[I_Maverick]

Thanks for that. My next process is one of recovery on my own – my wife needs her time. I need to make sure I am there for my little boy. My focus, though, has to be me. Because without my recovery, nothing else works.

Every day I go a day without gambling is a good day – and that means everything I do is good.

yes I will have good days and bad days, but we all do. As long as gambling is behind me I can cope with that. When I gamble I cannot do anthing else – hence my marriage and business broke down as well as myself.

I see that now and I cling to that so that, one day at a time, I can recover and in time become a better man.

Good luck to you, and sorry to hear of your health problems. I hope you have a good day.

[I_Maverick]

Hi Gov

You are doing so well in admitting you have this problem. It sounds as if it is hard for you as you have so many members who are gamblers.

GA really works. The GA I go to is really close to a tube station, so if you are as close to London as say Romford, you would be able to get in and out within the hour from Liverpool Street.

None of us can quit gambling on our own. At our GA we have many female members. Obviously you have childcare to think about, but hopefully your partner can help with that. I am doing 4 meetings a week at the moment and I am now on day 15 and I am able to deal with the urges to gamble. When I think about gambling I picture the worst – and that puts me off. Or I think of all the times I have lost so much money and I ask myself if no would be any different? If I imagine myself winning, I then picture myself losing it. There is no wining for CGs. Any ‘winnings’ just become fuel and ammunition.

Does your partner know of your addiction. Ca you hand over all money to him, block your computer, get in touch with the National Problem Gambling Clinic in London and refer yourself. But in the meantime, find GA meetings to go to.

Please keep posting here, share your thoughts. There are many wise people here who, just using this site, have managed to stop their gambling because they can be honest. Write whatever you need to. yesterday i was suicidal – today I feel like a differet person. This morning I chose some Just For Todays and also said the serenity prayer.

My thought and prayers to you and your little boy. I have a little boy too and because of my gambling, lying, cheating, stealing my wife is leaving me. That means she is a single mum and I am responsible. I need to recover so I can be a good dad from now on. I want to live in the present, and move on from the past. As my sister said today as I met her in the hospital (she is very poorly). The past is another country – they do things different there.

Good luck

[I_Maverick]

One more thing Gov, you never talked about GA. I would reccomend you get yourself to as many GA meetings as possible. I go to 5 a week at the moment and I am going to start going to NA meetings as many years ago I had a heroin, cocaine, crack addiction, as well as taking way too many aci trips, excatasy pills and smoking too much marijuana. While I never sought help for these and stopped naturally, I alwasy wanted to go to NA – so now I will.

They say you should do 90 GA meetings in 90 days – that’s a lot but they help. WHere are you? If you are in London you would be welcome at our meetings – we have all kinds of people, young, old, men, women rich, poor, British and many from other countries such as Iran, Greece, Romania, USA, Germany and Ireland among many others – it’s amazing. They are very open and will weclome you with open arms. I have many numbers now of fellow memebrs and we text each other and speak to see how each are doing. I am finding GA is finally working for me, as I WANT it to work. I am LETTING it work with an open mind.

All my love to you and yours.

[I_Maverick]

Hi Gov,

Thanks for sharing. I’ve been reading your posts and wanted to reply, but couldn’t due to my mind not being right. I had a weak attempt at hurting myself yesterday, but last night went to a GA open meeting which included many friends and family of other members who were celebrating many years of a gamble free life. It was truly inspiring.

Your posted on my blog, so thank you for that. I have been gambling all my life on an off but only in the last years has it been a problem. My wife saw it was a problem with online poker straight away but I was too childish to see it – even though it was clear. And so it went on for 3 years until now – last year I managed to keep gambling for a year without getting caught. My moods depressed, I blamed it on other stuff. I had a big job on which I did just about complete, but I didn’t plan for the exit as I was gambling. Now the money has run out and we have no business. I have been a wreck since February. Today is day 15 gamble free since my last lapse and before that was 18 days. I am doing better than I ever have before. There are times I want to play poker but then I remember what it has don to me. I never won, I got frustrated at bad beats, crazy plays which pay off for people but never me. I go on tilt. I can never play poker again. I know that.

