[I_Maverick]

So Day 12 starts today. To be honest I had no urges yesterday and have had no urges today. I feel I have reached a small milestone – this is the longest I have gone without gambling since Christmas, and the longest of self imposed abstinence. But as is usual with me, too little way too late. I needed to be on this site this time last year BEFORE my big project started so I could be clear headed about that. I don’t know how I will ever forgive myself for the situation I have created here.

I had such a good thing going with my company, we have a 250K contract which had a good profit. Instead of being utterly focused on that, investing in develiping the business, I did the minimum, let the project drag on (this eating the profits) did no marketing and instead I played online poker and low stakes (couldn’t even win a lot of money) which ate all my time. I played at cafes, on the toilet, on buses using a dongle. I couldn’t stop playing that damn game – and I would always lose. Sure, sometimes the cards went my way, but then over a 3 month period I kept losing. I would lose with trips, 4 of a kind, full houses etc. I would always go all in with AA, and someone would call with Q9 and 999QQ would flop. WTF. I would hit a FH on the river, go all in but someone had hit 4 of a kind. The software was against me – I thought at the time it was a sign to stop playing, but I didn’t listen. Then slowly I started playing higher tables, bigger buy ins. I would win, and then lose it all and more.

I am a CG. Gambling has destroyed me. I can live with the money, that’s gone. I can never have the time back. I need to really look at my life and examine WHY I continued to gamble despite the damage it was doing. Looking back now the depression that started around July of last year was completely connected to the gambling. The constantly playing poker was making me very unhappy – and yet I couldn’t see it. I never stopped for a moment to think about going back to GA or even looking for a site such as this. As usual, I stopped when I got caught and then I collapsed into a mental pit. I have had 3 relapses since Feb, the last was 13 days ago. I almost lost EVERYTHING I have financially, but I think I destroyed something important in my soul.

My company now has huge debts (which could have been paid off out of the profit of this job, which instead has been sucked into paying salaries as the project went over), I have debts (which I could have paid off my the company paying me a bonus if only it hadn’t wasted the money), my wonderful wife has had enough, and I have been a mental wreck now ALL YEAR.

This has to change, step by step.

Step 1) I am powerless over gambling. It doesn’t matter the amounts. The sheer act of gambling eats my time, my head, my self respect. There is nothing to be gained. One day at a time I must not gamble. If I do it will be a disaster,

Step 2) Take a moral and financial inventory of myself, including my business. I need to get advice of how to deal with the mess I am in.

Step 3) Take this as a positive. I am very childish in my outlook, I am not very smart, I do not know who I am. All I know is that I am a liar, a cheat, lazy, not serious about life. I have let so many things drag, not taken them seriously. I look around and all my friends are doing well because they approach life with the seriousness it deserves. That doesn’t mean not having fun, but it means taking responsability seriously. I need to examine who I have become, and look at the steps I need to take to improve myself, as Fritz has been doing.

I will continue to work on these, but this is where I am.

[I_Maverick]

Well done mate, that’s really good. I am on day 11 today and I am sure I would gamble if I didn’t have strong blockers in place. I am in a very low place again today and really struggling to focus on the mess my life is in. The depression just won’t go away.

[I_Maverick]

Butch, so sorry to hear that. You need to hget your blockers back in place, Netnanny or K9. I know if I didn’t have them in place I would gamble just because I feel so low. today is day 11 for me, but I still feel like shit because of the damage I have done.

Get on the helpline, speak to someone, go to GA, give you finances to someone. I really hope youc an do this.

Take care

M

[I_Maverick]

Hi Smee

Let me just back up what P wrote. It’s gone, let it go before you lose everything else. I am into my day 11 now after gambling almost nonstop for 3 years. I have wrecked my life, my business, my marriage, my health, my sanity. I wish so much I could have stopped 3 years ago when I realised I had a problem. Like an idiot I still wanted to keep playing, I didn’t know what I know now. This is a progressive illness. There is no cure, only stopping. I am slowly having to come to terms with what I have lost – I will never win back not just the money, but the time I have spent, the missed opportunities. I am filled with a deep regret and personal loathing and I am on medication now for clinical depression. I have had the worst start to a year yet.

Let the money go, it doesn’t belong to you now. It belongs to the casino. They will always win. As CGs we can never keep our winnings – and when we lose we chase badly. My last 2 relapses were BJ. I was lucky i finished just above evens, but the rollercaoster made me more ill. I get a huge rush of blood to the head when I play. I start small, 50 buy in, and 3 hours later I am playing for 500 a hand. It’s evil.

I am in a low place at the moment, I would hate to see someone else end up there. Keep posting, go on the help line, get netnanny or gamblock, give your cards and finance to someone you trust, confide in them. STOP GAMBLING or it will get worse. It will eat up your enture humanity.

