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I was awake most of last night with severe tummy cramps – I thought this must be appendicitis or something serious because I had no other symptoms and it was a severe pain I never remember having before.
Today I am a lot better but something feels sore.
I went back to bed this afternoon- I was exhausted. My husband came home from work and the criticising started as soon as he walked in.

I don’t want to be part of this anymore. All I could think last night was that I have waited too long to have a nice life where I am master of my own destiny. If I had to go to hospital I don’t fancy my chances at the moment. If I get this virus will I recover? Has my life been just about battling to survive rather than living?

I need to make some huge decisions -I don’t know if I’m ready for them, and I’m not sure of how I will manage alone. I want to want to go downstairs at the weekend instead of watching Netflix in my room. I want to potter around my garden and not have my work criticised. I want to buy a lamp or vase and have it admired instead of criticised. I want to decorate a room and not be met with a litany of how I am doing it wrong. I want to do things without stopping to think of the complaints I will receive. I want to return to my love of DIY. I want to wake up and know I can do whatever I like because there is none to criticise.!

I want to feel appreciated just a little … but at the moment there is nothing to appreciate as I have checked out!

I feel my acceptance changing to resentment.
Maybe at times this is a positive emotion as it might drive some change !
I don’t want to be on my deathbed having these regrets…

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Hi Aimz,
Hope everything is going well and you are feeling strong and motivated.x

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Wow Dev,
So delighted to read your post.
You’re life has certainly changed and your story is an inspiration for others .
Well done and thank you so much for sharing .

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Today I am doing a huge clear out of my wardrobes and bedroom. Not gambling means I can dump things I used to feel the need to keep, because I know I can buy again if I’m stuck.

My home is becoming a place I love being – so much more calm and clean than in my gambling days. Not much else to report- Saturdays in lockdown aren’t terribly exciting.

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Joerd, вы сделали несколько блестящих шагов – я думаю, что я предпочитаю ваш FAT, а не MAT Чарльза (время доступа к деньгам).

Я не эксперт в этой области, так что простите меня, если я говорю как проповедь, но вы так усердно работаете над этим, я считаю, что с моей стороны было бы упущением не упомянуть следующее.

Я не уверен, в какие игры вы планируете играть, но во время моего «лечения» нам посоветовали пока не играть в соревновательные игры, особенно в компьютерные игры, поскольку они активируют ту же часть мозга, что и азартные игры.

Везде, где у нас могла быть «победа», на данный момент это не приветствовалось.

Я действительно играю в скрэббл (который, как мне показалось, мне нравится), но он настолько медленный, что не дает времени ни малейшего «кайфа».

Вот и все – оставайтесь сильными и сохраняйте эти посты такими же позитивными, как тот, который я только что прочитал.

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Joerd, You have taken several brilliant steps- I think I prefer your FAT to Charles’ MAT ( money access time).

I am not an expert in this field, so forgive me if I sound preachy, but you are working so hard at this I feel it would be remiss of me not to mention the following.

I am not sure which games you are planning to play but during my “treatment”, we were advised to play zero competitive games for now and especially not computer games as they activate the same part of the brain as gambling.

Anywhere we could have a “win” was discouraged for now.

I do play scrabble (which I have actually found I like) but it is so slow it really doesn’t give time any kind of “buzz”.

That’s about it- keep strong and keep those posts as positive as the one I have just read.

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Vera ,
When did u last take the money and run- and I don’t mean for a little time ?
Shut down those cards before your exclusion is up.
I am the queen of tiny doors open .
I know how the addiction manipulates us.

I am also the person who learned the very hard way – you are more intelligent than that.

You have got by with no money before .
Throw those cards in the fire tonight.
You would cope if ur bag was snatched.
You will get by without those card for a few days .
It will it you to pay interest even if u miss a payment!
Get real!

And shut down those accounts forever !

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Привет, Джо! Молодец, честно. Теперь, когда люди знают, что могут вам помочь. Теперь, когда вы действительно понимаете, что пристрастились к азартным играм, вы можете помочь себе. Когда мы становимся зависимыми, мы никогда не победим. Даже если мы выиграем ненадолго, мы скоро проиграем. Вы, наверное, сами заметили эту закономерность. 30 дней бесплатных игр – действительно потрясающее достижение. Вы, вероятно, уже начинаете ощущать положительные результаты. Сохраняйте силу, продолжайте доверять самым близким и близким вам людям и продолжайте следовать советам тех, кому удалось остаться без азартных игр. Вперед и вверх, Джо!

