[I_Maverick]

So I didn’t gamble all weekend. I had blockers in place everywhere. I spent time with my family and my friends. As long as I didn’t have to come into my office i was fine. This morning I felt very low. I think it is because I lost the script for my anti-depressents and now have to lose more time getting another one. It is also because I saw my family and friends who have never had problems like me.

I am struggling to deal with what I have done with my life. The depression is so low inside of me. The fact I have thrown my life up to this point away. My wife, my son, my business, my dreams. How do I recover from that? What price recovery if my dreams are shredded. This was meant to be my year, the year I made my first feature. I chucked that away too. There is something wrong inside of me. Deeply wrong.

It is strange. I managed to gamble on Thursday because netnanny didn’t work on one of the office computers. But this morning it was blocked properly. And wouldn’t connect. So that is blocked. But wasn’t on Thursday. What is that about?

Is some higher power testing me?

I will start my new blog soon.

Thanks

Mav

[I_Maverick]

Today is day 1 again. I lapsed yesterday. Lost £280 in 1.5 hours. One of the computers in my office wasn’t blocked properly. It was a test. And I failed. I am off to my parents now in Stoke to speak with them. My wife has had enough. I am now submitting to the disease. I am powerless. I am an addict. It is not possible to win at gambling. I was up but got greedy. It wasn’t enough. So I deposited more. Was up – got greedy – lost that.

Then I left the office. Oddly euphoric. I know I knew I was a compulsive gambler but I don’t want any more reminders. I have been asking my friends if they gamble and none of them do. Why do I? Why, when I saw the computer was not blocked, did I gamble? What did I think I would achieve. 2,3,400? 1,000? Insanity. Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

On a positive note I have been given a date for Gordon Moody House. My 2 week assessment period starts on May 11. So now I have a deadline in which to start putting my affairs in order and making preparations. I am a broken mad – spiritually, emotionally, financially. I have a lot of work to do.

I have a new sponsor in GA who is a CG but also a counsellor. He has been offering me support, which is wonderful. Everyone at GA has been wonderful.

I want recovery. I need recovery. I desire recovery. And 1 day at a time I will work towards it, to finding out who I really am. I am not a degenerate, addicted gambler, drug addict etc. I am actually a nice person who just happens to have low self esteem and self confidence issues.

I have also gone 24 hours without physically punishing myself. NO more hitting episodes.

I am going to start a new blog this weekend, detailing, for my own benefit, my gambling history. It will be long, probably a novella, but it is for my benefit. If anyone else wishes to read it, be my guest.

I am wishing everyone a wonderful Easter.

[I_Maverick]

Hi P,

I wish gambling was my problem. I think that JD is right, gambling is not really my problem. Gabling was a sympton of a deeper malaise linked to my low self esteem, self hatred. I am just worthless, and gambling was just another way of reinforcing that. Another way is to run my company into the ground instead of building up, just to prove I am more worthless. The self harming – just another way to show myself how worthless I am.

The truth is I think I have felt like this for my whole life, I just ignored it. I am undeserving. I just let people down, I cannot be trsuted, have no skills what-so-ever, and no futuyre. These are the thoughts running through my mind.

My head is ringing from hitting it so hard. I am upsetting all my family but I cannot seem to snap out of it, everything else seems so pointless. I simply don;t deserve the love that everone is showing.

I have no urges to gamble right now, but the only urges I get are self destrcutive – to hit myself, punish myself. I can’t stop it – it’s the only way I can feel something.

I think I am going to have to stay away from these blogs for a bit, I don’t think they are healthy for me, reasing about other people’s success. Gambling isn’t my problem, it’s a sympton of something else.

Lots of my love to everyone.

[I_Maverick]

Thank you Vera and Charlster. I am going to get advise on this next week after Easter. I found myself hitting myself again this morning, the sheer frustration at what I have done is overwhelming. I just cannot let go of the recent past as I am in the mess I have made. I have no distance.

