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Lol- in true Monica style it didn’t take you long to start working on that New year action plan !
I can see why companies line up to employ you.
I hope you have a brilliant trip!

I think there is a lot To be said for clearing out emotional junk. It can completely bog us down. Also there is a lot of research coming from America and more recently Scotland which indicates very strongly that adverse childhood experiences (ACES) are a greater indicator of adult health and wellbeing than any lifestyle choices. I guess it would explain why some people seem to ignore all current healthy lifestyle advice and life to 100 while others are so careful and yet become ill much younger.

I wish your son was living with me – I want a minimalist home and someone who is motivated and willing to make it happen- seems like this lad has a lot of his mum in him!

Thats a pain about the tax and I am sure it causes you a lot of stress. ONe of my not gambling but similar to gambling fantasies is that the taxman discovers I have hugely overpaid and sends me a huge refund !
Not very likely to happen but a nice dream anyway.

Hope you have a lovely weekend !

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Hi Nick,
You haven’t lost everything you have gained.
You have gained the knowledge that you can build up gamble free time.
You have gained the understanding that there is no such thing as only one bet or any other form of controlled gambling for us.
You have gained the realisation that you need another barrier or barriers for when will-power fails you.
It is horrible right now- the aftermath of gambling always is for us. Perhaps it might be an idea to Read back over the posts when you were abstaining to see how quickly things can improve for us once we stop.

The important thing now is to stop the drain, try not to chase losses and get right back on the wagon.
You can do this !

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Hi Vera
I guess it is that thing in us that makes us want to please people – for example most of us when we think about great wins , we think about what we will get for other people, not ourselves.

I think there is something in many of that makes us feel that we are of less value than others- that they are more deserving of our money and nice things . Example – I bought Christmas complete outfits for those closest to me in M and S – I bought myself a top in Asda!

How much of our money do we spend on beautiful things for us – we tell ourselves we don’t need them, they don’t interest us while we buy lovely things for others – because they need them? Because they are interested in them?

I think maybe it is similar with lending others money on a regular basis. Some where deep inside us we maybe feel they deserve our money more or it makes us feel good to please them. I guess it is also because we don’t really value money In the way others do.

Whatever our motivation it is good that you have said no and that you have closed the door on this part of your life- you have said that handling all that cash has often been a trigger for gambling urges.

Well done Vera – 2019 will be fantastic !

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Hi Jen
I have been having difficulty accessing the journals but hopefully I have this sorted now.
You seem to have been on quite a journey since I read last.
Its seems the longer this addiction goes on the more it affects us.

I closed my Facebook account a few months ago and after the first few weeks I stopped missing it – I stopped watching everyone else’s seemingly perfect life – one “friend” even posted photos of her new car- like who cares???
(Well I did because it highlighted how perfect her life is towards mine ). Looking back I wonder why I tortured myself with something which made me feel inadequate on a daily basis.

Like you I tend to be a social binge drinker,. It’s similar to gambling for me – I never quite know where it will end. I notice others are able to get up and go home but I want to party all night long. I know I cannot keep wine in the house ( cos I drink it ) and I know that I mostly wish I could control my drinking and mostly regret drinking so much on a night out. Maybe I should, give it up also .

I don’t smoke but I know that it is really difficult to stop so please get medical support.

Jen we can do this .
We somehow need to bottle the gambling aftermath horribleness – I once did a hypnosis cd for weight loss. I had to associate my favourite food with a dusgusting smell. Do you know I gave up chocolate for weeks? OUr brains need to be able to link gambling not with great wins or great times but with the horrendous aftermath.

I think to start a new thread you just click on new topic at the bottom of the main forums page.

Although it might be worth keeping this thread so you can compare the posts on how you felt when you weren’t gambling to those where you had. I have found this useful .

Keep strong my friend – we can do this !

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Thank you Charles, Lizbeth,Monica and Jen and indeed everyone for such positive encouragement .

I took your advice and read over my previous posts – this is new because I can never bear to read back – I always find I write such drivel it makes me cringe.

I can see exactly where it started to unravel – it was the first time my mother asked me to go. ALthough I said no that night and for several more nights I described how plans were formulating in my head – I had been triggered.

I didn’t have to act on that trigger and I probably wouldn’t have except I couldn’t bear to see my mum disappointed when she had no one to go with some nights later. She actually left the house to go ( I had said no again) and returned looking disappointed.

Now I need to ask myself why was my mum’s visit to the casino more important than my happiness, my peace of mind and my financial wellbeing. This acting on a trigger has caused me so much worry and pain, and continues to do so.

