[I_Maverick]

So I am having urges, but I understand them now. My urge is because I just checked my bank account and saw the money I ‘won’ in the account. I put it in my savings. But now, the gambler addicted part of my brain truly believes you can make money this way. I know this not to be true. Next time I could lose it. I think it will take a long time for this belief to disappear. They say the worst thing that can happen to a gambler is they win as that reinforces the false belief. Twice now I was massively down and twice now I have pull fit back from the brink. I believe that 3rd time will be unlucky. I remember the state I was in – I was frantic. I threw up when I stopped.

I was to stay gamble free, earn my money, not try to win it. No easy way of life.

I wish everyone a gamble free day, I will focus on my tasks and achieve more success in my new life as a non-gambler.

Peace and love

[I_Maverick]

Hey Adam

Great, honest post. I felt the same as you until I finished The Easy Way. The book is great as it is very repetitive as it bangs home its message. I now question why I ever gambled. For years I got nothing from it. I know if I gamble again I will get sucked right in. I want a life without gambling, most be don’t gamble. What has it ever given me? Nothing, not even any great wins. I have a few big win, most I never cashed out. I do understand that you can have big wins, but if you keep gambling what;’s the point? I still do fantasise about the big win and keeping it. I remember Charlster wrote how he was 12K up at one point but then just upped the stakes. Lost the lot. You too wrote how you got your money back to 20K, then smashed the lot in 2 or so weeks. What’s the point. If you could be guaranteed to win and then walk away, great. But if we are a CG we can’t. If all you do with a win is put it back, what’s the point?

I was very lucky again over the weekend, at one point I was massively down. I ended up up, but my GA sponsor said I didn’t win – merely finished with more than I started. But if I gamble again that would go. I checked my bank yesterday – the deposited had gone but not the withdrawel.

If you think about what gambling ever gave you, apart from a short rush of “did I win” or “did I lose” nothing. And if you are using such huge amounts of money, the stress will kill you. It would me.

We are all here with you, don’t be fooled by the ‘glamour’ that people sometimes write. I think that’s what made me relapse too. I wanted that win and walk away. But next time I play, if I play with the same intensity, I could lose everything. I can’t play at those stakes any more.

19 days is amazing, I haven’t done 19 self imposted days for years.

Keep posting, stay strong and get the Allen Carr book. It was much better than I thought. You have been an inspiration to me as you have got your head around your compulsion.

Thanks for being here.

[I_Maverick]

Dear all

I just read The Easy Way to Quit. I didn’t gamble yesterday and now I don’t know why I gambled before. It gave me nothing but heartache, just a false dream I needed it / could win money. It twisted everything in my head. Why do I need to gamble when I have the potential of a wonderful life.

I have a lot to do to fix my life, and that would have been easier had I not spent this year gambling, feeling sorry for myself etc. But that is done. I now need to move on, speak with creditors, start organising myself, taking control of my life again. I honestly don’t feel like the need to gamble again. I know I will get ‘pangs’ but so what. What has gambling ever given me apart from making me lie, making me stressed, making me hide and taking time away from the important things in life.

I feel calmer, more in control.

This has been a lovely place, and one I intend to stay and keep posting my recovery.

All my love

Mav

[I_Maverick]

Just a quick thank you for Janey from GMA. I just had a 1 hour session, and I feel ready to tackle today. I can’t fix my life in one day, but I can one day at a time. I know there are lots of things for me to do, and it won’t be easy, and at times it will be hard to take, but I accept that. I am going to makle today a good day 2.
Thank you to all the people who have posted offering encouragement, it means a lot. I read everyones stories, and they have taught me so much. I need to put that into practice, one day at a time.

I have to go now, but I hope to be back later.

Love to all

Mav

[I_Maverick]

Full of anxiety today. Want to gamble just to escape, I think. Just to destroy. I need to remember what Fritz said in his post, that the way forward is to make today better than yesterday. Things are very messy in my head, I wish I had no relapsed. I wish so much I had stopped last year after my big relapse around Christmas and I came clean. For some reason after a short break I thought I could handle it. I can only remember times of gambling last year, on the toiler, outside cafes with internet with the laptop perched on a bin as I slowly lost control – always sneaking, hiding, when I should have been working or with my family. What is wrong with me, why can’t O just focus on what it is I need to do. Why have I slowly destroyed everything that is good in me, my life and my family.

