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I hear you Monica .
I guess in a way you are starting out again but in another way you have years of experience behind you .
You are so right about living in poverty -would you consider a job which didn’t match your qualifications and experience (ie a lower paid job) to tide you over while you deal with all this change in your life ?
I think there is always extra work coming up to Christmas – or would it be worth it with so much to pay out ?

I think the important thing right now is to get yourself to a healthy place in body and mind – it is hard enough to deal with this stuff when we are well never mind when our health is not good

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Day 24.
Went to bed really late .
Woke up really early .
Have made some decisions –
Realised things mostly because of the bitterness I feel today .
– it’s like I have been given a rude awakening .
Things will change in my life – some people may not like those changes- that’s their issue not mine .
My priorities have been all wrong . They are changing – they have changed
There will be dinner and a nice smile to greet my child every day when he arrives in from school because I will be there !
It’s a dangerous strategy to reward the slackers – you might find everyone else learns from them .

Looking forward to my improved work-life balance .

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Hi Monica
It was nice talking to you in chat.
I believe I have heard on here that you shouldn’t try to kick more than one addiction at a time , so maybe you should stop beating yourself up about smoking for a little while- it would be one “have to do” off your shoulders . A little relief from one pressure .then perhaps set a date to stop – like when u reach six months gamble free? Of course I am not a smoker so others may disagree with me completely.

Yes we were talking about reinventing ourselves and decided that it is difficult to do without money .
How about today we make an effort to get some stuff on eBay – maybe some old work clothes we will never wear again.
It might make only make us a fiver or tenner , but it will remind us that there are many avenues to make our living and that we are not as trapped a s we think … and a little bit of cash is better than no cash .
Some people though have described becoming addicted to eBay in a similar way as to gambling – always checking for the next bid (win) . I’m not sure therefore if eBay isn’t a sneaky way of keeping the addiction alive .

Monica – did u pay a pension while you worked ? I think there is some new law where you can cash your pension in from age 55, but maybe you are not old enough to do this .
Perhaps you have paid a pension somewhere where you worked over the years and there could be a little in the pot now ? I guess you have done all that stuff like checking the tax man owes you nothing or ppi ?

I am writing a lot of financial stuff but I guess I am aiming it at myself too.
Monica -I am in a similar position with myself with work and bankruptcy.
I opened all the letters and put one from each company in front of me and rang them one by one and set up a repayment plan I could afford with each company – I had tried it before and the man was really rude to me and that put me off for another two years .
I simply said “I am thinking of declaring myself bankrupt , but maybe you could offer me a repayment plan?”
Everyone did – they stopped interest and many of my repayments became Lower than the minimum payments I had been making – it’s taking a long time to pay but soemmcards are completely cleared off and all are coming down. They take your expenditure into account – even things like your pet food and vets bills .
So open letters – if you can’t pay right now they will postpone it . It will be such a relief to stop the Calls and the letters . I haven’t had them for quite a few years .
Hope some of this is helpful Monic a .

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Johnny ,
It’s terrible to admit but the discussions between you and Geordie were compulsive reading and the subject matter meant great learning for the rest of us –
We all feel how we feel on a particular day – my last thread opened with about twenty conditions prohibiting people from contradicting me .
Work – I can hardly even say that word right now – in seconds my rewarding , fulfilling and daily disbelief about how privileged I am to have such a great career has disintegrated into bitterness and my mind is consumed with how I can be passive aggressive enough to let people know just how annoyed I am . I admire that you are looking for ways to improve – it is stark contrast to how I feel right now .

After reading another few pages of my book (lol) I can now state with confidence that the reason some GA groups are not so successful is that they do not focus on the steps – I mean they do not focus on explaining them and how to live them.
To be honest I liked GA cos I felt I wasn’t the only loser (literally ) in the world , but if someone did reference the steps it s was fleetingly . How can anyone follow the steps if we don’t know what the steps are and how to follow them.
I admit I am powerless – I knew that long before I set foot in ga- someone handing me a leaflet with those words written on it is not going to change my life . I think maybe some of the anonymous groups are so busy getting on with how wonderful they have been that week that they forget there are those of us who have no idea what the steps are or mean .

I think you would make a great sponsor. -go for it .

