[Gino]

Good Morning Everyone, I wanted to give an update since I recently got out of rehab for gambling addiction. I first posted in Jun and continued to have slips until I went to rehab this past Jul at a facility in Toronto. Even after first posting here and going to GA (for a couple months at that point) I still gambled and my depression got worse and worse, as identified above. Since I realized I had a problem I have lost 40k since April and gambled online a week up until I went to rehab. I was completely hopeless and thought about suicide frequently…even going as far as making a suicide bag but failing because I didn’t get a big enough helium tank.

Anyways, I’m glad I failed, and I’m glad I got helped before I blew the rest of my savings and took on debt. The first three weeks at rehab were tough but I had several one on one sessions focusing on my views on money and why I was doing what I was doing. I may never know all of the reason why I gambled but I know a large part of it was that I was hoarding money and not spending anything on myself besides gambling (I’m excited to buy some new clothes and furniture this weekend and am becoming more balanced). I met people at the rehab who had stories like mine but had gone longer and caused more damage overall. There were three times over the six weeks I had an uncontrollable urge to gamble, and before rehab this kept me in the loop of gambling and depression. I thought it would be a good idea to watch the movie “21” and see how I reacted. It made me so excited and I was convinced if I counted cards and only played black jack at land casinos and not online I would make my money back…luckily I wasn’t able to gamble. The last couple of days before I left I had a lot of anxiety but it’s been two weeks on the “outside” and I haven’t gambled (online black jack was my thing) but I’m not letting my guard down. Been triggered a couple times, but knowing what I know now it’s been easier. I feel what has helped me the most has been getting my depression under control and actually taking meds, when I was depressed I thought losing 10k was the end of the world….but I just couldn’t get over it and it made the gambling worse and worse. I know bad things will happen in the future but I know I won’t use gambling to cope with them. I have been “clean” since 5 Jul 18 and I’m so happy that I’m not thinking about gambling, guilt and shame 24/7. It’s still there a bit the whole thing still sucks but it’s not crippling me anymore. I’m actually interested in things I enjoyed before and also have a new lady friend to hang out with who knows I’m in recovery from gambling and doesn’t seem to mind.

I highly recommend Bellwood in Toronto for anyone who is having trouble beating this and their current action plan hasn’t been working. From my understanding they are the only inpatient rehab in Canada that has a specific gambling program, others lump you in with alcohol/drug addiction (any rehab is good but I wouldn’t have gotten as nearly as much out of it if it wasn’t focused on gambling). They do stress total abstinence and as we know drinking goes with gambling, I would like to drink again but I’m scared what will happen if I do, and I’m not sure how that will play out. Now I know life can get worse and there’s still a lot left I can lose so that should hopefully keep me on the straight and narrow, I do not ever plan on gambling ever again. Thank you for reading… Eugene

[Gino]

Hi Everyone,

It looks like I’m going to rehab for gambling in an attempt to kick this once and for all.
I am struggling constantly of the what if’s and how much better my life would have been just three months ago if I didn’t use gambling to self medicate when I was upset from my situation.
Since I knew I had a gambling problem in April after spiralling out online the time has just flown by and I’ve honestly done nothing since due to the depression.
All the missed opportunities and chances to excel in my job are all overlooked now because of the depression.
And now I smoke, which I never use to do before. I also can’t remember, sleep, or concentrate on the most basics of tasks.
It’s a beautiful day outside but I don’t feel emotions anymore I just stay flat. Everyone knows about my problem and the friends I thought I had have since drifted by the wayside.
I hate that I did this to myself and that I’m relegated to being a walking zombie for the rest of my life, which I really hope isn’t to long to be honest.
If things don’t get any better after rehab I’m really out of options and want to make an exit bag. I didn’t lose the time to gambling, because you can lose so much so quickly online. But I’ve lost it to the depression that makes doing anything impossible…eating right, working out, were all things that I did before I gambled online.
It’s just a horrible existence and I wish I never gambled in the first place.
What I really hate is how it’s destroyed my confidence and self esteem, whereabouts beforehand I never had trouble finding a nice girl to spend time with, now I have no interest in that and I’ll be turning 30 soon with a shattered life.
What’s the point in living if there is no happiness or joy…why didn’t I learn my lesson after maxing out my CC the first time.
As you can probably tell my writing and structure is horrible, likely because now I don’t care about anything….
I just keep feeling what’s the point of it all….

[Gino]

