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Hi Monica
Those letters sound so stressful – what a worry.
Well done on tackling them – you achieved a lot on your day off.
Do you remember the days when customer service was important- now it seems we deal with disinterested people who can hardly be bothered to go through the motions ( I have had this experience recently with Gamstop).
A simple call takes half a morning .

You have come so far Monica – a year ago could you have possibly conceived getting any of these debts sorted ?
Onwards and upwards xx

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THank you Lizbeth and Charles for you posts .

Charles – that’s what I have been trying to explain- I have put nothing new in place! Just suddenly I seem banned everywhere – it’s so strange !

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Jezi You have not lost the three weeks gamble free you achieved , nor have  you lost he lessons you learned from those weeks .

You have learned that you can go a considerable length of time without gambling .

Your slip has taught you some important lessons about yourself and your addiction.

Progress not perfection is what I aim for and you have definitely made progress.

It is incredibly disappointing when we slip but one of the best pieces of advice I have had on here came from Harry – he said a slip does not need to become a full blown relapse .

Pick yourself up Jezi and remind yourself of the days you didn’t gamble. This is a hard addciton to beat but you will do it Xx

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Hi Monica , Yes I agree with all you write – I feel different today – spent time with family and it has lifted me no end . I often feel very isolated .

I am going to make a lot of changes in my life. I think I have just completed day 4.i lose track very quickly but by Payday on Thursday I will have started week 2. I have enough money to get by so long as no unexpected expenses arise.

I am feeling quite stressed tonight because I am behind with so much – and I can’t gamble  the night away to forget about it . 

Even though it Is late I might do some work now – if I was gambling I could easily go to bed at 5 am and tell myself I only need two hours sleep. When it comes to work I always convince myself I need my sleep. 

when I have stopped in the past one of the most helpful things was going to bed early – this willmean letting  go of support groups but the night time is when my urges kick in.

I am feeling relieved that the cycle is broken.

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Hi Monica
Thank you for your lovely posts on my thread.
I feel much better now – think the shock to my system of not gambling has passed.

Was someone going to go to the gym and pretend to be you? Or perhaps they were trying to get your other details from your membership ? Completely crazy whatever the reason.

Funny you should say about two crimes against you because in recent months I have experienced so many dramatic events it’s seems like he universe is conspiring against me!

I am glad your sister has addressed Paying you back- for you I feel this is more of a respect issue than a financial one !

Perhaps your son is starting to appreciate that like most things in life, your relationship with Pete isn’t black and white – and that there are aspects which are very beneficial to you regardless of any mistakes which have been made .

The gym will still be there tomorrow and your work sounds hard so you probably earned all that sleep.

I guess you need to weigh up the pros and cons of taking a permanent job Monica – it is a difficult one but I’m thinking take a highly paid job and save in an offshore account – should be easier to do once Brexit has gone through? Then you will have money to fall bakc on during retirement.

Fabulous work in your recovery ! Well done .
I really needed support over the past few days and really appreciate it . XX

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Thank Monica ,
It occurs to me you are awake very late – is all ok?

You are so right Monica – what is the point in regrets- what purpose do they serve except to hold us back?

Perhaps I need some time off work? Perhaps I should just take a week for me and just be.
All my years of dutiful service mean nothing to anyone – I am now seen as older and less dynamic – great to head up the difficult and horrible tasks but the juicy exciting stuff is left to the younger ones.
Omg what a misery guts I have become.

Today is day 4- the gamble free days build up very quickly .
Of course it is not really day 4 – I am not where I was after my first four days of stopping but much further down the road and with many lessons learned.
This time I will ring-fence more money so that it cannot be touched. I have over the course of this addiction gradually safeguarded my priority bills and many other bills – time to safeguard a little more – a holiday or other luxury.

-I know something else that is different – this time my thinking around the lottery has changed – there will be no win to rescue me.

My destiny is in my own hands. It occurs to me that I have been waiting to be rescued for the past two decades.

It is a great reason to escape doing all the life stuff we can’t be bothered to do – like perhaps investing in our homes or relationships. Why would we – we can do it all when the big win comes along ?

It is a long road ahead – the challenge is not in stopping gambling – the challenge is in accepting that it will take time to get to where I want to be .
No point in regrets – looking back and thinking about where I should have been only breeds impatience – impatience breeds gambling urges as I crave the instant remedy.

Time to accept the things I cannot change – because gambling certainly hasn’t changed them.

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Hi Steev
Thank you for your thoughtful response.
It is so nice to feel heard.
I think I am in severe withdrawal – I think I feel every choice I ever made in my life has been the wrong one. I think I can’t move forward because I am so lost in regrets – gambling is only one of these .