My life is in tatters now – I hope you do not let yours get this bad. There is a much better life without gambling – no more losses, no more wins to make you play more, no more worrying about where money will come from, no more lies.

It is going to take me the rest of my life to overcome this – I learned that yesterday. There was a guy who has been clean for 29 years – he still works on his gambling 1 day at a time.

Stay on this site, there are many people who will write on your blog.

Ban yourself, install a blocker such as K9, NetNanny or Gamblock, hand over control of your finances and work it one day ata time.

You are doing so well, much better than me in that you came here on your own. I waited until I got caught and lost everything. Now I have to rebuild, that’s my journey. The biggest aspect of that is my family – I have shattered so much trust. I do not trust myself.

Gambling brought me nothing but misery – the sneaking around, lying, planning on ow to get money, time and access to gamble. ATM they call it here.
Access
Time
Money

I have blocked all of those things.

I will follow your story with interest Gov.

[I_Maverick]

I agree. I am guilt of trying to achieve too much and then beating myself up about it. So today my plans are achievable, but if I do not complete them all, I know I can finish them on the weekend so they do not carry over to Monday.

Tomorrow I am going to the GA AGM and am quite excited. Am driving 2 people from my chapters down as well, which should be interesting. Going to keep gambling chat to a minimum – not interested in that. Am interested in finding out who they are, as much as you can on a 2 hour car journey.

Hope everyone has a great gamble free day

M

[I_Maverick]

You have done so awesomely well Charlster. Your entire attitude has been without fault. You have attacked your problem with maturity, understanding and most of all intelligence.

Well done from me. You are an inspiration. Thank you for all your posts, they mean the world to me.

Have a great gamble free day.

[I_Maverick]

Thanks Charlster. I feel much better today, and will take it one day at a time. I took a huge leap yesterday with regards the business and found a company that are giving me free advice.

Just for today… I wil not gamble
Just for today… I will be happy
Just for today… I will have a programme. I may not follow it exactly, but I will have it.
Just for today… I will not gamble.

They are the 4 Just For Todays I will do today.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I CANNOT change, Courage to change the things I CAN and WISDOM to KNOW the difference.

Peace and love

[I_Maverick]

Just got back from GA which was an open meeting celebrating many members abstinance of over 1 year. There were eople with 1, 2, 3, 5, 8 and 10 years gamble free, still going to GA. Added to that were friendly and families of members. There were 60 people in the room. It was amazing, supportive, full of love. I needed it so badly after the day I had today – all of my own making.

I had a chat with a member who has been free from gambling for 4 years and we discussed what is going on with me. I am looking to the past, instead of looking at the now and the future (which I know). He used the metaphor of a rearview mirror. The little note at the bottom “Things appear closer in the mirror than they really are”. He suggested that I see my past in a rear view mirror. They are not as close as I think – and as I drive forwards, they will get smaller and smaller. It is important than I can still see them, to remind me what could happen if I gamble. What is behind me will suddenly be inforont of me – but in time they will recede to a distant memory. I don’t need the rear view mirror that much, just the occiasonal glace – but at the moment i am looking at it all the time, and it means i can’t see where I am going.

I am a visual person and this resonated with me.

I feel in a much better place now. I feel more secure in what I have to do. I accept what has happened, that actually there was no way of avoiding what happened. I am grateful the damage isn’t greater, as it could have been if I had used company funds to gamble with – which I didn’t.

i am still alive, I have a beautiful son, a wonderful family and great freinds. Everything else is fluff.

There are amazing people on his site, generous people who take the time to read my posts, which means a lot. I was lucky tonight that I was invited to give my therapy, which I needed. Amazingly many members thanked me for it, an d I met new and wonderful people tonight. I am grateful and thankful to them all.

