[finding_laura]

It can be scary to put a voice to our thoughts and feelings, especially a written voice, where it is there to look back at us in black in white. I have been having gambling urges and binging on sweets! Almost daily I have thoughts that I’m with the wrong person and that I don’t know if I really feel connected or loved. It feels like too little too late is being offered. But I’ve been in that place before and continued on with my marriage. This is me putting a voice to MY fears. Thanks Cat for the thread. Laura

[finding_laura]

hi P, hope you are around reading and just a little quiet. Sending love and support from the other side of the world. Morning here now, having a coffee and trying to get the courage to face the day. I hope you are doing ok.
Laura

[finding_laura]

dearest P, always checking on me 🙂

I’ve been going through some anxiety and depression these days. Just not having the umph to deal with anything either. Trying to deal with the lack of energy with a supplement, I had stopped taking one for a month and now I am thinking it’s made a big difference. Back on it now and seems to be helping again.
The weather here has been just terrible. Canadian winters can be tough but this one has been brutal. Between cold, lots of snow, and, that it is still here! Brutal!
I am still gamble free but honestly was really pining for it last night and having some urges. WTF! It’s been over 4 years since I’ve gambled. Where are these urges coming from? I have today booked off from work and for some reason I didn’t tell hubby. I’ve been having thoughts of sneaking off for a day of gambling. So it seems that means (money in the bank) and opportunity(secret day off) can still trigger urges in me. Only the fear of bumping in to someone we know helps to keep the gambling at bay. I’m thinking of just going in to work instead. Save the day off for another time.
Coffee refill and try and do some catching up. Seems I’m always catching up. Very depressing to always be chasing life.
Laura

[finding_laura]

Hi April and Welcome to the forum. There is a lot of information to be had here on the site. One of the topics that comes up often is that of barriers. Barriers to our gambling. Things that we can put in place that make it difficult for us to gamble. In the first few months of recovery especially, money itself can be a trigger. Handling it, handling bank and credit cards if that was how you used to pay for your gambling. One barrier that you can use to help prevent you from gambling is to give up your access to cash. Maybe lower your bank card withdrawal limit, cut up credit cards or give to a trusted loved one for safe keeping. Make yourself accountable to someone for your spending. Our addicted self needs lots of support and barriers. One day at a time 🙂
Laura

[finding_laura]

thank gosh the weekend is here! Morning Carole 🙂 I’ve got a tens machine on this morning in an effort to ignore the pain caused from working all week. So a quick note while i have a sit down coffee 🙂 The things we take for granted such as being able to sit on our butts! However the things that help me recover from the pain are good for me so I’ve already done some stretching this morning and a walk with the dog is planned in short order. Sounds like a lovely time with the grand daughter 🙂 As I caught up on your thread I’m like oh me too! I eat through the night (Liz) especially if I am stressed about something. And omg I have about 12 boxes of papers to go through (Cat) but I’m slowly making progress on those too. Now if I could sort through the inside of my head as easily as paper. Toss that , keep this, file way for long time storage that. I feel as though my head is in need of a good spring cleaning that was long overdo! Well, the temperature has risen above zero here as of yesterday afternoon. I was never so excited to see above zero in my life I don’t think. Winter can end as of yesterday please. So time to get off this duff and get some fresh air. Have a great weekend Carole!

[finding_laura]

Omg Kathryn 🙁 I had no idea what you were going through this past couple months. I have been going through a lot of the same feelings in my marriage after the holidays and renovations. I’m sorry I haven’t been aware, i guess I’ve been busy wrapped up in my own latest let down. And I am so sore when I sit at my computer most of the time that I haven’t even really been able to focus on reading and writing posts. Anyway, I’ll save that for a vent on my own thread 🙂
Glad your mom settled in! Sounds a lovely place 🙂 We need more of those in our world.
So of course right now i miss our long chats as my mind is screaming to know details of what was hubby’s problem lol
I need to read a whole library full of self help books but my list of things to do always feels endless and I have little mobile time to tackle it. Speaking of which my day off is filling up with things to do and I do need to get moving. Will do my best to catch up with you xo Laura

[finding_laura]

morning P,
having a coffee while I decide if I’m going in to work or not. I don’t want to miss as I’ve been out a lot lately but I’m finding myself in a lot of pain these days. I was like this all last week but managed to convince myself that work is where I needed to be and managed to put in my days by focusing on a half hour at a time. Much like recovery can be I was just taking it in small chunks of time.
I have had to take medication for depression since I was in my early twenties. I didn’t want to have to keep taking medication for life. The psychiatrist who was seeing me at the time said to me…”if you had high blood pressure and you needed to take a pill every day to control it you would. This is the same, you have an illness and there is medication to help control it” So simple yet we are so against medications that may help us. Well miss sweet pea, I’m off to finish getting ready for work. One day at a time, one hour at a time. I’ll get there and you will too. Sweet dreams!

