[Fritz]

Mav,
There are a couple of positives that I see in your posts about this latest relapse. One, you came clean right away to your spouse. That is something that in the past you would not have done, you would have kept it hidden so you could gamble again and again. So kudos to you for that!

Secondly, you are reaching out for help right away. This is also a huge positive step. As I am sure you have heard/read, we must first realize we are powerless over this gambling addiction, and reach out for help. Reaching out for help immediately after relapse shows yourself and the important others around you that you truly want to get better and can’t do it on your own.

In my experience, my early days of recovery/relapse, I would continue to hide it for a time before finally breaking down and telling someone. Or wait to be caught and confronted.

So although this feels like a very bad day I think you are making tremendous progress. Hang in there, it will get better!
Very sincerely,
Fritz

[Fritz]

The thought occurred to me today that we do in fact have a great deal of control of our own destiny, we make the choice to gamble or to do some other activity. Yes it is a compulsion, and yes it is an addiction, but it is purely psychological. We can either choose to distance ourselves from our past gambling selves, by putting up blocks, having others manage our money, stop associating with gambling buddies, etc… or choose not to and allow the cycle to continue.

We all know we have a limited amount of time left on this planet, starting from today. What will we do with that time? Shall we spend it miserably regretting past failures? Shall we spend it secretly planning our next bet? Shall we get back on the treadmill of darkness that is gambling? When we are in a gambling frame of mind, it is so difficult for us to shut out all of these dark thoughts.

Or shall we set about doing what we can, however small, to make things better than they were yesterday? Every bit of work we do to make things a bit better for ourselves and our families is valuable and constructive and puts a bit more distance between us and what we were. Every plan or act of gambling is destructive and brings us back to what we were.

It’s almost like a gravitational force. The gambling gravitational force gets weaker as we move toward other constructive things and as time goes by. Less gambling thoughts and urges. Less preoccupation and scheming. Less feelings of not caring about current job, family, responsibilities. Less feeling like this life is pointless. Less guilt and shame. But it takes time and a lot of effort.

We have the power to make the right choice every day. Each gamble free day makes the choice a little bit easier.

[Fritz]

Been sick for a week now. Bad head and chest cold. More inability to sleep, now due the sickness, and not so much the cold turkey quitting of smoking pot. Still doing ok, trying to take care of myself. Nothing going on, just resting and trying to get well. Two more days makes a month, woohoo! The longer I stay gambling free, the happier I will be. Gambling will never solve any problem, only make it worse. Gotta keep drilling that into my head. Gambling isn’t fun for me, and hasn’t been for a long time. So if it won’t solve any problems, but will create new ones, and isn’t fun, why would I ever gamble again?

[Fritz]

Great job redirecting toward something else. Expressing your emotion, and deciding to watch a movie. Bravo!

I guess for us CG’s it’s hard to feel flat, but all people feel flat sometimes and it’s perfectly ok. After a time you will feel something else. It’s the way humans are, emotions go through highs and lows and sometimes for no apparent reason. I think CG’s forget about that sometimes and either think the lows won’t go away without a gamble, or that it’s not normal to be low, so a gamble is needed to prop us back up right away, artificially.

Maybe we just don’t have the confidence or belief that we are capable of picking ourselves back up when we are low. Or we forget that when we’re low, we can just pick up the phone and tell someone about it, which usually does the trick.

Gambling addiction creates these false walls that (we believe) are impossible to break through. In reality it’s just the addiction that tricks us into thinking there are walls but the walls don’t really exist.

Anyway, great job and give yourself a mental pat on the back!

[Fritz]

Regarding the other things that I have trouble with, namely weed, alcohol, biting fingers, video games and stocks, I am happy to say that they are all under control. No gambling, weed, alcohol, or finger abuse since Feb 17, so almost a month now. I do find myself still touching my finger nails a lot, so the itch for that hasn’t gone away. I have been able to catch it though and redirect my attention so far. I have seen the stock market averages on line or heard the averages over the radio a few times, but I haven’t actively searched out stock charts since Feb 17, although I must admit I have been tempted a few times. Same thing with the fingers, just a catch and a redirect before I start engaging in the activity. Last Saturday I played two video games with some friends socially, but that has been it. My Xbox has sat dormant for a month now.

