[Gbabyh]

I thank you for your comment. I’m sitting in a quiet place and thinking, and yes, it does feel good and I should be proud of the progress I’ve made. I’m grateful for having come this far – I can thank the people at my GA meetings and those around me a lot for this. Let’s march on together!

– Chris

[Gbabyh]

So it’s been a while since my last post. I’ve been very stressed and worried lately. and I guess that’s why I haven’t found the strength, time and will to do any updating here. However, I figured that this is a milestone and that I should probably say something. In fact, there is something I want to announce, but let me just fill you up with what I’ve been doing lately.

I finally finished my Bachelor’s thesis, which was due July, 31. I was not really happy with the final product, but at the moment I just need to get through this education to the best of my ability so that I can allocate more time to my recovery. I will be defending it August, 27, so hopefully I get a decent grade – otherwise, I think it will be a hard blow to me.
A decision I have had to make was canceling my summer elective course from August, 12 to August 30. I realized, after a lot of stress and anxiety in a prolonged period, that having exams August 16, 26 and 27 whilst attending a summer elective was too much on my plate. I immediately felt a little better once I came to terms with this. This is a reoccurring problem with me. I’ve been fighting the consequences of my addiction by stressing myself and taking too much on, which is a sign of impatience. Not good…

Tomorrow is my 25th birthday, and so, I have come to another decision. I will come clean to all my nearest friends about my recent absence, my struggles and basically what’s been going on in my life. I figured I would start my 25th year with honesty and transparency. No more secrets, no more facades, no more shallow relationships. I want to reconnect with my friends by laying all cards on the table and start the rebuilding on a foundation that is truly aligned with what I’m about. In my 5 months of recovery, I haven’t been able to tell my friends, in person, about my addiction (except for 3 of them), and who knows when I will be ready for that. Instead, I’m just gonna let them know in a message. I figured it’s better to go the easy route and come clean, rather than keeping this a secret.

I think this was all I wanted to share right now. Thank you for listening and good luck to you all.

– Chris

[Gbabyh]

it hit hard and sturred all kinds of emotions in me. It was a frightening and good read, but I think it was needed for me as a reminder. Thank you.

– Chris

[Gbabyh]

I feel like you are the rock of this forum Steev, and so, it’s nice to read your story and see how you managed to turn your life around for the better. Thank you for all your contributions to this forum and I wish you all the best on your continued journey 🙂

[Gbabyh]

Checking in on the journal. I visit the site every other day and read up on select journals, but rarely can I get myself to conjure something worthwhile to say. I think it’s because I’m very much in my own head at the moment. I’m very much in a conflict of beliefs and thoughts, and I find it very hard to organize and make sense of the clustering thoughts. Also, lately I’ve been very angry about myself for caring so much about what other people think of me, and I’m realizing that a lot of my stress and anxiety is something I have put on myself because many of the things I do and have done is mostly things I think my friends, family, and society expect of me, rather than something I truly want to do. Truth be told, I don’t even know what I want to do, so what would I be doing if not trying to live up to my self-imagined expectations from friends and family… Ahhh whatever, I lost my train of thought. I’m just really frustrated and kind of depressed at the moment.

[Gbabyh]

I think I have arrived at the same conclusions. If I devote my time only to do “adult” things, I believe my emotional self will build up tension over time and the eruption of “passive aggressiveness” could lead to some unwanted consequences such as gambling. So I think I’m gonna follow your lead and indulge the “child” in me a bit. I actually just returned from spending a day by the water and enjoying some street food with the gf (worked up quite a bit of tan) and it was, of course, a very good time, but money is tight atm, hence I tend to stay in for the most part. But you are absolutely right, getting out more is, without a doubt, a very good thing for me.

Thank you for the support Steev, I hope everything is well with your travels and so on 🙂

[Gbabyh]

Just a quick update. I’ve been going to my exams lately and it has taken a lot of time. To be honest, I was not really happy with the grades I got – I was aiming for higher and I know I could have done better. This bothers me a lot even though grades don’t matter for any future jobs for my education, it’s definitely just some personal ego BS and me demanding too much of myself. I don’t have gamble thoughts, but I do struggle with a lack of happiness or positive mentality because I feel much of my life right now is a marathon of work and struggle. I’m not gonna be able to enjoy much of a summer break because it’s already filled up with a summer course and other school-related stuff. As a result, I felt the need for something that could kind of lift my spirits to give me a break from the stress, which is why I’ve started to play an online MMORPG game, which I have been playing on and off since I was like 8 years old. To be fair, this could prove to be a bad decision if I end up spending too much time on it and let it come before my other day to day activities. I did tell my girlfriend about this and asked her to keep an eye on me just in case.

I wish you all a happy gambling free life.

– Chris

[Gbabyh]

Lately, I have been in a state of paralysis. I think after overcoming a hard challenge (my back to back finals) I started to let my guard down a bit or at least allowed myself to chill and procrastinate too much. In other words, I felt I deserved some time off, giving up momentum, and it turns out that I have been having a hard time getting back on track. This has affected my mental state A LOT! Sitting here reflecting, I notice how clouded and negative my mental state has been the last few weeks as opposed to prior to that. Once I managed to snap out of this kind of numbing rhythm and do some mindfulness practicing I noticed a big shift in my mental state, and as a result, I feel much better!! I know I have the need to let off some steam once in a while, but I hope in the future that I will be better at balancing it, so that I don’t get off the track for too long when I do decide to chill a bit.

