away from running my business. INstead of working, I was gambling. I just don’t understand why I have done this to myself, and I am terrified of the future.

I know I must remain calm, that businesses go bust all th etime, but I think that I am breakling the law keeping the business going. I think I have to face the fact that we are essentially insolvent and we have no work coming in and all the money from the last contracts (worth 250K) has essentially been spent. I am so stupid to have done this, I do not understand why i could not be happy with what I had, and take pleasure from building my business rather than running it into the ground.

If anyone out there has advice I would like to hear it. I really don’t know where to turn, to be honest.

I know my reputation is going to be ruined by this, and that no one will want to work with me again. All I want to do is gamble to forget my worries, but i am not going to do that. The temptation to play is overwheling, because that would allow me to hide and forget – but now, I am going to face up to my life and move on from this.

Love to all Mav

[I_Maverick]

Thanks for your post Harry. What I meant is that I will always live with the mistakes, but I want to see them in a psoitoive way. This is all about me becoming a better person, so hopefully in 6 months, 1 year, 2 years I can look back and say, that I gained from this.

I think I have alwasy been immature, not thinking about others needs. That has to stop. What does my wife and child need most of all, and that is a man who is unafraid. A man who can tale life’s ups and down without resorting to escapsim. And the gambling became escapsim. An obsession. I think it is a long time since I believed I could win money because as long as I gamble, I will lose. It is so true that only by not gambling can you win.

When my wife said to me 3 years ago I would lose everything bacause I had an addicted personality I was way to arrogant to listen. Now I am humle and will work on this every day. And on that note, back to work and no more regrets.

Thanks mate. And love to all, god speed all our recoveries.

[I_Maverick]

Adam, I feel for your story. It is so similar to mine and I guess many others. It is the worst feeling in the world. Over 3 years of gambling (poke), quitting, relapsing, losing etc etc I have lost my life savings but more importantly my self respect. Now my busienss is in trouble, my marriage is over and I have to rebuild. I read so many blogs by ex gambler and they all say the same things. Take one day at a time and be kind to yourself. We all make mistakes, god knows I have. Over the last few weeks I have been deep in remorse for so many things, but that is gettng me nowhere. No one’s life is perfect, far from it, and we all —- up. I am trying now to move on, be kind to myself and rebuild what I have lost. My life will never be the same again, but hopefully now it will be better and so will yours.

Keep posting whenever you need – don’t keep thoughts in your head, it is much better to get them out. The great thing about this site is that you can then see what you wrote and where you were at a certain time.

All my love to you and yours.

[I_Maverick]

Adam, I feel for your story. It is so similar to mine and I guess many others. It is the worst feeling in the world. Over 3 years of gambling (poke), quitting, relapsing, losing etc etc I have lost my life savings but more importantly my self respect. Now my busienss is in trouble, my marriage is over and I have to rebuild. I read so many blogs by ex gambler and they all say the same things. Take one day at a time and be kind to yourself. We all make mistakes, god knows I have. Over the last few weeks I have been deep in remorse for so many things, but that is gettng me nowhere. No one’s life is perfect, far from it, and we all —- up. I am trying now to move on, be kind to myself and rebuild what I have lost. My life will never be the same again, but hopefully now it will be better and so will yours.

Keep posting whenever you need – don’t keep thoughts in your head, it is much better to get them out. The great thing about this site is that you can then see what you wrote and where you were at a certain time.

All my love to you and yours.

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