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Hi P,
I hope the light is shining brightly for you today .
I so want to hug you and help you through the hard times so please take an online hug .

I hope the medication is helping – you should be immensely proud of your achievement in not gambling, especially when it would be easy to take the escape for a few hours .

You are such a good person, and such a lifeline for many of us when we are struggling . I want to offer you a solution but of course I don’t have one except to remind you that you have been here before and things always get better .
I hope this happens soon for you my dear friend .

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Hi Monica –
Hope you are feeling much better and your allergy symptoms have abated . Hope the sun is shining in your world .
Thinking of you today

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Stefan , if you feel your life is in danger , then go to the police for protection .
Did your your business go down because of your gambling – most people would never see gambling such huge sums as a viable way to keep a business afloat .
Do you need residential help – would it give you a bit of breathing space
. I recommend that you go onto chat on this site and speak one with one of the people there and see what help is a available. .

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Day 36 today – apparently this means I haven’t clocked up enough days to help others – I think anyone who makes a statement like this , knowing my journey , doesn’t really understand recovery but is stuck in abstinence . I would take a month of recovery over all those months of abstinence I managed in the past , every time .

I have often heard when you meet” the one” you will just know. I think when you are in recovery you just know too.
It’s not about days accumulated – it’s about changes deep within your thinking – it’s about acceptance that the past is gone and cannot be changed – it’s about expecting a good future because at last you realise you are worthy of it. It’s about living in today and being better today – being self aware and recognising those character faults and working on them.

Recovery is hard – because emotions surface which we can no longer hide beneath our gambling, our arrogance , our impulsiveness , our need to be right . We can no longer hide and we have to meet these feelings head on and deal with them.
Recovery is also incredibly rewarding because we become better versions of ourselves as the many “skins ” we have hidden beneath are cast away – sometimes revealing bitterness and disappointment and many other negative things we were unaware of . Sometimes it is a surprise that things which were so important to us – we can easily let go now.
We are works in progress and I guess we will be until the day we die .

Sure at 36 days my recovery is in its infancy – but the biggest difference I find this time is its no longer about abstaining from gambling – that has been incredibly easy to do – its about not hiding from life but meeting it head on .

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Hi Racer .
I have the following :
Got rid of my laptop – only have monitored work one
Drowned my iPad in the sink
Got betfilter for iPhone – which took many failed attempts to get set up right
Disconnected my PayPal account from my bank
Cut up my credit cards
Have only money in joint account with my husband and I have full access to this- but then so does he .
Got gambling blocked on wifi – hubby controls that

In truth none of these things are stopping me right now – it’s my change of mindset and accepting that I am powerless – I keep going on about this but I can’t believe I never got this before.

I have added in GA – well been to two meetings – not sure I find them all that useful but some little part of me loves to hear well done ! Lol!
You are also doing brilliantly – keep going with it – life is getting better and better for u !

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Hi 3racer,
I disagree that payday is like any other day .
It is a huge day when you are skint and waiting on it .
The relief is enormous when it finally arrives and you feel rich again.
It’s amazing how quickly the pain disappears and we feel our luck is in again.
It’s the gambler’s fallacy of course – once we become convulsive gamblers out luck is permanently out because we are powerless to do anything except lose our hard earned cash .
I get what you mean about only understanding the concept of powerlessness now – it’s just words until it clicks with us.
I am just starting week six myself and after eight years of trying to stop I only get it now . The first payday once we stop is good – the second and you feel like a millionaire !

I hope you post soon and let us all know how it went .

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Thank u Laura .
I would love if we met for coffee .
So many good people on here – I wonder would we all get on in real life ?

Tomorrow I start week 6- day 36.
The. Weeks are building up and I am feeling more confident about recovery .
Today I did get motivated and did a big clear out of a bedroom.
I dumped washed out duvet sets and clothes .. why ? Because I know I will always have money for new ones.
The days of famine are over and the days of plenty have arrived .
The days of indecision are behind me because even if I buy something’ which I end up not liking – there will be money to replace it.
Anyone who says money is not important has never had to worry about money .
Life is looking good !
Day 36 tomorrow –
Feeling in charge of my life and able to make good decisions .

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Hi Monica
I missed your earlier post .
So sorry you are having such a bad day .

These calls are so soul destroying – give urself permission to do nothing tonight except chill- hope to catch u in group later .
This too shall pass – might not seem like it right now but it will.

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Laura ,
I think any absence from gambling weakens it hold over us , so long as we are not quietly thinking when I’m better I will go to the casino – not planning how we will only spend a limited amount and not planning on having “that win”.

MAybe God has had a hand in making it difficult for you to access gambling right now –
We truly need to accept that we can never gamble on anything even once .
I love how Geordie wrote in my thread that slips are not part of stopping and that relapses are not inevitable .

When we are stopped for a long time,I understand the thinking of GA is to help others – and in this we help ourselves reinforce how far we have come and how easily we can fall back – I guess it is the “give and you will receive “message . We are showing others that it can be done and how to do it – but also reminding the hidden addiction, which will live in our brains forever , that we are working against it , that we are aware and that we are never giving it our power again.

Vera wrote about mindset – you have an enforced period of no gambling now – maybe it’s a good time to revisit how bad it was – how you felt at the prospect of your family being homeless , the shock your husband felt …the steps you took to pay your debts , mend relationships and make a better life for your kids

Write about it all Laura – because it will not only reinforce for you how you have taken your power back from this addiction, but also serve to remind you how you need to work at this forever.

