[i-did-it]

Hi p

Hope I catch you in group soon.
And I hoped you are feeling much better .
Geordie is so right – you have your head screwed on and your mindset towards gambling is spot on .

[i-did-it]

Hi Laura – I am going to be in the twelve o clock group – may be a little late – if u want to talk

[i-did-it]

I do feel like that – yes – based on my experience – I have noticed so many blanket statements on the f &f forum my feeling is if you give it you must be able to take it .
And of course there are exceptions to every thing – .

[i-did-it]

Day 43- the start of week 7.
I feel
I have no supports in life and yet tonight I did something new – I reached out to friends and they dropped all and somehow helped make my world ok again.

My world is ok.
Life is ok . Maybe I am too hard on myself sometimes .

Less stressed , less anxious and something stirring like a smidgen of happiness .

[i-did-it]

Mmmy,

Geordie is right – u have to lose the desire.
How do you do that ?
You have to understand some things – you have to understand exactly WHY you are powerless and what that MEANS FOR YOU.
I finally got this understanding from reading a book based on the original AA programme . So let me try explain what I learned :
Firstly it is not your fault you are an addict – others can gamble and never develop this addiction. Why ? Because your body and your brain are different . Just like people with alcohol addiction process alcohol differently, our bodies / brains process gambling differently – this is not our fault – it is just the way we are – we couldn’t have prevented ourselves developing this addiction because we didn’t know our bodies are different . This is also why we can’t stop when we gamble . We will never be able to control it . People around us can try to blame us , but it simply is not our fault . Once you grasp that you cannot gamble like you used to in the early days and stop, nor can you gamble like people who aren’t addicted – once U fully grasp what that means – the awful urges stop .

This is what accepting you are powerless means .

You still need recovery tools, and fellowship , but knowing that u cannot stop and therefore cannot ever walk away with a win no matter how big- kinda takes the “big win” and other gambling fantasies away- we realise that that chasing for us is futile – well that’s what happened to me .

Hope this helps and Isn’t too waffle- like .

The book by the way is called “a program for you ” and is based on the AA big book.

[i-did-it]

Good luck with your procedure Monica .
Pete’ behaviour is appalling – quite typical of many f&f though.

Bankruptcy is a huge step.
You maybe need to get rid of Pete so you can think clearly . In the past we may have chosen the wrong escapes but no more .
These games f&f play are just to let us know we “need” them.
The thing is when we truly need them many f&f can’t help but resort to bully behaviours – they have the upper hand and they are going to use it- I think it is quite typical for f&f to be so wrapped up in themselves they are u interested in what we have to say or feel.

Just focus on you and I hope all goes well.

[i-did-it]

Seeing as im also ten mins in i am joining the pact.

Just for today I won’t gamble

[i-did-it]

Thank you Geordie and Laura .
Geordie , don’t feel obliged to post – I can read back over your many inspirational posts –
Ur words about relapses not being inevitable are with me always .
Laura I don’t know what will happen. – I just know that my days of making do are over .

Tomorrow is day 43 – the start of week seven .
There have been issues in my life and I have had such anxiety because of them- but I notice improvements every day – because I am present – in mind and spirit – and able to take the action I need to.
Those of you who offer me non judgemental support – I wish I could show you the knock on effect of reply on my thread . The support is not only saving me – it is saving my child . I guess it’s true we never know how far those ripples will extend .

[i-did-it]

Hi K,
Well done on taking that first step and coming on here.

I agree that it would be really helpful if you could get to a GA meeting .
I guess you have no money right now to buy a gambling blocker so maybe get net nanny or something that will give should thinking time at least . I have betfilter on my iPhone and it has made a huge difference –
Your priority is to stop gambling – if telling your wife is a stumbling block right now you can still stop – of course honesty is best but it’s hard to face everything at once .

You can cut up bank cards , give them to someone else to mind, carry just cash (I try to do this so I can’t gamble on line). You can get someone to set a code in your wifi account so gambling is blocked for the whole house .
There are lots of things you can do which will make it impossible to gamble when payday comes round. Please don’t think you will have learned from this an d know better – take no chances !

