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Thank you Sean.
Today I am four months gamble free.
I find myself wondering why I continued to live such a complicated life for so long. Life is quite simple when you spend the money you earn on the things that make your life better.

This morning I know what I am wearing to work since the weekend because I have enough clothes to sort out for the week.
It is so much less complicated than rushing to get one of my two pairs of trousers dry after hand washing them (because the Washing machine hasn’t worked for months) when I’m on an absolute low after losing half my wages.
Why did I do that to me ?

Not everything is perfect -I feel asleep on the couch yesterday evening and couldn’t sleep last night – so I am again very tired for work.
However my mind is relaxed and there is no frantic guilty counting of money and planning loans. I guess it’s a better “too tired for work.

Looking forward to good times

[i-did-it]

Well done Zedhead !

Continue to make your recovery your number one priority and everything else will fall into place.
Be totally selfish about it – avoid people who drag you down !
You deserve recovery for u!

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Back to work after my Christmas holidays. Hardly slept last night – mostly due to the horrendous lack of routine over the hols.

Checked bank account – should be ok for January if I am careful.

I am looking forward to February because a big loan will be paid off and if I can avoid dipping in, I will be saving substantial amounts from March!I forget what it’s like to withdraw money I have actually saved for large purchase rather than borrowing or putting them on credit! I can’t wait to feel the security of having an emergency fund behind me.

It will have taken me seven months gamble free to get to a place where I can consider starting to save an emergency fund together but it will be worth the wait.

At the start such goals seemed so far away – they seemed impossible. It seemed I could never do it. Seven months seemed impossible – but this week I start month five and a lot of things seem much more possible. I can talk about things which used to be pipe dreams and think I will actually do this.

A huge change is that empty dreams now become real plans !

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Hi Packerton,
The biggest win in the world will only fuel out addiction as you so eloquently described. Once we cross the line into addiction we will never be able to hold on to our wins.

The surprising thing for me is that once I stopped gambling and set up really sensible (with really low payments) plan with my creditors I am able to afford the things I thought I had to gambled for – instead of waiting to buy things when I win (things which never materialised how ever big the win) I can do it now!
I will never be a millionaire – but I don’t meed to be – I have enough , I am content and my life has improved so much .

Hang in here – you are doing really well! Keep telling yourself that you have enough !

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Time to start working on the little things – like my life long tendency to oversleep! I seem to come alive at night and rarely feel tired – yet I am so sluggish in the mornings and find it hard to get out of bed. . I probably should have worked night shift – perhaps my ancestors were nocturnal!

I need to develop a good routine and the self discipline to stick to it. I’m not sure how I am going to do this ! Been trying for a lifetime.

Second little thing – my weight – perhaps the two are related? Sleeping the morning away leaves little time for exercise and spending the day playing catch up leaves little time for planning meals.

For the next month I will focus on getting a good daily routine even on weekends !

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Hi squirrel
I felt like that too – my brain was so focused on gambling that when I stopped there was nothing to occupy it – I didn’t know how others filled their time ! I also didn’t have money to try and find out .
People told me walking is free – but it is also incredibly boring for me and certainly didn’t motivate me
I just wanted to stay in bed and I guess resting allows our brains to heal.
Hang in there – things will get better – it took us quite a while to get ourselves into such a mess – give it time !

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Hi zedhead
That’s a really great post !
Fit your own oxygen mask first before you help or support anyone else .
It strange that we even have to say “be selfish about our recovery” or “put ourselves first” because most people already put themselves first – we somehow have learned to not value ourselves enough to do this .

I have discovered that by putting my recovery above everything I am able to be truly there for the people in my life . I am there because I am not distracted by the cravings , counting , shame , withdrawal and all the other horrible consequences of gambling.