Bankruptcy may be the best option, or so might topping myself. I am having the darkest thoughts possible as I mull things over. It doesn’t help that old friends are popping up who are all leading good fulfilling lives. I know life is not perfect, but my coping mechanisms are so screwed. All I know is that today I haven’t stopped thinking about gambling as a way of taking my mind off the mess my life is. I realise now that’s what I was doing last year. I keep having a go at myself for not stopping last year, but I was deeply unhappy in my life. I didn’t have the wherewithal to recognise my unhappiness, so I went ahead with my big project without tackling any of the underlying issues. And now that project is finished, having over run due to my laziness and gambling, I am now faced with what I have left.

I must stop living in the past, I know this. I need to make amends to myself moving forwards. I need to forgive myself. But how. I need to move forwards. I need to do things. But when it comes to the time to do them, I just feel empty. I want to give up.

Thanks for all your support here on the site, it means so much. I struggle to believe I have become this pathetic creature, this is not me.

[I_Maverick]

Hi EVeryone

Thanks for the wonderful comments. I haven’t yet had another episode of the self harming, though I have had urges brought on by the frustration I feel in myself. I actually think I have been ill for a long time in the way I see myself and the world. If I am honest, I have always felt strange, as if I don’t belong and I have punished myself for many things in various ways. I think my gambling was another manifestation of that. I don’t deserve good things so what can I do to hurt myself. These are issues I need to work through.

I look at my life now and I am starting to meet people I went to un with 20 years ago. They all have secure jobs, homes they own, career prospects. I feel I have nothing but devstation brought on by myself. Gambling was just my latest way of fucking myself over.

Had a great meeting in GA yesterday. Still have to work out what do do with my debts and the debts of the company. Still need to clear my head and find the strength to make positive steps. Still feel very lost – but will find the strength.

Am going to see my parents today, leaving partner and Valentin behind to give her a break. I will be back tomorrow.

Thank god I can’t gamble with my computer, becuase I am sure I would have done these last 17 days. And I am sure I would have done a lot of terrible damage.

I cannot be complacent. I got a text message from a poker company I had signed up with offfering me a free bonus. Deleted it. Felt nothing for it.

Lots of love to all, thank you for being here. Means so much

Mav

[I_Maverick]

Dear all,

Thank you for your comments, the mean a lot to know how much love is out there. I am now in the system of Mental Health due to my self harming and though I do not feel like it now, if I start to think to my recent past the urge to hit myself comes again. I am seeking help for this.

I just had a meeting with Janey at GMA and it was wonderful – thank you Janey.

I have a feeling things will start to get better now, but one day at a time. I am working on how o forgive myself, but not forget, of what I have done. I am hoping this will improve me as a human being.

Taking the day off work today to be with my son, who has just started walking. Amazing. He can walk the entire distance of the living room.

Off now to Richmond park.

All my love.

[I_Maverick]

I hear you Liberty. We are in the same boat, you and I. For the last 3 days I have suddenly taken to self harming, hitting myself in my head, scaring my wife and child and dog and my wider friends and family. I am so angry at myself for what I have done – how lazy and feckless I have been. How I did not have to be in this position, how every day spent feeling sorry for myself is another day I can bemoan. BUt I have to move forwards, somehow, I am not sure how. Just as I have to do this, so do you. And we can. Everyone says we can – it just seems so dark in the places where we are. I know where I am seems very dark, I have lost everything I wanted.

I won’t go into details here, but my inability to stop gambling last year, or even seek help before it was too late, is the reason of my depression. Maybe I would have been depressed anyway, but probably not. I know the gambling fed my depression and then the depression fed the gambling, tricking me into thinking I needed it somehow. Despite the time and money lost, the amount of times I said that was the last deposit, the last time I played on the toilet, the last time I played at work. But now, it got worse and worse and worse.

No more. I refuse o let this beat me. My family has been amazing, but still I cannot forgive myself. But I know I must. I must forgive but not forget. I am human. I am weak and full of frailty. But this can make me strong, as I increase the non gambling days.

I am looking forward to attending the clinic sometime this month, but do that I must put other affairs into order.

