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Day 18- feeling happy and enormously relieved.
I also feel kind of frightened today.
I feel frightened of where I would be if I hadn’t stopped.
I feel frightened of where I will be if I return to gambling .

If God allows my health to prevail I still have over an decade to work before I retire . I can turn a lot of things around by having a more responsible attitude to money. I also know that everything can change in the blink of an eye.
It is time to be sensible in life and make the right decisions.
Another change I didn’t mention in my earlier post is that I have totally accepted is that I will never be saved by a big win.
It’s down to me .

Day 18- something is making me feel scared about the future .
I am scared that I won’t have enough time to pull it back together.
However I know that whatever happens in the future just for today I will not gamble

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Hi Monica ,
I am sorry I have not much experience in this area . Vera’s advice sound good. It is definitely not a matter of snapping out of it – I want to help you right now – I’m just not sure I know how .
I know you didn’t feel up to group last night but perhaps you might be able to chat one to one on the helpline – it is open during the day .

I hope today is brighter for you and your hope you have been able to get a good sleep.
I think Vera’s suggestion of voluntary work is an excellent one and you never know what doors it will open in terms of employment .
I so hope you are feeling a little better today Monica .

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Thank you Laura and Micky
Laura I think you may be right – funny when I am in action (was in action – that’s my past) I thought I had no problems except a gambling addiction – now I am clean for a short while I can see a host of issues I have – so yes your iceberg sounds about right .
Micky we are doing well- clocking up our days nicely – I was happy to read in your thread u are having a nice calm day .
So tomorrow is day 18- the days are adding up –
I am feeling hopeful, blessed and positive.
God is walking with me
“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10

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HI Laura – just dropped by to say that was the most shocking online group I was ever in -anywhere .
Am still shaking with shock.
I had asked another member to join and I’m so glad she didn’t.
I suspect that alcohol may have played a part .

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Ah Monica – you have had a lot going on-
You have been ill – that takes a lot out of you.
You have that helicobacter thing.
A lot of research says our digestive system is closely related to our mental wellbeing . Being unwell is dragging you down a bit .
Your life is far from over .
You have so much to offer and a family which is relying on you – and not for money .
You don’t have to buy expensive gifts – it’s hard for us to accept this but we really don’t .
You have a daughter who has gone from being incredibly low to feeling able to look forward to a holiday – that is thanks to you being there .
You have a mum and sister who worry about u and love u .
I’m not sure about pain and growth – I would rather eat and grow – but we all go through bad times but one thing I have learned is that they always get better .

Things will get better Monica – Christmas will be ok – you will see..
Can u make it to chat now ?

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Thank you Laura for your post ,
Ok I have decided I am not in real recovery yet but I think I am tiptoeing towards it -I am a slow walker.
Today is day 17- it feels good to have clocked up so many days. It feels nothing short of miraculous .
Because it hasn’t been all that difficult and yet only a few short weeks ago I was writing that I am afraid I will never stop.

What have I done differently ?

I have written on here diligently and honestly ON MY OWN THREAD.
I have attended GA .
I have stopped ALL gambling and am super aware of anything that even hints at gambling .
I have taken steps to avoid triggers(people in my case ) no matter how difficult hat has been for me .
I have become more open in my finances
I have fixed any shortcuts I could have taken with my phone blocker

What have I continued with ?

I have continued to attend online groups and online chats .
I have not given up financial control
I have continued to pay for my phone gambling blocker
I have continued to post on other’s threads and encourage them where I can.

P nailed it – she always said if what you are doing is not working, add more . Laura , I think that is what you are saying also- if all the support I currently have is not enough , add more support,

I never thought my gambling was masking anything- today I am just realising that although I push myself to do stuff I feel afraid of a lot of situations- I was afraid to go to GA- I stayed online with Charles until I was in the room- i was afraid I mite end up in a room full or worse in a room with one or two dangerous men. I was afraid walking to my car after and kept checking none of them followed me – I know it must read very silly to others – a helpful text last week to tell me the venue had changed started a fear that I was being duped into going into an unsafe situation.- I really don’t feel very safe in life – I don’t think I have the quick thinking and energy to leave dangerous situations which I had in my youth – and yet now I have the wisdom not to get into those situations-
I think maybe if I went to counselling it might help with these fears- -but I’m kinda afraid to go …

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Laura – sorry our meeting in chat wa so brief – please do not gamble . It will make everything that’s bad in ur life so much worse – but of course U know this and of course u won’t !
I hope get some relief from the pain Laura -wish I could give you some helpful advice but just know I will be praying for u .

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Hi doubledowner ,
Well done on seeking help . I’m sure it’s on here have lost that kind of money – I have never added what I lost but I have won and los the kind of sums you describe in under an hour online .
It is a horrible addiction but one which can absolutely be controlled . It sounds to me that you need to get someone to look after your money fast – can u think of anyone who could help you – if you have money left could u out it in an account you cannot access easily.
Really you can beat this – grief is so horrible and I know that feeling of wanting to escape it – but it so something we all go through at some stage in our lives and it does get easier –
Life is hard enough sometimes – we don’t deserve to make it harder by gambling .
Are u close to GA- there is an online chat at gamblers anonymous UK- and there will always be someone along to talk to in a while – hope this helps

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Ah Geordie ,
I so wish I hadn’t deleted my post now .
I kinda chickened out of the honesty thing.
I get so panicked when I say what I really am feeling .
I actually went to the online support after I wrote that post , bents Sam’s ear and my battery was so low then I had to delete as I couldn’t edit .