Hope this helps .

[i-did-it]

Hi Shaun,
Well done on starting your monthly pact – I always thought counting days didn’t t help me, but it is so motivating .

The monthly pact seems to be doing the same for you .

Did you find the monthly pact really helped you stop Vera – did you always stick to it ? I might add it to my repertoire !

[i-did-it]

Something just came into my head regarding your situation Monica – I hope you don’t find this offensive and I may well have got it completely wrong .

It seems me to me that you have found yourself in “prison”.
Pete is the prison guard who brings food to your “cell” and with good behaviour you get to go out and work in the kitchen:
He doesn’t give you much more than food – like with the prison guard he isn’t able to get close.
Many long term prisoners reoffend shortly after getting out because they simply do not know where to go or what to do once their term is served – the familiar routine of prison offers some safety in that they know the routine. So they end up paying for their initial mistake maybe forever. (Ours is getting sick with the wrong person ).

Am I talking about myself or you ? Prison has a kind of safe routine – we know what to expect which is little .
We keep “reoffending ” (gambling ) which keeps us in the safety of prison until one day something inside us decided that yeah- maybe we do deserve a life and only then to we have to find a new way .

[i-did-it]

Please keep “waffling ” Monica – I am so interested in how you explain things .
Yes I think if I had been a single mum , with no “caring f&f” my life would have been so much better -it would have been without expectation but also without the daily sacrifice to allow my f&of to keep his smug and superior opinion of himself that is so common with f &f.
Many times people have said about him coming to this site for support or to gamanon, and I always thought that would be the final straw- the last possible thing I could tolerate – that he would get to play the martyr to an even bigger audience and be totally encouraged in that role. Martyr I could live with – the smug , controlling, negativity so common in the f&f I have had my fill of .
I have noticed this pattern in the generation before me in his family – it’s harder to see patterns in my own – maybe I am too close .
I have noticed the long suffering martyr who does his/her best married to the “wrong one “. I have observed “wrong Ones” pack up and leave and never ever return or want to – funny I even remember the “wrong one ” being accused of gambling addiction to anyone anywhere who would listen . I hadn’t thought about to happening to men . I have seen the “wrong one ” go on to a great life while the f&f continued to portray martyrdom, and never quite get over the “cg” escaping their control. I have also seen the “wrong one ” stay and conutine to be perceived as the “wrong one ” right into old age .
I have seen this played out and I have seen children damaged . I should have put my time into a physical escape rather than an escape into addiction.

I need to have the courage to change the things I can – there are so many things I can start changing even right now.
It feels like I have woken up and have a new perspective

Thank you Monica – you have made me really think –
And double thank you for not passing judgement on my thoughts and feelings and deciding it’s all because I’m a “cg” and my poor martyr f&f has suffered for a few years because of it and I need to take the plank out of my own eye- I think the plank has blocked my view for decades !

[i-did-it]

Monica is you had asked me that six weeks ago I would have said no way – now it seems like the most sensible suggestion anyone has ever made to me –
That’s been the most eye opening thing about quitting gambling . I thought I would realise all my faults and the world would become a better place . Instead I am looking back and seeing that a pattern of criticism and put downs has led me to place where I get absolutely nothing from my marriage – i am not afraid to stand up for myself but I guess I tired to protect my child from rows and the resulting anxiety.

I like to be kind to others but I have never been the type of person who allows others to walk all over me – however over time I think my strength has been worn away – chip by chip. I have just given up- I can’t be really certain if this is why I gambled but the light has come on and every time my f&f opens his mouth I just think what a pathetic prat . It is still wearing however .

I wonder does he realise he has lost any control he had – I wonder does he realise the hatred that is growing in my heart .
I doubt it because f&f s have a tendency to view themselves as long suffering and rather perfect people . Even if the person with addiction does manage to help themselves ( and we all know that they are the only person who can do this ) f&f s somehow manage to turn this into another victory for themselves. They recovered because I stopped enabling them kind of rubbish – in truth they probably recovered because they escaped the control and the constant critical monitoring and had space to work things out . Of course I can only speak from my own experience but I have noticed these patterns on various online forums .