Interestingly enough, no interest in alcohol or weed anymore after reading EasyWay for Alcohol. There are many bottles of alcohol in my house, but I have no desire whatsoever to drink it! My wife still drinks occasionally, but it really doesn’t bother me a bit. So this is really great progress for me. Without these two drugs, I can think more clearly and have more energy.

So overall I am really pleased with my progress to date. I find that these behaviors are related. They all relate to anxiety and the desire to relieve stress, I think. I am doing a few healthier things to relieve stress, such as walking, deep breathing, and meditation. I am still a beginner at meditation so I can only do it for a couple of minutes at a time, but I have heard that through practice it is possible to do it for longer and longer periods.

I still grind my teeth at night, and I have now noticed that the area of my chest right below my sternum is often tight and tensed up. Likewise the top of my neck. Deep breathing has helped me notice this and work on releasing tension in these two areas. I still am working on learning how to relax. I am somewhat more relaxed, but I can see now how tense I have been for so many years, sometimes without even realizing it! I am really looking forward to learning what true relaxation feels like. I have deprived myself of this for so long I don’t even remember how it feels!

So, really good progress so far, and much progress to look forward to. Thank you so much for asking and taking an interest, I hope all is well for you in your journey.

[Fritz]

Hi Mav,
I can assure you that it is the same for me, and I think all other recovering gamblers. We struggle to understand it because our rational mind says the cons outweigh the pros, it would be crazy to do it, we can never win it back, etc… but our addictive mind says let’s do it anyway, to hell with all the logic.

I am thinking back to 2011 when I first started to kick this thing and I had the same tug of war thoughts, day after day. Why do I keep getting these urges? Why do I relapse? I don’t really want to gamble and I know it will be bad, but I still want to do it! It’s the addictive mind telling us that by going back out it will make us feel better. It will alleviate the nagging thoughts that we “need” to gamble. You are right it is the same as cigarettes, alcohol, marijuana, heroin, etc. That’s why we need all of the blocks and all of the support early on in the recovery, because our rational mind is blocked out by the irrational addictive mind. The addictive mind will win the tug of war every time early in the recovery process. Back out gambling we go, and when finished, our rational mind is more baffled (and defeated) than ever. Addictions take on a life of their own, and need to be constantly fed. If they are not fed, they make us miserable until they get fed.

After being gambling free for a while (I think the timing of this varies a lot for individuals), our rational mind begins to take hold and stand a chance over the addictive mind. Gambling doesn’t dominate our thinking 24/7 like it does early on. We begin to feel better, but we cannot let our guard down and must be vigilant, and must keep all blocks in place. Keep using the 12 steps, the GA meetings, counseling, daily meditations, or whatever other tools are out there.

At this point (again the timing varies for different people but for me about 4-6 months gamble free), I think we can see more clearly gambling for what it is, a psychological addiction. This is where I’m at in the process, without the constant nagging of the addiction, but a knowledge that it could hit me again at any time without warning.

I know now after 4 years of the recovery process, that the addiction wants/needs to feed itself. I know that the addiction deceived me into believing if I gamble it would make me feel better, or somehow solve my problems, or help me “escape” but I don’t buy that anymore. I don’t need to escape anymore.

I know you are going through hell right now, but it will get better if you keep at it. It is probably best that your wife told her friends, because it may help her to feel better, discussing it with others. She is carrying a heavy burden right now. It will get better, and easier, with more time. Hang in there, you do have a bright future ahead! Try to stay focused on all of the awesome things you do have, especially that wife and baby!
Cheers, all the best to you!

[Fritz]

Hey Mav, you also hit the nail on the head about planning for the future and not looking back. It takes a lot of work for us former gamblers to dig our way out of the holes we have dug ourselves into, but we must do it. We must get back on our feet and figure out how to make a way for ourselves, a positive way that is honest and good. No more pipe dreams of instant riches. Real goals that we pursue with hard work. We come clean. We think of others and do for others with our actions. We show our loved ones we care by doing the right thing, step by step regaining and rebuilding trust. The trust comes slowly, much too slowly for us impatient souls sometimes. We must remain calm though, and remember what we have done. Remember the pain, remember what we have put our families through. It takes time to heal all of the hurt we caused.

We have sold ourselves short in our gambling past. Maybe lost confidence. Telling ourselves we couldn’t do it, that the only way out was to hide our problems, then go out and risk it all and hope for the best. We all know how that story ends. But now we realize that we can do it, if we apply ourselves, be honest and believe in ourselves. One step at a time, we set goals, small ones at first and then build from there.