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Thank you P- I hope things settle as I am going from resigned and happy with my life to tearful all day . I feel like a “has been”.
Thank you also Johnny – I read your post on your own thread – it filled me with hope .

I noticed Rainman has just posted – it’s been a while since He posted on here so I read over his thread –
There was a post written by me on there advising him how I had finally stopped and stayed stopped – it was from 2016. I was giving him advice because I knew what to do .
I felt kinda embarrassed reading it but then the penny dropped .
None of us can ever say we “stayed stopped ”
We can number the days but really every day is a day one
Every day is a day when we have to work hard at not gambling, because all of us are just one gamble away from being back to where we started .
Tomorrow I will be 24 days gamble free.
Tomorrow is another day when I will not gamble .
I will never be able gamble like people who can gamble and stop.
My body works differently.
Day 24 tomorrow
Feeling regretful tonight as I look back and wish I could change the past .

Ps. Please don’t quote the serenity prayer to me lol.

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Hi Johnny ,
I found this book last night in a charity box and would normally never have chosen it except there was not time to search through for something “lighter”
It is called” a program for you ” and it is like a guide to go with the AA big book , which incidentally I have never heard of until now .
I’m still on the first chapter and you keep coming into my head . I hope I am not lecturing you – I have never gotten anywhere close to 300 days so yes I believe you must be Doing a lot of things right .
It says that at the start of AA back last century the recovery rate was about 75%. Nowadays different meetings follow a watered -down version of AA – and the recovery rate isn’t nearly so high. It says that alcoholism hasn’t changed – it is still the same disease – so why do people think the program which has worked so well in the past can be treated like a menu where you chose the bits you want to and leave the rest – I am not saying that is what you are doing but I think maybe that is what the previous long discussions were about .

I think Geordie was trying to explain to you what his experience has taught him – I think if you two were sitting down chatting you would have seen each other’s facial expressions and known straight away that the other was coming from a good place.

I have had an interesting experience on here recently- I mistook who a post was from thought oh that’s so nice – when I checked i was shocked because I would have interpreted it entirely differently if I had read the correct name at the start.

It is difficult because how we interpret each post depends on everything from our mood to the image of the person we have conjured in our minds – they may even remind us a “told you so” that we know .

I guess what I’m saying if that if someone takes the time to write you a long post they might be seeing warning bells based on their own experience – they may be completely wrong but that doesn’t mean their motives are wrong.

Congratulations on your gamble free time and keep posting .

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Thank you Vera and Monica for your replies .

Both of you give really good advice -and reading it has lifted me . I am blessed in so many ways and I realise that the People on here are part of that blessing . Both your posts have reinforced what I have been thinking .
I feel a little better – I went and looked up quotes from the bible on doors closing .
And as I read I realised I had poured so much energy and genuine caring into one area of my life I maybe hadn’t taken the time to pursue other things which I have always wanted to do.
I realised that a door closing really is another door opening because it makes us take stock of where our lives are at.

I realised it was always going to be me because I am always the one who would carry on regardless and be there to pick up everybody else’s pieces. I am the one who had a sense of duty bordering on being a doormat which would never allow be to slack or huff . I am realising that while I have many faults it is my good qualities that have strangely gone against me in this instance – no one has to tip toe around me.

So I have decided that is no longer me – I am not going to be bitter and twisted – but I am taking my time back pursue things for me . If people want to perceive my actions as sour grapes that is none of my business . I am taking my time back and I am using it for me .

I feel a door opening – a really big one- a really great one .

I am starting to see that this isn’t a set back – this is a time for me to follow a big dream that has always seemed impossible.

I might sound like I have gone crazy but I have always bounced back fast – I am a perpetual optimist – which is probably why I found gambling so attractive .

It’s day 23 and change is happening and I am excited about it . When one door closes , sometimes it’s not worth the personal effort of tying to reopen it . A closed door means looking for open ones .
Today I am saying
Onwards and upwards

( I might be on here crying again later lol- change is unsettling)

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Monica ,I won’t go near that site .
My mindset has changed .
But I will email them right now and try close it.
They are relentless

Day 23 – still feeling low and hurt .
It is what it is – I have never been bitter , jealous or resentful.
I always thought it wasn’t in my nature.

