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Sorry Harry .
I think I wrote that when I was looking for something to complain about – but the groups would be good !

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THe weeping , bitter me of the past number of days is gone and happy me is back , although I think I could still cry easily .

I am having such a lovely time .
I did walk past a casino and the thought did enter my mind but I know I won’t go in there . It kinda doesn’t appeal to me right now .

Today is day 30.
In a month I have not gambled on anything or taken part in any free raffles anywhere .

A month in an my mind is filled with hair style , nails and clothes .
It sounds shallow but I need to get myself looking as good as I can again – for me .
I also need to visit the dentist badly as my smile is not so good after years of neglect – however I have decided it get my facial veins Lasered first !
I guess it means my mind is returning to my normal bimbo mode now – I have also decided to buy myself a nice watch and a pandora bracelet . Is this a sign I am thinking normally about money- the bracelet this month and the watch for Christmas I think – or is this a sign I am being impulsive ?

Even before I gambled I would never buy myself things like this – I would have bought myself food , alcohol and gambled but not so much nice things – not for a lot of years .

I have got inspiration for a room I never knew what to do with and am going to start as soon as I go home – my whole
House is getting a facelift and I am so sure I will do it I have invited guests for a weekend early next year – so keep asking me what I have done please ?

That’s about it – I am rambling today ..
Feeling relaxed and happy(ish)

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Hi Monica –
A few points – I didn’t mean you to take an entry level job at m and s – I was thinking something higher up- it might be worth looking to see what they have on offer – and I guess I thought of m and s cos they don’t seem to discriminate on age – by the way if anyone from m and s is reading this I am happy to come and work in your PR dept haha.
I am having a bit of difficulty getting the videos to down load on the links Laura posted for me but wow – how come I never found such brilliant stuff in all my time of posting. I can already see that I may have an alcohol addiction in its early stages even though I don’t drink regularly cos sometimes when I start I can’t stop.

I was feeling really low and I tried to post positive things . Can’t say it helped me much that day ! So don’t compare yourself to me – I have changed from a strong resilient woman into a weeping mess !

I hope what you say about dreams is subconscious telling you something – because I had a great dream night where I met a young man on one of my trips haha. Woke with a very big smile !!

Loving my trip – money is scarce but will have enough if we are careful . I am happy today .
Impatience is a character fault of most of us with gambling addiction so thank God for those waits you had – God is doing great work in your life !
Hope you you are happy today too !
Ps gonna try make it to 2pm open group if you are about –

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Thank u Laura, Monica and P.
Laura I can’t wait to try those links you posted .
I am London for the weekend – and yeah now That I’m lying on my hotel bed I feel more relaxed .
Feeling really tired – think the past month has taken it out of me .
Monica your earlier post lifted me a lot .

So I am going to go read Laura ‘s links

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Hi Monica .-
Agism is very real and I am starting to feel it myself even though I am in my late 40s.
The forties I will not remember fondly – that’s for sure .

Of course you can still do Loads – but do you really want to ?
Do you need to replace the money in your life or could you live a simpler life .
Marks and Spencer for example – which we have been discussing a lot, seems like a great place to work and you can buy their food really cheaply if you are staff.
This is a time for reflection – so remember another option is not to push yourself so hard or feel you have to constantly get to the next rung of the ladder.

I guess maybe I am learning this lesson myself right now.

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Thank you Monica and P for your posts.
Today I have woken with extraordinary anxiety.
I head away for the weekend and to be honest I find the whole packing, going to airport etc very stressful.
Sometimes I would rather just stay home but i have to consider others in my family .
I really want to stay in bed today .
I work with lots of people and yet feel so lonely .

I have worked my whole adult life – and I’m sorry for how this will sound to those who would love to me in my position but today I am thinking I would love to stay home a year or two.

I am tired, stressed , anxious and not altogether not very happy today. Maybe it’s because I don’t have the money I expected to have in my account when this trip was planned.

Need to change the vibe .
Thank God for my well paid job.
Thank God for my recovery
Thank God for my family

Start of week 5 today – 29 days

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The end of day 28- starting week five tomorrow .
Feels like a kind of landmark.

I commented on a discussion on another thread about powerlessness .
I have to say I believe we are powerless over this addiction – I don’t believe we have to reach rock bottom- I believe we have to reach a place where we truly , with every fibre of our being , understand that we are compulsive when it comes to gambling and what that means .
It means we can never gamble on anything ever again for our whole lives . Someone is sure to say take one day at a time a- our whole lives is too long but in truth , once we believe we can never gamble again – one day becomes easy

If we hold even the tiniest hope that we can ever gamble normally then slips are inevitable .
If we hold even the tiniest hope that we can get that big win and walk away then slips are inevitable .
If we think that a win will solve any of our life problems – like our status in the eyes of others then slips are inevitable .

We will continue to gamble despite trying to stop many times BECAUSE we are powerless to do other wise

When we accept that we will never gamble again.

Sounds easy but it takes a phenomenal Change in our very being to really understand that – I don’t believe it’s about accepting it – I believe it’s about knowing it .

So we can praise others for the effort they put in , we can torture ourselves for the effort we didn’t but really it’s not about effort – it’s about knowing without a shadow of a doubt that we are completely powerless when it comes to walking away from any kind of gambling with anything more that a huge loss .

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I also worked in the food industry when I was a student – the standards in these factories was so high – u would have been sent home if you had a hair showing under your hair net.
So first we prepared for a posh store then a cheaper – the difference – we cut a bit thinner and used different boxes.
Well done on making good choices with that money 3raser

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Monica – I went to m and s tonight for dinner and thought of you.
You are right- it was the loveliest dinner n got a free wine thrown in.

