[Fritz]

I can relate to so many things you said here in your post. The waking up hoping it was all a dream. The dread of a new day and a new set of problems created, a hole that just keeps getting deeper.

Gambling is a huge mirage, a diabolical con job, a promise of riches and freedom from financial constraints, all of it complete rubbish. We know this and yet we go back. We know that it will destroy us emotionally yet again and still we go back. There is still this tiny glimmer of hope that maybe this time will be different, but it never is. We need to smash the illusion and get brutally honest. We need to think it through beginning to end when the first urge hits, before we go to the gambling venue. What will happen when I gamble? I will lose. What will I do then? I will get a cash advance. What then? Lose more and go into a numb stupor. Borrow more and drop that too, this time with little hope of winning. It becomes almost mechanical. Drive home in a fog and try to go to sleep with the after effects of adrenaline still running through my body. Rewinding the times when I made the wrong bet at the wrong time, remorse, sadness, despair, dread. Asking myself again and again, why? Why did you do it again?

One key for me has been to admit once and for all that I would never ever recover my losses, and to truly come to grips with that idea. Not only that, I let it go, completely. It took a long process of thinking and meditation to finally understand that it is over. Before, I felt tremendous guilt and shame and felt somehow I had to finally win and make it to even. Then I could walk away with dignity. Now I realize that getting to even doesn’t matter. It’s gone, past, done and over. We must forgive ourselves and focus on now.

My other bit of advice is turn over all money and credit to a trusted friend or family member. Get a daily allowance worked out for minor expenses. It was one of the hardest things for me to do because I was admitting my powerlessness. Very humbling, embarrassing too. But very necessary. It kept me safe, safe from debilitating relapses. Other blocks are absolutely essential as well. Do everything to prevent relapse, it takes time to “un-brainwash”.

Anyway best of luck on your recovery, and never give up!

[Fritz]

Thanks for the kind words, concern and advice, I will check around for meetings. Knocked down but not defeated! I have successfully convinced myself that I cannot control my marijuana and alcohol use. One day at a time for me!

[Fritz]

Still gamble free since 2/17/15. 9 months, that’s pretty good I guess. But I am now worried about my marijuana and alcohol use. I stopped those for 2/and 3 months respectively and then went on using them again, moderately at first and then more heavily. Time to shut them down again. I am at home from work today due to overdrinking last night. I feel sick. I feel weak. I feel guilty. I also feel scared because I know the lack of sleep I am about to face when I stop drinking/smoking again. It is a fight, and I just feel too weary to fight it, so I have just gone on drinking and smoking. Today is day one for smoking and drinking! I know intellectually I will be so much happier with them out of my life. Why do I let them control me and keep me weak? I need to have the self confidence to realize that I don’t need them! Now it is time to relax, stay focused on the moment right in front of me, and believe I can do this.

[Fritz]

Time flies when you are having fun, I guess that’s true. Sure is great to be gamble free, that never changes. Life can be tough, but I know that with gambling added it will be immeasurably more difficult. And all difficulties eventually pass, so with this understanding and some patience, I can stay gamble free forever.

I don’t post much anymore, but I will check in and read posts now and then to help me remember the pain and why I choose not to gamble. To anyone reading this that is thinking about gambling again, please wait a few minutes and think it all the way through before going through with it. Think about how you will feel tomorrow. Think about how stressed out you will be trying to hide it or how shameful it will feel to lie about where you were. Weigh all of it very carefully, then tell someone what you are feeling.

If you take these steps honestly and objectively, you won’t go through with it and you will thank yourself later.

Cheers!

[Fritz]

I am feeling humble and grateful today. Saying NO! to gambling has saved me and saved my marriage. Goodbye guilt, hello honesty, love and forgiveness. Hello good communication. It is important for me to always acknowledge what I have done and admit that I can never safely gamble again.
I must remember, when things don’t go my way, things can and do get better. But gambling will never lead to a more positive future for me.

[Fritz]

Recovery brings new possibilities and increased happiness!
Mav,
And as always, thanks for the kind words of encouragement. I feel as though you are really setting yourself up to look back 5 years from now and say, wow, look at the wonderful changes! So good to hear you are doing well. I wish you all the best in recovery!

[Fritz]

I have done the 12 steps in the past and used to go to GA regularly, but now I don’t. It’s a great resource for a lot of people, and I would never knock it but it just isn’t for me. I’m very happy to hear you are doing better!

[Fritz]

And I don’t know who I am but life is for learning.
We are stardust, we are golden, we are billion year old carbon.

We live on this 3rd rock from the sun, no one knows why, but we’re all in it together. I think my purpose is to help those around me, sometimes I do and sometimes it doesn’t work out right but I keep trying every day. Life is a great mystery and it is what I make it.

Hadn’t posted in a while so just jotting down a quick note. I am approaching 4 months gamble free now and life is so much better.

[Fritz]

I really appreciate your reply! It reminded me of some things I should do. Sometimes a little nudge in the right direction is all it takes to start moving in the right direction again, your post did that, so thanks!

[Fritz]

Having a bit of trouble focusing on the future and right now. When I am reminded of what could have been, regret and remorse tend to creep back into my mind. Especially over my kids. I need to remember that nothing is ever perfect, everything is a work in progress, especially me. It’s OK to have these feelings but I need to be more disciplined about moving past them.

[Fritz]

Another milestone. Great news and a great feeling. Need to focus on today. Not doing so well with my other vices, but gambling is under control now. Working on a vegetable garden now. Sick home from work yesterday though. Over did it and my body needed a recovery day. Back to the grind today.

[Fritz]

Great work, making it to 70 days! Have you been able to sort out root causes and work on those? Find some healthy replacement activities? Awesome work, hope you can keep it up for the long run!

[Fritz]

Thanks Maverick and Velvet, great feedback.

It comes back to mindfulness and listening to and acting on my good thoughts. I almost always have a.moment of “this is what I should or shouldn’t be doing right now, then.a conscious decision to ignore and do the bad behavior instead. I need to get back on the track of listening to myself and trusting that doing the right thing will make me happier than doing the wrong thing. So easy to say and so tough to do! It’s a complete retraining of my brain though, and old habits die hard. Just got to keep moving in the right direction and not get down on myself when I don’t always do the right thing.

[Fritz]

Started following the stock market again. Started biting my finger nails again. When I get stressed, usually from work, I start doing “stressful” things that actually multiply the stress rather than release it. They make me feel less in control, more desperate. I noticed I started eating junkier foods, compulsively shopping for used cars on craigslist, reading stock charts, stopped exercising. I am going to work on redirecting myself when I get these impulses this week. Also if I have to work late I seem to throw my good habits out the window and start in on the bad ones again.

Still gamble free from February 17, hurray!

I have to remember that I will feel better, and less stressed if I can stay away from these behaviors. It also helps me feel better about myself when I do a few less wrong things and a few more right things.

I need to realize it is OK for me to have these episodes, but it is my responsibility to recognize and redirect away from them so that I can get more relaxed and back to a healthier state of mind. Recognize that it is possible for me to begin again with healthier choices for me.

It is so strange how everything snowballs for me, both positively and negatively. When I start going down hill I really accelerate quickly. That makes it hard to get back on the right track. Time to start trying again with a renewed effort.

[Fritz]

Need to remember that it’s not going to help if I am tense and nervous about missing the flight, if my kids will be ready, if the traffic will be bad or the shuttle will be late. It’s going to be fine. Even if any of these unexpected things happen!

Time to think good thoughts about all the fun we are going to have. It’s all in my head, I have the power to have a great time or a lousy time. Patience and gratitude, this I pray for today.

[Author]

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