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Monica – u have exactly described how I feel – it’s a kind of loneliness – and gambling makes it even lonelier . I think gamtalk provides some free counselling – have you checked them out or is that who you are waiting on?

Interestingly I find most medicines difficult to take – I wonder are we more sensitive to drugs and highs and is that why we become addicted to things – just a thought! One day I bet they will locate a gene for gambling and one little pill will be able to cure it .

That’s good that your daughter is visiting .
It gives you something to look forward to.

Can you talk to your daughter about stuff ?

Keep strong!

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Hi Monica , of course good things will happen – God has our back !
He is melting and moulding us even as we speak .

Geordie I agree with all you said above – sometimes when I post I think I am just being contrary -better out than in lol.

The Lord certainly works in mysterious ways – because as you are talking about new work opportunities, I am thinking of scaling back on my work- without gambling I can have a great life with less work.

Well done on your continued success at being gamble free- keep exploring how you feel as our thoughts can change as we express them.
Monica there are so many good days ahead of us – keep looking forward !

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Thank you Geordie and Monica for your great thought provoking posts .
Geordie , I made the point that I am not tarring all f&f with the same brush in all my posts (deleted or other) – I just wanted to clarify that –
I agree with you that once we cross a certain line many of us take on the character faults of the compulsive gambler – I have lied and I guess manipulated situations to cover up my gambling – and I guess I could have went on to become a pathological gambler- this disease certainly is progressive .
I maybe sometimes don’t like to admit to myself that I am such a sinner – and yet the truth is liberating . Maybe I’m not ready to face all my faults at once – they are too numerous .
Maybe blaming f&f is another part of my journey and one which I need to travel … I don’t know .

Anyway since I started this post my mum rang .
My elderly mum like me is a compulsive gambler .
I haven’t visited for a while – I needed space to work on my own addiction .

Going home has always been a stumbling block in the past .
I cannot believe I have done this but I just said to her I have joined GA- I am gamble free- I have money in the bank and I want to get comfortable in life – please don’t ask me to go to the casino with you .
Her response shocked me . She is absolutely thrilled and filled with admiration for me – I don’t remember her ever heaping praise so lavishly on me . She is still my mum – of course she wants me to have a good life .
I asked her if she would come to a meeting with me but she made a thousand excuses – that’s ok .
I am looking forward to my trip home – my mum is the only person in my life who knows I have been attending GA- her response is so encouraging .

So I guess I am becoming more honest – I have told one person the truth ! Lol .
My f&f would not be supportive – my f&f would enjoy nothing more than to throw it back in my face – not because he is hurt from my gambling but because he can!

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Hi Geordie ,
Thank you for your post.
Well done you on your gamble free time – it’s been quite a while .
We definitely will never all agree on everything – the theories for example help me to stay gamble free-but we both agree that a healthy bank balance gives us a sense of security in life.

I am slightly hung over – I posted last night after some wine and when I read it this morning – I loved what I had posted !
It was like I had real insight – however I deleted because I feel my posts should not be enhanced by alcohol lol.

Day 34. I read in one of Laura’s links that there are two types of gamblers – action and escape .
The stuff we read about the big shot mentality fits with the action type. I have always thought a lot of the character flaws attributed to people with gambling addiction did not really fit with me – I now realise this is because I am an escape gambler not an action one. However I have plenty of other character flaws to work on so I won’t be idle .

I mentioned in my deleted post that I think I was escaping my controlling f&f. I have often written that I believe many people who gamble compulsively are possibly try to escape a controlling or bullying f&f. Laura’s links made this clear to me . Action gamblers tend to have different motivations and I guess this is where the confusion has been for me . My view has been supported by reading many of the f and f threads but I could never get the worried parents to fit with my thoughts –

I also realise that after 34 days gamble free, and my second gamble free payday , that having my own money will provide me with a real escape not the fantasy escape that gambling offered.

Day 34- today I am trying to be patient as I plan my future – but possibly it is too late for patience – the next few days will tell.

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Thank u Mark for taking the time to reply .
Much appreciated .
I value good manners!

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When you are doing well no one posts you but when you are in dire straights you get post after post telling u what I should do or commiserating.

I guess I’m as guilty as anyone of this – although I notice my posts seem to annoy some people and others don’t feel I’m valuable enough to be worthy of a reply -the scientist part of me wonders if this is another trait of a person with gambling addiction – do we feel the need to be “in” with the “important” people on the threads- is this another variation of the “big. Shot” mentality? In truth once we achieve anything like recovery the replies kinda dry up so it is difficult to keep posting .

You had a slip and you did not do too much damage – well done u!
U have learned a lot during your recovery period and u don’t need to apologise for not being perfect – It’s today that counts and it sounds like u are well aware of where you are going. !
Keep strong. – u really are doing great Laura !