I feel like a total loser. I heard the stories three years ago in GA about people who went too far and I promised myself I would not do that. It wasn’t worth it, and yet I have been unable to control it and I have done that. I have done everything I promised I would not do. This makes me so pathetic.

Today will be a second day without gambling, I know this will be hard, but I need to set small achievable tasks for today, while slowly planning for what I need to do in the future.

Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The Strength to change those things I can
And the Wisdom to know the difference.

[I_Maverick]

Thanks Charlster. I read you post earlier, I hope you are ok.

I understand that it needs to stop before I do more damage. If I get out now, I can still recover and maybe save a small amount of dignity. If I carry on on this merry-go-round, the wheels will come off. What I just went through over the weekend only CGs would understand. It was a 4 hour whirlwind of mentalness. But I think part of me craves the mentalness – it is what I got from drugs and other crazy experiences. I think I need craziness – I just need to find safer craziness. I need mentalness – I need safe mentalness.

Lots of love, stay safe.

Mav

[I_Maverick]

Hi Mark,

I know where you are coming from. At the moment my emotions are all over the place. I relapsed over the weekend and almost lost all my money. However I did lose more trust, self-respect, more time I should be working. I still want to gamble, but I don’t. I went to GA tonight – today is day 1 again for me. You can do it. I too have been beating myself up for so long I punish myself by gambling so I can feel more self pity. I think that’s why I gambled, because I hate myself. I need to change that.

I am done with this, it is not normal. This is a very insane way to live a life. I have to stop before I lose EVERYTHING.

You can do it, as I know I can do it. But it is one day at a time. Have a read of Fritz and Charlsters posts – they are awe inspiring, amazing, honest and they will speak to you as they spoke to me. They have cracked something, they have found the inner light. You can too.

Feel free to write me at any time, we are in the same boat. Up shit creek and without a paddle, but between us we ban build a paddle, one day at a time and start sailing towards the clean water, away from the sewer.

Good luck, my prayers are with you.

[I_Maverick]

Hi mate, you have come to the right place. If you feel you have a gambling problem, you probably do. I was in denial for 3 years, and it has led me nowhere. I am about to lose everything. The money doesn’t matter, as you can earn it back. But before long, and this was my experience, the urge too gamble will grow stronger and stronger until it occupies every part of your brain. It stopped me from running my business, which is now in dire trouble. It has wrecked my self esteem, pushed my wife and young child away, and is about to leave me homeless without a job, full of debts and self hatred.

Absintence is the only solution. I thought I could gamble on and off – nope. It always came back. Over the last 6 weeks I have been living a hell I have never experienced before as the slow realisation of the car crash of my life is forming before my eyes. I am now looking at bankruptcy.

Keep posting on here, read other people’s blogs (Fritz’s is excellent, he is making great progress). Me, I am back to square 1 because I gambled yesterday and Saturday, but even though I won I feel like shit because I have let everyone down. Again.

Gambling is a 1 way street to nothing. You will lose all your money, self respect, self esteem. It will make you less productive at work as you think about future bets, recent losses, trying to hide your gambling from those. I created a whole range of alter egos because I didn’t face up to the fact that I am and always ill be now a compulsive gambler. I start off with £10, and before I know it I have gambled for 5 hours and deposited 4K and am chasing deep losses making crazy bets of £500 on a single hand of BJ. I was lucky my last 2 binges didn’t result in a financial loss, but that’s not the point. The point is the next time I play I may run out of money to keep despositing to keep chasing. Yesterday I was 3K in the hole and then won that back, but I know that will not always happen.

The cliche is the house always win – and what we lose is our self respect, trust of our families, self esteem and money.

I am now on day 1 again, and I intent, one day at a time, to rebuild my life. I want to make each day better than the last.

I hope you stick around, and I hope you can stop the gambling before it takes over. You sound like a very smart bloke who found this place on his own.