Laura

[finding_laura]

Dear P,
how did you fall down? Are you being too hard on your self? I hope you have a restful night and that things look brighter in the morning. (((((((((((( P ))))))))))))))))))

Laura

[finding_laura]

Good morning Carole,
Another crazy week and a half of ups and downs for you I see! Feeling out of control was likely a big trigger. I can see that in me too. It’s a feeling of everything is so chaotic and going to a take a herculean effort so why not gamble? But it didn’t take you long to remember your new patterns and strengths! Very proud of you. Here are the lessons I learned from you and Cat today….I keep things bottled up inside, everyone has dark times and days where life throws crap at you and it’s ok to share how you are feeling, I need to work on what is in my control, a day can make a difference 🙂
I hope you have a great day Carole. Stay strong and keep up the great work!!!!!
Laura

[finding_laura]

a new day, a new week… finding myself struggling to get moving this morning. Also find it hard to find words, although not quite 7am yet so maybe I’m excused. Carole I admire your strength and courage in dealing with things head on. P, I hope you find your list easier to tackle. Just not too much pressure to complete it 🙂 Have a good gamble free week everyone. ODAAT Laura

[finding_laura]

Congratulations Bettie!!!! You have worked hard at your recovery and deserve every bit of satisfaction you are feeling. And if you aren’t truly feeling it… well get to it!!! I hope you do something to celebrate this milestone. This site or this world would not be the same without you in it for sure. Just look at all the lives you touch every day. Not only in your every day life but in all those you’ve touched through GT connections. I’m so thrilled for your success and happy to call you a friend. Enjoy your weekend xo Laura

[finding_laura]

Dear ((( Carole ))) WOW! Was stopping by to thank you for the lovely heart felt post that you left for me last week and a catch up and read all you have been through. There are so many people in this world who would not stop long enough to even THINK about inconveniencing themselves to help another unknown person. Let alone go through the pain and suffering you have. Very selfless Carole, a wonderful gift of life. Sounds like your choice to not donate again is the healthy and sensible thing to do. I totally understand about the trees! It’s still habitat for a lot of animals. It’s 3am here and I’m starting to get sleepy again so am hoping my typing is making some sort of sense lol I was also so happy to see Larry’s post as well. Great to see you both are doing so well. You have my admiration Carole! take care!
Laura

[finding_laura]

hi ((( P ))) We are at opposite sides of the world and you are always in bed when I’m having morning coffee and I’m usually in bed early so I cannot have coffee with you 🙁

I too have had some very stressful days but things are starting to settle. Ive been a little down in the dumps. Still pretty tired and having a hard time building my energy back up. I’m my own worst enemy sometimes and I know. I’m getting my eating back on track. I sometimes shift into eating nothing all day and then crap for the most part all evening and into the night. Not a wonder I have energy problems! Keep up the great work P! Day by day, the day is better than it would be with gambling in it. So no matter how rough a day we are having it would and could be worse! Hope you had a great sleep and your day starts off with vim and vigour!! take care, Laura

[finding_laura]

well I can say that I’ve been resting up this past week and the majority of the house is sorted and freshly painted or scrubbed. It does feel good Sad to finally have things as I can see them. I tried not to drive myself crazy but every time I looked as something that was neglected I could see how it aught to be. As my disabilities make it difficult for me to do a lot of cleaning I’ve purged a lot of the things in my home. If I don’t love it or need it it is gone! Makes it easier to keep things tidy. I always made things too big in my own mind. I would almost get paralyzed with the thoughts of what needed to be done. Sometimes I’d get stuck on one thing and because I couldn’t do it, nothing else would get done either. I was given advice here about breaking things down into small manageable pieces. I try and do that now. Also, I make a list of things to be done, but I don’t pressure myself to do everything. If there is one really scary or difficult task , I challenge myself to do that first. Then the other little jobs seem to fall into place. Gradually over the past 4 years since I stopped gambling things have been dealt with. I do have to admit it has been challenging though.

Sad, thank you for sharing your thoughts and your feelings. I’ll have to check out those online courses myself. So much self improving to do and so little time to get there I find. I think those thoughts too. A lot of the slogans I’ve learned at GA seem to be running through my head when it comes to my relationship. What will be different this time? Nothing changes if nothing changes. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Oh dear!

Hope everyone has a good gamble free 24. Thanks for always checking in on me P!

take care,
Laura

[finding_laura]

good morning P, so glad to be able to say that life should start to slow down for me a little bit. More ME time. I read through your last couple weeks of posts. So many things you said are insightful, helpful, inspirational.
” I am learning to say what i mean and mean what i say. ” Boy I can use some help with that one!!! Off to do some more reading. I just got off the phone with Bettie. One of these days she and I will get back to doing our step work but in the mean time I get a little boost and some recovery talk every week with her. Keep taking care of yourself! Miss our chats, seems like forever. ODAAT! Laura

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