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Day 38
Feeling a little better.
Anxiety still here .
I feel like i want to run away from my worries .
I feel like I’m to blame for everything that goes wrong .
I want to go back and live my life again.
I want to make different choices .
I feel trapped.

On the positive side I made it through my trip with no urges – a few fleeting thoughts perhaps .

This is the first time I have diligently counted the days (I always felt it wasn’t helpful for me ) and I can’t believe how motivating it is .

However in truth the urges to gamble are simply not there right now . I seem very motivated by making money though.
Not to replace what is lost but so I can let go of of some the responsibilities I have and not worry about the future .

I read about people who take on voluntary work and give something back during recovery.
I don’t feel like that at all. I want to stop doing the voluntary work which I did (and have stopped most of it ).
I want to let go of any responsibility outside my home which I can.
I want to close my front door and make it all about my little family .
In truth I want to build a safe cocoon- I want to build a world where stress is reduced .

I think maybe my coping skills are completely diminished.
I think I need to live a simpler life.

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Thank you Laura and Monica .
Laura the line I take tonight from your post has nothing at all to do with gambling … simply that children can be a worry.
I think maybe I was never cut out for this worry … kids bring so much happiness – but we pay dearly for it at times .
Nothing in life is ever free I guess .

I feel so useless sometimes – and it is then that I just want a big win. Money gives us such choices . I have thrown away my ability to choose. Money would be a very nice cushion right now .

Tonight I won’t sleep much – i am trying to feel the pain and live through it but the pain just turns to anxiety and the anxiety increases my pain .

Day 38 tomorrow – I feel like a failure, I feel impatient, I feel regret , i feel fear .

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Hi Laura , thank you for your posts on my thread .
I enjoyed reading about your home- isnit all done up now and how long did it take. Where did u start ? Did u have a plan ?
I would be really interested in hearing more about it .

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Hi Monica ,
Sounds like today was mostly good – u got ur nice food !
Autumn is a great season but give me a bit of sun anytime – i think the sun lifts our mood so much!
Hope you told let’s to keep his hands off your good food ! Lol
.hope the rest of today was good !

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LAura .
Thank you for your posts – both of themselves.
I hope you don’t mind but I have copied and pasted the one you wrote further up my thread here as I felt it was to valuable to lose further up the thread .
By Laura –

Omg IDI, Geordie, Monica, Vera, et al,

you are trying to make my lazy mental muscles get to work on a post worthy of this discussion! So here goes!

This State gambling help organization provides a breakdown of the people they’ve helped by escape vs action gamblers as well as by a whole host of different factors. Probably one of the pages you came across IDI.

http://www.azccg.org/Differences.html

Very interesting and in the end describes a broad group of people with all sorts of room for overlapping behaviours and reasons for gambling. And for all the differences, there are a lot of similarities especially in the end phase of gambling addiction.

And this is where I will make my comment re the f&f’s. I have often found that I identify as much with the f&f’s that are on the forum getting support as I do a fellow CG. Quite often they are a co dependant caretaker or at least a caretaker who isn’t having their needs met! Just wondering whether they should stay or go, much like most of the ladies that I know here who are in relationships. It’s rare that I’ve heard anyone say their partner is wonderful and gambling is having no affect on the relationship, no matter which side of the coin you are on. And the parents, well like most parents, I think they are just worried about their child’s future and trying to understand this baffling condition that has gotten a hold of them. Do they need tough love, do they need more love. Children can be a worry no matter the age.

Being a CG doesn’t make you evil and being an F&F doesn’t mean you will be a saint  either. Ha or a Martyr for that matter. lol Takes all kinds to make this big old world go round and as you said, we can’t paint everyone with the same brush. In most cases the F&F’s on the forum are sincere about understanding the addiction and getting support for themselves, but also for their partners. Now as far as our own personal F&F’s are concerned, well, mine wouldn’t be concerned enough about supporting me to be here. And as far as support for him, what would he need support for he would say, he’s not the one with the gambling problem! He’s very assured of himself in his comfort zone any way.

My GA group was made up with several escape male gamblers. There were also several male action gamblers (according to these definitions). And there were those which I honestly could not tell if they weren’t perhaps both at the same time. But every last one of them could say the smartest, most intelligent, kindest things. And I got something from every last one of them.

I too found sometimes the literature at GA to be contrary to me. A reading about how a CG used to be too big for their britches and big feeling about themselves when in action and learning to be more modest and in touch is perhaps not the best reading say for the a female CG married to the alcoholic bully who has trampled her self esteem. But I just look for any nugget in the reading, or if I express this feeling sometimes someone else has a different take.

