[Gidge72]

Thank you Jenny,
My best friend is on alert if I need to run, she lives closer than my parents. Another friend of mine is a chief of police, and we have a code word if I need help. Then, my parents, and sister are on alert if I need to get out of there. The next two weeks, he is on call for a few days during the week, so I get some space from him. He does not know that I have organized my safety net, and I just think he is in denial that things are pretty bad between us. But, I am looking forward to the next three nights without him, and hopefully have a little peace in my home.

[Gidge72]

Well, I have not had my debit card with me for the last 3 weeks, and only take out cash for the week from the bank teller. I have stopped carrying my check book for about two months. He got livid a few weeks ago, when I did not have my debit card and wanted me to call he son to bring it to me. I told him no. He has said some pretty harsh things to me, and the craziest thing he said was that it was my fault for not paying bills. Right now I am very angry at him. I sent out a nice email a few weeks ago about how he needed help and what I was going to do to take care of myself. He just said well said. I figured that this past weekend was going to make or break us…but it just fizzed. He won’t talk to me, until I say no on taking out money. Then it is the irrational two year old tantrum. He says that he does love me, and right now I just do not believe him anymore. I have been telling more of our friends about what is going on, and several have told me if I need to get out fast, I have a place to stay for awhile, or to just hide out in a safe place. So, there is where I am at, and just waiting for this thing to explode and get real ugly real fast.

[Gidge72]

Thank you….I did talk to his sister this morning about what is going on. She has been in recovery of alcohol, and is very active in her program. So, now his side of the family knows the dark secret. She is very supportive on getting help in recovery, and doing the right thing.

[Gidge72]

Ugh….he is so depressed….just asked him if had any suicidal plans…he told me not today….he won’t look at me…he just has a big dark cloud over him…

[Gidge72]

Thank you Velvet and nomore56.
It has been so long that I have taken care of myself. Need to remember what I used to do. 🙂

My boys are 11 and 7 from a previous marriage. They are the biggest factors in me seriously thinking of leaving. I don’t have any more chances for him. If I have to my dad said I could move in with him, till I get myself caught up and find a new place. School is almost out, so if this happens soon, things will be okay for a few months. So, I have options to go to…

I just go from being angry, scared, resentful, sad, hopeless, helpless, and worthless. I just stayed in my office most of the day, and did not make an effort to see who I needed to see where I worked, and just read the different topics on this website.

As for hb, he continues to be really depressed, and not saying much. One of his strategies was to remodel his mom’s old place to keep him busy and out of trouble. He did talk about that this evening to get started. At least if we seperate, I know he has a place to live, and not too far from his work. BTW, he does not own a car, he lost his motorcycle a few months ago bc of his gambling. I think that his bank is no longer allowing him to overdraft his account at the ATM in the casinos. I do hope that he decides to get help, and I do hope that he gets serious about his recovery, but my boys are important to me, and I am important to me too.

I understand addiction is selfish and wants the addicts’ full attention. I was there with that with alcohol. Drowning the shame and guilt night after night, waking up in the morning and not liking the person that I saw in the mirror. Yet, continuing it the next day…

Again, thank you for your support and me rambling on like this.

[Gidge72]

Two of his team mates know about his addiction. One of them understands because he goes to the casinos, but he only brings a little, leaves his check book and credit cards in a safe at his house. The other team mate does not understand why he just does not just quit. My husband does not know that I told them, but I knew they needed to know what was going on and why my husband has been acting different. Plus, I knew that the friend that gambles would understand some what.

Just have been exhausted the last couple of days thinking of my options and what I need to do. We both do not say anything, and just trying to pretend that things are okay when they are not. I am afraid to say anything to him, but he needs to know that financially things are not good. He somewhat knows, but chooses to ignore the situtation. Just feels like I have been living a nightmare the last 12 months and I just want to wake up.

[Gidge72]

Thank you Velvet,
He was in recovery for many years from alcohol before I met him. So, I did not experience that addiction. Yes, I agree being in a profession where you help others with their addiction and struggling with this is more difficult. His fear is that he will lose his license if he sought out professional help, but I think it is an excuse right now. I see him physically struggle with the addiction to gamble when we stay home. I myself am in recovery from alcohol, and understand the physical and mental part of addiction. I am also a counselor of mental health and substance abuse, and it is so frustrating to be on this end of it. I have been feeling alone in this till I let my family know about it this past weekend, but I felt like I needed to seek out people who have been there. I also understand that he did not seek this out, and that his addiction was just waiting for this opportunity. We do not have a Gamblers Anonymous group where we live, and the closet one is an hours drive away. Which, helps with the excuse to not go to one, may be next week(what he always says). I have even suggested we get back to going to AA meetings, just to get back in the habit. However, when we are not really working on our program, we are easily to point out others’ short comings and not getting what we need out of the meetings. I am still undecided, and I have been seeking out what is best for me. I am not wanting to make a quick decision, till I feel that I found the right answer for me. I realize it is up to him to make that decision, and he does admit to the problem, he just has not made the next step to actively participate in the recovery of his problem. Here where we live he can ban himself from casinos and has the paperwork to fill out, just has not done so due to this billards tournament he is in with his teamates in a few weeks. I know it is just another excuse. I have stopped taking my check book with me, and now all my credit cards. We do not have joining accounts, and his account is so over drawn he cannot get out anything to even pay off things. He verbally manipulates me to get money out of my account in the past, and that is why I stopped taking anything that he could talk me out of. My parents and sister did not give me money, and I have told them to help out just send a prepaid gas card or a gift card from the grocery. Anyway, thank you for your response, I have my boys this week and pick them up from daycare at 5. But I do look forward to geting on the chats soon.

I will keep you updated.

Gidge

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