[I_Maverick]

These feeling are normal Adam, but we usually gamble to make them go away. You are normal – it means sometimes we feel bad. But what we shouldn’t do is think that gambloing is an escape from these feelings. This is what I did – gamble when I felt bad, thinking that’s what I needed. Like a shot of heroin to a junkie – all it does is prolong the feelings. Now I try to understand the, knowing that people feel good, feel bad, feel up and down. I am looking forward to being normal again.

Have a great gamble free day mate.

[I_Maverick]

That is such a good feeling BU. You are doing well at the moment. Today is day 12 for me. If I hadn’t lasped today would have been day 30 and that would mean a new keyring in GA. Gutted by this, but can take heart from the fact that in the last 30 days I have only gambled 1.5 hours. I did lose 300 so that works out at £10 a day. If I save £10 a day that would be amazing, so now I decide that I have earned an extra £10 every day I do not gamble.

Have a great day, you are doing so well. Really proud, I hope your hubby and kids are too. You should share your success with them so you can all feel the positivity.

[I_Maverick]

Good morning everyone. I realised over this weekend that if I had not lasped back on April 2nd, today would be day 29 and tomorrrow Day 30. But what this does mean is that today in the last 29 days I will have gambled for only 1.5 hours. That is pretty good – infact, it makes me feel very good. So today is Day 11 of NO GAMBLING AT ALL.

I am on a higher does of pills now which makes me sleepy, but seems to be better for my mind. But nothing takes away the reality of what I have done. Gambled my life away. There is no quick fix, and I cannot sweep this under the carpet.

We have childcare today to Monica and I are both going into the office to continue the process of shutting everything down.

There are so many positive stories on here, such as Adam and Fritz and Charlster all getting into or close to 40 days.

Love to all

Mav

[I_Maverick]

It’s a hard fact to take sir. I am still trying to adjust that I screwed my source of income – my own business. I have no work, no clients. Why? Because time I should have spent building the business I was gambloing? Why? We had a massive contract that ended in Jan. Since Jan I have been a wreck. I have to live with that.

I wish you all the best. Go to GA and meet others. Get blockers – DO NOT USE CREDIT CARDS TO TRY AND WIN YOUR MONEY BACK, PLEASE!!! Let it go, do not do any more damage. You are a CG like the rest of us. I couldn’t accept it 3 years ago, I refused to even though to my wife it was clear I was. I pretended to give up but gambled in secret. Then get caught, then pretend again, then get caught. Pathetic. Now it;s over I am on day 8 – only when I lost everytghing (she is leaving me, my biz is dead etc etc) can I stop. I could fall further still in terms of credit cards, but I have devided this is where it stops. This is where I take a stand. I hope you can do the same.

I lost 30K over 3 years, but I lost much more than that. That’s less than a yearly income. MOney is not so important as love and trust and I blew that.

Find where your nearest GA is and go as many times as you can. I go 3 or 4 times a week.

My heart goes out to you mate

M

[I_Maverick]

Hi Angie

You are so right. It isn’t the money we lose, but ourselves. The sheer act of gambling steals our lives, because it becomes all consuming. We are playing intensely, more intensely than we work or do anything else. When we are up we are elated, but when we lose we are disconsolate. And regardless we gamble more – we lose our winnings and lose more trying to get it back. All for a short lived, evil buzz. I knew when I was gambling last year it was destroying my soul, and yet I couldn’t stop. I wasn’t working, projects were sliding, my contact with clients decreased, I wasn’t planning for the future. I am very sick – all I think about is gambling and the effects it has had on me. I cannot focus at all.

Thanks for your note. It means a lot.

Good luck.

mav

[I_Maverick]

A chap at my Gamblers Anonymous wrote this poem and read it last night. He gave me permission to re-print it. It is very raw and he uses it to remind himself of why he stopped gambling. I found it very moving and powerful and that is why I want to share.

*EDIT. The system here is formatting it different and losing all the verses. I can’t spearate them out which is frustrating. harry what is going on?

More Than A Slap
by Eddie C

I promise you riches and glory,
but only leave broken promises,
empty bank accounts and destroyed relationships.

It may be gradual or it may be quick
but I’ll make you my play thing,
my little puppet
as I jump you up and down till you’ve lost all in town.

I will try and trick you into thinking you are normal
and soon that I don’t exist,
and when that is so
you’ve let me free to take your dough.

I will be there when you’re frustrated,
angry at the slow pace of life
and promise you a quick fix
and if you go along with me, I’ll smash you up once again,
all the way till you can’t pretend.

I destroy families,
dreams,
jobs,
lives
at the spin of the wheel,
the turn of a card,
the roll of the dice,
the price on a horse,
the wagering on stocks,
endless ways to get you to gamble your monies,
and the more you use me the worse it gets.

I’m pushing bets to alleviate the burden,
I’m saying I’m plugging the gaps in your life’s jigsaw,
but the raw truth realised too late can saw through the bone,
as I’m selling lies and deceit and robbers on repeat.

I’m a drug that never ends well.
I will always be there to open a dialogue,
any time you feel despair,
if you’re impatient, needing a way out through jaded means, you’ll find me there.

I care how much you need that money, I really do,
the more you think you need it the more evil I think I’ll do.

