[I_Maverick]

So many wise words Fritz that we can all learn from. I think your story has inspired me great, and many stories on these blogs, reminding me why I too want to remain clean. The truth I understand now is that gambling is a waste of time. All it does it feed an addiction, it serves no other purpose for me. It is a drug, and in the same way that I quit other drugs, I am sure I can kick this one too.

Thank you for your post, and thanks for the quote. It is wonderful.

[I_Maverick]

I can’t speak for anyone else but for me playing poker sneakily became an escape valve until I just could not stop playing, even though it was eating money slowly (playing on micro or medium sites) but ate all my time and ambition. I was utterly addicted to playing, even though it was destroying me from the inside. Being gamble free now for 11 days I have some perspective as this is my first forced abstinence for a long time. Normally I pretend to quit and then find ways to play in secret, as if it is my right. I find that part of the addiction hardest to square now. For me it was escape – even though I was escaping from my childhood dream of making films. We had a commission to make 7 short films – and instead Gambling had me in its grip and I knew it and did nothing about it. For some reason I couldn’t. It makes no sense to me. It is so irrational – but I think that is the disease. You do not think straight.

If someone said to me I would have a 250K comission to make 7 short films which i could use to cement my reputation as an up and coming producer but that i would gamble it and not focus on it I would have laughed – that’s not me. And yet I did. I feel like such a fool when I think about what could have been.

I can never gamble again, and there is still a part of my brain which s rejecting that. It says, give it a few months and then play poperly. Set time limits, cash out winning, make it a one off. But I know as soon as I play I will be hooked again, so no going back.

Hope you are doing well Charlster, don’t let yourself down.

[I_Maverick]

Just found this blog Jay. How you doing, it’s a few months since you posted. Your story is so similar to mine. I was running a succesfuk production company making films, and we just finished 7 short films for a charity. Really good films. But the budget has been used up and we haven;t finished because of gambling last year. Instead of focusing on the production I was sneakily playing poker. It was even that much money, but the time was days and days and days. Obviously the work didn’t get done. I kept telling myself to get help, but kept putting it off. Then depression hit, I was unfocused, having anxiety attacks – still didn’t do anything about it. Now, had a big relapse this year and started using company funds. Now we are running out of money to pay the company debts, no work (becuase I didn’t do the marketing/ networking) an I feel like a failure. I have a wife and small son, and she is going back to Colombia as she is sick of this. She has said she will never know if I am gambling or not. I am now into day 11 of being gamble free and the last 11 days have been hell. I need to find a way of forgiving myself, but not forgetting. I have to accept that I must close my lovely office, and possibly shut the business, but I have to accept that.

Please post again and let us know how you are doing.

[I_Maverick]

Hi JOhn

have been up since 4am reading your story. how are you? How you doing? So much of what you wrote rings true to me and what i am going through now. buisness ruined, relatinoship ruined, wife taking young son back to her country of irgin. but i will get through this. i will be strong for the rest of my life. hope you are doing ok and you are gamble free. please post. i am day 11 now.

[I_Maverick]

Hi Maverick, Maverick here. Some people mentioned you when I was on some of the support groups. Funny, you posted 1 day after my brithday last year, so you can’t be me.

Just wondering if that is your name, or why you chose it. I was named after a horse so Maverick is my real name – Curse of my life I sometimes think. I hope you are doing well with the addiction. I hit Day 11 today no gamble.

John, yours is such an amazing story. I haven;t goit uyp to date yet, but I hope you are doing well. I am looing forward to reading more. Cannot sleep due to thoughts of mistakes, past, what i have ruined etc. This will pass i am sure.

good luck

[I_Maverick]

Mate that is so awesome. I love reading about your story, at the moment you are the most amazing success. You’ve really got it clear in your head, while my head is still stuffy and confused. I would hate to say I;m jealous, but I really want some of what you have at the moment, so please keep posting.

I think I may be ready next week to start to turn my mind towards the big stuff, breaking it down into bitesize chunks.