It’s amazing since I have highlighted the drain the critical f&f can put on a person how many others have identified with this scenario , both on this site and others. Maybe we are so used to being the wrong person we felt we couldn’t speak out or someone would point out that we put them through pain with out gambling – it begs the question – would we have developed this addiction if we were living happy , supported lives.

[i-did-it]

Geordie ,
I think I need one of your motivating posts

Today I have reached my first ever six weeks completely gamble free . Day 42 –

It should be a great day but I have such anxiety over things that I have had another night with hardly any sleep. However , because I am not gambling I am clear headed enough to take the actions I need to work in the issues which are causing the anxiety.
Like many others on here – I finally am getting the serenity prayer – ” change the things I can ” – change does not come without effort – it is a process – and I am putting in the effort and I can see small but encouraging changes .

Sometimes I read posts and it sounds like there is an expectation that I will gamble – I will not . I think we have to be so careful to use language which is motivating. However I guess I have overcome that dependency where I felt frustrated and listened to the message that I couldn’t do it .
I have a few good snippets which I refer to when I feel discouraged – one is Geordie’s assertion that slips are not inevitable – they are a choice . I am choosing not to relapse
-Not because of barriers (but yes the barriers I have in place are really helpful in giving me thinking time ), not because my money is tied up somewhere ( although a lot of it is ) , not because every second of my day is planned and filled .

I will not gamble because
1. I absolutely know I will lose a lot of money – my addiction prevents me from ever winning at gambling.
2. I am not chasing lost money because I have accepted it is gone
3. I am using support which works for me .
4. I have barriers set at a level that work for me – this does not mean I have urges ever – although they have been very scarce the important thing is that I don’t act on them. I would describe my current urges are fleeting thoughts although I am aware that my body is in many ways missing its fix .
5. I absolutely know that once I start to gamble I am powerless – my body goes into a trance like state and I am powerless to stop – I have to make sure I don’t give away my power – which I hold onto every time I say no to gambling.

I don’t think any person with gambling addiction WANTS to gamble Vera – especially not those seeking help – I think the addiction gives them intense urges – sometimes these can be so intense that no barrier will stand between them and a gamble – money can be stolen , a new venue can be found and time is the easiest barrier of all- we can just disappear .

I think where I went wrong in the past – I focused on the negative consequences of gambling . I just wanted relief from the pain of the aftermath .
Now I focus on the positive consequences of not gambling – I am finding things which were completely out of reach are becoming a reality . I feel hope for the future .
I have always been a “glass half full ” person so I am using that knowledge to keep myself motivated . I have read several times that most people with gambling compulsion are eternal optimists-we always think the big win will come – maybe that’s why the positive aspects of not gambling are more motivating.

Monica , you are so right – things have changed for me -and I guess not being distracted means I can see things clearly .
I have to take responsibility too for how far I have let things go while I hid in my own little world of addiction .
If I am working on me – it occurs to me that I also need to work on my relationship . Before gambling I found many other escapes – marriage is hard – we have gotten into unhealthy patterns .

It may sound silly to others on here – but because of my upbringing and I guess my own faith , I would find it very difficult To walk away from my marriage – it does need work , but I have not put that work in. In every other area of my life I am constantly working at improvement – even if it’s just reading about it – yet with my marriage – I have just decided to ignore things. Having said that I am no longer happy to be a doormat for anyone – and I am making choices which will give me the happiest future I can have .

Six weeks – I wonder when I read back on this post in six months time what will I think .?

[i-did-it]

Thank you Geordie and Vera .
Geordie I seem to be having a lot of moments right now .
Vera I think gambling might give me relief from this feeling for a while .
Just too much stuff all at once – you know the way life hits us sometimes.
Day 42 tomorrow –

[Author]

Posts