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I seem to have a new motivation – in my work and in my home.

My home is becoming organised and I am starting to see a way forward. Interestingly, while I couldn’t be compared to any of those shows about hoarding – I often had difficulty letting go of things like a horrible unused sugar bowl my mum had bought for me at a car boot sale. That need to treasure unimportant things is gone .

I also found it hard to let go of gifts my deceased dad bought for me- they are stuffed away somewhere and I realise that I have never needed to take out a single item to remember the gentle giant who was my Daddy.
His face, his hands, his walk, his mannerisms, his laugh … everything about him is imprinted on my brain forever – and tossing a fancy pen or rug he gifted to me cannot change that.
I guess my brain is healing and I am starting to think logically.

I also now know that I can toss tatty clothes and cushions and that there will always be money for new, fresh ones.

I’m loving my new life .

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correction. The bank card thing should say so I can’t gamble on line

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Hi Mama

I felt compelled to answer your post as I felt as frantic as you six months ago. You have some really hard things to do but you can do it.
As your home is threatened and your husband will find out then anyway, just take a deep breath and tell him. Even if he shouts and screams it is better than losing your home.
I found this really hard to do (took me a decade) but here I am six months later and instead of worrying about losing my home I am thinking about painting it. Life can change very quickly once we stop.

Your husband can take over control of all money leaving you a small amount to live on. That means all accounts and all cards. No tiny secret debt or amount kept back (I tried this)

Another thing which helped me was ordering a new bank card and getting my husband to scratch off the last three numbers on the back so I can gamble online – it still works in shops.

I too was obsessed – it felt I would never be able to stop. I was completely distracted both at home and at work.

I have read about that drug you mentioned and I understand this might make it more difficult for you to stop. Perhaps you could put Gamban on your internet devices – I have it on my phone.

Also try to attend the groups on here or chat on the helpline .
There is lots of help available .
Can I ask which country you live in.?

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Seanraj, I have been in the situation where people have spread rumours about me and whether they are true or untrue, rumours are hurtful.

It is possibly your ex- wife’s way of trying to appear blameless for the marriage ending – but the fact that you are not gambling and getting your finances now sorted shows that you were most likely gambling to escape from a difficult situation. Keep strong and don’t let this person drag you down for another second of your life.

I powered through an amazing amount of work yesterday- I have as much to do today. I work with such focus when I am under pressure – I wish I could work at a more consistent pace.

I did something kinda cool yesterday – I decided to get a cleaner for my home for two hours a week – that will greatly reduce my stress and is one less thing for me to worry about. It will also give employment to someone who could possibly do with an extra few quid – win win ! Two hours is less than a small deposit on the online slots.

Now for the huge initial tidy up before the cleaner arrives…

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Thank you Steev and Sean,
Today I am finding it hard to feel those good emotions Sean.
I am feeling completely overwhelmed.
Why?
Because I have procrastinated again and now I am overwhelmed by the amount I have to squeeze into today.
This is led to a short and poor sleep so that I am less able than usual to cope with the extra work.
This has led to waking this morning full of anxiety.

There could have been a simple solution – do some of the work yesterday.
I think it is a type of anxiety that stops me from getting stuck into things like this. I think about what I have to do and too many things jump into my head at once and then I can’t focus.

Last night as I anxiously watched rubbish tv, I realised that it is times like this that used to send me straight to gambling.
I am glad I didn’t do that last night. Watching mindless TV is of course another escape activity but one which doesn’t leave me in a state of panic for the rest of the month.

I lifted my spirits this morning by checking my bank account – it is healthy and that gives me a feeling of safety which helps with the panic anxiety.

I think it is healthy enough for me to consider hiring a cleaner – that would help my life so much.

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These days I am struggling to think of stuff to post about- experience tells me that stopping posting was often a signal that relapse wasn’t too far away.

I can hear that little voice creeping in “the lottery won’t hurt” or “maybe now you could get one of those wins of the past and actually hold onto it”.

The voice is the same – the words are the same – but my awareness is different. I know this is a sneaky addiction which will tell me anything to get me to gamble that first £10.
I also know after that first £10 I will be lost again.

My finances continue to improve – my general health and mental wellbeing continue to improve.
Why would I throw it all away to watch reels spin, filled with a mixture of dread and hope, knowing deep down that I am facing pure misery and shame despite the temporary reprieves the occasional wins bring?

Why would I ?
I won’t !

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Hi Kin,
The very fact that you reflect over how you feel around your mum shows that you are a good son.
We can all just do our best every day – and some days that best is different from other days.

Keep focused on your own life and keep strong !

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Staystrong
I hear you .
Maybe ask your wife to list the reasons she wants you to stop gambling – I would be interested to read them.

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Hi Staystrong Most people who develop a gambling addiction actually win money in the beginning. That’s the positive reward that makes our brains want to return for more. If we lost first time we probably would have stopped.

For many people who become addicted those early wins are very significant significant – I was up a year’s salary in the early days.

Of course gambling addiction isn’t just about money – it’s also about being preoccupied with gambling all the time.

Even when we are with loved ones our minds are on gambling. .Gambling addiction takes us away from our loved ones a lot while we are actually gambling.

If your wife has concerns I can pretty confidently say that she realises that this has become an addiction for you and trust me living with an addict is no fun.

It is a lonely unpredictable life.

All things in moderation is a pretty good motto to live by – the fact that you are setting controls means you cannot trust yourself to control this addiction .

I am six months gamble free and I find myself buying all those things I thought I needed a win for – but better than that my mind is on a pretty even keel – no extreme highs , extreme lows, no constant thoughts of wins and losses – just living a very content life !

Why not test it for a month? See can you stop as easily as you think you can – the wins will still be there in a month‘s time ?

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Thank you Charles, Darkenergy and Steev.
Those posts have been most helpful and I’m sure ur next one will be Steev whenever you get around to it …(lol).

Today I am 25 weeks gamble free- 175 days – a week off six months .
Life continues to throw stuff at me- some good, some not so good. I am praying for a miracle for a sibling to survive a horrible diagnosis .
Whatever life throws my way it is so much better to be able to deal with it without the colossal stress of gambling in my life .
I am even in a position now where I have my emergency fund set up so unpredictable financial pressures won’t send me running back to gambling. I knew it was important to get this money behind me before tackling debts.

Life is life – but it’s so much more manageable when we are gamble free.

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Well done Sherrie – that’s fabulous.
Xx

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Hi Emma
Congratulations on your upcoming milestone.
It’s been a while since I had a gambling dream but I remember also that is wasn’t a happy one.

It makes perfect sense how gambling seems so long ago and yet so recent. This superhighways in our brains took years to build and will take a long time to fade but by keeping doing everything that you are doing they will fade.
Keep strong Emma – you are doing great !

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Hi GS
Well done for sharing your story and for seeking help.
My game plan is to have a as many barriers as possible to give me thinking time.

So I have downloaded Gamban onto my phone and other internet devices- there is a free trial and it is so much cheaper than gambling after that.
I have ordered new bank cards and had someone else scratch off the back three numbers so that I can still use them in shops but not online.
I attend an addiction counsellor online who has somehow managed to change how I think about gambling.
I avoid all video games which activate the same reward system in the brain – in fact the only game I play now is scrabble.
I attend groups on here and discuss any urges to gamble I may have .
I challenge every single gambling thought and remind myself of what really happened in the past.

THis is working for me – I am almost six months gamble free and feel like I have a new life.
I hope some of the above is helpful for you .

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Godt gjort – hold deg sterk x

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Goed gedaan – blijf sterk x

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