Sometimes the road back seems too daunting, too much to overcome. Maybe that is why we falter and relapse sometimes. The false hope of instant gratification creeps back into our minds, fooling us one more time. The road seems too long, too hard, so let’s give gambling just one more try, we say. Maybe this is finally my lucky day. But alas, it is not. Just another hollow, empty promise, and another humiliating day zero. Another total waste of time and money.

Well, I am done with day zero. I will never go back, and never look back. I have many more important things to do, and new dreams to fulfill. Maybe it is because I will be 50 years old this year. Yeah, pretty much over the hill! Hahaha. I am starting to think about how short life really is. This is it! I have to seize each day and really live.

“When you arise in the morning think of what a privilege it is to be alive, to think, to enjoy, to love …”
― Marcus Aurelius, Meditations

[Fritz]

I believe that since I have taught myself through EasyWay that by not gambling I am not giving up something good or helpful, urges have disappeared. My problem with gambling was always that I thought something was being taken away from me, something good, therefore I wanted to go back and do it again and again. I thought I was being deprived of having the chance to make up for all of the prior losses with a big win. I was being deprived of the freedom to do as I choose.

An analogy might be if as a kid I was offered a lollipop by a kind looking person once per week. I took the lollipop, and then ate it, enjoying the sweet flavor very much. Then the next day I got very sick but recovered the day after. I made no association between the lollipop and the sickness. A week later, I was offered another lollipop from the same kind looking person. Once again, I enjoyed it immensely, but got sick again the following day, and then recovered. I still made no association. My mom tells me I shouldn’t eat candy from strangers, but I do not listen. This pattern goes on for several weeks. I finally grow suspicious and go to the doctor. The doctor tells me that the lollipops are laced with poison, and if I continued eating them I will die. Each time I was offered the lollipop after learning of the poison, I flatly refused, knowing I wasn’t missing out on anything!

Perhaps my problem with relapses has been caused by the idea that I am being deprived. The idea that I “like” gambling because it is “fun” is what I tell myself, and everyone around me is somehow stopping me from having this “fun”. Therefore I must go gamble to show myself and others that I can and will do it and will not be deprived of my “fun”. I now know that it’s all a head game that I play with myself. I am not being deprived of anything by not gambling. In fact, I am being deprived of a normal life by gambling. Kind of a Eureka! moment for me.

[Fritz]

Gambling promises something in exchange for nothing.
What gambling really delivers is nothing (less than nothing, actually) in exchange for something (a lot of things, actually).

It’s an illusion, a lie and a fallacy. Gambling takes away the very thing that it promises to deliver. Just like all drugs. Empty promises, all of them. The promise of euphoria, happiness, and riches. The delivery of a hellish nightmare of despair, hopelessness and poverty.

How on earth did I believe that over the long term I wouldn’t lose money? In fact, I had the arrogance and audacity to believe I could actually make money gambling. What a joke! Well, the joke was on me. I have been conned, over and over and over again. Next time I get another urge, I have to remember all of this, and also ask myself, what would I gain from another bet? What would be the point, really? Trying to prove something? To whom, myself? What would I be proving, that I am still an idiot? It’s all just a silly game inside my head, and I have no need or desire for that ever again.

Just finishing up day 20, and things are going ok for me now. Sleep is still hard to come by but the nightmares and waking up in a cold sweat are subsiding. At least I am starting to see gambling for what it truly is.

[Fritz]

How would you react if your friend was addicted to heroin, now in recovery, and told you he was just going to do the smallest of hits once per week. Only once per week and only the smallest amount of course. How would you advise him?

It’s funny how because a lot of regular people gamble, society and social norms say that a bit of lottery or a raffle is very ok and in fact encouraged. However, the same regular people that do heroin are viewed by society as low life junkies. In fact addictive drugs and gambling trigger very similar types of reactions in your brain.

Just a thought… sorry if this is coming across too preachy. Have a great day!

[Fritz]

The party was great! These are really good friends, so they were just glad to see me and reacted in a slightly surprised but positive way. I was worried that it may make them feel uncomfortable about their own drinking and smoking, but on the contrary, they did as they normally do and just had a good time! So I felt a bit relieved and very happy.

