[gemneuro21]

Thank you both for the virtual hugs ☺️

Things have been much better. We went on a ‘date night’ and we really talked and relaxed together. He has now told all his family, we saw many of them at the weekend and they were very supportive.

My mood has improved thankfully. I’ve been exercising and meditating pretty much daily. I’m trying to think forwards not backwards and my husband is really trying to make me happy.

The anxiety is still there. I’ve left him downstairs watching football and that is really worrying me right now. But tomorrow I will talk to him about how this made him feel and also explain how it made me feel too.

Thank you for being so supportive when things were so dark. It is really so sad that this issue affects so many of us…..

Xx

[gemneuro21]

Hi everyone

I’ve not been on for several days, I haven’t had the energy or strength. I’ve really been struggling, I don’t think I have ever felt so depressed. I’ve also been really busy with work and to be honest I think that, and having to look after the kids, has been the only thing keeping me going. I even looked in my diary yesterday to see if there was an appropriate date to have a nervous breakdown, but alas, I would appear I have to keep going until Easter.

Yesterday I went for a massive walk and listened to a ‘mindfulness’ app and that really helped. I did it again whilst having a bath and this morning I went to yoga and I feel lot’s better. Yesterday I just wanted to lay on the floor and scream so today is a massive improvement. Today I just feel sad. But not so sad that I feel I won’t recover, which is progress.

My husband, for the first time, is making such an effort to look after me. He has cooked for me three times in one week (he prob cooked three times all of last year….!), he put something on the TV that he knows I like (in the past I have been watching something and he has literally turned it over without even realizing that I was in the room) and he stopped messing with his phone all the time after I told him how much it was stressing me out. He has also advised me to have some time to myself at the weekend which I will do. For the first time that I can remember, he is looking after me, rather than the other way round. He is really trying and I love him for it.

It is so sad that he has only just realized the effect all of this has had on me. It is like he is only just realizing i am there again. Yesterday I thought about just going into A&E and just laying on the floor so that someone would try make it all better…….It has been a week since all this blew open and nobody at work has even noticed a difference in me/ This is so odd because inside I feel like I’m rotting away and I would have thought that would maybe show on the outside. Clearly not. The only hug I’ve had is from the kids. But today, at least the agonizing sadness is less. I’m hoping my mum will come over soon so I can get that hug.

I think the sadness stems from the fact that that I feel undervalued, disrespected and unloved. This isn’t the first time my husband has intentionally deceived me. The lies and the deceit are not simply part of the gambling addiction, I have been here before with his other addictions and it is the fact that he is so comfortable with lying that really worries me. He is going to GA tonight though and he went on Tuesday so again, all steps in the right direction.

My father was an alcoholic who compulsively lied to me throughout his addiction and I feel like I’m now back into this cycle of lies and hurt. As a kid and young adult I always had this feeling of dread that it was all about to kick off and of course it would, and he would fall off the wagon. That feeling is back. However my Dad never wanted to stop. At least my husband does.

Anyway, that was a rather depressing post. I will keep trying to look after myself like you have all suggested and thank you for your valuable advice.

[gemneuro21]

Thank you all for reassuring me that my emotions are normal. I feel anything but normal right now!

The support my husband had got for GA and here means he is quite accepting of me taking over the finances and actually, that he has more control since he is ‘choosing’ to do this.

I agree with comments about it almost being like he has had a lover. I certainly feel that me and the kids came ‘second’ to the addiction and that is still what hurts. I still can’t believe how easy he found it to lie and steal from me. It makes me think that he COULD easily lie about cheating or other stuff which is a large cause of the knot in my stomach.

I think as a non gambler I just still find it difficult to understand which is why is it useful to hear from CGs. Please do continue to share your stories, it helps!

I’m working on my own recovery. I will pick up on yoga Eric this week but today has been awful. I’ve just felt so depressed. I feel like a shell of my former self, drifting through life in a cloud of numbness. I just wanted to freeze time and disappear today and be away from all of this.

The husband is trying really hard. It’s clear he is worried and he is trying to support me and asking what he can do to help. The problem is, I have no idea. He has cleaned and cooked today whilst I stared into space, I’ve only just started to snap out of it. I think my head is just tired and needed some space today. I hope tomorrow is better. I’m at work so that will help distract me.

Thanks guys x

[gemneuro21]

Thank you for those comforting words. A week ago I had a perfect life but over the last few days I think I have gone through every emotion possible.

I awoke this morning from a series of nightmares. I dreamt my husband had left me for a woman he met at GA. I also dreamt he sold our car. I hate this paranoia and anxiety.