Maybe gambling masked my true nature.
Maybe I’m not as forgiving as I thought.
Maybe I’m no longer jolly old ??? who won’t mind.

I don’t really know – but I feel my goodwill slowly evaporating.
No I find it is evaporating at an alarming rate.
I find myself inventing all kinds of scenarios in my head where I will win a minor victory – in a passive aggressive way .
I feel such a resentment growing – how do you survive the unfairness of the world and still stay soft inside ?
Do people remain soft or do we have to harden?
What’s the best way to recover when you have been dropped from a great height ?
Anyone know ?
I always heard the best revenge is to live well – bit hard when u have gambled every spare penny you have had for years .

If writing is so therapeutic why am I crying so much …?
Is this what a breakdown is ?

I don’t know the answers to any of the above but I am glad I am not gambling .

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There were all kinds of hoops to jump through to close the account Monica so I set all the limits
So low I couldn’t deposit .
I needed to stop immediately at the time .

Now I think it was a mistake – then I felt I had no choice

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Hi Monica and Geordie ,
Will tell I what I did in group ..
Sitting by a nice open fire now relaxing .
Well I’m trying to relax.

Tomorrow is day 23.
I guess a good thing is that I haven’t felt like gambling .
I did however get an email from a casino I haven’t visited in ages to tell me that there was money in my account .
It didn’t say how much – I had to log in to find out .
It was so tempting
I cannot stop these emails without logging I to the account so I guess I’m stuck with them.
Falling asleep as I write this – nothing like a coal fire

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Thank u Lizbeth – my day has gotten progressively worse – not true actually – mymood has gotten progressively worse . So I have decided to take action and do something I want to do – and no spoilt moaning husband or children are going to stand in my way . This mama means business !

People talk about gamblers being selfish- wonder did anyone ever think it’s the selfishness of non gamblers that drives us to try to grab a little of life for ourselves – except we endedup doing it the wrong way .
I am rewriting the rules in my house – I no longer come last – my feelings or needs no longer come last – I will continue to support and care for everyone but I will not sacrifice my happiness to their moods !
So off to enjoy myself on my terms and yes – u do all have to go ! Ha!

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Thank you for your reply Monica – I am running a little late this morning so will reply on your thread later.

Today is day 22- the start of week four .
Today I have had a disappointment – a let down.
I keep thinking. I am not going to let it make me bitter while all the time I am feeling a new hardness growing .
How do continue to smile when u have been s*** upon time and time again?
How do you continue to be upbeat when u feel hurt and let down ?
I guess this is where my assertiveness should Come in and I should explain why I’m upset – however experience has taught me that this is the last thing I should do .
So it’s a grin and bear it day .
It’s a carry my pain quietly day.
But it’s also a non gambling day and for that I am grateful.

Life doesn’t become perfect once we stop gambling .
It sometimes feels like it’s always me but I guess lots of people feel like that.

Not sure how I am going to lift myself today – sometimes I feel the fact that I bounce back and don’t hold grudges let’s people think I am a perpetual doormat .

Week 4- not sure how I am feeling .

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Thank you Kathryn and Monica for your continued support – we will never do the walk of shame again- at least not today , and we will never get caught up in online gambling again- at least not today .

So I start week four tomorrow .
That’s day 24.

I always think when u get to the second monthly pay check without gambling you really start to see the difference .

You have more of an idea of how much you can afford to pay back.
I saved a little and paid back a little this month – I might have left myself a little short .
It seems a be a very long month – perhaps because it crossed five weekends
I had gone through a period of time when I didn’t watch it for pay day – I knew I had enough to tide me over
I can’t wait to get there again.
I feel
Kinda relieved about some things tonight – I think talking helps and some very kind people let me talk
A lot in group .
Open group was good tonight .
You could talk more openly than in recent weeks without people misunderstanding what was being said and resorting to name calling . It was good to have that support back.
I missed it .

Not much else to add. Week four here I come.

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Hi Monica .

Was nice chatting with you tonight .
Picking up from youth post on Vera’s thread – you have so much to offer , you will get plenty of chances to handle money well.

Talk soon

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Great to Rea story are doing well Mark- I was wondering about u – keep posting .

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