[Gbabyh]

Today I went by my former treatment center for a scheduled consultation. Here I talked with a new guy, who was a very experienced consultant with many years as an addict himself but also with many years of experience within treatment of other addicts. And he really opened up my eyes to something I hadn’t been able to see for myself.

I have severely negative thought patterns in general, but more so when it comes to situations which I find anxious, and this leads me to deal with these situations very bad. For example, I don’t like confrontations so I always find myself becoming submissive to avoid it, which builds a lot of anger and other bad emotions inside of me. My body can feel these emotions and this leads me to bad reactions patterns, such as isolating myself and/or returning to gambling in order to regulate whatever is going on inside of me.

This has made me aware of another important thing I must practice: Courage.
Before I emphasized a lot on honesty and openness, but courage is for me just as important. The courage to seek discomfort and not run away from anxious situations, while being open and honest about what I feel in a given situation. This is key for me because I can see many situations where the lack of courage, honesty, and openness have led me to bad reaction patterns and eventually gambling.

So, seek discomfort and practice to be in it – one day at a time 🙂

[Gbabyh]

I often forget that I am not defined by my addiction because it fills so much in my life, especially now. I need to remember that I am many things and I think by surrounding myself with the right people I will be reminded of this fact. Thanks 🙂

[Gbabyh]

Yeah, It will be an achievement I can be proud of because I have been working on myself constantly since then 🙂

[Gbabyh]

Today I opened myself up to my friend and roommate, who I am leaving to live with my girlfriend. I told him about my gambling addiction, how long its been going on and so on. This was a conversation I’ve dreaded for a long time and kept postponing, but once I finally convinced myself to just tell him I immediately felt lighter and better. He also took it really well and there were no hard feelings about me moving out. He told me that he was proud that I told him about it and that I should keep on going with what I’m doing. This gave me the encouragement to tell the rest of my friends about my situation, which I highly needed.
I’m really happy to have taken this step towards an open and honest me – one day at a time 🙂

[Gbabyh]

I know that I don’t deserve their trust right now, but still, it bothers me when they don’t trust me and keep asking questions about my whereabouts and my actions then asking again to confirm – I guess its the impatient nature of me that has a hard time of accepting that…

[Gbabyh]

Yesterday I became aware of some emotions I was experiencing during last nights dinner with my family and girlfriend. It happened during a situation where I felt cornered in by the people around the table who took turns to evaluate me/fault me/give advice/etc. about my life and troubles with gambling addiction.

I remember feeling very annoyed and belittled because I thought I’ve been making good progress for the last 3 weeks and so, I felt I should be encouraged instead rather than being beaten down. And I get it, I understand them and why they would think and do that. I actually think they are entitled to. But it doesn’t change the fact that it sturred up some bad emotions, the kind of emotions I need to stay clear of. 

And it could be that I’m just too touchy. I know I’m not the greatest at receiving criticism and I can probably have a tendency to act childish/entitled/unjustly treated and so on – which probably explains why I don’t like feeling trapped and others having authorities over me. And the people closest to me kind of do have that because I’ve disappointed them so many times and ruined their trust over and over again.  

I realize that I should expect and accept these situations and learn to deal with the emotions that it brings forth until I reach a point where I have regained some of their trust by proving to them that I’m committed in my efforts to stay free of my gambling addiction. 

Anyways, I’m late for school now – one day at a time! 

[Gbabyh]

Hi Peaches and Apple, thanks for stopping by and showing your support to me. Yeah, I’m trying my best to do whatever I can to sort myself out so that won’t be inclined to cave into any future gambling cravings. The progress I have made wouldnt have been possible if not for the help im getting wether that be from the people at GA meetings, my family or my girlfriend. Thanks again for commenting here on my journal 🙂

One day at a time!

[Gbabyh]

Yesterday I managed to fit in a much-needed haircut and I managed to pull myself up to the gym (although for a short session) before I had to leave for work.

I’ve been working 3 nights in a row, which is very time consuming, and it left little time for my self-development and my studies. To be honest, it kept my mind off of my troubles but I have deadlines coming up so I really need to spend my time elsewhere and focus on those things, rather than allocating almost a whole day for work. I think I’m gonna have to stop taking back to back shifts because it’s too destructive for my new routines that I’m trying to create.

I didn’t go to my GA meeting today simply because I needed to catch up on some sleep. I have no regrets with this decision and I’ll be going on Wednesday again.

For this coming week, I really need to make big progress on my bachelor’s thesis whilst getting a good headstart on my econometrics rapport, which is due next Sunday. This fills my mind a lot and I just need to get started ASAP so that I can free up some mental energy for my self-development.

