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Monica , I admire your perseverance – well done on going to GA – it would have been so easy to have turned around and gone home.
You may have identified some character faults but reading through your thread , I think perseverance is one of your strong qualities .
And you even stayed after the meeting to work on your finances .
Super impressed Monica !

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Day 41.

Today I could not think of anything to write about .
I am feeling anxious and empty .
Then I thought about how I often used to write about the things in my life I am grateful for .
It’s easy to write about these things when life is rosy- when life throws you curve balls this gets more difficult , and yet these are the very times we need to remember .
So for today I am grateful:
For my home
For my work which is a good source of income
For my child
For my extended family
For the opportunities life has given me
For my ability to let things go
For my dog – a blessing
For today – I can breathe and be

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Sorry P – just saw this .

Day 40 complete –
Tired , worn and old !

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Hi P,
Just missed you in chat .
Loved Kin’s post – very inspiring

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No fat cat it getting my money ever again so there is no “until”.
Well maybe the fat cats who own the nice department stores in town…

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Thank you Geordie , thank you Vera .

I can delete history on the computer and I can hide bank statements – I have always refused to change to online.

Things “showing ” never stopped me in the past – no reason they should now lol. Anyway it’s my money I earned so not a lot anyone can say !
That’s what I mean about me – there isn’t a barrier high enough to stop me – having said that I have barriers which give me the time to think- even that computer – it is quite complicated to get around the blockers – so my reaction wasn’t instant – that half minute of thinking time makes a huge difference .

The change isn’t anything to do with barriers – it’s a change within me – I want recovery and I need it .

I’m not doing this for others – but I want to stay on my journey with the people who are supporting me – like Geordie says – I don’t want to write day 1- I don’t have another day 1 left inside me .
It’s now or never !

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You are so right – we never win int he end

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You are so right – we never win in he end

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Aw Laura – just saw this. Tried anyway but my browser would not support chat there .
Day 40 tomorrow .
Just had my first real urge
Everyones asleep and I was trying to get some work done for my son. After my son said goodnight I realised his computer could easily be unblocked- I thought will I ? It’s only a few quid and then what stopped me I think was the time I had built up
On the journey I have travelled with others , the comraderie – I don’t know – it just felt like i would be letting everyone down – and then the urge went away and never returned.
Yeah I have changed – I am changing – but the addiction is still there somewhere hidden for now – but waiting to be activated!
Not tonight- day 40 tomorrow – feels good!

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That’s so nice that you helped a homeless man when u have so little . Sometimes I used to wonder would I end up there – sometimes it got so bad I found myself thinking it might be better than all the responsibility . It’s amazing how warped our thinking can become .

Monica the days of looking after the vulnerable at over – we read about prisoners of war being forced to work when they were unwell and we are horrified – do we feel our own citizens deserve no better treatment in their own land . Those brave soldiers who fought for freedom would turn in their graves.
Life has become hard – maybe too hard sometimes .

Recovery sometimes seems harder than gambling. Even the stressing over money is easier sometimes than facing reality and it means we can put off decisions or ignore them .

I believe it will get better – I guess we have to climb a little to get back to normality .

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Hey Laura
Thank you for a great post .
You are doing normal things because you can afford to do normal things .
I love being to go and buy what I want in the grocery store – and I have to admit we have been eating delicious food !

Yes you are right – it doesn’t matter at first whether we are in real recovery or abstinence – what matters is that we have money in the bank to buy the things we need .

Well done Laura – treat yourself to something yummy !

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Day 39 –
Today I feel strong and in control and able to cope !
Somebody stood up to my f&f ! My f&f was called out on selfishness and I want to applaud !
Can’t say too much here – it was like I had written the script – but it was delivered by a person who was rather rude and forceful but who I’m sure God sent our way . I am blissfully happy that my selfish f&f can no longer throw blame at me .
He has been called out on it . He can no longer opt out of his responsibilities. He can no longer play the “poor me ” or his personal favourite – the blame game .

If this had happened years ago I might have never needed to escape . If I had had an equal responsible partner in life who knows where I would be right now . Some things I cannot change but if I can makes the things I still have better – I will be satisfied .
The Lord works in mysterious ways .
Today I am kinda liking how He works .

I am feeling hopeful for the future .

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Thank you Laura .
I am becoming more and more painfully aware of the damage i have done- then to give me perspective – I know people who sent their children to boarding school at 8 years of age – and they don’t do this guilt over their absence in their children’s lives.
At the end of the day I might have missed time with my child through addiction but it wasn’t something I purposely imposed on my child .
Maybe we are too hard in ourselves – maybe we believe what the f&f s say a little too much.

In my family my cg mum may have had her difficulties but my f&f dad was never there – AlwAys something more important to attend to! We wanted for nothing except maybe a relationship with him! My mum did her best – we were well fed and cared for .

End of day 38. Feel like I can’t cope with the simplest things in life . I need to keep paring back my responsibilities –
When gambling I could juggle a hundred things – now it seems I can’t reach on the simplest of things .

But I’m here and I’m present –
That has to ***** for something.

Day 39 tomorrow .
Not much to look forward to .

Life seems to be getting harder

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Hi Monica – just missed u in chat – will try again

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Laura thank u again for your post on my thread – I love ur posts – they really make me think .
I sometimes go back and read them again because they contain so much food for thought.
They are sometimes challenging to how I think but always supportive -challenging our thinking helps us grow .
Thank u .

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