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Day 21 – at the end of today I will be three weeks free-

Feels like forever since I gambled

Thanks Vera and Micky for your posts

I’m not sure what I was missing last night – when I think about gambling this morning it feels dirty- the kind of dirty where you have to hide .
I remember going to land casinos and how I could hardly breathe as I walked through the doors – I remember how I tried to look “normal” as even on the walk there I felt full of shame . I felt everyone was looking at me and thinking what a “dirty”” person.

I remember glancing at the cashiers with a slight look of shame and then walking to my machine and feeling a sense of relief, calm and anticipation.
When I discovered online slots my dirty little secret became even more secret – although I didn’t have the walk of shame – online gambling meant the disease progressed at an alarming rate.

Here I am today – three full weeks gamble free- I can feel the urges simmering somewhere beneath the surface but not really bubbling to to top- they are waiting for an opportunity – the bully in my head is waiting until I am weak , until my awareness drops , until it knows i am powerless to resist .

The thing is I don’t have to be powerless . I can take the Power now while I am strong and put things in place which will prevent the bully from overpowering me .
In life I would avoid always a bully – I can avoid the bully in my head too.

Day 21 – just for today I will not gamble .

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Thank you Geordie and Laura – it’s so nice to have posts on my thread but I know at times I post everywhere and at times I can’t face it . I really appreciate everyone who takes the time to write me .

In the morning I will be on day 21- three full weeks since I stayed up practically all night gambling and went to work on two hours sleep- or an attempted two hours sleep .
It feels like forever since I gambled and yes I can feel complacency starting to creep in- and even a few urges .
I am forgetting how bad it was – I am forgetting how horrible I felt with no sleep and no money .

This is where Geordie’s point about keeping up support long after you have stopped gambling makes sense .
We need to go to GA and hear the newbies who are in the depth of pain. I now understand why the man I texted at GA thanked me for helping him – I did help him – I helped him remember the pain.

So tomorrow I have reached three full weeks .
And tonight I am kinda missing gambling.
But I also know not to trust feelings – actions are what matters and there will be no gambling action tonight .
Nite all.

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Hi Monica – I just missed you in open group – groups aren’t quite the same anymore !!!
I so get that – I am so impatient and yet such a big procrastinator . Impatient for things to happen that don’t involve me making any effort maybe- never really thought about it like that before .

Look after your health Monica – it’s our best asset .

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Thank you for your post Monica .
I sometimes find I get so caught up in work I forget what I am actually working for – to provide for my family .
Of course when I was gambling I could have worked a quarter of the hours and still had the same amount of money .
I guess I will be playing catchup for the next number of years.
One thing that not gambling has made me realise is that I don’t have to forever climb the career ladder.
It is ok to stop and say this is where I am comfortable – this is the amount of time, stress and mind space I am going to give to this job. The rest of for family and myself .
What ever it was that I was searching for in my career , my gambling and any other distractions has been here under my nose all along .

Today is day 20- almost three weeks .
It hasn’t been all that difficult . The urges have been few.
I have not yet been tested by an urge which is like a juggernaut – I am hoping that by saying completely gamble free such an urge does not get the opportunity to take hold .

I have given up on the big win.
I have given up on winning back .

I know hard work and sacrifice – making the right choices , being less impulsive – I know if I do these things for a few years I will have a really good life .

I know what is important in life and it isn’t some big job title which I need to have an addiction of some kind to manage .

I am happy today a I know at last I am capable of making good decisions for the right reasons .

I am not going to say onwards and upwards – I am going to say keep plodding slowly , carefully and with purpose .

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Hi chalsteve,
I am from the other forum so I hope you don’t mind me writing to you on here .
Your son is truly blessed to have such a caring dad .
I can see the stress this addiction is having on you as a family.
You say you can see no end to this addiction so I thought it might be helpful for you to pop over to the other forum and read about people who are controlling it – Vera, Geordie , P and Kathryn spring to mind – they have each built up a considerable amount of gamble free time .

It is probably not very helpful to you but I Read your post this morning and something in it really inspired me in my own recovery – I cannot quite put my finger on what it was – but thank you .

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Sometimes when I read posts on this site I feel
I fall short .
I love your reply Monica and try as I might I cannot put words together the way others do on here.
But I do my best and I guess that’s what counts .

I am blissfully happy tonight .
Not because I am on day 20 tomorrow …
Not because I have fewer urges …
But because I think I am starting to leave absintence behind and really enter recovery .

I put my laziness aside today and pushed myself to do stuff.
Some of that stuff involved making sure my son took responsibility for stuff in his life .

I was truly inspired by a post on f and f I read this morning.
I’m not sure what is was about the post- I think it was the strength this dad is showing despite the worries he has about his son .
I’m not sure why this post impacted upon me but it spurred me on to do things , to take action with my own son.

We have had a great day – not going bowling or to the movies , but simply doing chores together and sitting together with homework .

I realised that I need to take some responsibility for teaching my son responsibility – he hasn’t had the best role model to date .
I have found it harder to connect with my son since he got older -today I realised I haven’t put the time into connecting.
Plain and simple. -I have been too distracted .

Day 20 tomorrow – feeling so blessed , so happy and so positive

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We have all been there Eraser – it’s absolutely horrible .