I know you can do it Liberty. I hope I see you on the group this evening.

All my love

Mav

[I_Maverick]

So today is day 15, and I am on an emotional rollercoaster. Last night I was watching YouTube videos of poker. I didn’t set out to, I was watching docs on compulsive gambling, but inevitably poker video came up and I went down a YouTube hole watching them. They didn’t do much for me but my wife was very upset. She feels they will set off urges in me. Does anyone have advice on this? I was actually quite intrigued as they were all of very odd hands in poker tournaments with famous poker players. I no longer want to play poker, but I think the urge to gamble is now deeper and more destructive than it was before.

I have started self harming now in my frustration, slapping and hitting myself. I know this is bad, but I don’t know what to do. I cannot shake the feeling that I am the world’s biggest loser and so pathetic.

I really want to move on from here.

[I_Maverick]

BU I know exactly what you mean. I knew shouldn’t have been gambling last year, I KNEW it in all of my heart – but that didn’t stop me saying “I’ll just have 30 mins” and before I knew it 5 hours had passed. That is what my gambling online was like. I know now that if I didn’t have blockers in place, such as NetNanny and also my wife holding my cards, I would have gambled to excape these horrible feelings.

I was just walking the dog and I had urges to gamble. I have no way of gambling, but then I saw a bookies and remembered I had no cash on me. SO the blockers are working.

I don’t want to gamble for fun or to ‘win’ money – I want destruction, it’s what I feel I deserve. I think that my depression and self harming at the moment is linked to this. If I can’t gamble I will have to find other ways of hurting myself – ruining my company, my finances, hurting my family, myself etc etc. Gambling became a form of self harm. I need move on – everyone says that. But I am so scared about the future and what it holds. That is the root of my stress. That and knowing I didn’t have to be in this position.

There is so much wisdom on this site, I wish I could have found it 3 years ago when my gambling was just starting. When they say it is progressive it is true. I know I am still going through withdrawel, that is why I am so depressed. My brain is not making enough dopanine when I do fun things as it was used to such a rush from gambling. And my last relapse was so intense in every sense of the word. The feeling of helplessness when I was 3.5K down, and the feeling of numbness when I was 1K up. I am glad I have not gambled since, but my god I want to, just to escape. I am truly addicted, I think about it all the time. I think about the pain and misery it has caused, the hurt, the way it stops you thinking of the future.

BU, ride out those urges. DO what i didn’t do – understand they are only urges and that if you take 5 mins to think them through, think about time lose and money lost and how bad you will feel if you gamble, you can ride them out. I wish I ad been able to do this 1 year ago, 6 months ago etc etc.

the only time is now, and now is the time I want to start rebuilding. BUt the effort required scares me, the amount of change I have to undergo. I am not very self aware, I just kind of exist. That is the scariest change of all, finding out who I really am. At the moment my list is:

lazy, egotistical, a know-all, liar, cheat, thief, uncaring, selfish, mean, self-centered, whining, arrogant, self-pitying, wallowing, living in the past, regretting, self-flagellating, irresponsible, pathetic and a lack of will to change.

NOt a good list,. The list I would like is: caring, trustworthy, active, responsible, adult, mature, thoughtful, aware of others needs, good with money, confident, self-love.

Stay strong, we are all in this together.

[I_Maverick]

I agree. I need to move forwards not backwards. Thanks Vera, that is one of the options I am looking at.

[I_Maverick]

Hi Butch

Well done on telling the family. It’s the hardest thing to do. It will leave you very low and ashamed. I still am. Today is day 15 without a gamble for me, but the hardest now is the wreck that my life is and how that has impacted on my wife and son. She works for my business and now we have no work due to gambling/ depression and a series of bad decisions I made last year – namely to gamble instead of doing the work and making good decisions. I am starting to remember all the time I spent gambling and it hurts me to the bone, how I was unable to think of the future. Even when I wasn’t gambling, I think I was thinking of it all the time.