Today was odd- I felt more normal and we went about the day doing our normal Saturday jobs, shopping, playing with the kids etc. Then every now and again my stomach would lurch and remind me that despite the front, things aren’t normal. Once the kids are in bed I get the horrible feeling of uneasiness. Tonight we watched a film and ate pizza, it was nice! But as I lay in bed writing this, I hear him downstairs watching football and I’ve no idea if he is on his phone, downloading more gambling apps, checking bets etc. Urg. He still has his head in his phone all the time which isn’t helping. Every time I hear anything sports related my heart skips a beat, even if he is just watching the latest scores or whatever. I wish he would just throw the bloody phone away!

Thanks for the advice about the support group. At the moment I feel like I’m not ready to do that year but I will think about it.

X

[gemneuro21]

Thank you for your kind reply.

I read your F&F cycle post. Parts of it made sense. His addiction is online so was on his phone constantly. He often seem frustrated if I questioned him about it or wanted to do anything over the weekend (especially when the football scores were coming in!).

You asked about his cocaine addiction- this stopped only when we moved cities and he completely cut the people out of his life who he did drugs with.

He went to his first GA meeting last night. When he left I had a panic attack and convinced myself he was either on a gambling splurge or worse, that he was going to kill himself. It’s clear that this has shook me to a level that I’m only just beginning to understand…… I hope this anxiety will fade with time.

My husband seems massively elated and positive after his meeting. He doesn’t have many friends (since the post cocaine friend cull) so it’s nice that he has some ‘male’ support.

I on the other hand feel emotionally drained now. The intense emotions have passed and I feel numb. This all seems very real now.

I work full time and most evenings so ‘me’ time is difficult. I’m hoping to get to a few yoga sessions next week to clear my head.

We will need to sort finances out this weekend- he has spoken to his new GA buddies and I think they have made him feel better about me taking over.

Thanks again, your comments are really helping. It’s nice not to feel so alone in this mess 🙂

[gemneuro21]

Thank you again for your words of support.

I feel a fool because I think deep down I didn’t believe he had stopped but I just pretended everything was ok as I didn’t want my family to fall apart. This time it is so real and I can’t ignore it or cover it up anymore. He has a problem. A massive one. And I can’t fix it and that is so upsetting.

I think my husband joined a one of the support sessions on here last night and he said he is going to a physical group tonight. This is the first time he has sought help so at least that is some progress. I’m not sure if he will keep it up but there is no point worrying about that now.

Today I feel less angry but more sad. I have suggested to my husband that I should take over all the payments and that he should transfer his salary to me so that there isn’t the temptation. He recently got a pay rise and I think seeing such a large amount of accessible funds in his account will be too hard to resist. I feel like I am treating him like a child but I just don’t trust him not to gamble it. It will help me sleep better knowing that I have more control. I seemed annoyed when I suggested it but he agreed. I don’t know if this is the right thing to do or if this will just force him into more devious ways of obtaining money. Or maybe it will just make him resent me.

Hopefully he will learn to control this. He has an addictive personality. MANY many years ago, he was addicted to cocaine. Then it was smoking. Now gambling. I’m worried that if he controls this addiction he will just start up a new one.

I’m hoping that if he continues to get help he will be able to at least be honest with someone, even if it isn’t me, and that will help him through this.

Thanks again. It really is helpful to have someone to talk to. My family are so emotional about it- they all have their own idea of what I should do and I am trying to ignore them whilst my head and heart battle it out.

Gem

[gemneuro21]

Thank you for your words of support. I need it right now. I feel like a complete fool for letting this happen to my family but also an emotional wreck and completely unable to cope right now.

I have now spoke to my husband. He says he did stop for a while and that he self excluded from a number of sites. But then he got ‘bored’ and joined new ones. it would appear (though I don’t know what to believe) that he is gambling less, but with larger amounts. He says he will stop (again) and he says he will seek help. I have directed him to this site.

I also have told his family. They are very saddened. I think they will be supportive once they get over the shock but at the minute he has been ‘told off’ from what I can gather. His dad is his ‘gambling buddy’ they go to the races etc and so I think he will be really upset about this too. I only managed to text him as to talk is still too hard for me right now.

He said he will join support groups etc but I have heard this all before. For our whole relationship I have co-ordinated everything for us, buying a house, choosing holidays, picking the bloody sofa, writing his CV, choosing the kids Christmas presents, buying their clothes, buying his bloody clothes………… I’m all out of faith. If I can’t do it for him, then I just don’t believe he wants to stop gambling that badly.

I keep trying to use the kids as my sense of reason. If I stay they have a loving father figure, but he could potentially cost them their home if this continues. Or I cut and run, they still see their dad (but less frequently) and I will be skint but in control, with a bunch of logistical issues (such as school run problems) and without the love of my life (as was, I’m not sure he is the same person I married).

I have told him how I feel. I have told him that I am broken. I don’t even know if he will even bother to try and fix this or if he is even in love with me and if this is his way of escaping.

Sorry for off loading. I am still in the ‘cry when I try to speak’ stage so just typing this is quite therapeutic.

Gem

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