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Hi Rainman, you are not a bad person- you are a person with a gambling addiction.
I think you are seeing that you can not do it alone – it is almost impossible to stop gambling without support. There are groups on here tomorrow night where you will get good advice and also there is another online site called gamblers anonymous – if you could make it to some of their face to face meetings that would be really good .
You may not be not a spring chicken but certainly you are young enough to recover your whole life.
Take the necessary steps now and in no time you will be looking forward instead of backwards with regret.

Well done on recognising that you have a problem and posting.

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Hi Mark ,
The loss of a child is a terrible thing to deal with and something a person truly never completely gets over . You seem to have gotten yourself into a l y of bother with gambling – however , at 48 you are young enough to turn it around and still build a good future .
There at many online groups here you can use – there is chat all day at gamblers anonymous online and Gamtalk.
Perhaps you could think about cutting off access to gambling to see how you feel without it hanging over you all the time.

Keep posting Mark- many people on here have turned their lives around and you can too .

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I took a new step- I couldn’t close down my Pal Pal account because apparently there is a payment pending – I think it’s coming into the account -not out .However I removed my bank account from my pay pal so now I have no money to spend there. This was always my sneaky money – (it isn’t really money if it’s done on PayPal??) .
It is so hard to refrain- it is so hard to stop. It used to be that the only thing in my head after losing was how I could replace the money – now the only thing in my head is where can I get more money to gamble – this disease is certainly progressive.

I have been thinking about applying for residential – in the past I always felt I would be turned away because I’m not bad enough. I think I am somewhat delusional – I work hard all week and then give my money away to any online casino I can find where I am not barred and think I’m not bad enough for help-yes definitely delusional!

What is really putting me off now is I think there might be family sessions – I can’t think of any family I would want there – I can’t think of anyone I would want there . But this is what I do .
So I return to GA tomorrow nite – last week was an open meeting and It was too soon to face outsiders – in fact I don’t know if I ever will.
I am looking forward to my meeting – I am looking forward to my coffee – it’s one of the stupid things I do – spend thousands Gambling and then deprive myself of a jar of coffee- go figure !

I have decided on payday I am going to cut up every card I have and just deal with cash .
I can’t stick ten pound notes into the computer now can I ?
Having said that I might as well stick them in the fire.

So I’m rambling and my thoughts are random – someone objected to that recently so I deleted my post – but then they objected to that also . Can’t win at gambling – can’t win at gambling support.

I think I will pray for a miracle – I’m not sure what that would look like but I certainly wouldn’t want to gamble all the time .
And maybe I would have a car from this decade and maybe I would have nice clothes and perfume- and maybe I would not feel tortured all the time – oh and sleep would be really nice .

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I am rushing out eraser , but just wanted to send you some
Encouragement – the good thing is you now know you can do it and you now know how good life can be.
Cash out , self ban, and buy a blocker for that laptop.
You can do it .

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Hi P , thank you for writing such en excellent post – it’s great to read you are doing so well

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Hi Micky, it’s amazing how the wrong people at the top can bring such bad feeling to the workplace. I am impressed you have been there for so long – would you ever consider a change? – u know what they say a change is as good as a rest. Well done on your gamble free time.

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Thanks P. I got my finances kinda sorted and I immediately thought I would treat myself to new trousers – I thought this is better than gambling – and five minutes later I thought … I could try a twenty and see what I could win back …
Luckily I have banned from those sites that were tempting me . My recent gambling has not been on my own device – I am sure I could be a great researcher or genius if I put as much of my brain power into anything else . I think about gambling all the time –
Now when I think about it I think I will try a tenner , then I think I can never stop – if I blow it all I’ll be in real trouble – then I gamble anyway .
How stupid is that ? I think it through and do it anyway .
So I am dragging myself to bed kicking and screaming and desperate to gamble .
I wonder do I need to shut myself away from civilisation and live like a hermit for a few months to shut this screaming addiction down.

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Thank u Charles ,Kathryn and Monica –
I am gradually feeling better.
Tonight however I am thinking of Kathryn’s HALT.
I feel hungry (well chocolate cravings ), some kind of anger about unfairness, very lonely and yup I’m tired .
I’m wondering does one emotion feed the next .

My recent “fall” has affected my sleep .
It’s not that I can’t sleep – it’s that I haven’t been making an effort to get to bed early . Because I have gambled I seem to be letting everything go – I seem to feel I need to deprive myself even of sleep .

So tonight I am calling HALT on this downward spiral.
Tonight I am going to pamper myself with a nice bath and then take an early night .
Tonight I am going to remind myself that despite my shortcomings I deserve to care for myself.

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Dabbers – I am so sorry to read of the difficult time you are going through . It is an incredibly sad time for you and I am so glad that you are gamble free and able to give such support to your family member . Thinking of you both .

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Thank you Kathryn Monica and Cathy for taking the time to post me .
I am feeling somewhat better- dragged myself off to a family event and tried to carry on. In a way it helped because I was out of my environment and for a while I could let go of the worries which I couldn’t do anything about anyway . I think I feel numb- like I can’t bear to think about what happened – no not what happened- what I did .

I would love to say that I completely feel never again but already I was shocked to find myself thinking all I need to do is make a bigger deposit so I can play for longer to win back –

I so wish I didn’t have this addiction- it’s a constant battle – I think it is time I did everything by the book- no short cuts, no maybes, no half measures. I need to throw everything I have at this . Everything .

I won’t know until tomorrow if I can get my finances back on track. I’m hoping my recent year of managing my finances and saving will allow me to get past this episode.
I hope to write a post tomorrow where I have taken all the steps I need to, have attended GA (my second meeting ) and am looking forward.

For today I’m here , I’m posting and I am trying to pick up the pieces.

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Thank you Cathy for your post on my thread. It really helped so much more than you will ever know . I somehow pulled it together and attended a family event . I guess the worse thing we can do is hide away because in that way we continue to let the people in our life down- selfishness on top of selfishness.

I hope all is going well with your son. I often check your thread for updates. Thank you again for taking the time to post to me.

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I can’t remember when I last blew it so completely and spectacularly.
I can’t remember when I last felt such pain and shame .
I had forgotten the days of plotting and planning, counting and adding – surviving with no sleep.
I have no one left to talk to.
I have no one to help prop me up when I’m thinking I don’t want to even try to stand .
There is a black pit inside me and I fear it will swallow me .
My thoughts are going places no mother’s thoughts should ever go .

I texted someone from GA- I don’t even know who- just a number on a card .
It helped me feel there is a future .
No questions, no criticism- just support and hope .
– I felt appreciated for helping another member.
How can such a monumental fail be helpful to someone else ?

I just want to crawl somewhere and hide away
But that’s not an option for mums .

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Hi Monica , I avoid alternative therapies like reiki because of my Christian faith – really I am just scared that I will be inviting undesirable stuff into my life . I often wonder if that’s how I became addicted to gambling ( I’m sure there will be many who disagree) . I think maybe you could adapt what you have learned and use it In a Christian way- for example there is now Christian meditation.

It is so difficult to think about the future when we are trying to survive today or this week. It might be an idea give yourself a break for today and just think about today . The future is too huge to contemplate .
Gambling became an issue for me in my early 40s so maybe I should be thinking project 50.

I hope everything works out with the rent – it will of course because you have Jesus working things out on your behalf .

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Well done Micky ! You have so many good reasons not to gamble . Day 10 already ! The savings account will be very motivating – I know others on here write about being able to see their savings on line and it helps them. Keep strong .

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For today I will not gamble !

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