I am a better mother, partner, sister and friend – because I put my recovery before all those people! Their highs and lows I will certainly be there for – I will not however allow them to treat me with anything less than respect just because I have made mistakes – when they become perfect then maybe …

[i-did-it]

17 weeks gamble free today!
Enjoying the normal things in life and the little things money can buy.
So many blessings to *****.

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That’s really fantastic Seanraj,
Being gamble free gives us a huge sense of freedom which in turn allows us to focus on family.
It sounds like your ex- wife has been hurt by your gambling – do you think you are ready yet to sit with her and talk about how out of control it all got – talking can heal so much .
Keep strong , keep positive and keep enjoying life.

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Wow. Steev – thats such good advice !

I remember when I was at the residential it was kinda drummed into us that we needed to ourselves first – when we allow others affect our motivation/ mood it is too easy to use it as a trigger to gamble !

Go make your own memories Zedhead it make things to remember like a beautiful garden !

You deserve a good life , you deserve good memories and you deserve recovery!!
Get out and get going and don’t feel guilt tripped – putting yourself first is important to recovery!

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Hi Pamred
How are things going?
I hope you got the essay done!
Keep strong x

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Vera
A huge part of recovery is letting go of the past so you are well on your way. Your friends on here will support you all the way and delight in your success.
Onwards and upwards Vera !

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Hi Clyde,
I can understand your concern regarding your sister. You say she has a care worker – does this person help with her money management? Does your sister have a social worker? This would be a good place to start as she may need someone to control there amount of money she has at her disposal .

With regard to the mobile phone, it is easy to put a gambling blocker such as “gamban” on her phone.

I’m not sure quite how much your sister understands about what is happening but it is important that everything is explained to her and that her opinion is respected on every decision.

Perhaps it would also be worth talking to your sister’s social worker (if she doesn’t have one you may need to apply for a disability social worker) to find out if she has other activities to fill her times if not perhaps they could also signpost her to suitable activities.

If you check the forums for people who gamble there will be lots of advice on there on barriers to prevent gambling.

There are also groups on here which you might find useful where you can chat to others.

Your situation sounds quite unique, and your concern for your sister is admirable – I hope my post helps a little.

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Thank you Steev

I have talked a lot about how content I feel right now. I am re-building friendships and reaching out and developing new ones. I am so much more positive about life.

One thing which seems to shallow but is an absolute joy to me is checking my bank balance – it’s not a huge balance but it is enough to have an ok life.

For the last decade January has been a horror month – my brain never relaxed – it was so busy borrowing, counting , gambling , winning ,losing , checking sites on how to survive on no money (each of which suggested buying a supersize bag of pasta !)…

This month I have enough- I might even buy a few new cushions! I have organised a few treats like meeting friends for lunch. My body (well losing weight !) has become a priority after a decade of neglect.

Anyone who says money isn’t important has never seen the dark days of having no money ! Anyone who has a gambling addiction can stop and have a better life.

One of the highlights of my day is checking my bank balance – seeing a little money there is a better high than I ever got from gambling .

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Hi Zedhead
We are good people. You are so right! We made mistakes sure – who hasn’t? Ours had financial consequences but we were never intentionally bad.

Something which I have had to learn and it feels like it has been the missing key to my recovery is self-compassion.

It is so easy for us to accept the blame for everything which goes wrong in life- we spent our time under such stress with this addiction and really hating ourselves. We can easily feel that we deserve any treatment others choose to give us.

We must remember it is an addiction not a choice – taking action to control this addiction however is up to us- and it’s really hard but here we all are doing our best.

Something which helped me hugely was writing a nice letter to myself – a letter like that I would write to a good friend who had messed up- it helped me to understand that I had suffered as much anyone.

It helped to realise that I was really a good person trapped in a bad cycle. It helped me to take the focus off gambling and put it onto me and my hopes and dreams. It was a letter of self compassion, a letter of self forgiveness and I guess a letter which allowed me to soothe the little hurt down-beaten person that hid inside me.

You are now gamble free and you deserve to be !
Keep strong .

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