I made the decision to go. Why can other adults prioritise their own needs while I am still people pleasing? Having enough money to survive is a basic human need.
All the way there my inner voice was screaming no – but when I placed that first bet I was lost.

I guess it’s good that I have identified the exact chain of events.

I won’t be home for the next few months – plenty of time to have a robust plan in place.

11 days to get by – I can do it .

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Thank you everyone for your beautiful messages.

I am not doing so well- I feel constant pressure in my chest from the relentless worry . My husband just asked if i got bad news because I look shocked. Part of me wishes my heart would just stop and with it this madness would stop.

My solution is that I want to go gamble tonight – I might win!?

I have thrown away another fantastic career opportunity .-one which I earned !
I find myself retreating into isolation – I am making excuses for all the plans I made pre – Christmas . All those coffees and catchups won’t be happening now .
I have failed on so many levels it’s unreal.

I will get money on the fifteenth – that is two full weeks away.
And then it will be like this has never happened – I will forget and I will end up in the same mess again and again – each time a little worse and each time my health will be a little worse .
My whole life will be wasted on this cycle – this horrible self inflicted cycle -with nothing to look forward to except survival.

Perhaps writing it will help me to remember .

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Hi Monica ,
Happy New Year .
That is a really great plan for the new year.
And I know you will achieve everything on it .xx

Ps my phone is very hit or miss- it lets me write a few messages sometimes and Then blocks me out of the journals – can’t understand it but I can read on an Old iPad which won’t let me log in.

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Happy new year Kathryn
Looking forward to an update on your thread.xx

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Hi Laura

Hope you have a really wonderful 2019
Xx

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Vera
you will have a gamble free 2019.
It speaks volumes that other GA members are missing you and checking in on you. You are as big an asset to GA as you are to us on here.

I hope you have a really terrific year xx

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Hi future star
You make some really good points – what is the point of a label if no one can tell us how to fix it ? That is so true .

I dont know why we seem to lack self control.
I agree about social media – It seems everyone else has the perfect life – while we continually mess up.

There’s all kinds of theories about gambling addciton but really not much that helps us to stop. Nature / nurture – it doesn’t really matter where it comes from when we are full of shame at our latest loss..

You have had gamble free time before – perhaps you could share more about how you achieved this ?

Hope you have a great new year .

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Well done Jen – it must have been hard to not gamble that back – I know for many of us just waking past a casino is a trigger -so to overcome a huge trigger like being in the bar with machines must has taken incredible self control! Fantastic !
Can I ask how you fixed your credit – mine is so bad. – any advice would be gratefully received .

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Hi Jen ,
My day 1 was Friday – although in my brain it hasn’t yet happened – a huge fear is stopping me from gambling right now – but I want to .
This time I cannot forget – it is like a constant physical
Pain- I had such plans – I had such motivation and it’s all gone . .

I am finding it hard to leave my room- my room which in the past was my golden oasis and is now old tatty paint, stained shabby carpet, sad curtains ,broken furniture and a constant reminder of my shame .

In truth I knew it was too soon to go home – but I had made promises . I need to stay away – when I have had long spells of being gamble free it is because I have stayed away.
It gets me every time and even when I manage to say no the fire is ignited and I gamble as soon as I get back .

I don’t really know how to change this. I feel it will never stop .

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Hi Jen
It was so nice to chat with you.
You are so right – this is a blip and we will get past it .
I have been thinking about residential for a while now – not so much because of the actual residential but I think the follow up support will be useful .
Do u go to GA? I feel I depend to much on this site and it’s hit or miss. It was so empty over he Christmas break.
Why support do you have ?
I am glad you didn’t do too much damage – it strikes me that the aftermaths ate getting worse and that I am getting further away from my goals.
About the people watching you at the machine – if they were there all day hey would have been too intoxicated to see you! You have been doing really well Jen – let’s make 2019 a gamble free year !

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Hi Jen , Vera and Monica
Group ended but I feel I need to clarify .

Avoiding a situation/ person which always triggers a gambling relapse for me is not blaming that person- it is me taking a positive step to avoid a trigger and hopefully sustain a decent length of recovery .

I did say I wasn’t going when they both asked – I just felt guilty when my mum couldn’t go alone – and I went – that’s not blame – that’s a trigger and a major one for me !

The selfishness I talk about is so much other stuff but I guess it is all part of addiction. It is not just with me but with my siblings also.

I can’t blame others for this addiction but I’m not sure my mum should have been sneaking me into over 18 casinos at 13! I do blame her for that !

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