[I_Maverick]

Hi Southside, well done on coming to the forums. You are in the right place to get support for your addiction. It sounds as if you are a strong willed person, with a determination to change you life. Life without gambling is wonderful, so I am told. I certainly had no problem with gambling before 3 years ago, and then it sucked everything out of me drip drip drip. I have neglected my family, my business, my self. I am now dried up and shrivelled. Today is day 8 for me. My last 2 relapses were horrific, and I could have lost almost 10K. The fact I finished up means my faulty thinking still wants to play. I have moved from medium stakes poker to high stakes BlackJack.

I am on medication for depression brought on by the gambling. I have had so many opportunities to quit in the past which would have meant I am not in this place now. But I have to see this present for what it is – the endless now. If I start to make better decisions now, they will improve my future, which now seems bleak.

I hope you keep posting, and that it can achieve your plan one day at a time.

Many thanks

Keep posting with your progress, use the support groups and believe in yourself.

[I_Maverick]

SO much truth in that post Adam. So much self-understanding. I know that after my ‘win’ on Sunday, if I hadn;t told everyone I would have soon lost that and more. I still get thoughts berating myself for not trying to win more, but then I think “who’s to say you would have won?” I am sure I would have lost it, and more, and then hated myself. ONly we understand this compulsion.

You’re doing great, mate.

[I_Maverick]

Hey happy good to see you. Great new name.

[I_Maverick]

A fair post mate. Funnily enough I always think of elephants. I was only trying to draw attention to the fact that Opera let me gamble, so a fair warning. We are alwasy responsible for our own actions, no one else. No one puts a gun to our heads. The truth is: we are addicts. No different to heroin, alcholo, nictine etc.

I will take a look at K9 now.

[I_Maverick]

I di that when I am playing, especially if I start making crazy stupid moves that WILL love me money, I sit there going “NO< FOLD" as I raise. It;s mad, it's as if I am taken over my a beast in me. Don't be too hard on yourself, just know how to put more blocks in place. Have had some thoughts today, the voice telling me I can win more as I won last time. I am sure I could, but how much would I have to lose first to start making the kind of bets you need to win big. That's my problem, I start small and then it spiralls. No more rollercoaster for me. Stay Strong Butch, you can do it.

[I_Maverick]

Thank Fritz, means a lot. Have a great day at work mate.

[I_Maverick]

So yesterday I went to GA for the 3rd time in the week (Mon, Tues and Thurs) and today I am into my fifth day of not gambling. It has been hard this week, but my medication is kicking in and although I do feel down, I feel more able to work on what I need to do. I have so much wreckage to clean, but I can’t feel sorry for myself forever.

I just read Tails I Lose by Justyn Larcombe, a guy who had it all and then went on a mad gambling spree and wrecked everything he had. The book is interesting how this smart, educated super successful man threw it all away, getting progressively worse. Luckily for him he had a good story, and was able to get published, but he seems very honest about it. There is a lot in there that every CG can relate to. I think I will write my story on here at somepoint, just to give me some perspective.

Right now I have all my blocks in place, no access to debit or credit cards, and now urge to gamble. My urges come when I am bored or uninterested, and so I would waste time gambling. Now I can’t do that.

But my life is still a wreck, and I have to clean my mess up.

Lots of love to all

Mav

[I_Maverick]

What a wonderful, insightful post Charlster. I do so enjoy reading your posts about your recovery. You have really fixed your mind in the right place. I am on day 5 – again – and this time I don’t feel like relapsing. Gambling has given me nothing but destruction. WOrse than losing money is the fact that if I gamble, even if I win, I’ll do more damage to my self esteem. I won on the weekend just gone, but it didn’t make me happy. I wonder how much I would need to win to do that – more than I could possibly win, and then I would probably put it back. The fact that I walked away with the profit last time is becuase the ride was so intense I threw up and had to close the computer. It was 3 hours of such mad intensity I could not handle it anymore.