Good luck and I wish you all the best.

Mav

[I_Maverick]

SO as an addition, I want to say how sorry I am to myself. I know I looked for a way around net nanny, and of course I found it. And then instead of letting my partner know I found a way around it, I gambled. Because I am a CG, And even though I finished up and managed to tale the money out, more damage is done to my life. Another day lost feeling like shit. Why do I keep doing this?

I have ordered the EasyWay to Quit Gambling and other books, and I am going to make this a new RockBottom.

If anyone out there has any tips on how to cope with a relapse, I am all ears. I know I am in control, but for some reason despite knowing all of this I still give in to the urges.

I feel like such an idiot for doing this over and over again. I am ruining everyone’s lives and I do not know why. Why can’t I just stop and focus on what is important: family, happiness, achieving things. Why have I gambled constantly with such destruction for 3 years, when I KNEW I should stop. I knew as soon as I started online poker I was addicted, but I didn’t take it seriously. It’s as if I had to wreck everything before I stopped. I just don’t get that. How can I, a relatively intelligent person, let it all go like that. And now I will soon have nothing and will have to start again.

I am going to GA tonight to get advice and start the process again. I think now I have to take this very seriously. My business will soon be bust, I will be bankrupt, I will be alone and all of this because of gambling and a very immature way of life.

I know there are people who have faced similar problems to mine, so any words of wisdom would be wonderful.

I wish everyone a gamble free day, and I promised to post everyday with news of my continued abstinence, and the rebuilding of my life.

Love to all

[I_Maverick]

Hi Vera

I too am saddened that I looked for a way around the software. I know I am a CG and that I am in control of my actions, but part of me still wants the ‘excitement’ of gambling, the promise of winning money. I almost lost all the money I had in the world, but more importantly now I have come clean to my family I have more trust to rebuild. Today is now lost to doing the work that needed to be done. I am astonished by how stupid I am and continue to be. I have achieved nothing this year at all, except gamble, feel sorry for myself, gamble again etc etc.

You are right that the money I ‘won’ brings no joy. It did yesterday and now it feels dead. I will make sure I spend it properly on good things.

I have applied to GMA. I hope to start soon, after I sort stuff out here.

I feel like I let everyone down, not least my wife, son, family, friends etc. I have nothing left. I have to make this a new rock bottom. And rebuild from here, day by day. So this is a new day 1.

Vera, how long have you been clean for? What measures were you able to put in place to stay clean?

Again, thanks for posting, it means a lot.

M

[I_Maverick]

I relapsed over the weekend. I found that a new browser didn’t work with NetNanny and I was able to open a new account. I came close to losing every bit of money I had. But in the end I finished up. I have told everyone. I wasn’t going to tell anyone, but after speaking with friends and family I realised I had to tell everyone. The money will come in useful. But it means I gambled again.

We have put extra blockers on the computer and totally limited my access to money. I used PayPal. And then went and found where my wife had hidden my bank cards. I gambled all weekend but haven’t gambled today. I managed to withdraw all my money before I lost it. That is the only blue sky. But the rest of my life is still shit.

My fear is that I am unable to tell the truth anymore. I feel like I have a really random relationship with the truth. Gambling has made such a sneak and a liar out of me that I find it difficult to tell the truth in other areas.

One thing I am starting to realise is that I must take account of my defects. This is something that is spoken about in GA.

I lie
I cheat
I am not honest
Gambling has come before:
1) Family
2) Home
3) Friends
4) Work
5) Ambition
6) General health and wellbeing

But stopping gambling will not automatically address these issues. Only I can do this. Fritz wrote an excellent post yesterday/ this morning which I am far from being. Fritz is really getting it, as are many of the other posters here. I am learning so much from being part of this blog.

I am at work now, so will have a fuller update later. But if anyone knows of a good book. website which can help one address defects in their life, such as a self help book, please pass on the details. I must learn, not be a loafer, focus, rebuild trust in myself and those around me.

I am so far from being the person I wanted to be. The truth is, I need to know work out ow to be honest again.

I am sorry for relapsing, but I think now I know. There is still a person in my head saying “You won a grand in a day, you could always win a grand a day” but that is not true. Next time I could run out of gambling money and then it is fucked.

