[I_Maverick]

Hi Charlester,

Good luck with the interview tomorrow. I hope you reconsider about posting on here, you have done so very well. Slips are to be expected when we have this illness.

Best of luck Charlster, there isn’t much I can say except good luck and all my love.

[I_Maverick]

Hey Smee

Not heard from you for a while. How are you doing and getting on? Let us know, there are people here who care.

Hope all is well

Mav

[I_Maverick]

Hi Butch, Vera, Happy and everyone else who took the time to read my post and reply to me offering their thoughts. I take something from all of them.

Today is day 19. That is a new record for me. Some people say you shouldn’t count the days, but I think it is important for me to do so. I need to know that I didn’t gamble, which proves I do not need it. I am so fearful of my future, but I have so much to do before I can go to Gordon Moody House. There is so much I need to do. Every morning I wake up and think “what have I done?” Why did I do it? It seems all I want to do is hurt myself. The gambling, the drugs, the stupid decisions. All of these have hurt my life. I haven’t been really happy for so long I do not know what it means. I accept I will be a CG forever. I found myself imagining having a bet, and all I saw was depression returning and more devastation. I don’t want that.

Right now I am completing a spread sheet of all the company debts, assets etc. I found a company who are helping us to do the right thing. I need to make Monica redundant, I need to close this down with the minimum of fuss and maximum effect.

I still struggle to understand why I was not on this site last year when I was caught by my wife in January 2014 before the big project started. Why didn’t I go back to GA? I knew I had a problem, why didn’t I want to sort it sooner? Because I wanted to have my cake and eat it. I wanted to be the big shot, succesful producer AND gambler. Even though I knew, just KNEW, that gambling would get out of control again. And when it did, I still did nothing, just hated myself more.

I suppose I knew this moment was coming.

I had an ok day yesterday, but I notice that the longer I am off gambling the more my thoughts are focused on my mistakes. I know I am human, but why did I have to be such a fool?

I do hope that I can turn this around. It is not enough just to not gamble – I have to take responsibility for what I have done, and I have to accept the consequences.

I never want to gamble again, I want a new life – and I know that that will only happen one day at a time. Maybe this is all positive, that this HAD to happen as I was unhappy anyway – the gambling only made that worse. Maybe, just maybe, the gambling has done me a favour and is making me look at my life, instead of papering over cracks.

Roll on Day 19

[I_Maverick]

Charlester, You’ve done so well so far, which is great. You’ve been dead honest, which is awesome. you are an inspiration still, but you’re human. Great news about the job interviews, I hope they go well.

Like all of us you have a disease, and if it was as easy as just stopping there would be no need for GT, GM House, GA etc etc.

I am sure you have learned a HUGE amount through the last 51 days or so, which means that you can do 100 or more next time. I’ve noticed you never come to the group forums, I find they help me a lot. Do you do GA? There must be one near you. GA is wonderful, and it works if you want it to work.

For me I am only on Day 18 and tomorrow is 19 – and I have never managed 19 days without a bet before except when on holiday in countries where online gambling is difficult.

Stay posting, keep us informed of how you are doing. I am really proud of you, and for me you an still inspiring. I cannot imagine what it is like to deal with this addiction for 30 years of your life. The last 3 years have been hell, I want done with it.

Have a great night, see you soon back on the forums.

Onwards and upwards.

[I_Maverick]

Hi Mark,

I just found your post. I am about to start my 2 week assessment at GH. I too have lost everything – wife, business, in debt, huge depression. Can’t stop thinking about what I could have had if I hadn’t gambled the last 3 years.

I am looking forward to going to Gordon House and gaining new skills. I feel as if I need a new start. It sounds as if you have come a long way.

Your post was a long time ago, so I hope you are still doing well. Please let us know.

Thanks

Mav

[I_Maverick]

Great to hear you are doing well. I am struggling but I will get there.