My thoughts and feelings to you, I hope you can do it now and move on stronger and wiser. No one wins at gambling except the house – cliche but its true.

Good luck my friend.

[I_Maverick]

Hi Liberty (nee The End), thanks for your lovely post. I am now in a sitiation where in the past I would have gambled. The iwfe has gone out with Valentin (our son) and I would take that as a cue to gamble to my hearts content. Instead, I am going to comtemplate myself and my future without gambling. I feel I am close to realising this is like being an alcoholic. The thought of gambling makes me realise what will happen. I will lose control eventually, deposit more and more, gamble larger and larger amounts to chase because I always lose at the start. It fills me with fear, and yet I really want to gamble as I know it will make all my worries go away. The adrenaline rush is what my addiction is craving – but I see it for what it is now.

I love your new name, as that is what gambling takes from us; our liberty. It traps us in an addictive cycle, but I am closer to seeing the truth of that. Although this is not the longest I have had away from gambling, it is the first time I have imposed it on myself in my desire to be a non-gambler again. I just want top stop thinking about it and the damage it has done. All my anxiety and depression is related ot gambling. Without gambling, I will be normal. If I gamble, I will continue to be sick.

Take care and speak soon

[I_Maverick]

Hi Wasteaway. I really feel for you, I’ve been there. I am only 10 days into being clean after gambling heavily for 3 years, and am close to losing everything. I too have a small son and my own business, which has really suffered. There are others on here who can help much better than I. You should try and get on the support groups this evening and speak with people, especially people like Charles who is lovely and has been in recovery a long time.

Can you find out where your nearest GA is? You need to speak with other compulsive gamblers, they will understand. GA can help you stop of you really want to. Even though I am 10 days in, I am having strong urges to find ways of gambling. I have put NetNanny on my computer, given all access to my finances to my wife, but still my addcited brain is tryng to think of ways around that.

You need to put blockers in place as quickly as possible. That was my mistake – I didn’t take my illness seriously enougha t the start. I heard all the horror stories of people losing everything but I was arrogant – that isn’t me, I said to myself. I am not a loser. And yet I am – and I did it anyway My last 2 gamboing sessions were horrific. I was draine dby thee nd and although I didn’t lose money I felt nothing winning it. I still think if I won a huge amount I would stop – but to do that means giving in to the devil, and I hate where it takes my head.

Think of your family, think of your future. You do not want you future to be like this. Gambling addiction kills – it has the highest suicide rate of all addictions. People lose everything, there is no rock bottom. You can keep going down. I am sick of it, and yet my brain still thinks of ways to gamble, which I have to deal with – my urges and triggers.

I hope you can get to GA soon and speak to someone on the helpline here.

Keep posting your thoughts, don’t bottle them up. If your mum doesn’t understand, then you need to speak with your wife or someone else. Gambling addiction does not get the attention it deserves, but it is a full on sickness which will leave you with nothing.

I hope you can find a way into recovery.

My love to you and yours.

Mav

[I_Maverick]

So I am still here, and I am feeling better. I am still struggling to focus on the work that needs to be done, but yesterday I picked up another 2 week course of my anti-depressents. Since stopping gambling 10 days ago after my last binge I do feel I understand what recovery is all about. I am sick of thinking about gambling. It’s all I think about, all I talk about. It has consumed me like nothing else, to the exclusion of EVERYTHING else including my family.

Gambling is the most evil, insidious addiction I have ever suffered. I have never known anything like it and I think the scars will last with me forever. But, and this is important, I think I see cause and effect. I am starting to realise that if I gamble, my levels of depression will return, I will lose self respect, I will lose trust again in those that love me and who I love. I may also win a huge amount of money, going on the levels I was gambling on my last 2 sessions.

What kind of a hold does gambling have over me. I can rationalise why not to do it, but I am getting all sorts of gambling thoughts. My wife pointed out that all I talk about is gambling, and that I am starting to spot bookies. I have noticed this and started thinking about FOBTs. I have started imagining what they are like to play – even though I never had an interest in them before, and I know how destructive they are and how addictive. Last night, after walking back from GA, I started imagining going to a casino – and I have never been someone who goes to casinos. My mind is playing tricks on me – I have to try and catch these thoughts before they balloon. Before I start imagining scenarios of how to make them come true. Yesterday I was daydreaming of going to a casino to play poker for about 20 mins before I caught myself. I imagined a whole scenario, how I would get money, where to go, what excuse to use. Then I noticed my heart beating faster and faster, my levels of adrenaline starting to increase. And then I caught it and was amazed. This is addiction, this is how the mind plays tricks.

I want to be someone that comes out of this alive, stronger, with wisdom and knowledge. I know it takes time, one day a time, and that I need to fill my days with constructive activites. The truth is I have not done any work on my bsuiness for the last 2 days – I just cannot concentrate, that seems so futile. It’s like I have given up on it. The addiction is still so strong in my mind.

