[i-did-it]

It was lovely chatting to you last tonight Laura – I’m so sorry you are in such pain but I’m glad gambling isn’t adding to your pain.
I will look out for an update on your health and pray all goes well with your appointment.

[i-did-it]

Geordie ,
Thank you Geordie – for such a long and thoughtful post –
I did wake with those fears about my car and stuff but in truth I am dealing with something at the moment which is ripping my insides apart and while those were the thoughts I awoke with they are not the reason I haven’t been to GA. I really don’t want to write too much here but honestly no gambling hangover is as bad as the worry a child can bring. I’m not sure I will get to GA for few weeks but I have been using their online chat every single day in addition to posting here and attending groups . GA felt like a wonderful welcoming place – I want to go back – and you are so right. I need to go back .

I feel I am less complacent with other things in my life than I had been and I seem to be taking action with a lot of things I had let slide so that is good.

Geordie with regards to sounding negative- I never find your posts anything other than supportive- when I talk about negative posts it’s kinda when people pick holes In what I have said for no other reason than acting superior . They don’t help me in any way – they just deflate me. That may not be the intention- but that is how I am affected.

– you rightly point out what I have been saying to myself about the money and the phone . I am kinda hanging onto the phone right now because it is my only way of accessing support, when I get some money together I will change it for an android phone which is easier to lock down . On the one hand I feel I am playing with fire and on the other I can’t do without the support .

I really don’t feel I have anyone who can take care of my money . I don’t feel I have anyone who can carry the load for a little while while I go to GA. In fact I feel maybe gambling has masked a lot of stuff and now I have woken up . I feel I am a remote , I am an island – and the support I am getting online is boats calling by to visit .

I am so glad your boss looks after your wages – what a difference someone like that can make to your life .

Geordie , if I can give you a bit of guidance- I think it was Harry who once advised me when I held him up as someone I looked up to and I misread a post and thought he gambled- he said we could let people inspire us but never hold them too highly as if they relapse it can shatter our recovery too.
You have done as well as anyone on here .

You are also working the steps and giving back – there are not too many on here who would take the time to write a post with the thought and depth you just did . I see you as an example of someone working the steps because I never knew until very recently that supporting others was part of the GA philosophy and how many on here write they attend GA.

Genuinely trying to help others is not the action of a judgemental person – I am glad you have voiced some things that have been going on in my head.

A huge change for me is that I no longer see the big win as my escape – I see not gambling and having savings As my escape from anything Which I need to escape .

So thank you for your enormously helpful post and also for being an example to us newbies of how to really work those steps .

[i-did-it]

Thank you Geordie ,
I have changed some things in order to make it more difficult to gamble –
I have disabled my PayPal account , have a large portion of my wages going to an account I cannot easily access and I have been paying extra off credit cards which means I have little left to play around with. I do still have access to money but not it is a joint account and in truth there is so little left in there I have been quite frugal even with all my purchases .more importantly for me I have very limited internet access .

Today is day 14 – two weeks gamble free.
People talk about not getting complacent about gambling –
The real danger is getting complacent about the other things in life which are important because we are so focused on not gambling .
My recent stress it turns out has been through my own complacency – not gambling is great and to be celebrated but I would prefer to be gambling thousands than go through the last few days . Turns out the issue has been my own complacency. I have learned a hard lesson .
So starting week two on quite a low – gambling still
Takes up too much of my time and thoughts – not through action and anymore but through reading , writing and thinking about recovery.
The urges are now fleeting – they come, I consider them and they go .

Vera hit the nail on the head – it is all about mindset .

Starting week two – aware that I cannot take my finger off the pulse on all the other important things in life .

[i-did-it]

My night time post .
When I wake tomorrow I will be on day fourteen- two full weeks .
And if I’m honest probably the first two weeks in decades which have been totally gamble free.
The thing about being totally gamble free is is takes away the ifs, buts and maybes and gives you certainty .
I am certain that if I save some of my wages I will have money for holidays and treats.
These things will not be dependent on if I win, but next time or maybe my luck will change .
It is so much easier to live with a lot of certainty in your life .

The past few days have been difficult and Today has turned out to be one of the worse days I have had in years in my personal life – I am so relieved I do not have gambling to add to my worries .

Life throws us all curveballs – they are an inevitable part of life.
Gambling would make things a hundred times worse .

[i-did-it]

Well done Mark – you are certainly doing really well.
It’s good that you are getting time to spend with family as well as working .
I don’t know how you manage to fit gym and bike riding in also – very impressive .
Keep strong – Christmas will be ok

[i-did-it]

Well done Micky – thank u for your post on my thread- I think it’s a great idea we support each other – this is my last time giving up – this time it is forever – so guess u will always be two days ahead of me forever lol- well done on ur fifteen days .