[Gbabyh]

Been working the past 2 nights and tonight I’ll go again. I have to make money, but my job as a waiter is becoming sickening to me. And I don’t like that the job is so far away and that its usually in the evening/nights. This is a major complication to getting into a good rhythm of good morning/daily routines. Yesterday I didn’t manage to get a workout in before heading off to work, which bothers me quite a bit. Today my body is crushed and I’m sleep deprived, so I’m really in no mood for a workout, but I feel an obligation to get it done though. I don’t feel I struggle very much with my gambling addiction, It’s more a struggle for me to take the right choices according to my goals and what I need to do. I just finished reading a lecture note in a subject I find very difficult, which left me kind of demotivated to learn, I guess all of the above have put me in a moody state.

Anyways, one day at a time.

[Gbabyh]

Just making a quick update for today. I tried to implement a new routine of waking up early (before 6 am). It was nice having a slow morning with plenty of time but I was really tired. Went to the gym during the midday and completely crashed whilst attempting meditation for a good 20 minutes. The shower afterward was amazing where I switched between the cold shower and the steam shower, which really made my body wake up and feel alive. Amazing!
After that, I did some studying until my next GA meeting, where I shared for the first time and asked for advice about coming clean to my friends about my addiction. That was really nice because it encouraged me to be open and honest about it to my friends, which I have always feared.

I haven’t felt the urge at all to gamble, I’m just trying to sort out myself and maintain a functioning daily routine where I get all the small choices right. So far so good.

One day at a time!

[Gbabyh]

Hi IRock

First of all, thank you for posting in my journal, I really appreciate it. Second of all, I can’t help but notice how good you are at being in touch with your inner self. It’s really astonishing how good you are at this part of self-reflection of your emotions and thoughts because it’s hard for an addict to have any connection (or at least put words to it and describe it) to what is going on inside of us. I’ve come across a fair bit of compulsive gamblers and rarely they have that ability at your level to detect and reflect what is currently going on with them on the inside. I truly believe this is an essential skill to learn and to be comfortable with, in order for us addicts to stay free of our addictions. I often have troubles with this, especially putting words to it, but reading your journal helps me with this process, because many of the things you feel, I feel or have felt before.

Anyways, keep up the good work and remember, it’s all about one day at a time 🙂

[Gbabyh]

That comment made so much sense and made me more aware of my current state and the possibilities for potential future states. Really, thank you for this idea/enlightenment because it has really broadened my perspective. 

Have a good one! 🙂

[Gbabyh]

I’ve been taking a few days without thinking about my addiction-related problems, partly because I needed to work but also because I really needed it…

The last 2 weeks have been mentally exhausting and quite depressing to be fair. But that’s the price for a relapse… among other things. I worked hard on stabilizing my mental state, sorting out my finances, making a plan for recovery whilst juggling being in a relationship and studying in a demanding school.

While my relationship with my girlfriend is intact, in fact, it’s probably improved and made us closer, then I have a lot to catch up in regards to my studies. This fact is adding extra stress to my life and it’s sucking mental energy out of me. To be fair, my studies have always been a grind for me and something which took a big toll on me mentally. I think it’s because I have always been behind due to my addictions, which have led me to always trying to catch up with stuff and needing to self-study the prerequisites for the current subjects I’m actually signed up to. However, I see the light at the end of the tunnel now. Just one more stretch to go before I can end my minor and start my major after the summer. I’m desperate for a clean slate in regards to all aspects of my life. Obviously, my relapse is causing major complications to an already stressful position, but I’m determined to make it. I have to. God knows how many times I’ve been in these make and break situations, and I’m still here…

In this week I’ve accomplished big things and I’m happy for the progress I’m making. I’ve started this journal, i sorted out my finances, I came clean to my family, I’ve started going to GA meetings twice a week, and I can finally allocate some more energy to my school and rebuilding some good routines, which hopefully become habits eventually.

Anyway, enough rant for now…

One day at a time.

[Gbabyh]

Today marks a round day. It’s the 10th day since I last gambled and I’m still trying to get my life and my thoughts in order after the relapse…

I woke up very tired and lazy today, not motivated to do anything. I think because the last 9 days have been very demanding and stressful with a lot of soul searching, putting out fires and doing damage control. Luckily, my girlfriend got me out of bed this morning and I was only 5 minutes late for today’s lecture. I thank her for that – I know, that I would have been frustrated about myself if I hadn’t gone, which would have ruined the whole day and potentially fuck up my momentum.

After the lecture I had a whole day of possible productiveness, however, I was still lazy and tired from last nights workout. So, I procrastinated… for a little bit. I managed to clean my place and do some laundry and also iI managed to do some progress on my personalized 12 step program – really not too bad. I guess you win some and lose some.

Also, I went to see my big brother who has been a massive help since I came clean to him. Today he helped me out by sorting out my finances, which have been causing me a lot of stress and taking up massive amounts of my mental energy.

All in all, a fairly decent day, but I should have gone to the gym.

One day at a time

[Gbabyh]

Thank you for reading my journal and for your encouragement. I’m glad to see and be confirmed by you, that journaling is helpful in staying gambling free.

I’ll try and remember your advice about going to the forums and interacting with other fellow people when a craving in some negative form come.

Thanks again for the support <3

One day at a time!

[Author]

Posts