I am pleased with 10 days though (it will be 10 this evening) and it was on day 11 that I relapsed last time. This time I am determined to move on, to get myself back together. I have to be ready for when my wife leaves for COlombia, I simply cannot afford to relapse. The though of doing that makes me depressed, so I must accept the thoughts for what they are. The remnants of a dying disease rtying to fool me.

Thanks to everyone who reads my posts, it means a lot. I write this for myself mainly, to get the thoughts out, so they can’t fester alone in my head. If I acknowledge my urges, my triggers, then I can cope with them.

I need to accept who I am, what I am – and only then can I move on. Get on. Get better.

5 Ga meetings this week so far in 10 days of rcovery. So on average of a GA every 2 days. Tomorrow it will be my 6th meeting. I am taking GA seriously in a way I should have done 3 years ago, if I had had the intelligence to see my addiction for what is was, and to undertand the conseuqnces. I think I underdstand better now what will happen if I relapse again – I will never get better. I can never have even 1 more bet, no matter how small.

Thanks

[I_Maverick]

Hey Charlster,

How you doing? No update for your yesterday for day 25. Are you ok? How are your plans coming on? I’m feeling better than I was this morning and treated myself and the family to a slap up lunch in Crytal Palace at a farmer’s market restaurant.

Hope all is well with you, and that you’ve been too busy to post.

All my thoughts.

[I_Maverick]

HOw are you doing BU? It’s been a few days. Hopefully a busy work schedule has kept your mind away from the devil that we shall not say.

Please let us know how you are doing. I hope you can forgiven yourself. When we slip, and we don’t have to, it is important it is only a lapse, and not a relapse. I am starting day 9 and am feeling slightly more clear headed. My life is still a mess, but I am making slow measures to fixing things and there are even some positives on the horizon for me to work towards.

I send you all my love and strength.

[I_Maverick]

So my last bet was in the evening of Match 15th. Today is the 24th. SO today is the start of day 9.

I’ve been reading an interesting debate on these pages about the counting of days. For me, at this early stage, I think it’s important to know I have gone this far without gambling. This is where I usually relapse, as I get cocky. But i feel different this time. I know if I gamble again it will be harder – more intensity, more money, followed by more depression, more self hatred, self loathing. I have no reason to gamble, no one does. It is supposed to be fun, so how it did it become all consuming? How did I let it take away my focus from my dream? Why did I continue to gamble, even though I was hating it when I did it. And the last 6 months I have not enjoyed it at all. It was frustrating, dispiriting and I always left a loser. And even when I finished up I left it in the account to lose and then redeposit later. And the lies – the having to keep a face, the time spent thinking about playing even when I wasn’t playing. The amounts of times I said, this is the last deposit. The last time I played. I would stop for a week or 2 and then feel better. But because no one knew, it was easy to say this time will be different.

I had so many chances to stop in the past, i have to realise this is a new one. there is only the present, right now. i need to make serious changes in my life and stopping gambling is the easiest. That is the root of my depression, I wish I had seen that before. But the results of my obsession to play are all around me. I am ruining the life of my wife, doing the family’s heads in, I have ruined trust and possibly ruined my future. That remains to be seen. There is so much I don’t know, that I need advice on.

My debt, my business, what happens to our IP, what will I do for a living? Will I be able to find a job I enjoy and which I can progress in, or will I have o do something more menial (and I don’t mean that in a bad way) just to earn money. Or will this be a new chapter in my life, something that I had to do to learn and grow as a human being. Something I will be able to look back on with acceptance, from a place of happiness, so I can process it properly.

At the moment all I do is think about my gambling. I know I will never have the big win to solve my financial worries, that’s gambling think.

I don’t think I realised how much energy i put into gambling, instead of putting my energy into other things. now I feel flat because it is clear. I have made a big mistake by not admitting my problem sooner. i am a compulsive gambler, and when i start i just can’t stop up or down. and now I notice bookies as i have no access online. i have started to think about casino’s and poker clubs. i think i have a self destructive edge which i need to work on. why don’t i want myself to be happy?
the only person not allowing me to be happy is myself – why?

what drove me to continue to find ways of playing poker, even though i knew i had a problem. and i did know. why didn’t i stay stopped when i had 3 weeks away from it while on holiday over christmas. why did it spiral really badly this year?

I hope to be able to answer these questions in time, but for now, living my life day by day and not gambling is the focus. in time i am sure i will think about it less and less.

any advice from people who have been quit for a long time would be welcome. i find these forums amazing, and as long as i stay here and read people’s success stories i know that can be true for me.

thanks

[I_Maverick]

Hi JOhn, glad to see you are back. While you were gone I had another relapse, but today is day 8 clean. My sense of depression is still huge as I try to figure out what to do with my life. I hope you are ok, it sounds as if you are. Going to Denmark to see you son must be very exciting.

