[I_Maverick]

Thanks for that Charles. Everyone tells me the same thing so there must be truth in it. I need to focus on what I need to do. I am overwhelmed by everything but I look at you and see how well you are coping. I think there is a part of me that just expects me to be able tot do it and my laziness/ depression is stopping me from doing the work needed to put everything into place. I think I am scared of sorting myself out, because that requires effort and thought and there is a part of me so used to this chaos that it wants to stay like this. I need to fight through this.

If you have any tips on how to structure life going forward, any good websites you have seen, I would love to hear them.

Thanks for takiong an interested, as always.

[I_Maverick]

Hi Vera

Thanks for your reply to my post. Despite me understanding this and, having been through what I have been through the last 4 weeks, I know that everytime I gamble it gets worse. The intensity increases, the amounts increase, my moods change. Even though I want to gamble, when I do it makes me depressed. I am elated, but depressed at the same time.

I have been thinking about it all day, but I seem to be more aware of the voice of my urges. I seem more aware of how i am constructing scenarios in my head. Yesterday I went to see my brother in Derby about 150 miles away from where I live. This morning I drove back. The drive home was hard = my head was full of negative thouyghts about the mess my life was in, what kind of future do I have, will I find a job – and how will I gamble?

Luckily I did not have my computer and we installed NetNanny on my computer so when I got home I couldnt gamble. My wife also hid her computer which was great, so therefore there was no way could place a bet without going to a bookies, and I have never done that before and have no urge to do that.

It’s monday morning now and once again I am full of regert and mistakes. I could have done so much more at the start of this year. I am in serious financial trouble, no work, worried, hating myself – freaking out about the future, frozen into panic.

Today is the start of day 6 of no gambling, so that is good. But it doesn’t take away my depression or the situation I have created. I feel hopeless, frightened. I simply cannot gamble in this state as it will make everything worse. But there are mments that, similar to drugs, if I did gamble I would at least forget about my worries for a short while. Even though that would absolutely make everything worse.

Well done to everyone on the posts who have remained gamble free and are sorting their lives out. I truly hope I can start to have some good news soon as I piece together my life again.

[I_Maverick]

Well done G.Man, good work. Just what I needed, good news. I have just driven down from my brothers huse in Derby and all the way down I have been having gambliong thoughts. But as my computer has a blocker, it would mean me getting very creative on how to do it. Thank god for the blocker, because otherwise I would probably convince myself to have a small bet – then another ad inifitum.

Kepe posting, I am on Day 6, though I know it is not a race. Every counter of the clock upwards means a lot. Resetting is disaterous.

Best

M

[I_Maverick]

Having anotar tought day mentally. I don’t wanna gamble. But I do. The sick part of my brain is convinced I am due a big win. Afterall I won but the other night before I lost it. It says that this time I wold stop she I am up. But how much is that? What guarantees can it make it won’t lose m initial deposit and the have to chase making reckless bets using the ********* system losing everything. The stealing money from my company again. So no I won’t gamble today. Because I cannot see how I could control it. If I win a lot I won’t want to stop. If I lose I won’t stop. The only thing to do is not to gamble and try and do other things. This makes me feel so hopeless. Is there a part of me tht has not let enough already? I AMA compulsve gambler and the only bet to avoid is the first one.

[I_Maverick]

That is a wonderful post Velvet. One I am going to take heart for myself as it sums up where I am.

BU you are on day 4. That is cool. I am on day 3.5. I have almost had a relapse, but got caught. I don’t even know why I did it. I think I am self-destructive and have continued gambling because a part of me wants to destroy everything.

I have met gamblers who have not relapsed for many many years, but they still call themselves gamblers. I think I need to learn how to accept this. That there is a future and life without gambling. None of my friends gamble and they are leading happy, productive lives. No one’s life is perfect, why should mine be. But if I can come to accept this part of myself and move on, I know I can have the kind of life I deserve.

Many thanks

Mav

[I_Maverick]

Time for me to stop running away from life and embrace what needs to be done.

“What if evil doesn’t really exist? What if evil is something dreamed up by man, and there is nothing to struggle against except out own limitations? The constant battle between our will, our desires, and our choices?”
― Libba Bray, Rebel Angels

[I_Maverick]

JOhnny you’re in the right place. Over the last 3 years gambling has robbed me of almost everything – most importantly selft respect and self esteem driving me to depression.

I am 3 days into my latest recovery. I have installed NetNanny on my computer, only the wife knows the password. All gambling sites are blocked. I never go in bookies so that is not a problem. But for some reason I still think about gambling. The other night I had an all night session which started with just £10. Then £30 then more. At one point I was massively up – could have paid off 2 credit cards and had money left over. But got greedy. Lost that then started using my company credit card. In my head I had a voice telling me to stop while I was ahead, and then I was chasing deep losses. I was deeply lucky to end just £10 down after being 000s down.

I am about to lose my business, my wife is moving back to Colombia with our son and I see no future unless I stop gambling.