I have discussed with my mum several times – it is strange – she likes us all to be in it together . When we go I spend ten times what they do – so I guess I am more addicted than them. I don’t know . I just know for now I need to give myself breathing space.
I wrote already – I like how you write .
If you have something to say you explain it simply, at length and with no room for ambiguity .
I don’t have to second guess your motives – cos what u are saying is stated so clearly . Sometimes I feel a little stir of something – it’s not anger but I want to argue with you – like when you rightly pointed out about my phone – (which i still have )- but I think it’s because I know you are right . I find your posts very constructive and I find they challenge in a positive way . Maybe it’s because you had to work so hard for recovery you get it . I don’t know – I was expecting you to tell me off for my last post – but like I said you seem to get it .

I am not being completely honest on here – but I am not telling any untruths – just some stuff I am afraid will identify me or I don’t feel this is the place to write about it . I still hold fear about writing about my marriage for example, and when I do I get responses like take the plank out of my own eye . It is unhelpful to feel unheard or for people to impose their own views on my situation. In truth I sometimes feel quite domineered.

The part of recovery I struggle with most is honesty . I am kinda hoping things will be ok and I can obliterate the past number of years from my memory and never talk about it again. I hope I change as my recovery progresses . I hope I can face telling the truth to the people I should be able to trust with it – not quite sure who they are at the moment .

Maybe I am in real recovery now because my recent posts are as honest as I have ever been .
Day 16 today – half way through the month .

I know I will not gamble today .

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Thank u Geordie .
I had a reply which I deleted. Wanted to edit but battery power too low
I will reply in full later

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Thanks Micky and thanks Vera for ur posts –

Vera like I wrote , in truth nothing sabatages my recovery except me . Visiting without money wouldn’t make a bit of difference – is if I was on a sabotage mission I would get it from somewhere/ someone.

I feel
It’s safest not to visit just now and I don’t think the visit will happen the other way -I will visit when I hAve a month or more behind me .

Something I never really understood was the concept of an excuse to gamble – people talk about picking fights so they had an excuse to gamble – maybe I am much worse than other people but I never needed an excuse to gamble – I just loved to gamble and wanted to- I am going to stop this line of writing because memories are returning and for now I am trying to squash urges before they take hold . Maybe in the future I might be strong enough to analyse my urges to see if there is a reason or an excuse, but for now I am avoiding them.

I will be on day 16 in the morning – half a month.
Not bad for someone who couldn’t stop!
Feeling happy, less strong, less hopeful than usual but tucked up in bed safe.
.

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Day 15. – week three.
Even when I had gamble free days in the past I’m not sure I ever went completely gamble free. I gradually added more until I was back to where I started.
So I would do the lottery , do a trip to bingo, end up playing the slots there and tell myself it was ok because I wasn’t blowing hundreds and thousands online – I then would tell myself I had only given up online gambling .

This is better – no gambling means the urges have died down considerably. I have not gambled at all since payday and half way through the month I have saved a little , paid off a little and can look forward a little.

I have two weekends away to look forward to .

It has come at a cost – I have not visited someone very close who also has a gambling addiction- being with her sabotages my recovery every single attempt- in truth it’s me not her – just it always seems that’s it’s ok because we will go together , it is sociable , we will spend time together ( yeah right ??), I will limit what I spend and next thing I am back in action.

Lessons from the past , looking forward to the future but just for today I will not gamble .

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Hi Monica ,
How are things ?
How are you feeling today ?

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My night time post – so I made it through day 14- when I wake tomorrow I will be on week three . Can’t quite believe it .

I went to the shop late tonight and when I was paying at the till I had a strange urge to go home and gamble .
In reality it was more like a deja vu but just goes to show how deeply ingrained the habit is – many times I was impatient to make my late night purchase so I could get back to my great love – gambling. That was also the shop where I set up many of my methods to get around every barrier known to man.

I guess I had an urge , I dealt with it and I’m moving on.

I start week three tomorrow.
Geordie is very right when he tells me to get to GA.
I need to go . I need all the support I can get .

I managed to make it to a group tonight and people pointed out that I have had a really bad week and still didn’t gamble and that is real progress . I hadn’t thought of that so it kinda made me feel pleased and somehow even more motivated .

Now that week three is about to begin I am thinking can I make it to four weeks? – I am impatient – I want to see the days clock up. I am also aware that impatience is one of my character flaws which led me to gamble – so I am trying to keep focused on today .

That’s me until morn.

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Hi Johnny , I agree with Geordie – that is a great post – I can also identify with the impatience for wealth rather than plodding away at it .
Since I attended. My first GA meeting I read post In a new way – it is helpful when I can clearly see “the steps” in action – you honesty about the reasons behind you gambling is very refreshing .
Well done on your almost 300 days Johnny .

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