[I_Maverick]

SO I woke up with familiar negative thoughts about what I had done. MOnica is upset this morning about the state of her life – she is expressing her regerts to me, many of them because she has had to deal with an addict. We hold so many other people’s lives back. I cannot change the past, but with my actions today I can affect the future. This is a new way of thinking for me. If I have a good day today, tomorrow can be a little but better.

My son is playing with his toys, talking to himself. I have missed the first 1.6 years of his life by being distracted with gamnbling, fighting, being stressed and being stuck in my head. I am not missing any more.

Just for today I will not gamble, and I wish everyone on here a wonderful, productive day.

[I_Maverick]

Charlster

Great, honest post. I was at GA last night talking to people about recovery. SOmeone described recovery to me as a chronic state of relapse. I said to him that sounded negative and he explained that when someone who has a chronic gambling addiction makes the effort to stop, it is diffocult to stop all at once. People goes 2,3 maybe weeks, then gamble. Then hate themslves, but they gain knowledge of that. Their feelings, why they did it. Then they go longer and might, at some point, lapse again. There is more self knowledge now, and there are longer periods of absintance. Then there is another stopping – eventually the gaps get longer, we gain more knowlege, our brains return to normal.

I am dealing with lots of conflicting emotions but now my wife is starting to feel things – pain, fear for her future our son. I have created a very negative situation in our lives because I couldn’t do something as simple as stopping gambling and getting my life in order to support her. My gambling ahs been papering over many cracks in my psyche I didn’t want to deal with. Now I know I want to deal with them, despite the pain. I am desperate for recovery and all that entails. I am only on day 22, but taking into account my last maps this would be day 40. I take great heart from that. Normally I pretend I have stopped gambling but I get better at gambling even more secretly – that plays havoc on my mental state. This time it’s true. I can’t say I will never gamble again but I know that today I will not gamble. That means I can focus on getting so much stuff done. I am not sure I have the time to do it, but I just need to make every day count.

I can’t imagine what it is like to have lived with this for as long as you have. I have only been a CG for 3 years but I have damaged myself and my life for so long. If I stop now I have a chance of being in a much better place in 6 months, 1 year and onwards. I don’t want my son to grow up knowing his dad is a gambler and all that entails. I am learning from the experience of longer term gamblers on this site and how it affected their relationships and it makes my heart weep in sadness.

I am so happy you have stayed because this last lapse of yours will give you more tools. The fact you talk about it here, express it, get feedback. That’s probably new for you. You’ll go to GA when you’re ready and you’ll wish you had gone sooner.

Something I hear a lot at the moment. You are where you are meant to be. You have support here, people who love you though they don’t know you. People who genuinely want you to get better and lead a life without gambling. A life without the urge to gamble, or need to gamble, without that level of guilt, shame – the thought how how to get money just to live.

I am ready to put this behind me because I see how much lower I could fall. I am nowhere near the actual rock bottom of my life, but I have hit several personal rock bottoms, sometimes one after another.

Stick around, you have my love and support old bean. And don’t forget about GMA if all else fails.

Have a great day. Just for today… I will not gamble.

[I_Maverick]

Adam, in the GA book there is a section called JUST FOR TODAY. I am not sure if you go to GA or not, so I will paraphrase.

Just for today I will not try and fix my whole life problem at once. I could do something for 12 hours that would appal me if I felt I had to keep it up a lifetime.

Just for today I will be happy. This assumed to be true what Abraham Lincoln said that most people are as happy as they make up their minds to be.

Just for today I will not gamble.

There are others but the first is the one. If you start to get impatient you might get the urge to gamble again, just make a bit of quick money. You are doing so well mate (even for a Liverppol fan) and you post such clear, honest posts. I love it when you post and I do dread the day to read when one of my very dear friends on here slips, and I pray people pick themselves back up quickly. The money will mount up – be patient.

Mate, I am 42 and have nothing. I have to live on an overdraft for the next 3 months – I can’t work as I am going to GMA. My business is gone, my wife is leaving etc etc etc. But wierdly I am happy. I can accept these things because they are what they are. I did this. I have had so much self pity for so long I have run out and something seems to have clicked in me. I am moving into the honeymoon period. I must be careful.

Have a great night mate, and keep up the good work. I really look up to you.

Mav

[I_Maverick]

Sounds really positive Charlster. Well done on the job interview – you’ve still got it mate. I’m sure you’ll get the job, and if you don’t you got close and that means you can get close to the next one.

