[finding_laura]

so yeah, no money was actually a little money that was to get us through to payday. I spent half of it gambling. And we scrambled through with me constantly checking credit card balances and having a lie prepared for why I couldn’t pay for my treatment- physio. I just don’t like my current head space. Changing in someways would be so easy. Just open my mouth and tell my husband. It’s hard to admit. Because if you don’t know what that irresistable draw feels feels like how can you undrstand? Weekend safe time. I need to get a grip.

[finding_laura]

off to the city today for an appointment. I have no money in the bank, only a credit card that I can’t use for cash so today should be a little safer day. What do they say? We can do anything for just one day. Just today is all I need to focus on. No gambling for today. Have a good day ODAAT

[finding_laura]

Thanks Dan. When i spent hours reading articles on gambling addiction in the beginning of my recovery,it amazed me how much it affects our brain , changes them. How come people don’t understand it is a real addiction when it is purposefully designed to be as addictive as possible. Designed to light up our reward centers like holiday fireworks. And when life is treating us sh*tty what other way to try and balance things out? May as well set of the brain chemical fireworks. I’ve always had trouble controlling my gambling, almost from the very first day. I’ve historically dealt with depression. Then add down right selfish insensitivity on the part of my husband and best friend and well, gambling for a few hours every day, and more if i could get away with it, looked pretty dam good. But that is the past, 12 years ago now.

So what is my excuse now? I just like them. Like the kick of adrenaline I get when I win. Enough that I don’t mind losing to get it, I’m never a real winner after all. I’m sneaking around like a thief hiding from my husband and any of his family i may run into. His mom had blabbed to his family that I had blown a lot of money gambling. Some of them like to gamble too. Or, maybe run into a friend of my husbands who’d mention to him that they’d seen me. Risking my marriage as he’d sworn the last time he’d leave me if he caught me gambling again. That was a good part of me being gamble free for 6 years. That was my big barrier. But for some reason that isn’t enough right now.

Work days and appointment days in the city are my bad days. Because I run errands and sometimes they end up taking longer as i go gambling and then rush to get a few things done before getting home. This has limited my damages as i don’t have much time. But, where there is a will there is a way and sooner or later I’ ll cause myself great harm.

I was hoping to catch someone in chat but it’s been a quiet hour. Time to do laundry and get ready for a Monday. I did a little bit of painting this afternoon. Nice coat of white on my trim in my new little office/den. Nearly killed me but I did it. Well, two thirds, the rest is for another day.

I really need to focus on the gambling issue as I have money coming to me in a couple of months! ODAAT, I need to set up some safe guards for that money before it comes!

[finding_laura]

Hi D,

I don’t know if it ever “kicked” in for me that enough was enough until it was almost impossible to avoid financial calamity without a herculean effort. I wa a 38 year old woman who ended up needing a financial bail out from her parents to avoid losing my family’s house. And my husband found out I really had a problem then and there. The longer we gamble the bigger the hole we dig, the longer it is going to take to get out. And we sure as heck won’t win our way out, cause if we win it just goes right back in. We can’t control ourselves. We need to find ways to have our money controlled so we don’t have access. We don’t tell people that we are done gambling, because quite often we don’t really want them to stop asking us to go. What I wanted for a long time was to be be able to control my gambling. But what I needed was to stop the cycle of insanity. Can’t believe I jumped back into it! Good to see you in group. Laura

[finding_laura]

Hi Rose,

at least you don’t have that big secret to deal with! Hubby knows. Would he be supportive of your attending a support group, like Gambler’s Anonymous or going for counselling with someone who deals with gambling addiction issues? Have you ever talked to someone here on the help line? They may have some online counselling services, i know they used to do some. Honestly for me, the biggest help was counselling, GA AND gave over control of my money. I was in a really bad place. Just something to think on. Take care, Laura

[finding_laura]

At my GA meeting they ask if anyone needs to “re-introduce” themselves. Not sure if its the same everywhere or not. But I think it’s a nice way of asking if anyone needs to share a change to their last day gambled. By being there and re-introducing themselves to the group it is understood that they truly want that to be their “Last day gambled”. I’m glad that we have our peers in this forum to come to for accountability. Thanks for the support. Hope to see a post when you are ready. Take care, Laura