One of our members is a butcher and I bought some homemade fresh sausages and 2 free range steaks from his butchers, in posh Hamstead Heath. Gonna cook a smack-up sunday lunch with maches potates, fresh veg and homemade cake for desert on Sunday to treat the family.

I’m gonna try and start living again, one day at a time. Things are not as bad as they seem – I am catastrophising, and I bored of it.

Thank you, have a wonderful evening, and I hope to see you all soon.

All my love, thanks and gratitude

M

[I_Maverick]

So I spoke to a company today about my business and they are giving me free advice as to where I stand. I really need to get this focused. I have so much to do and time is running out.

I have to really accept what I have done. I am having all NEW thoughts about last year and how I could have done things differently. I still don’t understand why i didn’t stop gambling as I knew it was going to be an issue later if I didn’t – I’m an addict and I guess I wanted it all. The big contract, the family, the success AND the gambling. The gambling won and ruined everything else. As I think back I am gobsmacked by how much I played. It wasn’t even as if I was playing for a lot of money, but the desire to keep playing that game was so overwhelming.

had strong urges to gamble today but I can’t for so many reasons – not just no access to money and online as it is blocked, but I know it would be so bad.

I need coping strategies to deal with my evil thoughts – my mind is my biggest enemy at the moment. All I can think about is what I have lost – not money, but the way I see it the future.

As I was looking for business advcie I kept finding websites to companies offering business advice with money from the givernemt on marketing, finding leads, building the busiess. All that time is lost – everything I have worked to is lost.

I have upset my wife so much today with my actions. I tried to kill myself earlier – a weak attempt, but an attempt. She had to slap me out of it. O spoke with my psychiatrist and tomorrow I am seeing my psychotherapist. I Really don’t know what is going on with me. Is it the gambling withdrawel – this happened to me around the same time last time I quit – around day 14. Did I gamble that much that I am suffering serious withdrawel? I feel like I am waking up from a bad dream and what I see is carnage. Carnage caused directly by gambling and depression.

I realise my posts are not the most upbeat, but I have to get my thoughts out before they kill me.

Of the 5 tasks I set myself I achieved 1.5. I achieved a little bit more tomorrow and intend to smash them tomorrow.

I am going to froce myself to start excercising once a day to begin with and then twice a day. People say that it will clear my head – I have to see if that is true. I also need to start eating – haven;t eaten now for 2 days apart from glasses of milk and a chunck of cheese. That must also play a part in my moods – if I don’t eat properly then how will I get better.

I am going to try and get everything done in the next 2 weeks so I can take a full week off before going to GMA.

If anyone out there had a massive loss (not financial) caused by gambling (divorce, lost business etc) and got trhough that and you have any guidance from your point of view I would love to hear it.

Tonight I am going back to GA – it is an open meeting celebrating lots of recovery so I am going to take heart from that. Gambling is the tip of the iceberg for me but I am sure if I can stay away from gambling my mind must clear up. I guess I will always regret what I did but I cannot let it define me. I must try and be defined now by recovery in all its forms.

All my love

[I_Maverick]

Bad day. Couldn’t sleep just thinking about how I have ruined my life. Felt better yesterday but didn’t get anything done. Today I have tried to hurt myself again. Having suicidal thoughts. Spoken to MayTree Suicide retreat. Spoken to Samaritans. WHy did I do this? Has anyone else out there managed to get through this deep depression. This is more than the gambling. IN the last 32 days I have only gambled 1.5 hours but I am in a total shitstorm of my own making. If there is any advice out there of people who lost everything and rebuilt I need to hear it.

I love everyone out there but am very scared of what I might do.

[I_Maverick]

Hey Angie

It’s been a few days since your last post. How are you doing? Have you had any joy with GA or with banning and self excluding? I hope you have managed to get some gamble free time as that always helps.