You seem to be in a much better place now, which is awesome. We will all have set backs – today I am in the office with my wife packing stuff up, backing stuff up. I have so many memories of this place, but it is the end of a chapter. It was also 3 weeks ago in here that I last gambled. My urges are lessening, but I will always be on my guard. I do get thoughts sometimes of finding a way to play live poker at a casino, but it would be such a mistake to do that right now. So just for today I will not gamble. Have you found a local GA you can go to?

I’m so glad you’ve come back.

Stick around, use this place as much as you need. I am often on the help line when things get though – this is an amazing site, truly. Join us on the chat in the support groups sometimes and meet everyone.

take care and good luck at the doctors.

Will the help of my higher power this is a new phase in my life. It is not going to be easy, but then nothing worth doing is.

[I_Maverick]

Welcome Liam. I too am starting at GMA soon. My gambling has reduced my life to nothing. At the moment I am in my office packing away everything to be put into storage. I have lose my wife, my son, my dignity, my self-respect, my business etc etc. I could go on. Last week I tried to kill myself because of the mess that my life is in. I have been going to GA 5 times or more a week and I post here almost daily.

I am now 21 days free from gambling and I am starting to feel better. I keep having regretful thoughts but they are getting easier to manage. I KNOW I could have a great future if I can stop gambling. Gambling has stopped me progressing in so many ways, from work to emotions and everything outside and inbetween that. I am sick of being obsessed by playing a stupid game.

Well done in coming here and getting on the GMA. I wonder if we will meet, I start on May 11th and I cannot wait. I know it will be hard, but I have so much work to do on myself. I have been gambling compsulively for 3 years and I have lost everything. I could not stop until I did lose everything, and I saw it happening and I could not stop as if I was in a trance of which I am now waking up.

This site has been invaluable for me charting my progress.

Can you find a GA near you and start attending, it will help you I promise.

Keep posting with your daily successes and remember the cliche – one day at a time.

[I_Maverick]

How you doing on day 48 mate? I have now hit day 21 today – 3 whole weeks without a gamble.

How are you feeling? I am hoping – praying – that since you haven’t written for a while you have been too busy. I remember my early time on this site you were so supportive and I was such an emotional wreck. I am still an emotional wreck, my business is till going under, my wife is still leaving – but with 21 solid days behind me, and 18 prior to that I am starting to feel more normal. And that means I can cope better with what I need to deal with.

Take care, hope you and your family are well.

mav

[I_Maverick]

Hi Waynes

Thanks for that. I am in a different mental place now than I was this morning. Nothing much has changed except I made some decisions, spoke with some people and realised I haven’t had a bet for 20 days. Tomorrow will be 3 weeks, which is a personal record to deliberate abstention.

I feel stronger about what I have to do in the next 10 days prior to attending GMA. I need to make sure I have spoken with my credtors and they know what is going on, both personally and professionally.

This site is an amazing place where I have been able to share my darkest fears and people have written wonderful things.

I will be starting a new thread soon to reflect my new state of mind.

All my love

Mav

PS Harry, how can I save this thread for future posterity and research.

[I_Maverick]

Harry, as ever you make some wonderful points. Charlster I do hope you will continue your journey, I value the advice you have given me on my threads, the time you have taken to read the madness I have written, and your consideration in responses.

I have huge respect for you, as I have for everyone on this site. GT are amazing, patient and knowledgable. They really want to help us.

Take care, and all the best

Mav

[I_Maverick]

Hi Charlster

I’m glad you have reconsidered and will speak to Velvet or someone. I have been speaking wit Janey and it has really helped, although I am in bits at the moment due to the stress I have caused by neglecting my company and leaving my family in a terribly precaurious situation. I would love to talk to you and gain some of your knowledge at some point, but I suspect the time is not right at the moment for either of us.

I hope your interview goes well today, and that in time you will address your gambling and other issues and like all of us will enter a period of sustained recovery. I really do wish you all the best and thank you for all your words of support.

I really need to start making my days better, one day at a time and I hope you can do the same. Get yourslef to GA and get blockers on your computer. That is something I should have done years ago. I should have stopped gambling last year and focused on the good things in my life. I hope you can do the same.

take care and all the best

Mav

[I_Maverick]

I am so scared, so angry at myself for the situation I have created. No with some serious gamble free time I am struggling to put the pieces back together. I really have broken everything.

My wife, my family, my sanity, my business, my income. Everything – all because I was lazy and thought I could coast through life without thinking or planning, just so I could gamble. Looking back I knew, and have known, it was a problem. I remember thinking what happens if I get caught – she’ll leave me. I remember thinking, pay the company debts while you have the money. Then I remember thinking, just a few hands of poker, instead of working on the business.