[I_Maverick]

Thanks BU. Really struggling with denial at the moment of what I have done. I am so dissappointed in myelf, that I have been so foolish. That I could have avoided all of this by seeking help last year when I was caught again by my wife. That I thought I was cured after not gambling for a few weeks, and starting again with ‘free’ bonus money in my account and then keeping it secret. Not realising that the depression I was suffering was caused and made worse by my continued secret gambling. I now accept I have a real problem with gambling which has truly destroyed my life. I am sure in time things will get better but I am in such a world of hurt at the moment, mainly because I don’t have a job.

I am so upset what I have done to my family. I tried using images of my son not to gamble, but I always retreated back to gambling. I understand things have to get worse for me before they get better and that frightens me a I no longer have any addictions to run to. I am going to try and face everything head on, for better or for worse.

This addiction really does destroy lives. If only I could have accepted it 3 years ago when I first went to GA but I didn’t accept I had a problem. I remember my 40th brithday in 2012 and I had been gambling for less than a year. I was on anti-depressents, pretending to everyone I had quit – but still gambled. I am a total slave to my addictions as I use them to escape all my bad feelings.

I wonder what the future holds.

All my love

[I_Maverick]

You need to block yourself. That’s what I have done. Block all access to funds.

You have done so well to accept you have a problem – do not let it go on any further as it will slowly eat you out from the inside. That’s what is has done to me. I have lost my business, wife, family, self respect etc.

I am now 18 days gamble free, but my thoughts are consumed by the damage I have caused. I am so far from accepting what I have done and the fact I have ruined my life up to this point.

I am hoping this is the moment I can change for the better and start building a new life, one day at a time.

Keep strong, stay posting. We are all here to support you.

[I_Maverick]

Hi Gov

Thanks for that. I am going to read that. I am sorry to hear about your debt. I am lucky I didn’t create that sort of debt, but like all of us I think my problems are emotional and to do with myself. There are times I think I will be ok, and other times all I can see if what I did and the mess I am in. I need to focus and realise this will take a lifetime to sort out.

Have a great day and remember what you say – you win when you don’t bet!

[I_Maverick]

Things are not getting easier in my mind. I didn’t sleep well again, the thoughts of how stupid I have been running through my mind. How if I had stopped this time last year and focused on my family AND business, I would be in a different place right now. The amount of times I gambled last year. The problem with poker is that it can take sup so much of your time – you can spend hours at a table – so even play low stakes you can’t lose much money, but it rots your brain. I played so much, for days and nights at a time, on the toilet, in cafes, on trains, on buses, in the park. Whenever I could. All I could think about when I wasn’t playing was playing again. If I was down, I had to win it back. If I was up I wanted to win more.

Despite the fact I had my own business, playing that stupid game over-rode everything else. I was and still am truly addicted. I know if I played again I would soon slip into old patterns, but probably play higher tables. I know I can never play again.

I am with my son at the breakfast table this morning, trying to focus on him. My wife is running around being amazing. I will miss them both when they are gone. I feel very dislocated – I cannot believe what I have done.

I suffer from lack of honesty, low self-esteem, low self worth. I have always felt I am not worth it, and I think gambling has reinforced that notion in me. 3 years ago I knew I had a problem but I didn’t take it seriously. I pretended to quit but continued playing sneakily. I kept getting caught as it kept making me depressed. I then became a better liar. I kept that up all year – it was clear to see something was not right in my but I blamed it on the fact that my wife and mum don’t get on, problems at work etc etc. It was ALL the gambling affecting me. I blamed my moods on EVERYTHING apart from gambling. I remember being really worried about everything – because I couldn’t think straight – because I was gambling so much.

Just for today, I will not try and fix my whole life’s problems at once. I ca do something for 12 hours that would appal me if I felt I had to keep it up for a lifetime.
Just for today I will be happy. This assumed to be true what Abraham Lincoln said that “most folks as are happy as they make up their minds to be”
Just for today I will have a programme. I may not follow it exactly, but I will have it.
Just for today I will not gamble.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference.

