[harmaz]

Yesterday I borrowed extra 200euros from a private lender. Originally I was hoping to use it for my daily expenses. Then comes the little sound inside my head ” try the online casino on one of the sites you recently signed on”. It took me half an hour to start depositing. 20,30,30,30…. at the end I am back to broke miserable.
nAt this moment I feel hopeless, access to money is my main problem as I see it. But what do I know I am compulsive gambler. Some years ago my therapist said I should tell my wife and hand her the financial control. I still don’t want to tell my wife. Under perfect case scenario I want to cleanup my mess and behaviour and moveon. I am both ashamed and terrified that my wife will be broken and eventually leave me. Look at how I think, I am probably the most selfish person, after being a crap husband, it is still about me me me.
nI am not sure what I am going to do i don’t see any hope on my behaviour nor do I have a concrete plan.
nWhy why why…. Why is it so difficult to control my acts when all I is bad outcome. During my therapy my therapist mentioned that it could be genetically I am more prone to addiction. As much as I don’t want to believe that it is ringing a bell.
nI am starting to mix up things by going back all the years from my collage times. What was my thinking? Does my therapist’s point has a merit?
n “Oh just while writing this my wife is so positive and kissing me for good day as she head to work. Poor babe you have no idea how dishonest and idiot your husband is”
nBack to my early memories, I grow up in Africa and from low income single mother. so there was no really much access to money as we don’t had it. It is also illegal to gamble there so there are no casinos but I use to hear stories that there were private poker gambles. Nevertheless, I remember going every weekends to play BINGO, which was allowed. And the going is not that troubles me but the line of thoughts I had was to get more money by hoping my numbers will draw. Fast forward to my Europe life, I come to study masters and I was always curious to go to casino.in the first three years I never went because I was scared and shy to go there alone. After three years I start working and then one day we were going to cinema with my work buddies and before the movie start one of my colleagues suggest we go to nearby casino. We all went in and played for like 10mins. That was the first time I stepped in in to an actual casino. That day I did nothing just saw all the arcades and roulette and was fascinated. Then after, I start to go to the casino by my self and soon I start to lose my money and that was the beginning of my end. I have moved to 3 different cities for work and all the times I managed to find casino around me.
nOne day I was unable to go to a casino and I asked my self is there an online casino. Indeed there are a lot of them. At first I didn’t trust the online thing but then I start reading reviews and selected one site that is trusted by the locals. I was amazed how easy it is. Anyway, then the compulsive behaviour become apparent and all my credit cards were on limit. I even start to use my wife’s,then girlfriend, credit card. At first year of my gambling I realised this is not going to work and closed all my credit cards and gave back my wife her credit card. But still I was using my salary effectively on gambling.
nEnough for now…. I don’t even know why I am off-loading on who ever reads this, what a pethathic person am I.

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