When we got the contract I said to my wife I wasn’t going to make the same mistakes, I was going to set the company up, create something for our future, never gamble again.

WHy did I do it? Not just the gambling, but the ignoring of the company. This time last year it was all in my hands, and now it’s all broken.

I am so scared of what happens next and how to deal with it. All the people outside of my family I have let down. What kind of a father am I to leave his son potentially homeless, his wife without an income. WHy have I ruined everything – why couldn’t I see this coming? It was so obvious now I look back.

I have so many problems in my life and they are all created by me not doing the work, thinking that somehow I can just coast along without putting in the effort. Well, this is where I have to put in the effort – my life is a train crash and it doesn’t just involve me. It involves my wife and a little bot of 17 months old. What kind of a shitty man am I? How oculd I let this addiction wreak so much damage – the lying, the sneaking, the lack of work, the lack of foresight. The longer I go without gambling the harder it gets as I have nowhere to run to.

The thought of gambling horrifies me but I know if I went here I could forget for a little bit – but I would wipe myself out in so many ways.

I really don’t know where to turn – my head is so clouded, my judgement so poor. I do not have the skills to cope in this situation. I am fearful of the consequences. Should I be punished, how can I fix it?

I know that no one on this site can help me, except support me, be nice to me. I didn’t ask for this illness, but I didn’t get help soon enough. I knew I had the illness as well, have known for years. But I let it get the better of me last year, and it really did destroy me. If I had stopped last year I could have avoided ALL of this. There really was no need for me to do this – it was wilful self destruction. I am culpabale. I had already sought help for the addiction, but I didn’t accept how bad it was. I didn’t listen – I don’t listen.

What do I do – I am so close to doing something stupid again. I don’t know where to turn for help, I really don’t. What do I do about my business, the clients, my wife’s redundancy. I am so lost, I am afraid I am going to do something stupid like try to hurt myself again. I don’t want to do that, I really don’t. I want to put my hands in the air and own up and say “I DID THIS”.

I cannot sleep through worry, I wake up in the morning my head spinning with should have done this, why did I do that, how could I do that. It’s not even just the addiction that did this, but me. I did not think ahead, I did not sit down and plan forwards. I just expected everything to be ok. I lies and lies and lies. The gambling took me further and further away from reality. I really have, for the time being, ruined my life.

This is the kind of sitiuation that makes or breaks you. I read stories of people on here who have overcome such things – do I have the character to solve this problem, one way or the other. What is the right decision, there are so many ways this could go.

I go to GMA soon, but I have to solve these issues first, otherwise I will not be able to focus on GMA, there will be too many open threads which will derail my recovery.

I know that dealing with this situation is part of my recovery, but I am so scared, so full of self loathing that I allowed this to happen, it is stopping me living.

Infact, I haven’t been alive for a hell of a long time, to be honest. Not truly alive, relxaed, enjoying the moment. I am and have been a bag of nerves for many years, I have not dealt with the issues in my life.

I love my son so much but I hate the fact I have created this terrible world for him and his mum – he doesn’t deserve that. Is he better off without me? Is the world better off without me? WHo do I turn to? I can call the Samaritans, they will listen, but they cannot help me.

I cannot remember the last time I slept, I have so many things on my mind, big things. Debts, historical debts, the company, the future, what I have done. What a terrible person I am for having continued to gamble. What a fool? I remember playing poker so much last year, way more than I spent on the business. Imagine what I could have done?

I remember when I first went to GA and I heard stories of people who gambled for 10-20 years, lost everything. Houses, businesses, futures, wifes, freedom etc etc. I remember thinking I will never be like that – but somehow deep down I knew I was and I had to do that. I HAD to be a proper CG. Why? Because I hate myself, and I have to do things which encourage me to hate myself more. And then I end up here, full of self pity, wallowing, no strength. I am such a waste of space, just drawing air. I have no redeeming festuares at all. I am pathetic.

What do I do now, how to do fix this one day at a time. What is my goal, how do I set a goal. How do I make everyday count?

If there is anyone here who has pulled themselves back form the brink – debts, loss of job, business, etc etc and they have succeeded please post here. I need encouragement. I need help.

[I_Maverick]

Hi Gov

Really glad you staved off the urge, well done. Did you manage to get to GA, i recall you saying it was Tuesday (today). I just came back from 2 GA meetings, 3 hours worth. I got a lot out of it. Really helped.

have a great night. I;m gonna report something Harry posted on another thread.

A good day is when you had an ok day and didn’t gamble.
A great day is when you had a crap day and didn’t gamble.