I cannot change the fact that I am a compulsive, addicted gambler. I cannot change the fact that over the last 3 years I have sacrificed by family, career and health to play a stupid game which resulted in my suffering terrible depression, monetary losses and, more importantly, the loss of my family.
I cannot change the fact that last year, when I could have quit for good and go help, I didn’t.
I can change the future from one of bleakness by one of hope by focusing on what I can do each day. Today I can have a good day by achieving what is on my list – helping my wife close down the busiess and make sure she gets her money.

I love everyone here very much. Once I get to the end of today I will reach a new point in being gamble free. I lasted 18 days last time – now, I want to go for the rest of my life but abstinance is not enough. Not gambling is not enough – I have so much work to do on myself. I can slowly over time rebuild myself.

Where do I want to be in 3 months, 6 months, 9 months, 12 months, 2 years, 3 years. I have never planned before. But what I know is that I do not want my current life to continue, I want to make changes. And they are made slowly over time, not over night. There are no montage scenes in life as in the movies, we have to do everything the long way.

I hope everyone is good, and I look forward to reading other people’s positive updates.

All my love

Mav

[I_Maverick]

That sounds great Gov. You are doing so well. Stick at it. I had a bad night full of thoughts of the devastation I have caused my wife, child, family, business and myself. I have nothing left except ruins – and I struggle to see a future. All I know is that, god willing and one day at a time, I will never gamble again. But more importantly I want recovery – to fix my character defects, to improve as a person, to regain self respect and self worth.

I love reading your posts Gov, keep at it. Have a great day at work.

[I_Maverick]

LOL Vera, you have such a good memory. I cooked he steak today for the family (with mash potatoes, vegetables, homemade gravy) the sausages we ate for breakfast yesterday. Lovely.

Thanks for asking.

Been having strong urges to play, thank god I can’t. But they pass.

Love

[I_Maverick]

So today is day 17 gamble free and tomorrow will be day 18 – which is the same number of days I managed before my last little lapse. I cannot imagine gambling tomorrow. Apart from no online access and no money, I do not have access to my online banking, cards, PayPal or anything. So it would need a freak series of events for me to gamble.

On the other hand, my moods are still very low. Yesterday I drove down to Portsmouth for the AGM where the motion to remove God from all the Steps and the Orange Book was defeated. The gentlemen who put the proposal forward mad a spirited case, and made some good points as well, but ultimately they votes for what, for those who stay, works.

I met several nice guys. The demographic was very white, working class of ages between 40-70. There were a few women and a few black and Asian people, but mainly white. It found it quite interesting, friendly and full of good recovery, which is what I wanted.

Today I have been low again, lots of thoughts of what I have done. I know the past is the past, but the past for me is the present. The sitiation I am in right now is due to what I did in the last 6 months. I have to live with that, and work each day to move forwards into a new, better future. I don’t know what the future holds. I have very little money and just 1 more paycheck before I enter rehab. I have no work lined up and cannot think about what work I will do. There was however someone at a meeting a few weeks ago who is a CG and who runs a recruitment consultancy who said they would give me advice.

I have work to do now which, if I don;t do it, will make me feel bad and regretful.

Love to all

Mav

[I_Maverick]

Hey Gov

Hope you have got over you hangover – day 7 now how are you feeling?

Never forget that everyday you won’t gamble, you’re a winner!

[I_Maverick]

Great to see you back old boy. Fantastic post, full of positivity. Like you I actually feel like I am climbing out of the pit – have just started infact. I am actually coming to terms with what I have done and the ramifications. I am glad of what happened, as it is leading me to a better place. A better me. One without all my faults. I was mseed up prior to falling ill with gambling, whether it was alcohol, drugs or other forms of self medication. The gambling is merely the latest, but the one which might actually cure me – oddly.

I am so pleased to hear such positive words from you, and I am heartened by your post. If you can can it we all can. It just takes courage to act.

Awesome about your son and hopefully your relationship will heal.

Stay around JohnNObody (love that name) and keep up informed of your progress – it is good for all our souls to share in our recoveries.

Love ya!

[Author]

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