You are a great , kind woman who always has encouraging words for others . Work hard on your own recovery right now when doubts are creeping in.
Xx

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I maybe shouldn’t write so early in the morning – it might not be my best time . I feel really negative today .
I am on holiday from work .
Strangely these non working days are my most empty days.
Most people relish a day off and I do too but I always feel so empty on these days . It’s not an emptiness that doing stuff can fill .
I lack a feeling of contentment – I feel unimportant .
I feel anxious and stressed .
I know if I could overcome my laziness it would help – I am so unmotivated . I am a little overwhelmed by the many things I need to do – and yet I do nothing …except eat !

And of course listen to my f&f criticise .

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Is it loneliness that made us throw ourselves into our work and then into gambling ?
Is it loneliness or a yearning for something more .
Is it being unable to enjoy the moment or the fruits of our labour ?
Is it loneliness or emptiness ?
What’s the difference?

I don’t know he answer to any of these but I know life feels kinda bland.

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Hi Newbeginnings.

Most people can drink alcohol and enjoy a glass or two and then stop. Alcoholics however get a much greater buzz from alcohol and they just want to keep drinking more and more .

It is the same with those of us for whom gambling has become compulsive . We get a mind numbing high from gambling that social gamblers do not get .
That is why we become addicted and will gamble until our bank balance reaches zero.

To be honest I feel you are quite fortunate to have work this weekend – it’s hard to feed yourself with a zero bank balance. .

I would recommend you find your nearest GA and join .
Also there are groups on here you can attend where u will get advice – there is a live chat which you can go into for most of the day .

You need to think of a way to keep that money safe that you earn – canny get someone else to look after it for you .
Can u get your allowance in smaller amounts so you can’t blow the lot ?
Can u use some of your allowance to buy a gambling blocker for your phone ?

You need to put barriers in place so it is impossible for you to gamble .

Hope this helps – you are young and u can stop and have a great life.

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Hi hopeisgone .

Firstly hope isn’t gone – you have admitted you have a problem and you want to do something about it – u can stop right now today while u still have some money left

You said you will come here every week – I have stopped gambling for five weeks and I still find I need to come here several times a day . If gambling has become a daily habit it is likely you will need daily support .

If you can honestly draw a line under the money and not look back – accept that it is gone – you can become gamble free.
You will get lots of advice on here and there are groups on tonight where u can chat to others – there is also a one to one chat where you can speak to someone who understands

Throw as much effort at stopping gambling as you did at gambling and I guarantee you will stop and have a great life .
Well done on starting a thread .

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Vera ,

I have been thinking about your post and one of the things that kept me from GA for so long was that I worried about other gamblers there who might wear their sobriety like a badge of honour and tell the world about their success.
I was kinda amazed to see that this fits the profile of the action gambler- ( according to the information on Laura’s links)- it is another way of playing the big shot .

Despite keeping my “habit” absolutely secret for years I felt on more than one occasion last night that I could confide in my friends . The good wine may have given me a warmer and fuzzier feeling towards them. It would have given me my five minutes of “focus on me only time”, but today in the cold light of day I’m so glad I kept my mouth shut .

Some people may call it putting up a barrier but in life there are very few we can trust with our innermost thoughts – I told my mum out of necessity – I needed her to know so that I could continue unimpeded with my recovery .
Already I am wondering which of my siblings has she told “between just the two of us and it’s to go no further “.

I’m not sure if this is typical of someone with a gambling compulsion but my mum loves to deflect by talking about others who are “terrible gamblers “.

There are very few people in life I trust – I don’t wear my heart on my sleeve although it might seem like that to others .

I went out last night and my selfish f&f looked after himself like always – he went to bed and so long as his need for sleep as met he didn’t care if our son stayed up all night – (there are reasons this is important right now which I don’t want to write about here).
If I say anything my night out will be slapped back at me – because I am meant to be home carrying the load while he continues with his life that has changed little through marriage or fatherhood .

I am full of anxiety today as the advice regarding my son has been ignored . If I mention it I will just get verbal abuse . I think in truth living with someone like this requires some kind of medication – and if it’s not going to be self medication from gambling maybe I need to speak to my doctor about drugs .

I’m not sure writing about this is doing me any good – one of the best things about my marriage is my short memory for his “faults”- which is the exact opposite of my “score-keeping ” f&f.

Writing is certainly bringing bitterness to the surface – maybe it’s been there all the time – hatred?? I didn’t think I had the ability to hate but I sure am feeling some strong emotions right now .
I want to escape today and bring my son to a place of peace – a home where we can have a relaxed and happy life .
Do I even remember what relaxed and happy feels like ?

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Thank you Vera, Geordie and P.
Of course my mum gets it – I have never heard her so pleased with me – I said I am going to shock you but I have been attending GA. She wa so happy – maybe she worried and maybe she knew .

P, yes something is different now – I will never be able to claim powerlessness again – because I know the consequences and I know that I can’t stop. Knowledge is power and I have knowledge .

Geordie , thank u for your continued support .

Vera that’s was a great reply – u get me !
U get what it’s like to constantly feel like the least valued person in your hosuehold by the person who should value you most!

So we need to value ourselves enough .

We raised our kids to the best of our ability –
If as adults that wasn’t good enough – tough !
Let them find someone who loves them more out In that hard world .
I see kids who are abandoned who idolise their parents !
We did our best – and no one anywhere had ever done more than that .

They say you must be selfish about your recovery – I am going to take it a step further and be selfish in my recovery .
I am going to seek happiness for me .
I am no longer content to be held back by my f&f- with their manilulation, long suffering Vicitm and poor me games .

Wish I had made these decisions earlier – but I guess like a lot of escape gamblers I put everyone else first until I could do it no longer – and then gambling gave me a bit of space .

I guess it’s the old cliche – give a dog a bad name …
Somehow I fell into the role where my f&f had reason to justify their martyrdom .
No more !
Day 35 tomorrow – five weeks .
Treated my mates to a gorgeous meal tonight – sat there and had such fun in my new clothes – life is good !

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