After saying all of this I’m not sure if I’ve completely gotten off topic, but I definitely found the information about why I may be gambling, in black and white helped validate my feelings. And they are my feelings. Just as you and everyone here is allowed to have their feelings. Does this mean I cast type everyone or pigeon hole everyone? No. Because after all of I have written I haven’t even mentioned what a difference in personalities, or life circumstances, health conditions, past traumas or 100’s or maybe 1000’s of other things that make us all up differently. But so many of the tools that help a compulsive gambler helps all compulsive gamblers. To me that is the benefit of things like GA and GT. They provide an opportunity and a place to share the things that work! A software blocker can help all CG’s.

I’m glad that you and others have found the information that I posted in the links useful. I know I did. I also love the conversations and discussions that have somehow been created from your absolute right to digest it and post about it and discuss.

I am sure I have missed so many points but I need to now catch up again I think lol.

It was good to see you in Chat. Have a great weekend!

Laura

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Hi Marta
6 days is absolutely fabulous .
Well done !
I put a betfilter blocker on my phone which takes the temptation away completely – u might find it useful .
Great u are looking forward to your son’s birthday party .
Enjoy

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Thanks Geordie,
Ever think of running your own recovery centre?
You would be so good – maybe because you know every trick in the book- just like I often think naughty pupils make the best , kindest teachers – cos they get it.

Day 37- I cannot understand why this is so easy now- no urges, no fighting them ,no head about to explode with pressure building up – it’s just simply a choice I have made- I wonder could I apply the same techniques to controlling my over eating (and my weight)?

Looking forward to a day out with my mum-and hopefully a spot of shopping. We will get a really nice lunch- so much for watching my weight.
Day 37 – feeling relaxed and able to face the world with confidence.

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Thank u Monica – yeah we are here all right – because when the pain comes , and it does , we face it instead of escaping it – You earlier mentioned about ageing – facing truth and Pain has added more wrinkles than gambling ever did but the relief of not gambling is so worth it … and soon we will be able to afford Botox lol!

Tomorrow is day 37 –
I am so tired tonight – I didn’t want to post
.but I did … and this is silly – I did because Geordie will tell me off for going back on what I committed myself to which is to post every morning and night .

The thing is it’s working for me – everyone else might be fed up of always seeing my name at the top of the list , but it’s working for me !

Tonight when I think tomorrow is day 37 I remember that 36 days ago I was gambling at this time , and did until almost 5 am in the morning – I got up at seven and got breakfast sorted and went to work . After work I came home and slept – when it should have been family time .
The exhaustion was worse than in the past because of course my body is now eight years older than when I started.
I felt sick all day- sick with lack of sleep and sick with guilt and regret . I also had been misled by the casino and I was annoyed and I felt cheated – I think the penny dropped that every penny i had fed to casinos was money I had been cheated out of by addiction.

When I think tomorrow is day 37 I also remember that I have money in the bank, new bedclothes to buy (cos I dumped the tatty ones ). The dream of the business is becoming more real .
My family talk about it and we have given it a “pet-name ” even though it is just a concept right now.

I am simplifying my life because it’s been complicated for too long . That might mean letting go of some things which somehow no longer seem so important .

Oh the tiredness after travelling is tremendous – need sleep – nite

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Yes definitely divine intervention Monica because I am thinking non stop about simplifying my life and something in your post just made me know I am going in the right direction ! Thank u for sharing

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Hey Johnny – we are still buds !
I am big girl and give as good as I get .
We can all only advice help others using our experience and what we have learned .
Sometimes we will push each other’s buttons – that’s just life .
We are not ganging up on anyone – or bullying !!
Love urself Johnny !
We don’t have to get on with everyone all the time and w need to love ourselves enough for that to be ok.
You are doing brilliantly and I do kinda listen to u sometimes ( now that wasn’t begrudging at all haha) .

Keep doing what u are doing- its working – no harm for us to challenge each other now and again.

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Thank u to those who have posted me . Been travelling for hours due to diversions – road traffic accidents – just grateful it’s not me .
Can’t really read posts as keep losing connection.
Getting very sleepy ( why does travel
Do that ) but will prob be in group later if anyone about

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Hi Monica – I have been travelling for hours but if you are around to night I will check into Group . Can’t even read your post properly cos keep losing connection. Just hope all good with u

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Hi jaykay ,
I am forever posting and checking this site – it kinda feels like Another addiction – the only thing is it doesn’t bring a huge amount of heart ache, stress, worry and sometimes even suicidal thoughts with it- so il take it for now . If I am addicted to this site the big difference is that I can engage with the world without being distracted by it – when gambling there was no room for anything else in my head
Between posting though I do feel a new life emerging – sometimes in baby steps and sometimes in huge strides .
I hope down the line I will not need such a level of support .

I guess what I’m saying is at different times we will need different levels of support – if what you are doing now s working for you stick with it. There is no right or wrong and we are all at different places in our journey .
It is encouraging however to hear about people who are doing well and continuing with their recovery .

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Wow what a truly inspiring post !

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Hi Carole ,
I wonder often where you went to , how you are getting on, whether you are posting under a new name , so I thought I would bump up your thread .
It would be nice to get an update

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