First it starts as fun, then it turns sour,
after that I’m looking to entrap you
with that rare win that almost lasted longer than the time it takes to earn a real wage.

I’ll turn on you in a dime when the grapes stop making wine.
You can’t afford to go on holiday,
forget you pay me,
you can’t afford to action your dreams,
forget you pay me,
you’ll have to borrow when you’re supposed to be providing,
you need that money in your account to hide the loss,
forget you pay me!

I’m the devil incarnate,
I’m any thing you want me to be, but your friend.
I’m as clever as you, I’m you but the dark side of faith.

I’ll block out your shine and if you let me make you mine,
by feeding off your impatient time,
I’ll bleed you dry
till you’ll feel you can’t get by.

If any of this has happened to you
it doesn’t have to happen to you ever again.

GA is your antidote,
regular members have stayed off for decades,
never gambled again
the only really thing that keeps the illness in prison,
is making the most of GA,
attend it and work it regularly
knowing life is only one day at a time,
and for those working the programme can and do achieve such great things,
so no matter where you are,
keep strong and positive,
for if you miss your therapy
the joker in the pack will single you out,
for more than a slap.

[I_Maverick]

Geordie, that is an incredible post mate. I went to GA last night and discussed what recovery means, and recovery runs through your post like words in blackpool rock. There is a difference between abstenance and recovery. You are in recovery and readoing what you have written gives me hope. Gambling has robbed me of 3 years, but it has taken so much more – slef respect, self esteem, ambition, imagination, dreams of a future. It has reduced everything to a misery. I have to choose this as my rock bottom, beacuse there is always further to fall.

Thank you for posting, you are in my thoughts. I feel as if we are a weiord, dysfunctional family supporting each other.

Nice one.

mav

[I_Maverick]

Charlster, you are doing so well mate. I take strength from what you have managed to do, which is resist the urge, understand, cope with it, reason with it even. I went to GA yesterday and many people mentioned the GN. Like Cheltenham, a massive trigger for those that enjoyed the nags.

Well done, you are a inspiration. I hope you hear from GMA soon with a place. Call them if you have not heard anything yet. I have my 2 week assessment starting in 5 weeks, and I cannot wait though I have lots to do before I can attend, such as closing the office etc. It will be good to take a holiday from the company, espcially if I have put it to sleep calmy, with no suprises waiting. That means contacting all the creditors to let them now the score (maybe just that I have been decsribed as clinically depressed).

I kind of hope we are there together, but I know it will be good for me. i am going to take this opportunity with both hands, as gambling is a sympton of a deeper malaise. I know that now. I gambled to escape feelings, emotions, actions – I certainly didn’t gamble to win. I might have done at some point, but towards the end I gambled to destroy myself for one reason or another. That’s the only explanation for doing what I did which was irrational.

Keep safe mate, and keep posting.

[I_Maverick]

Hi Angie

That is a wonderful post and something that could have been written by me. I am currently overwhelmed by what I have to do to shut my beloved business down, but I know it must be done if I am to recover.

I wish you all the luck and love in the world, I know you can do it.

All my love

Mav

[I_Maverick]

Cheers Lee. I wish the same to you – funny you chose that name.

All the best

[I_Maverick]

Hi Jenny

Thanks for your post, it means a lot that people are out there. I am really struggling with the shame and the guilt. I had so many opportunities to stop last year and avoid the situation where I am. I didn’t hae to lose everything, but that seems to be my nature. I always hurt myself in one way or another as I have such low self esteem. I truly hate myself. Now I am not gambling it is even more clear to me what gambling has done to me. I never thought that something like gambling could be like this. Even now, I want to lose myself in it. To punish myself more.

I wish you a wonderful day.

best

Mav

[I_Maverick]

Hi maverick . Wow that is weird to write. Like I am writing I myself.

Thanks for the post. I am doing better today. Ready to tackle stuff head on. No more time to waste. Do you mind me asking if that is your actual name?

Take care and good luck

[I_Maverick]

I needed business advice last year and I had the money and never got it lol. I need to shut this place down so I can go to GMA. Thanks for the offer. Maybe when I start the next business. For now I need to fix myself.

It’s funny, but I can express myself in these forums in a way hat is almost impossible when I talk. That’s another problem of mine. I talk a lot but say very little.

Take care Happy, if you need anything from me just ask.

xx

[I_Maverick]

Hi Happy

Thanks for that. I know you can do it, as wel all can. I just need to face up to the facts of what gambling has done. But if it wasn’t gambling it would be something else. I have been using various addictions to paper overthe cracks in my life.

I do hope that I can get through this, because if I can’t it will kill me. Or I will kill me, and I don’t think I want that.

I have broken a lot of myself in this process, I never once last year sat down and thought “what happens if you keep gambling, where will it end”. This is where it ends.

I wish I was more self aware, smarter. I see on this posts lots of people giving up and working hard – I feel I have screwed myself doubly as I don’t have a job. I think if I had a job it might be easier.

You have always been really nice, I hope you can stop gambling one day at a time.

Thanks and love

Mav

[I_Maverick]

A big shout out to Harry, Happy, Liberty and Angie73 who I had the pleasure of sharing the support group with. My love to all of your, may we all beat this terrible disease, and move on with out lives.

I love you all and thank you for your love and time.

See you soon

Mav

[Author]

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