Thanks for being here and thanks for all the support you offer everyone, you are a real human being and your recovery is a thing to behold. I am sure we will all have flat days, but everyone has them. That’s not because you’re not gambling, it’s because you are human and no one can be happy all the time. Gambling makes us believe that we should be happy all the time, and the way to achieve that is gambling.

Stay strong and have a great gamble free day

[I_Maverick]

Hi BU

Sorry to hear of your relapse. I understand exactly what happened as it happens to us all. We are up, withdraw – and then reverse that. The reversal button is the worst thing of all, I have done it so many times. It’s why they have it there, to make sure that CGs never walk away with their money. And if it hadn’t been straight away, it would be some other time.

So, don’t be too hard on yourself. Get your friend to get NetNanny installed, but be aware that it doesn’t work well for Opera so do not use Opera. Only use CHROME, IE or SAFARI. This is how I relapsed last week.

I wish you all the best

Mav

[I_Maverick]

Hi JD, thanks mate. I found this article.

http://knowtheodds.org/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/KTO_StayingSafeAfterPG.pdf

I am going to do the exercises here.

[I_Maverick]

Dear all,

Feeling very low again today. I guess that’s normal and I have to accept it. Can’t shake the feeling of what I have done to myself, my family, my business etc. I have so much to try and fix it seems overwheling. I have to remember what they say in GA – that I can’t fix all my life’s problems in one day. I need to take this one day at a time. The urge to gamble was strong yesterday, but I accept it. My brain will want to gamble when it is low, as Gambling always gives me a high.

I want to get a high from being with my son and family, but I appear to be empty.

I will be going to GA again this eve, so that will make 3 in a week. The rush from reading the EasyWay has faded now, and i have to remember I am in recovery. I do not need to gamble, it will only make things worse. I understand now how an alcoholic feels. The ‘need’ for a drink or whatever. But that will not fix my problems.

So off to work we go, and hopefully I can lose myself in my work.

Wishing everyone a gamble free day, and a continued progression on their recovery.

[I_Maverick]

Fritz’s and charlster’s posts are all on the front page. They are great examples of cgs getting a hang of their addictions and being honest. They have inspired me a lot. I am into day 4 now and yesterday was hard. Full of regret and emptiness.

I wish you all the best and stick around and keep posting. They tell me it will get better.

[I_Maverick]

Hi Waynes

Thanks for that. I was looking on the internet and I found this workbook.

http://problemgamblingprevention.org/workbooks/gear-workbook.pdf

It’s American but I think it is useful for me. I am sure that I have come across most of this before. I am going through another low mood now when I think of the devastation I have caused in the last few years, not just in my life but for my family.

I am trying deep breathing.

I think what you write about there being room in my mind to settle hits the spot. I can’t allow them to get a foothold. Today I started thinking about how to get access to money and I started thinking about those pre-load credit cards that you can’t get into debt on. I would have to save my allowance, put money on, then find a way to open a new account, and then transfer any ‘winnings’ to my bank, or take it out of cash machine, but it means when I lose the deposit I cannot continueto gamble and chase losses, which would result in me being very depressed and probably find some other way. So stopped the thinking there.

This is crazy – I cannot focus on my work as I am obsessed with the gambling. It’s all I talk and think about. Doing my head in.

Trying to refocus now.

[I_Maverick]

Thanks Harry. I no longer have access to any money of any kind. That is all over. My wife now has access to everything. I feel now I understand everything better, and part of me wants this to be the new process. To be kinder, more generous. To forget gambling exists.

[I_Maverick]

Another first class post Fritz (is that your name, or the name of your dog. I vaguely remember you saying).

You’ve moved on so far since you first posted, and I think for the first time I am recognising my faulty thinking. The next few days are crucial for me as I had a ‘win’ on the weekend. But as my wife says, how can it be a win when I lost so much – I am just slightly less down. That is the lie of the gambling addict.

I am spending the day today with my family, to enjoy the moments with them, and then I am going to enjoy doing some work and putting in place solid plans to go forwards. The pills are taking effect and although the things I was worried and anxious about haven’t gone away I feel stronger in dealing with them.

Have a great day, and 1 month is so awesome dude.

[Author]

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