Are you in a fit state to give any advice? I read on your first post that you had ruined businesses. I take it they were your own. My business is close to collapse due to my negligence, not taking money, and I am trying to find people to talk to. If you can’t, I understand.

I wish you all the best, and hope you stay gamble free and continue to rescue your life. YOu sound like a top bloke, and I really want you to succeed.

[I_Maverick]

I Just read this on one of the forums which are about advice. Ken L posted this, but he says they are not his that he was given them. I think I may try to adopt these rules on a day by day basis. They feel true.

7 Cardinal Rules in Life

1)Make peace with your past
so it won’t screw up the present

2) What others think of you
is none of your business

3) Time heals almost everything
give it time

4) Don’t compare your life to others
and don’t judge them
you have no idea what their journey is all about

5) Stop thinking too much
it’s alright to not know the answers
they will come to you when you least expect it

6) No one is in charge of your happiness
except you

7) Smile
you don’t own all the problems in the world

[I_Maverick]

Both great posts, and I see the value in each of them. I was really only trying to get my faulty thinking out into the open. The truth is that money can be earned, but mental health cannot. Trust and money are both the same. They take a long time to earn, but they can be lost in an instant.

Today is only day 8 for me, but I suppose because now I know I can’t gamble, it’s harder. I am reminded that I can’t gamble, and I am reminded of all the damage it has done me, and my family. I see myself as a loser, an addict, someone who put the false priority over real ones. I ignored by business as it was more ‘exciting’ the play low stakes poker. The fact that in an hour I couldn’t really win more than £10 didn’t come into my thinking – but I could lose much more by playing badly/ on tilt/ calling with shit cards. And then I would get depressed and chase.

No, I know that if I gamble again it will be more than money I lose. I might lose whatever dignity I have left, and that’s not much.

Vera and The End, thanks for posting. I will re-read them again. Of course now I want the big win to finish, but that is the addict talking. It’s a common misconception, another gambler’s fallacy. The truth is that wins are few and far between, and if you are gambling, you will never hold onto it. And the gambling companies know this.

Love to both of you and everyone else

M

[I_Maverick]

I don’t want anyone to take this the wrong way, but when I read of people having big wins it makes me really anxious. Why couldn’t I have the big win? Could I have walked away with it? That is where my head is at the moment – could I have a big win then stop? How much is big enough?

The truth is, that that is not the problem. The problem with gambling for me has been how much it eats my time when I gamble. How I think about when I can play again, how can I keep it secret, how can I play better etc etc. This is very faulty thinking and I need to remind myself I want a like without any gambling at all. Because if I did win big I wouldn’t want to stop, and if I lose, I will have to chase it back and will probably not succeed this time.

I feel very sad I never had the big wins that people talk about, but it is true that these big wins made people gamble more, so maybe I should be grateful?

Thanks

[I_Maverick]

Hi Vera

Thanks for checking in. Was trying to keep myself busy at the weekend. Today is the start of day 8. The time seems to go so slowly and I am so warcked with unpleasant feelings of myself of why I did it. This time last year I had everything – a big project, a young son. Everyone thought I had stopped gambling. The truth is I was still playing, low stakes poker. I wasn’t winning or losing much, but I was losing time. Slowly, the obsession returned and i was spending more time, chasing small lossing playing on bigger tables I didn’t have the skills for. And then I was getting to work late, having long lunches, leaving early. The project started to suffer in the sense that the person leading it was only half there. As a result we are still finishing the paperwork. Gambling made me so lazy with my life – all I wanted to do was play poker. I couldn’t see how unhappy it was making me.

I am running out of time. Stopping gambling isn’t enough, as they say in GA. I need to change my life in so many ways, I need to close so many doors for new ones to open.

My self esteem is still really low, 8 days is not a long time.

I can’t gamble at the moment as I have no access to funds or websites, and I do not want to. Mentally I can’t face it – I have to face up to the wreckage of my life. And start to fix it – but all I want to do is sleep.

I am very saddened to read of people’s lapses, and my heart goes out to you. I read a new post today who had won 28K at one point, and then lost it all and more It saddened me. I never won amounts like that, and part of me, the addicted part, says that shows it is possible. That if I won 28K I would stop – but how much would I have to lose to win that much. Can I afford that? How long would it take? HOw much more damage to myself would that do? The answers are all negative – gambling will not solve any of my problems.

Living my life will solve my problems, one day at a time.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (the past and what I have done)
The courage to change the things I can (my life going forwards and how I cope with adversity and the shit I have created)
And the wisdom to know the different.

Just for today, I will not gamble.

[Author]

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