I can not offer any advice except to follow the threads here, go to GA, block ALL access to gambling such as GamBlock, NetNanny etc, give someone your cards and ask them to manage your finances. This is what I have had to do, and even know I find my mind drifts to ways to gamble. I never use bookies, but the addict in me has started imagining playing FOBTs, even though they are crack cocaine. So I must resist and focus on what needs to be done.

Coming here helps me vent, you’ll see that from my posts. Use the support groups and the helpline, the staff are brilliant.

Got to go back to work now, good luck.

Mav

[I_Maverick]

Feeling depressed again at the car crash that my life is. 3 year son and off gambling has rob es me of my ambition. Even when not gambling it’s all I seemed to think about. I struggle to see a positive future. Blyot loads to do at the office. 2 months gone this year. Nothing of note achieved. This isn’t true but te how I feel. I need to move on.

[I_Maverick]

YOu say nice things, but the point is why can’t I just stop. What is all this childishness. And self destruction. I don’t get it.

[I_Maverick]

cheers mate. Net Nanny works a treat. Just testing it out now on all gambling sites.

[I_Maverick]

Dude, we have just installed NetNanny on my computer. Works with PC and MAC. Don’t know why we didn’t do this sooner. I now cannot gamble and I can forget about it. All gambling sites are now blocked. I have tried to access ALL the poker and casino sites I can find.

Funny how I have to be treated like a child to move on.

Do it mate. You won’t regret it if you are serious about quitting gambling.

All my love and hugs and kisses.

[I_Maverick]

I do not understand why I am still thinking about gambling when I have so much other stuff to think about. I truly am losing total faith in myself. Last night I had a session with my psychotherapist. We diiscussed my gambling, my unhappiness etc etc. Without going into details, he thinks I am trying to self destruct because my own father died when I was 4 months old infront of me, and he thinks that somehow this traumatised me and now I am trying to self destruct. It is true I have done some dangerous things in my life and for 20 years have struggled with one addiction after another. I know no one here can help me with this but I am losing patience with myself. I appear to be a one way road to hell and even though I am driving the car and appear to be pressing the accelorator pedal.

This site is a godsend for me to write my thoughts down. This is day 2 since my meltdown and my gambling is taking up so much of mine and my wife’s time. Has anyone else found this internal resistance when they decided to quit? I read posts like Fritz’s and he seems to be doing so well – there is clearly something wrong with me at a deep level. I should say “I QUIT” and then stop. Deal with the urges, accept them, and move on, knowing I want to quit. I will never make money gambling, almost no one does. So why am I persisting? I still think about 2 days ago how I rescued myself, and apart of me thinks that I could do it again. Part of me thinks that I could win – which is so much lies.

This is driving me insane – 3 years this shit has been going on. Am I really so stupid?

Netnanny works. All gambling sites blocked. No more temptation. Hooray.

We are going to install this on all our computers.

[I_Maverick]

So I just went and deposited some money in an old account I just found, and an email was sent to my email and my wife found it. I do not know why I did it. I am glad I did it so I got caught. Now we are installing NetNanny on my computer. I think I did it so I would get caught because I was clearly reluctant to stop gambling. I know I have to. But for some reason a part of me doesn’t. I do not understand what is going on with me, it makes fucking sense at all. Has anyone here depsoited money, then forgot about it? When my wife questioned me straught away I did not know I had done it – and then I remembered.

I think I havr to be grateful. If I really wanted to gamble, I would have done it in a more sneaky way, not in a way that I got caught straight away.

I am very confused as to why i would do that.

What part of me is trying to gamble again and why. I do not want to gamble, yet I appear to have had a blackout. I genuinely did not know I had done it until Monica found out. This sounds like a cop out but is true.

I am very disappointed in myself.

I have an appointment with the psychiatrist on Tuesday of next week to discuss my meds.

[I_Maverick]

Gutted that you relapsed mate. Why? Yesterday the urge to play BJ was really strong as the moey I withdrew went into my account. Excatly what I took out was returned. How the —- I ended up evens I do not know. Someone looked kindly upon me. I know in the depths of my depravity that night I prayed to god (of my understanding) and said if I could have my money back I would never gamble again. The agreement was struck. I know if I gamble again devastation will not be far away. So I must be strong and resiliant and understand once and for all that there is no answer to any of my problems in gambling. It will only make new ones.

I am on day 2. The clock is ticking.

[I_Maverick]

I have cut and paste that quote. I know that to be true. Today I looked at the company account and saw that the money had been returned from betfair. Over 5 deposits I took out the same money I withdrew. Amazing. The scariest thing is that there is a part of my gambler brain that says if I played more carefully that could have been profit. But now I understand there is no profit – only more money to gamble with.

I think I understand how pointless gambling is. All it does is feed itself, which is what addictions do.

You are doing so well, it will crush me if you relapse, so i pray to whatever power is out there that you can do it. I do look at your story as you tell it and it fills me with fear. I do not have the have your story, in term sof your past. But together we can have a fantastic future full of life and hope and love. And perhaps, with the gambling behind us, we could actually say something positive came out of it. That is what I hope to be able to say.

Stay strong and keep posting.

All my love

[Author]

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