[i-did-it]

Kin we are all imperfect humans .
You are hard on yourself .
Perhaps you recognise your short comings more that others .

I would love to read a post where you talk about all the good things you are.
We are all a mixture of good and bad – what do you consider to be your good points ?

Keep strong my friend .

[i-did-it]

Thank you Monica

You are right – once the decision is made it will reduce the stress. It is made – I don’t like the decision but sometimes in life we don’t relay have a choice . We have to do the right thing .
Today is day 47.
Still thinking about the lottery lol.

I have absolutely no desire to play slots – it just seems so silly .
I think it is Nick who has written about brain connections becoming weaker and I think that is happening .

I go away on a weekend break today – I will see a new country, a new way of life – already I find myself wondering if I win the lottery there will I be able to claim it as a non citizen.
How’s that for crazy thinking ?

I am
Blessed to have this opportunity and I am going to make the most of it .
Hope everyone has a really great day

[i-did-it]

Monica as a Christian I would say steer away from “all that stuff”.
I perhaps have a naive view or perhaps I was given a glaringly huge sign which I read – but there is only one healer who heals through miracles .
I find it absolutely easy to accept that there is a link between addiction and “new age practices”.
I refuse to even do yoga now and over all as I gradually feel cleansed from the things I dabbled in many years ago -I find feel cleansed inside and outwardly .
My life Had improved so much – mostly by the removal of negative people -and the introduction of positive ones – this has happened over time -maybe this is why the addiction is proving easier to beat this time. Also many people who have been in my life a long time – for example at work- at last see the real me and the seem to like what they see.
.
I think your life is starting to follow the same pattern.. I think people who have dragged you down (Pete?) are leaving and the positive people (your children? Us ?) are becoming ever more prominent figures.
I think you would find solace (and maybe even contacts !) in a good Christian church Monica.
You are a good person. I don’t think you are a snob and I know Laura doesn’t think so – we both have formed friendships with you and that is because we value you and like you- it really is that simple !

– I never reached any dizzy heights in my career , but I know that to bring in a good salary means so many sacrifices – the biggest being time with our kids. My happiest days are when I’m off and there is a lovely dinner sitting on the table when my child gets home. It is difficult now to turn our back on all those sacrificed times and accept less !

Thank you for chatting last night- I am still anxious but I am
Clearer in my mind about what I have to do – I think sometimes we forget how fragile our mental health is and looking after that is my priority right now .

[i-did-it]

Hi Jaykay
I remember those three steps only too well.
I remember how I couldn’t get through them quickly enough
I remember the huge buzz when a deposit was accepted
I also remember the awful feeling of self hatred and disgust afterwards – when the money was gone and you remembered all the things you could have spent it on.

Definitely not worth it and now that my brain has cleared , I wonder how could I have been so stupid ?

Thank you for this post Jaykay- it triggered a memory I never want to repeat !

[i-did-it]

Hi Laura ,
Great to see you posting .
I hope you are feeling lots better .
Seems impossible to catch anyone in groups
I missed you and Johnny in the late group
I go on holiday tomorrow and of course my latest flu relapse has occurred today so not sure if I will make it .
This is the most incredible and longest flu.

Take care – enjoy ur tv shows
Xx

[i-did-it]

Well done IQ
U are making great progress in your recovery. The chats are at very bad times for the uk and Ireland too.
Exercise is a great idea – take the body and the mind will follow.
It is good that you have a good friend to listen to you and encourage you
Keep strong – you are doing great

[i-did-it]

It must be a post gambling thing but I have watched a every series of my crazy ex girlfriend, all of Atypical , and several other full series of others shows since I stopped gambling .
I binge watch and love it – the great thing about Netflix is you can actually have conversations with people about it – I couldn’t sit in work and discuss gambling on line until 6am!

Perhaps we beat ourselves up too much – my motivation is pretty low too – but does it really matter for now ?

Just maybe we should allow ourselves to actually enjoy those lazy days – guilt has become such a huge part of our lives .

[i-did-it]

I love this Micky – it’s a great reminder of the amount of power we actually do have over our lives . I am so pleased to read that your money is being spent wisely – and not given to others to enjoy ! You are feeding the good wolf right now !