Well done mate, my heart gives you a mexican wave. 😉

[I_Maverick]

Thanks for answering End. Your story hits home so much. I know I do not know the ins and outs, but this affliction of ours creates so many problems. I am so gutted by what I have done but actually I am not surprised. I guess we all know where this disease takes us – it takes everything from us and leaves us with nothing but depression, broke, no future.

IN a way I wonder if this was the best thing that could have happened to me. It is making me look deep inside of myself to find out who I really am and who I can be. It’s not a joke for me anymore – I have screwed up too much and the dream I invested in my business has crumbled, for no reason that I was more interested in gambling isntead of working.

I am sure you can get through this. Please keep posting – how long have you been gamble free for? I remember you from some of the early online group sessions I attended.

All my love for you to keep going one day at a time.

[I_Maverick]

another tough day. I hope they will start getting easier. I have been reading so many stories on here trying to put mine into context. I know all our stories are different but the one factor binds us all. Compulsive Gambling.

Can I ask if anyone here lost everything, and didn’t quit until it was all gone. How were the first few weeks? How did they muster the strength to sort out their lives? What does it mean looking at our defects. I am feeling very lost and full of grief, and need some strength here. I read about people going about their day to day life, but I have screwed my income stream (my business) because I neglected it so much through gambling. How can this one thing have such a hold on me.

I think I am spending too much time on the blogs. I know the answers are not here, they are inside me, but I am reaching out.

I hope everyone had a gamble free day today.

[I_Maverick]

HOw are you doing End? I can totally relate to everything you wrote. I am on meds, and am constantly beating myself up. If I had had the ability and sense to stop last year, exactly this time last year, then I would not be in this position. If I had worked harder on our big project it would have been finished sooner. Much sooner. I should have paid off the company debts when we had the money. I should have been more organised. I can go on and on. I am so close to killing myself. But what good will that do, I just leave a mess behind. Is that the answer? I hope not.

Please write again and let us know how you are. We love you loads. We are here to support you. I know that now I have given up gambling for 10 days this is just withdrawel. That will pass, but when will I get myself back.

All the best

[I_Maverick]

I still cannot get out of my head that if I had stopped last year in jan when my wife found out, then I would not be here. My year would have been so different.

[I_Maverick]

Thanks mate. Doesn’t change the reality of my life, but I am maybe a little but more clear headed.

[I_Maverick]

So last gamble was 9 days ago. Still very depressed but not trying to think about that past. What is done is done. I have to live with it. I will always have t live with the fact that by not being to stop this addiction sooner, even though I knew it was hurting me, it has truly wrecked my life. But at 42 everyone tells me I am young. I’ll take that on trust. I feel like 80 sometimes.

9 days – and only now am I approaching something like acceptance. I am a CG. That’s all there is to it. I couldn’t give it up because I was addicted and I though I could hide it. Warning warning. To think that is a healthy way to live, that you have to hide an addiction that you ‘enjoy’, that you can’t share this ‘hobby’ for fear of what people say? What kind of a hobby is that? That’s shame right there.

I think of the amount of time spent playing poker when I should have been working, planning – running my own business. Instead, I was able to play all I wanted and no one could sack me. What a sad sack of shit I am. Pathetic.

Well, the truth will out as they say.

Today is day 10 – that is the longest length of time that has not be imposed on me.

[I_Maverick]

Fritz, this is a fantastic analogy. Thank you for sharing. I think you have hit the nail on the head. My big regert right now is that I am quitting too late to save my business. I should have come on this site 1 year ago and quit then, and my life would be so diffferent. HOwever, I do wonder what my life will be like in 1 more year – time to start planning for the future instead of regertting the past methinks.

[I_Maverick]

Great post. I am going to try that – not look further back than yesterday and no farther forward than tomorrow. And make tomorrow better than today, or today better than yesterday. That is so awesome.

Nice one Charlster.