[finding_laura]

HI Rose, I totally understand how you feel. You are there because you’ve crossed the line to be coming a compulsive gambler, and unfortunately there is no going back. No occasional or take it or leave it gambling. It is sad what gambling does to people. But because its not a “substance” problem it’s even less understood. People just don’t understand. Unless they are an aware compulsive gambler. I hope you find support here to help you work this out. The only way things will get better is if we stop. And for me that involved getting a lot of help and putting up a lot of barriers. Keep reading and posting. Hope you get a chance to attend some groups. Take care, Laura

[finding_laura]

That’s the thing about making it to group meetings that are moderated here. They voice the questions you do not want to ask your self. Because you already know the answers. And you don’t want to hear them. And if your lucky they’ll ask you something you never thought to ask, they’ll give you advice that is spot on, because quite often they’ve been there before. So what does the person who fell off the wagon have to do? Give over control of finances again in my case. Which no matter what will raise all sorts of questions. Ones I never thought I’d have to face again. I somehow got careless about my recovery, my abstinence and my own mental health. And what are the consequences of this relapse? I am once again a liar and a the very least a deceitful person who has risked financial harm for my family. And it took me to the brink before. How can i fool myself like this? That somehow it is going to end up different than every other time? I just keep thinking omg I suck. Weekends are safe for me, no opportunity. Doing some touch up painting this weekend and having nephew for a sleepover. Cooking a roast pork dinner tonight. No time for trouble! Avoiding doing what I should. Wondering if there is someone else to monitor me. I never wanted to be in this place again. My addiction will never end. Laura

[finding_laura]

Hey flying Dutchman,

usually that something giving is me, to the slot machines! Seriously though, sounds tough, with the urges! I played out in the real world too. The thing that helped with my urges was having my bank account monitored and had to provide receipts for the money I spent, to my mother. I was a 39 year old woman who had to be held accountable. Gradually we stopped, but I wish I would have kept it up. I had six years of no gambling, most of it without being monitored. I hope you are able to find something to help with the urges. Keep posting!

[finding_laura]

Dear Blue Panda,
I’m so sorry to hear all that you have been going through. Life isn’t fair, that’s for sure. It seems as though you’ve had more than your fair share of troubles as of late. So many of us somehow use gambling as a coping mechanism. The problem is, it becomes a problem in it’s own right. The mess and chaos it makes of our finances, time, and thought makes our original problems so much worse.
But there is hope. And coming here and voicing your problem is a good start. Read about what others have done to help them stop, use the resources here as much as you can! Learn about barriers, how to stop having access to the money you use to gamble for example. It is good to know you are not alone with this. Keep posting. Laura

[finding_laura]

thanks for the note Liz. Recovery works if you work it! Have a good day!

[finding_laura]

Thanks so much for your words of encouragement Geordie! As far as the why, who know this time round. I think it’s because deep down I still like it. But like all addicts I can’t have what I like because I can’t take it or leave it, do it in small amounts, use reason, or be financially responsible to myself and my family. Because I basically self destruct! Glad to see you still here, working your recovery. Thanks again, Laura

[finding_laura]

So true Charles. I had stopped maintaining my recovery. Whether it’s because I thought I didn’t need it any more or just “got away” from the things that helped me remember that I have a gambling PROBLEM that will never be solved. That it must always be managed using the tools that helped me stop in the first place. Thanks for you post.

[finding_laura]

thanks for the encouragement Vera! Playing with fire, tempting fate by pulling the tail of the devil! I had to look that one up although I think I got the idea of it. It’s a Dublin expression according to the net! Tired of playing games. Have a great day Vera.

[finding_laura]

didn’t get too far yesterday. Did some reading and then went for a nap. I’ve been sleeping a lot lately. Hiding from my life? Fed up with life. But there are so many struggling to hang on to the life they have been blessed with and here I am wasting it. Went to group today. Gave me a few things to think about. Struggling to focus and not go off for another nap! Work tomorrow. Hopefully I’ll make it in for this shift. yawn. Medication changes as well may be part of this. Well enough feeling sorry for myself. keep well everyone

[Author]

Posts