I knew a man once who regretted everything he ever did –
He regretted buying his car, he regretted buying his tractor , he regretted buying land , he regretted buying his livestock. I am not sure why he has come into my mind just now because he is long since dead.
I guess my subconscious is telling me we are a long time dead – get up and go live. The regrets aren’t so huge that we should focus this much energy on them and one day they will be forgotten as indeed we will be. Not exactly positive thinking but perhaps the kick in the **** I need just now .

I admire your ambition to travel the world – you will love Ireland. I need to find a new compulsion- something to fill my additive brain. Alcohol is a strong contender right now so I need to really search.

Thank you for your post again Steev- I look forward to reading your story on your thread .

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Today I feel relieved that I didn’t gamble last night .
Today I have reached my first gamble free day 3 in ages.
Today I know it’s nothing I have done that has made the difference.
Today I feel I can have a brighter future.
Today my mind is running ahead and I want so many things.
Today I feel overwhelmed because I have so much to do both at home and at work.
Today I feel panicked.
Today I feel left behind.
Today I feel a sense of uselessness on every level.
Today I wonder at my complete inability to complete even simple tasks .
Today I want to be what I’m not.
Today I resent people who have held me back in life .
Today I resent people who have left me behind in life .
Today I resent the people I spent my time and money on seeking approval from.
Today my mind is all over the place .
Today I am staying in bed.

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Well done Kin !

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Thanks Vera and Lizbeth

I hear you Lizbeth – maybe we should just let each day happen!

Vera I heard that too but I think it’s like GT- people stay away because they have gambled ! I know I do .

But I do think support is important. I’m not sure I would still beon the planet if it wasn’t for all you kind people.

So I seem to have my barriers back intact – two days and desperate attempts to get my fix – it’s over – I cannot gamble! I seem to be barred from every casino in the land and beyond .

It doesn’t feel great – I don’t feel wonderful- I’m not sure why this has happed – feel a huge sense of loss and a huge sense of loneliness . I miss my spinning wheels and the anticipation of a big win.

On the bright side my frugal funds will now hopefully get me through until payday. I have a few sales lined up – I get to keep my phone – I can buy a hair dye -I would prefer to have a few hours gambling

I feel God had a hand in the sudden effectiveness of my barriers – I had run out of lifelines so I think He had to step in!

I simply couldn’t do it alone .

I think one of the GA cliches that troubles me  most is the one about God helping those who help themselves – I always find it objectionable when the word of God  is misquoted to suit an agenda -however well meaning the intention.  if I could help myself – I simply wouldn’t need God !

I guess I’m grateful for that too- just need to calm down and see what plans He has for me.

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Steev
Thank you for your post
Don’t worry about cliches – I think it’s more when people try to ram GA down my throat and deliver phrases from it like they are absolute wisdom – ignoring the huge relapse rate !
I tried it however with an open mind – I hated it !

I’m not sure what I loved to do – I remember having dreams and aspirations and I remember having them crushed, long before gambling took over.
Can I go back to them ? Can we ever go back ?
I feel stuck – too old to go back and too old to move forward in the way I want to.
However on reflection I realise that I am privileged – every month I get paid and the reset button is flicked – I have an opportunity for a different life . Many people in the world never get that opportunity.

Time to take responsibility – we are all masters of our own destiny .

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Hi Vera
Thanks for your post on my thread.
You are a great saver and will have that fund restored in no time .
You are doing great !

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Jezi A massive well done to you for going to the counselling .

I see so much of me in you- I would dread going and would dress up to make it look like I was there on “business” .

I often plan to go to GA under the same guise – so if I know anyone I can pretend I’m in the wrong venue.

I think perhaps when we “dry gamble “ we aren’t replacing gambling with healthier activities so we are still activating the same connections in our brains rather than building new pathways- but you have got three weeks so perhaps it is working for you.

I can’t quite figure out if you have attended GA or found it helpful but again if it works for you I say go for it!

We all have to find our own path to recovery. Keep working at it Jezi – you are making remarkable progress.

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Thank you Nick , Jezi and Vera ,
Well done Nick on having that barrier in place and congratulations Jezi on those three weeks – hat is a great achievement !

Life can be dull- but my life never is .
I think occurs to me that we laugh a lot in my house – and I guess that dampens any dullness .
However, my moods seem to be completly regulated by the amount of money I have .
There are so many ways I could earn extra but I have a lazy streak – no I guess it’s that gambling (and thinking about it , how to survive after it , how to cover it up etc) takes up too much time !

What could I have achieved if gambling hadn’t taken up so much head space?
I have been advised so many times to find something to replace gambling but no one ever told me why this would be helpful .

I need to fill my head with other stuff and squash gambling right out of it .

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I think money gives us confidence – maybe that’s why rich people seem to have bags of it lol!

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