So I worked out if I spent a tenner a night on dinner that is three hundred a month and when I was gambling that would be the minimum spend in a night . It seems a fortune when I think of spending that much on only dinner and yet it was a very controlled amount when I was gambling. It was a night I felt very pleased that I had only lost a little – talk about warped thinking.

In truth I thought u were being a bit snobbish about the food thing, but as I sit here with an unusually satisfied feeling in my stomach – I am thinking you really have a point . You inspired me tonight and it feels so good .

I am so pleased to read you had a lovely lunch with your son, and that you are making plans for the future.
Things will fall into place all in Gods time – I think knowing that he has been able to help you in this way will bring even more closeness between you and your son.

Monica you are a good person who has done her best by her family – maybe the pressure got too much for you and you blew it financially but that doesn’t take from all the things you did well. It is a fact or modern day life that many of us who would dearly love to have devoted more time to family never had the opportunity to choose- we had to work to survive .
Just heading to have my creme brûlée lol

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Thank you Geordie and Lizbeth- I think we have all experienced “forumism” in one form or another and I think I have invented a new word to describe when an enabler / victim / martyr of a person with an addiction feels it’s acceptable to strike out at every person with an addiction . Sorry it’s not – I guess that’s like saying if a white person steals something on u – all white People are thieves . No the f and f are not getting off with treating people badly no matter what their experiences. We all have our own personal responsibility to treat other s with respect .
Hope this helps you Lizbeth !

I take your point Geordie about even professionals make mistakes- but when we do,we apologise and accept blame to minimise damage so no I’m not accepting that get out of jail free card on behalf of any person who is too arrogant for the post they hold .

I like being gamble free – I think for the first time in my life I am learning to tell it how it is ! I am speaking up for another downtrodden and down beaten sector of society – addicts !

Addicts stand up and love yourselves – we have let others talk down to us for far too long ! I

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Day 28- I have just had an epiphany .

I have realised why the ganging up hurt me so much- even though these people don’t know me .

If I was ganged up on because of where I came from it my skin colour I would call it racism.
If I was ganged up on because of my sexuality I would perhaps call ithomophobia,
If I was ganged up on because of my sex I would call it sexism.
If I was ganged up because of my age I would call it agism.

I think I was a victim of “forumism”.
I think I was judged because of the forum I belonged to .
I was made to feel ashamed because of the forum I belonged to.
Shame is a huge part of compulsive gambling so I guess it was easy for those so inclined to play on that .
Now that I understand what was happening, I can move on- this thread is doing me good .

I think we need to accept life isn’t fair – most of the time .
There will always be people in jobs which they are totally unsuitable for . They will do damage .
That’s just life

Week four complete today and it’s starting on a sour note – I feel bitterness.

So there Geordie – I bet you wish you hadn’t mentioned my previous posts . Lol.

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Monica – I am laughing because while I love the produce in Lidl and Aldi – where I live there is a big turn over and the food is really fresh and mostly Irish produce – I refuse to buy meat and lots of other stuff in Tesco -I find the quality is far inferior /only go there is I’m completely desperate .

What kind of food is in a food bank ?

About the powerless thing – I think that means we were powerless to stop ourselves developing an addiction because how were we to know ? By the time we realise we have an addiction we have lost a lot andit is really difficult to get a foothold on the ladder of recovery –
Once we are stopped as Gerodie says it is not inevitable that we will gamble . It is based on the choices we make – do we just abstain or embrace recovery , do we leave doors open , or are our barriers set really high ?

Once we realLy hand our lives over to a higher power , e.g. GA, we then are no longer powerless as if we follow diligently all the advice we are given we will remain gamble free

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Geordie , I hold a deep mistrust of people – it’s kinda a fear of being let down or maybe put down. I am recognising this now. I am also scared of being physically hurt by people .

That woman on the f and f forum who got people to gang up on me ( played the victim when I had tried to be helpful ) had a huge impact on my ability to post honestly on here – I don’t know why – it just left me kinda paranoid .
I felt that not only would she , but also the staff who supported her – yes I am going to call it bullying – would enjoy my continued failures . I’m not sure why I felt like that but I guess when U feel bullied and u escalate it u do not expect to be then publicly attacked by the manager of the service .

I don’t know why also that your post to me helped me to put that fear behind me – now I don’t care about any of them.

There was something about your post that really helped – I think it was because U listened and u heard – u didn’t try to judge and u didn’t try to invalidate how I was feeling . Because whatever motives or opinions others wanted to attach to how I was feeling – it was still how I was feeling . I didn’t chose to feel like that no more than I chose gambling addiction.

Posting is now incredibly therapeutic for me . I do notice that when we post and say we are doing well we get far less replies than when we are miserable .
I also notice that I post an awful lot more on others’ threads than I get posts on mine . That why I am grateful to those who faithfully post to me, but I don’t keep ***** nor does it bother me .

Anyway I guess that’s why I’m more honest now – I have lost that fear or the GT staff and the f and f people . Because at the end of the day, just because they don’t have this particular addiction doesn’t mean they are any better that anyone else – or I guess any worse .

So there’s why I am more honest now – I feel more safe when I post . Somehow it feels like I have taken a huge step backwards in this post . But again it is what it is – the truth – warts and all.

Tomorrow is day 28.
Four full weeks – feels like a milestone .

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Great post P- I really recognise how you describe all those runs to the bank – the promises we make ourselves and our inability to keep them.
When in action running up debt just seems so unimportant .
To be honest it really only matters once all avenues to money are exhausted – then panic sets in.

We are not going back there ever P- well at least not for today .

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Brilliant poem Geordie
Thank God the gambling bubble has burst

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