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica,
I will chat to you in group about my current stress. I have had too many posts pulled apart and reassembled with a totally different and quite likely deliberately negative perspective to discuss readily on here( for too many years). I am doing well in recovery at last and I no longer prepared to leave myself open to saboteurs.

I do get what you are saying and I do understand – I couldn’t bear to go backwards in my career either . It would feel like my whole life’s work and learning was for nothing. I still have ambition to move forward and I think I will.

Pete is going – yippee! He is a constant reminder of his appalling treatment off you after your illness. Speaks volumes about him!

Rant and rave if you need to – the rule better out than in applies to most things in our lives. Imagine the sense of freedom when he goes- you will be unstuck in one part of your life. That’s a great start.

Hope I get to meet you in group. I go away in the morning but will try to stay in touch
Xx

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica, I’m not sure if the same level of pay is still available in the current financial climate but I feel if you undersell yourself you will lose confidence – and it is so difficult to climb up again.

A period of illness or even time out can be explained easier than why you felt the need to pack shelves – I think !

A job will turn up soon- perhaps connect with as many recruitment agencies as possible ?

I think Laura is more concerned about your nutrition or lack of it right now .

Keep strong !

[i-did-it]

Thank you Nick

Sorry to those I should have posted.
I have extreme anxiety and cannot seem to find the head space to post.

A decision I don’t want to take is being forced upon me.
I have to do the right thing but the right thing isn’t always black and white. Can you do the right and wrong thing at the same time? I guess the anxiety I am feeling will eventually be the decider .
Day 46- only thoughts of gambling is the usual lottery.
I look back and wonder how I ever threw so much into slot machines .
I wonder can anxiety kill you?
It seems when one area of your life is really good , another falls apart .

[i-did-it]

Thank you Lizbeth and Laura
Day 45

Feeling very anxious – kinda extreme .

[i-did-it]

Hi Kin,
Thank you for your post on another thread .
Sometimes it’s hard to know online whether people want us to post on their thread or not and I’m not sure if you prefer to keep yours as your own personal diary or if you like replies .

I am very drawn to your thread at the moment because as a side effect of not gambling. I find I am become very aware of what I eat – in the past eating was as mindless and impulsive as gambling .

I find that when I eat really good food I don’t crave chocolate and rubbish – so I now spend the little extra on good quality food and save on the junk food I used to crave.
Good luck with the keto diet – I tried it once but my mood swings were so extreme I had to stop .

Keep posting. KIn.

[i-did-it]

Thank u everyone .
Just time to say day 44.
Onwards and upwards !

[i-did-it]

Lisbeth,
You are so right ! Shopping is the best .
This is how my thinking is now .
I have a home that needs thousands spent on it .
I have so little money and it seems everyone’s priorities in terms of money are being met except mine – I need a decent home not another trip !

I have also had a reality check – even though I believed that I have not got myself into too much difficulty , now that I can face it , I realise that I have 5500 on credit cards since last summer . This needs to be paid – and while my over all debts have come down by a huge amount it seems I have been in denial about my actual debt amount . My credit is shot so I cannot get money on lower interest to pay this .
I am going To ring them and arrange yet another repayment plan if I can .
I won’t have a credit card but in truth I think I am unfit ever to hold a credit card.
Being accepted for a credit card and having it arrive in the post gives me exactly the same feeling as walking into a casino and sitting at a machine – the anticipation , the buzz- it is like money for nothing.

So I will treat myself to something as you suggest Lizbeth – but I feel I have put myself into such a corner .

My options at this stage are not my choices .
I will have to get employment which pays more , or take on extra work, or accept my circumstances .

I have been thinking a lot
Things I want in my life :

– I want to move closer to my family .
I’m not sure this will ever happen.

-I want a decent home after all my years of work

– I want peace in my mind and in my heart

– I want my child to be happy

– I don’t want to feel I am living someone else’s life which has been untruthfully imposed upon me.

– I want to have the motivation to make things happen.

– I want to stop feeling overwhelmed

– I want to stop feeling lonely and lost

I sound so miserable – withdrawal is no fun!

[Author]

Posts