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Hi Joe,
Well done on your honesty .
Now that people know they can help you.
Now that you truly understand that you are addicted to gambling you can help yourself.
Once we become addicted we will never win.
Even if we win for a short while we will soon gamble it away.
You have probably noticed this pattern yourself .

30 days gamble free is a really terrific achievement.
You are probably starting to feel the positive benefits already.
Keep strong, keep confiding in those nearest and dearest to you, and keep following the advice of those who have managed to stay gamble free.
Onwards and upwards Joe !

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Hi Steev,
This virus has changed out world beyond belief – what’s surprising for me is that I am actually really enjoying just being at home and chilling out . I never thought I could live in the countryside again but now I am thinking the peace might be nice.

It is just as well you hadn’t waited another year to travel – you have made some great memories to see you through the coming months .
Please God this virus will pass soon and we can all get back to our normal lives.

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Many times when I gambled I would think it’s not too bad – I only spent £100 or £150.
Of course I did without lots of things while I was gambling .

Today I am reflecting on some purchases I made last night online at Argos. I spent under £80 and I now have a bathroom scales, dumbbells and a lovely fire pit for my garden.
Sure none of it’s top of the range but I have them now, they will improve my family’s wellbeing and health and all together they cost less than a “cheap” night gambling.

These are all things which will help me get through the lockdown with my mental and physical health intact. For someone like me, in early recovery these are essential items- things I have deprived myself of and which will motivate me.

My weekly cleaner is also proving to be a huge benefit. There is an added bonus that everyone seems to be tidying as we go along. It is lovely to walk downstairs each morning and have everything feel so clean. I will miss this perk during lockdown. The benefits of not gambling are becoming greater and greater.

Next on my list I am considering investing in family bicycles- perhaps second hand. Suddenly the possibilities seem endless – last night I googled old barges (not sure why – I have a huge phobia to water, sea, rivers – and am convinced I drowned in a past life).

I wish I could go back and do things better – I can’t – I can only make today the best day it can be. I can only make changes for my family for today. I am incredibly grateful that I have today and it’s many possibilities.

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Hi Meghna
You are sending such a strong message to that addiction – you are letting it know that you are prepared for moments of weakness and you are filling your time with much better things.
You are safe because you have taken action to keep yourself safe .
You did this . You!
Well done

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Thank you Steev, Vera and RG for your very thoughtful posts.

Today the urges are dying down – I ate my way through them.
I think it’s the boredom of lockdown and a bit of self sabotage.
I didn’t gamble so there’s a clear message gone to the addiction!

Nothing to write about but at least no gambling to report – I’m a week off seven Months gamble free.

Onwards and upwards

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Aimz – there are lots of apps which are free for now – I will see if I can get a list of some – they might help you train your brain to switch off .

https://covid19.shanehastings.eu/giveback/?fbclid=IwAR2aXv6PMsc_NVIBONZz18o4whJs9CpIz729NxIU4KqEkpz0rfo-eN-X6L4#health

Copy and paste the above link and see it it works for you.

Xx

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Tonight I had really strong urges to gamble- the type of urges which would have led to gambling if it wasn’t for my barriers.
Something is slipping and I’m not sure what
.
I have to go to work tomorrow – perhaps that’s stressing me .
I have nothing much to look forward to (thanks to lockdown).
Something has changed because tonight barriers saved me.

I am on the verge of real financial security – maybe I want to self sabotage?
I guess it’s a good thing that when I was feeling strong (or maybe I felt weak ) I put barriers in place.

Recovery is so good usually – payday on Tuesday – no reward of dinner out or new clothes – plan for the unexpected they said…

How on earth could anyone plan for this pandemic ?

I keep myself going by thinking I will have extra money and I will plan some good trips – but then I wonder will the world be ever normal again – and if it is will I be here to enjoy it?

I am such a bundle of laughs tonight. I need to get a grip and fill my time a little more constructively.

I am still gamble free – I guess that’s something to be happy about. I am also pleased to see that Ireland’s aggressive strategy for controlling Corona seems to be yielding positive results. I guess I can always holiday on the island when this is all over …

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