[i-did-it]

Thank you Micky and you are so right Geordie .
I can’t really write about it here but I have had one of really most terrible days I have ever had as a parent and I am posting tonight –
It is better that I am gamble free and can give my energy to this – it is not better that I have no distraction to focus on .

I wondered several times today if I was having a heart attack – or if stress can be so severe that it would catapult us into insanity .
My morning post is 12 hours late but here it is .
Day 13- almost two weeks .
I did my best today – hope it’s been good enough .

[i-did-it]

Thank you Monica –
It is very late and I have a very early meeting but it’s working for me to post before gong to sleep and again in the morning.
Tomorrow will be day 13- almost two weeks .

Feeling strong , positive and productive .

[i-did-it]

Monica ,
I truly believe God walks with us and we can never fall too low for Him.
Although I would love not to have it , I also know that this addiction has made me a much better person – I have compassion for others with addiction – I have compassion for mothers who fall short of society’s expectations – I feel no matter what our background in terms of finance, education or the position in life we are born into – we are all so more equal than we might like to think we are and given the right opportunity or lack of opportunity we can all fall as low as it is possible to.
I am so glad you no longer think about suicide – isn’t it so much better to be here and suffer a little (or a lot)?
Isn’t it great to see the amazing sun rise every morning and know that God provides for the birds and animals and he will provide for us too.
We are here for a reason Monica – and we might never know what that reason is , but God has his own plans for each and every one of us .

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica ,
You make so many excellent points – I am reading and nodding my head .
I guess I am fortunate in that usually once I stop gambling I very quickly feel better – I can’t imagine what it must be like to still feel low so long after – I guess it depends on a lot of other factors, like ability to earn a living , underlying health issues – physical or mental and the support we have in life .
It makes me sad to think you had to walk to far when you were feeling ill but also I want to applaud you for your resilience.
I think you could write a book on resilience Monica .

I hope you feel better soon- antibiotics can be heavy on the system so well done for sticking up on the live produce.
Hope you feel up to writing lots soon.

[i-did-it]

It’s day 12.
Counting the days seems to be really helping .
Writing on here seems to be really helping.
Charles group really helps.

Man from GA texted me last night .
Such lovely people – as Vera put it – real people!

Have to be honest groups have gone a little strange and somewhat weird . It feels like it has become couples therapy rather than support. . Perhaps GT would consider running a couples group for those who don’t want to text or viber each other and need to air stuff in a public forum? Just a thought .!

Well that’s about it – I am happy , strong , gamble free and ready to face whatever the day throws at me !

[i-did-it]

Day 12 tomorrow-
Very sleepy tonight so short post
Had lovely evening with my child and managed to attend bits of a few groups .
It’s sometimes hard but children must come first and they need our time and energy .
Had interesting chat in group tonight however about how if we stop accessing support we are not doing right by our children.
Very draining day -but a fulfilling one .
Feel I am making the right decisions, being decisive and proactive.
Life doesn’t just happen for us – life doesn’t just happen for our kids – we make it happen.
Today I am realising that too much support is as selfish as too little when we have people who depend on us . It’s kinda all about us – we might as well be in a casino still.

Feeling hopeful, feeling optimistic , feeling progress happening , feeling grateful to God .

[i-did-it]

Fab poem Vera – although I had to look up what the golden mean meant !!
Excellent indeed !

[i-did-it]

Fab poem Vera – although I had to look up what the golden mean meant !!
Excellent indeed !

[i-did-it]

Thank you Geordie for your encouraging post . I am going to remember that prayer. I can’t change others but I can change how they impact on me . That is my choice .

Today as I was waking I knew I would not attend GA tonight – I got nervous about the long drive . What if I break down? My gambling addiction means that I have a very old car . No one even knows I am going there.
The nights are darker than a few weeks ago . So many reasons not to go but in truth it is not going to work for me to drive so far every week as winter approaches . ( you did say so Charles). Im not sure I’m ready to find a closer meeting .

This negative thinking must have had a knock on effect because then I didn’t want to write on my thread this morning- I try to write morning and night. It helps me stay focused. So I have just decided this is going to be one of those things that must be done each morning like brushing my teeth.
I am tired today – woke far too early .
Out of coffee .
Need to be super aware of how I am feeling and how this can impact on my attitude towards recovery.
Today is day 11- I will not gamble today .
Feelings come and go – recovery can be permanent .

[Author]

Posts