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Great to read you are feeling so positive Micky. Of course there is lots to look forward to . Onwards and upwards.

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Thank you Monica and Vera .

I can’t believe how differently I feel – the secret is out and I feel something that was closed inside of me had opened .
I woke this morning and for the first time ever I truly saw my partner as a person who I actually am quite fond of – a week ago I could not understand why people got upset when their husbands left – I craved that kind of freedom.
Today I’m thinking he’s got so many good qualities – but I have been living a lie for so many years – my energy has been consumed with not getting caught .
Not with stopping gambling – simply with not getting caught .
Because in truth I never wanted to stop- I just wanted to be able to fund it. My dream holiday is vegas. Just so I can do the same thing I do from my bedroom every week- play slots !
Each time I join a new site I quickly become a VIP (I spend a lot) and I get VIP treatment from my account manager . In truth I like being a VIP- I like to pretend to some anonymous stranger thousands of miles away that a grand is nothing to me .

Yet at home I have had VIP treatment for years , and really behaved in the most brattish manner as if it was my due . I have used manipulation and played the victim to avoid doing my share of the housework. I have treated my partner as less important than me – in truth I have always seen him as less important than me .
I’m not sure why ,but I can see myself so much clearer today and a lot of what I see isn’t nice .

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Hi Monica – glad to read you are feeling better.
Sometimes I find it so hard to connect with God, but I understand about being made anew .
Thank you for your advice in my thread – I went to GA!

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Thank you Monica , Geordie and Charles –
I can’t quite believe I am writing this – but I went to GA tonight.
Not like the last times I went – when I made it to the gate – I actually went inside and met people – and strangely enough they didn’t seem like they were just there to go out and gossip about me (lol).
Sometimes I over think things so much I get caught up in the drama in my head . I’m not sure I will ever be able to sit and talk freely the way the men and women did tonight – something seems to hold me back .
But I have admitted to someone face to face that I struggle with this addiction and that’s new for me .
Thank you again everyone for your much valued support .

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Jonny ,
Well done on staying gamble free !
Th addiction is playing with you.
Urges appear when we least expect them
Stay strong .

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Thank you Kathryn- I have never heard that before – HALT. I like that – I am going to make it my screen saver on my phone .

I really need help with something . I have just researched GA again. I found one which sensibly posted lots of of GA materials like “just for today” – I have never seen any materials before from GA. Some of it made me chuckle cos instead following the advice to not criticise, my mind went straight to think about the members I know who are not following that advice – which was exactly what I was not meant to do !! I am most unkind!

I need help because there is a meeting I can attend soon but my mind is going in two directions.

One part of my brain sees hope , freedom , sunshine and a really good life if I just drag myself to GA.

The other part sees humiliation , shame , embarrassment and the whole world knowing . I can’t bring my self to trust the confidentiality of GA .
One part of my mind is really hopeful – the other is really frightened.
One part wants to attend a local meeting because it is achievable- the other part of me wants to do a hundred and fifty mile round trip to attend where I’m not known (which usually means I will be too tired for the drive after work).

I have struggled for so many years with this- there is a phone number you can ring – I’m even really scared to ring that number . I have no idea who will answer.
I have no idea why it is such a big deal for me . I guess it’s that I don’t really trust other people – I’m not sure even if I went that I would be able to open up- ever.
I have a tiny bit of hope that I will be writing that I went and yet I know I won’t be writing that.

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I feel so lonely today – it’s not that I have spent the whole day alone – so I’m not sure why I feel like this .
Could it be that I don’t know how to really manage my time when I’m not working. I don’t know how to fill it with things to enjoy – I feel lonely for my child even though he is upstairs- he needs me so less now .
I know what would fill this empty feeling very nicely – Gambling!

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Thank you Charles – good advice on all issues.

Today I am thinking how blessed I am- I have a lovely little family (which also like most mums are the main source of my worries ). I have a great extended family and we all get on most of the time. I have been blessed through my darkest days that I have managed to drag myself to work and maintain my job- which is so much more than a job to me – even today after more than two decades I sometimes am amazed that I love my work so much – it’s not a job – it’s a vocation .
I think of all I have read about if you follow your passion you will get rich – it’s not true – but you get up every day and feel blessed to do what you do.

Overall I have so much to be grateful for.
I used to think why me with this addiction but when I look at my life I have been dealt a Pretty good deal overall.

So this morning I am feeling blessed.

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Have a great day Micky ! Hope your feeling a little better !

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People respect honesty – it’s so easy to be honest when we are talking about others – it’s easy to be honest then. When it comes to having to say stop I don’t want to hear gossip, I don’t want your opinion on that person. When it comes to standing over the truth, even when it exposes our own mistakes – that’s harder.
In the past day I have gained a new respect for someone and lost a lot of respect for another all because of honesty or the lack of it .
We all remember being in a situation where we knew what was truth and people lied to save their own skin or to look good.

Following the theme of my last post about “imagining”what others’ motives are when we have no idea what is in anyone else’s mind- I guess I have to accept that some people make might not be self aware enough to even realise that they have lied. Doesn’t make it any easier when you are the fall- guy !

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Hi Micky – I have just completed week one – have had a major slip – but you know how it goes – a week down and I’m feeling less fragile and more hopeful . Despite much analysis as to why I have relapsed ( from not listening to not wanting to hear ) the truth is its a hard addiction to beat – we just have to brush ourselves down and start again- I don’t believe we are ever back to square one – I think each slip / relapse brings lessons and in truth Micky it feels like your slips are becoming less and less frequent or maybe your gamble free times are extending .

You know how quickly life feels better once we stop and our brains have space for other things . If you start day one tomorrow you will be feeling a little better by the weekend .

Don’t beat yourself up Micky – almost everyone on here has had relapses at some point but many go on to be gamble free.
Tomorrow is another day — a great new day and a great new start .

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I understand exactly what you mean Monica – when it is only money we have earned we don’t end up in prison or worse – the thing is as it’s a progressive illness we could maybe continue to get worse if we didn’t take some action to get the addiction under control.
Life feels a lot better with nice food in our tummies and a few bob in our pockets .
I’m pleased to hear you sounding more positive .
Keep remembering – you absolutely deserve recovery .

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I read a few things in the last day which I would like to share-

If you had £65,000 in sAvings and someone stole a tenner- would you spend the rest trying to get it back? Sadly this is exactly how those of us with gambling addiction think.

The second thing I read was on judgement . While we can share many experiences , no two of us will have exactly the same experiences in terms of challenges, losses, shocks, tragedies, relationships , sadnesses, worries and therefore not one of us should point the finger at another until we have walked in their shoes. We should not feel we know the motives of others or what makes them tick . This struck a chord with me as it something which holds me back – over thinking the thoughts and motives of others which no matter how clever a person likes to think they are – are simply down to imagination.
You learn a lot when you read !

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Hi littlenicz,
You are in the right place – you will get plenty of help on here – I’m not sure if you know about barriers a- things that help you not to gamble like blockers for your phone and laptop, getting someone else to manage your cash. There are groups which u can chat to other people who are working on recovery .
Well done on taking this first step to recovery !

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Hi jaques Paul, I have a gambling addiction which has given me some very dark days (today is not too sunny to be honest ).
Paul the fact you are writing here tells me you should cash out and run. When we have a winning streak we all think we arei invincible- that we will always win back – when gambling becomes compulsive we will never win – if we are winning we will think we are in a winning streak and continue to gamble – if we are lost we will chase it .

If you feel gambling had become addictive for you then yes, closing. accounts would be a good idea .

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