I have had years of people kinda accepting I would slip.
Recently Geordie has been posting more regularly on my thread and despite wanting to slap him at times (lol) I really find his direct no bulls*** way of challenging me is exactly what I need. I no longer accept for myself that slips are an inevitable part of quitting .

I wrote on this site earlier that people go on and on about straight talking , about us not wanting to hear the things we need to – but they are so cryptic that mostly I have no idea what I am meant to be hearing except I feel put down and criticised for something I have written which has been picked apart and taken completely out of context .

With Geordie straight talking is straight talking – he tells it as it is – and he is able to do that cos he has beeen through it .
I think in his genuine desire to save us from the pain of relapse after relapse he can come across little over zealous at times , but if we see past that and really listen and hear – we can avoid this pain .
I guess the question is how well can we learn from the experience of others when it comes to addiction ?
Is it a journey we all have to travel ourselves ?
I don’t have the answer – I just hope Eraser you don’t have to feel this horrible pain again.
Saying a prayer for you tonight .

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Hi Monica ,
Thank you for your post on my thread –
It is great to hear you sounding more positive – you are getting your breakthrough .
Your poem was excellent – I wrote there sometimes but I know I am no poet – however while I detest reading back over my thread and often delete it , I love to read back over my “poetry”. Sometimes just reading back can help me recapture a feeling of joy , motivation or gratitude -.
Monica I am thinking you spoke to a kindly doctor ,
Who took time to listen , who heard and how that will have lifted your spirits .
Too often in life we feel unheard .
I have attended Alpha which is cross denominational and honestly the issue of straight/gay never came up . It was more about developing a personal relationship with God but if it makes you uncomfortable you are right not to attend .”
I am going to look up your pippa merivale .

I am so glad you feel better Monica.
I hope all goes well with the tests .
Keep posting !

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Day 19-
Hurricane Ophelia has passed and it seems life has returned to normal- when the country was in lock down yesterday I did not know how to fill my time- instead of making the most of unexpected time in the house I spent most of the day using online support sites – today I am thinking maybe it is just as well. Maybe I am not yet ready for those unexpected days yet and although I feel I wasted the day at least I did not gamble . I stayed up much too late and realised I was having urges – a lot of my gambling was done after the rest of the family was in bed – old habits die hard .
I am two days off three weeks – the time doesn’t seem to be going so fast now – it seems like forever since I gambled .
I feel the impatience which is one of my biggest faults returning.
I was reading Lizbeth’s thread and I was completely awestruck by her honesty and her determination – it made me remember lots of the stuff I used to post –

in my life there is someone who treats me in a most disrespectful manner – it hurts most not because of how I am spoken to but because it happens often in front of my child. It should hurt because I am worth more – but it really doesn’t .
I talked last night on group about how I often cannot be bothered to assert myself because I feel numb- like what’s the big deal – like it doesn’t really matter .
I sometimes cannot believe the mistakes I have made in life – I cannot believe where I have ended up .

The great thing about not gambling is we end up eventually having money – and money gives us choices . In many ways it suits the “non-cg ” partner for us to have an addiction – we are never going anywhere if we are skint . Maybe that’s all part of enabling – I am starting to think that enabling is a form
Of control… and of course they are always the victims and we are always in the wrong .
When your life and your happiness feels controlled by others you seek escape – sometimes the wrong escape .
Today I am thinking I do not need to seek escape – I need to make decisions – decisions which will make me happy and send a clear message to my child that we are all worth it .
I need to plan my life a little instead of following the impulsive course it always has –
That planning might involve staying- it might mean going – but it will definitely mean what has gradually become acceptable will no longer be acceptable .
This lady is learning from others on here – I see my story reflected in the pages of others on both forums –

Not all our stories are the same – but we all deserve total respect and once we reach adulthood , we should be allowed or control our own lives.

Day 19 – and reality is hitting hard .

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Hi Eraser , can I ask where the payday loan money is because tomorrow night you could be facing bill money and payday loan all gone .
Please put whatever barriers you can into Place tonight so it is impossible for u to gamble tomorrow . Go out now and post your cards to yourself if you need to .
This doesn’t have to get worse Eraser -. No matter how u feel now the money is never coming back – a win will just make u want to gamble more .

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Monica – this poem really touched me –
Thank you for sharing

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Monica – this poem really touched me –
Thank you for sharing

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That’s brilliant Micky that my post spoke to you in some way.

In the morning I will be on day 19-
I am trying to take one day at a time but sometimes it’s hard not to look ahead. I am kinda getting excited that I am nearly on week three …
Now while I have tackled small things there had been more abstinence that recovery in this 19 days .
I am not sure why but I seem to be so bored and unable to manage time on my hands – I remember before I gambled regularly I never watched tv- my life was just too full for it – now I can’t think of anything else to do .

I need to plan but my brain comes up empty. I really don’t have that many interests left- some of my old interests I am gone to old, fat or stiff for .

It’s like huge parts of my brain have shut down or gone rusty.

Still I will take abstinence over gambling every day

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Great post P- we have a lot to be grateful for and no matter what anxieties we face they are far les when we are not gambling .
Well done on your self awareness to realise that the wine had weakened your defences and planning how to avoid getting in that situation again.
So glad you are posting again P- maybe u will be in the groups tonight?

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Delighted to read you are attending service on Sundays Micky. Sometimes (often) I find it hard to feel God’s presence – it is then I need to read my bible to feel closer- often I forget -I am glad that verse helped you today .

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