I am going to keep reading the posts and keep posting.

Love to all

Mav

[I_Maverick]

This is a wonderful post, which I have cut and pasted and emailed to my wife. These are the thoughts I want to have myself, naturally, not forcing myself. They make sense. A life without gambling is a true life. Gambling sets off our head, our mind. It becomes an all encompassing set of thoughts. When we are not gambling, we are thinking of how to gamble. This takes our mind away from being in the present, with our families, friends, at work etc. Or we are thinking about losses, and how to overcome them, filled with regret and hate.

I am done with that. Got to walk the dog now.

Peace and love Fritz, keep posting.

[I_Maverick]

That’s a wonderful post End. Really wonderful. I too struggle with my past, doing back 20 years. All the weird decisions I have made which led to addictions.

I hope you start to feel better, my love to you and yours.

M

[I_Maverick]

Hi End,

Thanks for asking. Had a lot going on in my mind recently. A part of me does not want to be a CG. It believes that I can gamble reponsibly. Past history proves that to be untrue, but minds are weird things. I want to gamble, win and then walk away my my winnings. I have fantasised about gambling this weekend and winning big – the truth is I would probably lose big, chase losses and then feel like killing myself. What happens if I win big? It will never be big enough? 1K, 2K. 5K? It;ll never be enough, I will always have lost more than I win? I just spoke with my sponsor from GA and he explained that the only way to win is not to play. To actually build a life without gambling. That sounds good? I think I am going to learn how to sing. And I have alwasy fancied being a stand-up, so I am going to try and learn how to do that. I like getting up on stage and talking. The question is, can I turn my experiences into funny stories that make people laugh?

I have certainly had my fair share of funny experiences as an addict. I am going to try and find somewhere I can learn – there must be books, websites etc.

The truth is I am a CG, Otherwise I wouldn’t be here. It has played havoc with my inner life, made me be lazy at work, not do work, be distant always thinking about gambling.

I feel as if I am on the mend now, to be honest. I am getting better.

I ordered the book The Easy Way To Stop Gambling. I have an audio book version but I prefer something I can read and make notes in. It seems to be working wonders for Fritz. I need a sea change in the way I percieve gambling and other addictions.

I hope everyone here has had a good gamble free weekend.

See you all

Mav

[I_Maverick]

SO I am out walking with the baby, having a coffee while little one sleeps. I am thinking a lot about gambling, though I don’t want to. Today is day 12. Part of me wants to gamble, for the rush – the other is petrified of it. I need to rebuild a life which doesn’t involved gambling. I realise I am as addicted to gambling as I was to heroin and as I am to cigarettes. There is a part of the brain that doesn’t want to let it go. I know I am not phsycially addicted to gambling. I know that I will never win my money back, nor can I ever hope to. I simply do not have the bankroll to try. I would have to start with 25K to win 25K back, and I would probably lose. Let;s say I play with £100 and lose that – then I chase. Let’s say I win £200 – how long doe sthat last before I lose that again. All a win does is give us more money to play with, and then we are sort of satisfied with breaking even, winning our money back but maybe losing 8-10 hours of our lives. What the hell is the point in that? The only point is the rush, a rush which costs us £000s , families, jobs, careers, self esteem. When I first did the gambling clinic we had to write in 2 columns for and against. The against column is always longer than the for. So why did I continue? What did I hope to get out of it?

My wife has proceeded to tell all of her friends. That is her perogative. The secret is out. I can only not gamble one day at a time. Gambling makes me unhappy, so why does my brain still want to do something that makes me unhappy? This I find troubling. I cannot find the answer, except it is an addiction.

When I first started attending GA I never understand what it meant to be in action. Now I do. That is what the addiction means. Simply to be in action. No matter how many times I have been up and I have told myself to quit now while I am ahead, I can’t. And then when I am down I chase.

I am sure this is the same for everyone – can anyone else confirm this? It is important for me to understand that it is the same for everyone.

I am sure I would have relapsed had my computer not been blocked. For that I am very grateful.

I wish you all a gamble free weekend.

[Author]

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