Let us know, we are here for you

Mav

[I_Maverick]

Hi Tony

I am only 13 days into my latest batch of abstinance and I am in a personal hell of my own making at the moment. What is working for me is wife has access to all funds (cards, PayPal, online banking etc) and I have netnanny on my computers to block all access to gambling sites. I have never been a bookies or casino person.

I also attend GA 4 times a week. That helps a lot, there are great people there who understand. My issues at the moment are the terrible state of my own business which I have to close, as all the time I should have been looking for new clients I was gambling and now we have no work on. My wife is also leaving me after 3 years of being a CG and we have a small son a bit younger than yours.

Put blockers in place, don’t handle cash, self exclude from as many places as you can and go to GA. Say tro your self every morning “Just for today I will not gamble”. Say it “just for this hour” or “just for this 10 mins” whatever you need.

I had a lasp 13 days ago and before that I managed 18 days, so in the last 31 days I have gambled 1.5 hours but I lost a chunk of change in that time. I simply cannot bear to gamble anymore – it breaks my head, breaks my spirit and sucks me dry. I have so little self esteem and self worth left – I need to replenish them all.

Keep posting, join the groups when they are on, go to GA.

I am sure others will have words to say – be strong and think of your little one. I wish I had done that more.

All my love
Mav

[I_Maverick]

Thank you all for your posts. The annoying thing is that I know what I have to do, I am just running away from it. I can’t face the music, which is that I have ruined my life and my wife’s life. That is such a heavy burden. I am glad I am not gambling, but that just means I see it all really clearly now, what I should/could/might have done if only I hadn’t been preoccupied with gambling. I remember while I was gambling saying to myself ” stop this, or you will truly —- it all up” but somehow I managed to ignore that voice. That just led to the depression and avoiding reality increase. I realise now I haven’t enjoyed playing online poker for years, it was just an addiction which I was unable to control. It controlled me, dominated me. I accept now I am a compulsive gambler. I don’t gamble for fun, or pleasure, or to win. I have no control when I start and even now memories of the gambling dominate my mind.

I think it is time to let it go.

Tomorrow I am going to do 5 things:
1) Make my wife redundant
2) Contact HMRC re our debt and find out how we can put them on hold while I go into treatment so that if I want to restart the company when I come out I can
3) Pay some more bills and contact my accountants to let them know the score (and also discuss my debt with them)
4) Complete the budget breakdown for the client
5) See my psychiatrist at 1pm to discuss my mood swings, suidal thoughts and my medication

If I achieve these 5 things I will have had a great day. There is no reason why I can’t.

Thank you for your support, it means so much that there are people out there who, even though you do not know me, you care. I dream of the day that this lifts, I am earning and have my dreams back. I have about 30 years of working life left if I retire at 72. Then I want at least 15 years retirement and die at 87. I’ll be satisfied with that. To do that I must start excersicing and quit smoking. I am going to try and do both tomorrow. I have quit smoking before so I know what it entails.

I need to focus my mind and when the negative thoughts intrude, deal with them. Accept them. Accept they are not me, they are ghosts, they are not the truth. I am worthwhile, I have value, I can contribute and more importantly, since this has not killed me, it can only – in time – make me stronger.

Love to all, I hope to hug and kiss you all in person one day.

[I_Maverick]

Really struggling today. The depression is like a terrible black cloud hanging over me as my time ticks away and I cannot do anything. This is awful, I have never felt like this in my life. I have never been so incapable. I normally bounce back from things, but this seems terminal to me. I just don’t see how I can do it.

I am sorry for such a down post, but I just need to write down how I am feeling. It all feels so hopeless.

[I_Maverick]

Haven’t heard from you for a while JD, how are you doing? You are on day 39 now I hope. I had a lapse back on the 2nd April, so now I am on day 12 again. I hate this going back – but the depression is worse than ever. I just cannot focus on what I need to do – this has been going on for too long.

Let us know how you are mate, hope all is good.
best

Mav

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