Hi Everyone, Since I wrote this initial post I did increase the damage, I literally keep thinking I can keep winning the money back. I’ve been having crazy mood swings, I think this is why I keep relapsing. I’m not able to forgive myself and whenever I gamble I gamble large and play until there is nothing left. In 90 days Ive run through 40k, absolutely wild. There is no way I can gamble responsibly, I have finally accepted this. I live in a beautiful city (Kingston), Im young, with a good job, and I’ve had no problem finding “company” in the past. The money is one thing, but gambling has literally taken away everything good in my life. It’s to the point where I can’t enjoy anything at all, it’s a miserable existence, no energy or desire to do anything. I swallowed my pride and asked the military if they could send me to rehab, so that will be happening for two months beginning next week, I also have a problem with booze. After a GA meeting today I feel like I finally got it, and gambling is done for me….for good. I’m hopeful when I get out at the end of the summer I will have better coping mechanisms and can resume my career. I know I’ve been very emotional on the forum but I have been in a whirlwind of emotions and it’s brutal. Yesterday I was speaking to my counsellor and I realized how warped my brain has become as a result of this addiction. He said, “You should be happy, you haven’t blown everything, you still have 100k in the bank, more than most soldiers your age”. I replied with, “That only makes it worse considering what I’ve lost”. I’m not sure if it’s the gambling, the years of drinking, or the depression from gambling but his comment pissed me off. Another part of my problem is that up until Apr I have been great with money, not buying much and saving everything…. I think this might have had an impact on how I exploded with the online gambling. I’ve been very open with my family and friends, maybe alittle to much. My poor mother, I just call her and freak out on a regular basis and that’s added to my guilt and shame. How long did you guys find until you were actually able to get a good nights sleep? The worst part about this whole thing, IMO, is that I haven’t behaved as a military officer should. It makes me feel like I don’t deserve my life or my job, everything was great up until a few months ago. It’s wild how you can have a loving partner, approaching a career milestone, and money to do whatever you like and 100 days later you just lay in bed all day wanting to die (I even bought a helium tank on the weekend….). I know I’ve always had something wrong with me over the years, I just wish it didn’t turn about to be this addiction that wastes money and makes you sick constantly. I guess the best case scenario is starting the fall a couple of months “clean” with a better way of thinking. This may be a bit personal, but I’ve noticed since this all began my libido has completely crashed, I believe this is a result of the major depression I am in. Is this common for compulsive gamblers? Will I ever get back to the way that I felt before? Happy, confident, driven, sense of humour?

[Gino]

Nothing looks better, can’t stop gambling and wasting my money. I’m trying to research painless ways to go like a suicide bag (w/ heilium because I don’t want to make a mess.
I’ve been considering this for weeks and haven’t had a good day in months.
I know it’s going to hurt those who care about me but I can’t live like this anymore. I just hope it is successful and I don’t screw it up.
I appreciate everyone’s advice and kind words but this is a life im willing and ready to leave behind.

[Gino]

I woke up feeling the same as I’ve felt since this has all began. A complete useless fool, every day is a struggle just to get to the end so I can crawl into my bed and wait until the next day of work.
I use to love my job but now I don’t like anything and it’s made me a selfish, angry, bitter, and impatient person. And I know there is no one to blame but myself.
A small voice in my head comes out when I drink wanting to die but now its constant after I’ve wasted my savings in such a stupid way.
I can’t think or focus all I think about day and night is what a fool I am. I’m 28 years old, it’s summer, I (was) a good looking guy but I feel like my body is slowly shutting down. My life will never be the same and I can’t handle another 20 years feeling this way, underperforming in every aspect of my life and having no joy or happiness.
I can’t believe this is how my story is going to end, I HAD EVERYTHING and threw it all a way.
It’s not just the money, I had money, it’s my confidence and self respect and who I was as a person.
Now all those close to me know about my problem and I can’t handle to know what they must think.
This was the worst mistake of my life it has ruined everything that I use to enjoy.

[Gino]

I’ve made things worse and I’m at the point now where I feel there is no turning back. I gambled again, getting around the blocker all the while telling myself I could win it back. I did this with my family surrounding me for Christ sakes. I will never be rid of this and all I want to do now is kill myself, I am in a major depression and can’t do anything, sleep, work, take care of myself.
I would estimate that throughout my life I have probably lost 50k, 40k of that alone in the last 3 months.
I know I have no one to blame but myself but that doesn’t make it any easier. My mental and physical health is declining and I know that life is no longer worth living as I can’t live with myself and shame in that my friends, family, and even co workers know about my serious problem.
I’m not the same person anymore and no one wants to be around me which I can’t blame. I can’t go on another day living like this, the pain is unbearable.
I feel like ending my life is selfish but I hope my family will understand, I’m a burden to everyone and anything around me right now.
I’m chronically anxious and looking back it’s hitting me hard the exact extent to what I have done.
It’s impossible to work knowing I’ve blown over a years salary playing a rigged blackjack casino game. It didn’t matter how much I was “UP” I would just keep playing until I had nothing and couldn’t get anymore money.
This may be my last time posting if I have the courage to take that final step and end it.

[Gino]

I appreciate the comments from you guys, prior to this gambling had never been an issue and your right Permalink it got me when I was at my most desperate. I’m on day 7 now and in the past I told myself that I would stop but I didn’t put blocks in place and went a week or so then maxed out my CC again adding up the total of losses.

The toughest part now is not being able to sleep or work at my full potential because I can’t stop thinking about the money I lost. I thought it was bad at 10k but now over 30k it’s worse, I can’t imagine how I would feel if it kept snow balling.

My mother is paying my bills online now (internet, electric, phone) and there isn’t a way for me to gamble and throw more money away. I’m really looking forward to the time I can start to enjoy life again and get back to my old self.

I did enjoy gambling, but not how its made me feel the last couple months since things went out of control.

I’ll keep posting, I appreciate the kind words.

[Gino]

Hi

[Author]

Posts