In that regard it sounds like I had a great day.

Sleep well

[I_Maverick]

Hi Happy

Thanks for your response. I am so gutted I have been so stupid to have lost everything. I can remember so many times I had moments of clarity and did nothing. The lying to my wife was making me ill, the losing of money (and I had some bad times when all the cards went against me) but I remember times when I was on a high after winning.

But I never knew or imagined this would happen – but looking at it what else could happen. I have ruined EVERYTHING good in my life. This is not just about gambling – this is about me being lazy, careless, decietful, full of ego. This is my punishment. And it is going to get harder, I know it is. My company is a complete and total mess as I had no idea how to run a company and I never set out to learn, and I never employed people who knew. I just thought everything was going to be ok. I am in such shit.

I just don’t know where to turn to be honest, I have been a complete and utter FOOL.

I cannot imagine this passing for years – I really need to grow a pair.

Off to GA now – beginners meeting and then main meeting. DOing 2 meetings today.

[I_Maverick]

So another terrible day but I didn’t gamble. The story from one of our fellow bloggers has reminded me, so sadly, of how close I am to ruining everything. My life is truly horrible at the moment, every day I have to deal with some new issue related to the wreckage that gambling has brought me. I wish it were only money. The fact is that by gambling all last year I totally neglected by business, and in the process made myself very ill. I did not realsie the mental damage that my gambling was doing – even though it did something similar before. It seems whenever I get caught my mind collapses. I just struggle to understand how I could be so short-sighted, how I couldn’t see this happening a year ago.

Why didn’t I pay off the company debts when we had the money (and we did have the money)
Why didn’t I plan the big project better so it would be easier and faster
Why didn’t I invest some money in a new website, marketing advice on how to build the business so this year could be a great year

Because I gambled ALL the time. I just couldn’t stop. As I get gamble free time I am seeing just how much time I spent either gambling or thinking about gambling. It consumed me totally – warped my way of thinking completely. Everything I did was filtered through how I could play poker. I am so truly sorry, I just want this to go away but it won’t. It needs to end here.

Every day I do not gamble is a small success, but the truth is I am a long way from being well. I am very unwell – my thinking is clouded, my judgement poor, my decision making is terrible. This year has been such a bad year, but I think things will get worse as I have to close the business down. I think my reputation is going to take a massive hit because of this. I don’t know. I imagine I will get over it at some point, but at what cost. How could I have allowed this to happen?

I am angry with myself, so angry. I could never have imagined 3 years ago if someone had said I would gamble my company away, and my wife, I would have said no way. I had so many opportunities to quit before it got too bad, going back to 2012. But I just couldn’t – I kept finding new ways to gamble in secret. ALl I cared about was playing that stupid game.

As I said this is not about the money – it’s my self-esteem, self worth, my family, my future. Gambling when it becomes compulsive can take everything from us. Even our liberty for thos ethat end in jail.

When I get through this I was to help others, but I don’t know how.

Right now I need to help myself.

There is so much love out there on these forums. I need these forum so much, just to vent. I know I keep saying teh same things, but i will know then when I get better and I start talking about other things.

I do not want to gamble ever again. I think about gambling and it just frightens me how much more damage I could do – not even financially, but mentally.

I hope everyone is having a good gamble free day.

[I_Maverick]

I know how you feel. I am having a terrible time – spending my time talking to a business advisor on how to shut my business down. I feel terrible, but at least I am not gambling. It would be so much worse if I was gambling.

You are doing great, stay away from your next bet one day at a time.

[I_Maverick]

Charlster, you are being too hard on yourself. So you slipped. We all do. I slipped after 18 days last time, and am now only on 19 days. You did 51, which is fantastic. If the job interviews don’t work out (and I hope they do) get back in touch with GMA. You still have 10-15 years working left, and lots more life. You are a smart bloke, very astute. I can see that from your posts. You have been really kind to me over the last few months, offering really good advice which I have taken on board. I would hate that you go now after one slip. That’s why you should stay, keep posting, continute building. You haven’t killed anyone. For some reason you decided to have a gamble, and it has badly affected you. You lost money but more importantly you are disappointed in yourself. But it isn’t the end of the world.

You were inspiring BECAUSE you were honest. I would hate that you go, but that’s of course up to you.

Good luck with the job interview, but more importantly I hope you can stop gambling. You know it does nothing for you, just adds to your misery. I get that now about my gambling – there is nothing positive in it at all.

I really wish you the best, and I hope you will continue to try and give up gambling for good.

Take care Charlster, I’m rooting for you too!

Mav

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