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MIcky
I am so, so sorry to hear the sad news about your sister .
I hope you are doing ok.
A sudden death is a huge shock so be kind you yourself .
Was your sister older than you ?
Will remember you and your family in my prayers

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Hi Laura,
I have just read those links you sent me and watched the video. They were really good.
I feel I understand so much more about this disease now and I feel in control.
I’m not sure why it has taken me so long to learn – but the powerlessness thing just didn’t properly register with me the way it does now .
Thank you for posting the link and I hope you have a pain free (and gamble free) day

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Monica ,
I am on day 33 gamble free.
I have never made a day 33 completely gamble free before .
I just wrote on Shaun’s thread that I have attended a few GA meetings and that the only difference I made .
However I glanced back to a month ago on my thread and I realised that two GA meetings are not life changing – it’s nice to hear people say well done but I don’t like having to speak at them, but when they call on your name and everyone else has spoken – you kinda feel obliged to utter a few words.

Anyway when I read back I noticed the biggest difference this time is you and Geordie .
Geordie had the insight to make the tools available to me and to give me the courage to use them. He has also taken an interest in my recovery which has really helped .

You have quiet consistency which means you post to me nearly every day and sometimes much more frequently when I need it . You posts are never critical , never picking holes in what I have said – just simply supportive and encouraging .

Thank you – I owe so much of this recovery to you and I really appreciate it. I have never clocked up 33 days before completely gamble free – that’s close to a miracle for me .

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Well done Milk Tray man.
11 days is a fabulous achievement -and you have a plan in place for debts . You can see a good future ahead of you.
Great post

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Hi Shaun ,
Sorry didn’t mean to tell you what u already knew.
It feels like something has clicked for me this time so I guess I want to tell the world .
Having said that I’m only on day 33 not years .

I m not sure why GA works but it the only real difference I have made this time – I have added in a few GA meetings which I located on the GA website .

Keep going – one day at a time !
You deserve this Shaun.

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Day33
Wow Monica that is so uplifting to read – of course there’s things I can do – I guess the big thing is to learn to accept the things I can’t and wisdom to know the difference .

Now that I am “awake” in life I can no longer hide from my losses – the strange thing after gambling is that the losses that matter are neither financial or self inflicted . Perhaps they are the very losses that lead to gambling addiction .
Pain maybe needs somewhere to hide.

So I am being kinda deep today – I can see clearly now the rain has gone – I think there is an expectation that once gambling abates in my life – I will spend my life making reparation- I feel the person I need to make reparation to most is me .

I carry a deep sadness for the what can never be.
Time can be cruel – I guess the big win would sort most things – but the big win is no more . The big win is gone forever and with it the last shreds of hope or what could have been.

I am gamble free- it is payday.
I am going to spend money on me today – not on furniture or paint but on me- on hair , on clothes , on shoes . I am going to spend money on my son – my wonderful gentle son who fills my heart with joy and who describes me as his best friend in the world- I did some things right I guess .

Life isn’t perfect – it never will be – it’s just hard to accept that allowed my “f&f” to steal the most important things in life from me and to cope I hid in the chaos of gambling addiction .

I could say that in my experience f&f are manipulative , controlling liars who will stop at nothing to keep control and get their own way . They always want to put forward the image of martyr to the world. They always want to be seen as “doing their best” which is a great way of expressing their need to control others in their life.

I read the forums and sometimes I even see their addiction used as a means to control- to decide when they can stay home, when they will have to leave , when they can see their kids , when they can’t-every sentence uttered is called manipulation or lies – the critic can rarely find any good in them and when they do the attribute this to themselves -like “we had a good chat and things have improved ” – I could substitute with “martyr ,martyr , martyr ”

I could say this as they use similar words to describe us with gambling addiction all the time – however I guess I still have my intelligence and I know that you cannot tar all people, no matter what group they belong to , with the same brush – I’m sure some people do develop gambling addiction which has nothin to do with overbearing , controlling spouses or other loved ones.

I woke early – the nightmare which has plagued me since I was too young to remember is back – the tidal wave one . I must be the only person I know who asks to change room if I get given a sea view…

Monica thank you for your post – it really helped me today – going to get out of bed and start working on that plan of mine.
I will make the most of my life and hopefully learn to accept things it is too late to change .

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Thank you Monica – I like that idea of feeding good habits – and I guess starving the bad ones like gambling .
Today was meant to be about housework but got invited out for lunch and it went on a long time. So that kinda meant I forgot about housework – so it’s still waiting on me . Enjoyed a stupid movie with my son – that is the few bits we didn’t fast forward – I am so blessed to have such a good son .

Tomorrow is day 33.
I can’t say it’s getting easier but it’s so good not to be writing about feeling devastated and guilty while wishing I was dead .
This is a much better way to live although I feel very lonely – not sure why – because I don’t spend that much time alone and I kinda relish it .
I feel a sense of loss – not for gambling but for where my choices have taken me and where they have prevented me going .
As you get older , your choices become limited in just about everything from the clothes that look good on you to the jobs you are offered .
Too late for so many things .

Day 33 tomorrow – looking back on missed opportunities and forward to an ever narrowing future .
Not terribly optimistic !

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I feel the Monica of old is returning – a woman with purpose , with things to do – a woman who gets things done.
Maybe you are kinder to Bailey? Dogs usually hide when they are scared – however its firework season here so maybe he was out with Pete when a firework or something scared him.
The triple therapy sounds like it’s working.
Our guts and our minds are so closely related.
Bring the body and the mind wil follow.!
That was a really great positive post !

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Well done Mark – I am on day 32 myself -so we are kinda a similar age in recovery .
So glad to read everything is going well .
Keep us informed of your progress.

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