The most frightening part of this is that I do not know how I will earn money in the future. How I will close the company down, bearing in my mind the debts I have allowed to build up both personally and business wise. This is the worst illness in the world as it steals so much from us, not just money. It is the self respect, self loathing, and time spent away from the family.

I am having new episodes of self harm brought on the sheer self hatred I feel. I have started hitting myself in the face and head butting walls. This is no normal. I cannot get out of my head the the waste of time. I can clearly remember the time I spent gambling last year and how many times I said it was the last time. I do not know why i didn’t seek help sooner – I knew I had a gambling problem.

I would be in a completely different place right now.

Stay strong BU, if you can do it we all can. I know I have to push through this one day at a time, and I have to let the past go and focus on the future, but thinking of the future is so difficult at the moment. I am consumed with self pity and regret.

Good luck

[I_Maverick]

So, I am collecting new regrets. I started a post on this site on 18 Feb – and 6 weeks later I am still feeling sorry for myself. And in that 6 weeks I have relapsed 4 times, each time worse than the last – and that has sent me off worse. I am in such a mental state – my head is such a mess. I just don’t know how I will cope with the mess I am have made of my life. I know I am not the only person to think like this, but why oh why did I not get help for my gambling when I first realised I had a problem in 2012. Granted I only just started gambling, so part of me did not think I had a problem, but Jesus – I knew it last year. how could I allow it it control me like this and ruin my life. I have to make something good come from this.

I cannot blame all of my problems on gambling, but I am sure if I had not been gambling i would have been thinking straight. I can remember when the gambling sped up a notch last year in July, that is when y decision making started getting very stupid.

There are so many things I could have done to have avoided the sitiation I find myself in – but I guess that is the CGs way. We will screw everything up. This is fascinating, how we destroy ourselves.

Anyway, I am going to start a new thread soon as I have hit 2 weeks now of not gambling. And It think it is the hardest 2 weeks of my life. I have gone longer than 2 weeks of not gamblin before, but in those times I knew I could gamble if I wanted. Also, I wasn’t staring the end of everything I hold dear.

I really just want to get to grips with my situation, more than anything.

If anyone has any advice on how to deal with the regret, that would be amazing. HOw to move on.

Love to all

[I_Maverick]

Adam, that is amazing mate. You have really stuck this one out, and to save 3K in a month is quite astounding;-) At this rate you’ll habe all your money back in no time as long as you stay away from the gamble.

Things aren’t great for me, suffering massive depression at the chaos I;ve causd, but you have cheered me up mate. Thanks for posting. You’ve quit at the right time and as long as you stay away you’ll be fine. But no complacency, that was my downfall the first few times I quit. It really sneaks back up on you, so watch out for the tote and lottery.

ALl the best mate and great post 😉

[I_Maverick]

Hi sailboc, what a wonderful post. You can do this with the right support. I have been battling with a gambling addiction for 3 years and it has ruined my life, pushed my wife and young son away, wrecked my business through not putting the time into it and now it looks like my business will fold. I have been diagnosed as clincially depressed and am now on anti-depressents. I am struggling to work and focus, all I do is think of the damage I have done myself and my family.

I would hate to see you end up where I am, which is a very dark place. This addiction will rob you of everything – money, self respect, family, future. I have been gamble free for 12 days today, which is not a long time. I am severely depressed, and struggle to see any light. My wife has been amazing, but she is exhausted.

I reccomend you to read THE EASY WAY TO STOP GAMBLING. This is all about how to quit not through willpower, but through reprogramming your brain to not need gambling. It is easy to find on Amazon, and I read it once a week. I still get urges, but they are not the biggest issue facing me. I know have the face the debris of my life, and how to pick up the pieces.

One day at a time is all it takes – you sound as if you have not lost everything yet which is wonderful. Within time your work will suffer, your home life, everything.

I hope to see you succeed and I send you all my love.

Mav

[I_Maverick]

Hey Fritz,

It’s been a few days since your last wonderful post. How are you doing, please let us know. You have been an inspiration to me over the last few weeks, and I would love to hear how you are doing. You sound like you have really sorted your head out.

All my love

Mav

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