Still no gambling nor any desire. I am now a big believer in the Easy Way. I am trying to decide whether to continue with GA meetings or not. It is a good safe place to discuss how you are feeling but at the same time some of it doesn’t fit well with Easy Way. I guess I will continue going for a while and see how it goes.

[Fritz]

A quote I saw on a sign at a local lumber / hardware store sign today that I thought was pretty good:

Success is not final,
Failure is not fatal,
It is the courage to continue that counts.
-Winston Churchill

I think this quote is very good for the compulsive gambler to keep in mind when things aren’t going so well. Also good to remember when things are going well too!

We need to remember that recovery is a process and we need to stay patient.

Cheers!

[Fritz]

I like that term 🙂

From my experience trying to extract myself from the gambling trap, (and this is from my first GA meeting on 1/11/11 up until now, 4+ years OMG!!!) I tried to justify things like lottery, fantasy football, pools, etc as not real gambling. At the point you are at, you may be feeling the same way. I can assure you that continuing those types of activities ARE gambling, and they do work to perpetuate our gambling itch.

That’s why at GA they discuss one of the steps being to make a fearless financial and moral inventory. You will need to come to the conclusion yourself of course, and I’m quite thick headed so it has taken me 4 years to root out every last avenue of gambling that was in my life. Now finally they are all out on the table in full view to me (mentally of course). I understand that if I buy stocks, my gambling brain will trigger, and I will start buying and selling to try and make a quick profit. That IS gambling, although it took 3 years to finally admit that to myself. Same goes for the sports pools etc. I justified it by saying it was only with friends, only for a small stake, just for fun, for socialization, etc….. but in the end I finally realized that with my history of gambling, those seemingly innocent activities were drawing me back in and setting the stage for devastating relapses when my defenses were down.

You may be done with gambling today (I hope!), or it may take you days, weeks, months, years to finally be rid completely of the insanity of gambling. Thinking about all of these things, weighing them, writing them down, talking with people are all tools for you to get it straight in your mind what will be needed for you to succeed.

If you couldn’t tell already, part of my therapy is to read others experiences and think about the times in my recovery that I ran across the same dilemmas and obstacles and how I handled them (or botched them). So I want to thank you for posting, it really helps me a lot!

All the best to you!

[Fritz]

Hi g.man,
You should be able to find this book at your library, or one of the major online book retailers. If you can install an app or program on your computer to block internet gambling sites, that would be a great tool in your recovery. I’ve heard there are a number of good ones out there for free or low cost. An internet search would yield several great choices I’m sure. Cheers!

[Fritz]

This is from the EasyWay to Stop Drinking, but it is the exact same thing for me with gambling too.

Talking about his attempt at stopping drinking using willpower alone:
“But because I now understand drug addiction, I know that I would never have been free, no matter how long I’d hung on. The schizophrenia was still there. (he is referring not to actually being schizophrenic, but having the schizophrenic symptom of a failure to recognize what is real which is the delusion of gambling) I believed I was making a genuine sacrifice and that I couldn’t enjoy life without the drug. Time wasn’t altering that belief. On the contrary, it was ingraining it. I took the attitude that I’d rather have the shorter, sweeter life of the addict than the longer, more miserable alternative.”

This summarizes my new understanding about gambling, (and also pot and alcohol for me) in one concise paragraph thanks to EasyWay. The belief that I have had for as long as I can remember, that when I stop gambling, (or using pot or alcohol in my case), that I am making a genuine sacrifice, which makes me believe that I am somehow missing out when I don’t allow myself to do these things. That is the lie of addiction. That is the evil little monster in my head arguing with my rational mind.

It is not a sacrifice to stop my addictions! The only thing I am sacrificing by not doing these things is more pain. I need to reverse the thinking to what is correct, which is that I am missing out on life when these unneeded, unwanted intruders barge in and take over my life. I’m taking my life back now.

I will be visiting some friends tomorrow night which is a monthly ritual I have. We usually “party” the first Saturday night of each month and have been doing this for years. This will be the first time in forever that I won’t be partaking in the pot and alcohol part of the party. I am hopeful I can watch the others do these drugs and feel great that I don’t need them to have fun anymore. Of course I am slightly apprehensive also. I have tried to use the willpower method to not uses at this party before, but it never worked. I got talked into (and talked myself into) using by my friends. I won’t be using the willpower method tomorrow and am hopeful the EasyWay will work.

[Author]

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