Hope everyone is doing great 🙂

– Chris

[Gbabyh]

Thanks for the reminder. I’ve been choking on life lately (which is why I have been kind of absent here at the forum) but I’m ready to get back in. I had a really great morning today where I practiced mindfulness through a breathing meditation session. I hope everything is going well on your end 🙂

– Chris

[Gbabyh]

I dont know what to say… I haven’t gambled but some of my actions the last few days have been in contradiction as to who I want to be. I acted against my own gut the other day, even though I was contemplating whether or not to do it for a few hours. In the end, I did the wrong thing. It was nothing too serious, but it was one of those situations where you risk letting some people down in order to put yourself in a more comfortable position, short term…

I guess I’m battling my guilt and my past failures at the moment, one thing is for sure… I’m not as happy as I were last week. Funny how fast things can change. There is nothing else for but to keep trying… keep trying to get it right and make smart choices, listen to my gut feeling, and live with the consequences of my choices – instead of trying to escape them.

I wish you all the best.

Chris

[Gbabyh]

I finally have time and spare energy to update you guys, I know it’s been a while – sorry!

It’s been going really well to be fair, but I have been swamped with finals, which is why I haven’t been updating on this blog and I didn’t go to last weeks GA meeting.

I just got through a very tough 7 days written exam in the subject i followed this semester (due to relapse and the recovery) so I had to read up on and study the subjects before I could work on the end product. I pretty much spent all my woken hours during these 7 days on the assignment. It turned out okay, but damn it was exhausting!! I turned it in monday morning, 4 hours before deadline, after a 20-hour session at my campus. Even though it was a hard week I really feel proud of myself and a sense of achievement. Despite all the things I had going against me I feel as if I got through it quite all right.

I managed to catch about 6 hours of sleep, before I had to get up and study for my next exam, the day after. Obviously, I could have used a break and some more time to study for this one, and the exam was tougher than previous years, but I feel i did my best and that I did okay.

All in all, I’m feeling tired, but I got through this knowing I did the best I could – as a result I have a sense of achievement and pride! I feel good about my self, and I can get a breather before my 3rd exam, which I will be using on catching up with my self-development and spending some time with my girlfriend, friends and family 🙂

[Gbabyh]

Я пам’ятаю свої перші стосунки – перше справжнє кохання. Вона обірвала це зі мною, коли я сказав їй, що я весь час був з нею і до зустрічі з нею. У той час я рецидивував, тому мої фінансові проблеми були безладними, але це не мало значення. Мене турбували стосунки та невизначеність їхнього майбутнього, а не азартні ігри, не гроші …

Я сподіваюся, що він зателефонує вам і дасть вам ще один шанс, але я боюся, що зараз ви не можете нічого іншого, як дозволити йому прийти до вас.

[Gbabyh]

Tôi nhớ về mối quan hệ đầu tiên của mình – mối tình đầu thực sự. Cô ấy đã chia tay với tôi khi tôi nói với cô ấy rằng tôi đã là CG suốt thời gian ở bên cô ấy và trước khi gặp cô ấy. Vào thời điểm đó, tôi đang tái nghiện và vì vậy tài chính của tôi trở nên rối ren, nhưng điều đó không quan trọng. Đó là mối quan hệ và sự không chắc chắn về tương lai của nó khiến tôi lo lắng, không phải cờ bạc, không phải tiền …

Tôi hy vọng rằng anh ấy gọi cho bạn và cho bạn một cơ hội khác, nhưng tôi sợ rằng bây giờ bạn không thể nào khác ngoài việc để anh ấy đến với bạn.

[Gbabyh]

Pamatuji si svůj první vztah – první skutečnou lásku. Přerušila to se mnou, když jsem jí řekl, že jsem s ní celou dobu a než jsem se s ní setkal. V té době jsem recidivoval, a tak moje finance byly nepořádek, ale na ničem z toho nezáleželo. Dělal mi starosti vztah a nejistota jeho budoucnosti, ne hazard, peníze …

Doufám, že vám zavolá a dá vám další šanci, ale obávám se, že teď nemůžete nic jiného, než ho nechat přijít k vám.

[Gbabyh]

Muistan ensimmäisen suhteeni – ensimmäisen todellisen rakkauden. Hän katkaisi sen kanssani, kun kerroin hänelle, että olen ollut CG koko ajan hänen kanssaan ja ennen tapaamista. Tuolloin olin uusiutumassa ja niin taloustilanteeni oli sotku, mutta sillä ei ollut väliä. Suhde ja sen tulevaisuuden epävarmuus huolestuttivat minua, ei uhkapeli, ei raha …

Toivon, että hän soittaa sinulle ja antaa sinulle uuden mahdollisuuden, mutta pelkään, että nyt ei voi muuta kuin antaa hänen tulla luoksesi.

[Author]

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