[I_Maverick]

Been having a tough day and I think they are going to get harder. Finding it so hard to relax. I just cannot get out of my head what a prick I have been. Thinking how it would be different. Last year when I knew my gambling was getting out of control a colleague (an employyee actually who has known me for 5 years) asked me if I was gambling again. I remember it clearly. I lied. I could have told the truth and then we could have talked about it but I was so ashamed. After that my gambling and depression, going hand in hand, got worse, and I reliase now they were and are linked. If I had looked for this site back then and stopped the gambling, and focused on my business, I wouldn’t be in this mess. But that is me through and through. Always leave things until they are too late and fucked up. Well, the cat is out of the bag now. I have 2 months to sort this out. That sound slike a lot but 2 months has lareadt gone this year and I have got almost nothing done. I have spent 6 weeks since my last discovery in a state of almost constant terror and hatred.

Still, today is 8 days without a gamble. That is my longest self imposed break on gambling, not counditing holidays to isalmic countries where gambling is forbidden online. I tried this Christmas when we went to Abu Dhabi for Christmas and NewYear. Websites were blocked, thankfully.

Still, I didn’t have to start again when I got back – but I did.

Sometimes I think I have more gambling memories over the last 3 years than I do other memories. And that includes the birth of my son – and while my wife was in hospital I was playing poker at home. He was 4 weeks premie, and over that Christmas (he was born Oct 20th 2013) while my wife tried to nurse him I played poker. I am such a degenerate. I am surprised she has stayed with me for so long.

This addiction turns us into horrible people, liars, sneaks, unable to communicate, always thinking of the next bet. Well now I don’t think of the next bet, I think of all the shit I have done. I need to find a way of containing it, accepting it, and rebuilding otherwise I will never move on.

I was to say that I once had a gambling addiction, that I will always be a CG, but I have not had a bet in… years. And that the rest of my life is getting sorted – job, stable income, able to keep paying bills, outgoings, save money and feel like I have a future again. The disease robs us of the ability to enjoy what is good in life. I heard so many people say it but I am only just realising it. I think ut is worse than other addictions because it exists only inside your head and everything about it is based on a lie.

The lie is that you will win money – you might, but you don’t see it. And then you lose that and more. I feel bad because I never won big, but the truth is I did have a winning streak 2 years ago which won me back almost everything I had lost up to that point. 3 weeks later all that was gone. There is part of me that craves the big win – but how much is big enough?

I have to stop here because I don’t think if I do it will end. And then nothing else will matter.

I had to speak with the samaritans today. I was thinking of suicide. I worked out how to do it, and make sure it worked. I spent 30 mins thinking about it – and it made me feel worse. To leave my son without a father, to ruin everyone else’s lives more? No, that’s the easy/ difficult way out, and just leave sother people in the shit. No, man up and deal with. be a better man, for once. See something out. There are no shortcuts to this, and what I am feeling is what I feeling. I need to find other ways of coping. I need to start eating better, excercising, making an effort.

An effort. I have been so lazy, all I have thought about is poker for 3 years. And if I wasn’t playing how could I play – how could I get away with it? Which cards could I use that she wouldn’t find? How could I leave work early to get an hours worth of play in. All for what? I never won. What’s the point if I am not winning? But the disease had such a hold on me, it makes me childish, petulant, irritable. And people know and when questioned I lie. It has made me hate life, as it thinks that without it there is no life.

My bad feelings now are connected to the no gambling – but that means the disease is winning. So why not say: Yes, my life is a mess. It is a mess because I made a mess. But it is still life, and that is prevcious. I am healthy, I have relatively intelligent, I am sure i can get some sort of a job in my field. NOt at the top, but somewhere midway, something I can work at, prove my worth again. BUt before that I need to work on me. The lazy me, the arrogant me, the gambler me. Because they are my enemy. Even if I do not want to do it, I have to. That’s what we have to do. I am a long way from that person.

I think if I couldn’t wirte on here I would go mad.

I know I need to sort stuff out here and with my business before I can go on the GMA course, which I so want to do, just because I need a break.

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