[finding_laura]

Hello IDI, it is late for me but I managed to have a long afternoon nap. I’m not sure what your work situation is exactly so that makes me hesitant to say too much about it. However, if you will still be financially stable (as long as you don’t gamble) and it will give you the time and space to devote to yourself and your family, I can’t see that being a bad thing. I missed big chunks of time with my kids that I will never get back.
Working on ourselves can also be time consuming and if you can give yourself some space to do it that is great.
Gambling changes our brains. When we stop it takes a long time for things to come back to some semblance of normal. Chemicals are shifting and changing. Emotions so strong. But eventually the gambling fog clears and you can see things the way they are. I’ll try and do some digging for a resource that explained what I’m trying to say much clearer. I referred to it a lot in my early days.
I can understand using gambling to escape feeling the emotions of losing someone. Many GA members that I knew crossed the line into addiction with the loss of a loved one.
Be proud of your 25 days, they have come with a lot of hard work on your part. Take care IDI, Laura

[finding_laura]

Hi I Did it,
I’m here reading your thread and didn’t realize there was a group. I’m signed in now if you are still here

[finding_laura]

thanks for your kind thoughts Liz! I”m hoping it will too. My last surgery fused sections of my spine and put in rods. Surgery will be to cut out the mass and fuse another level. I’ve had a few better days, the mass which is actually made up of spinal fluid may have shrunk some as the pressure on the nerves has eased. I’m taking what I can get as I don’t know how long this will last. Any improvement is good improvement. I’ve been able to been on my computer a bit more which allows more contact here. Take care Liz!

[finding_laura]

Thank you so much P for your lovely post. Made my heart smile 🙂 I was so glad to return to the site and see you doing well with your recovery. You and Vera struggled so hard to fight the demon and to come back and see both of you succeeding thrilled me and is inspiring me to get back on track. I don’t think I ever made it a secret that I have some issues with anxiety. You always made me feel at ease and it has been good to “see” you around the site again. Take care and have a good day!

[finding_laura]

Thanks so much Geordie. It’s true, the long timers at GA don’t miss going to meetings. And they don’t forget to tell their story. They remind themselves in front of a group of peers exactly what it was like. And the newbies bring fresh pain to remind them if their story has faded in time.
I’ve proven a few times that I can forget the past as the rawness of the feelings fade. I wish I could stick my last post at the top, to remind myself as I sign on. Reminds me of Kin’s parable about walking down the street with the hole in it. Maybe this time I’ll add another line or two and make it further down the street of recovery.
night!

[finding_laura]

When I read Geordie’s last post to me here I immediately was reminded about what I had so quickly forgotten in my health imposed abstinence. That I can always continue to sink to a new low when in action. And that the last time I had a health imposed abstinence I eventually got back my independence. Very shortly after my “recovery” efforts went out the window and I went on a full blown out of control spree. If I do not recognize this and actually use this time to work on myself and my barriers I will be worse than ever! My nearly six years of abstinence were mostly due to barriers and giving it a 110% effort to deal with the underlying issues that I had. But if I am being honest with myself the last few years of my recovery/long abstinence I slid away from all the things I need to continue on the right path. I stopped going to GA, I stopped using GT I thought because of some changes, I allowed everyone to give me back total control of my household finances and I did not use personal counseling. Sounds like a recipe for failure to me. Sounds like a road map of how to do it wrong. So thank you Geordie for taking the time that you did to read my posts and for your pointed comment. It was a gentle reminder to this mixed up CG.
Laura

[finding_laura]

Good morning I-did-it. I haven’t been around much for a few days. I had an installer in on Monday running lines for a TV satellite system so I spent the weekend pushing myself to do as much cleaning as possible. My husband and sons also did a lot so the house is starting to come together. I also had another medical appointment. All that to say I didn’t see your last post on my thread til last night for some reason. Yes it was an awful group and I’m glad that you haven’t dwelled on it. I was in group chat last night and it was like nothing ever happened. I still didn’t feel very comfortable and left shortly after.

I’m having problems stringing words together this morning. But the gyst of it is that your posts are perfectly fine. I get a lot out of reading them. And I guess the most important thing is you get a lot out of writing and reading them yourself. Your thread is here for you. Not to add extra pressure of being a pulitzer prize winning author 🙂 I do that to myself all the time. Go back and think wow, what was I saying, or i was having a bad posting day. I think you have started getting deeper into issues with yourself and that comes through in your latest posts.

Speaking of which, I owe Geordie a deep post. Not sure if I’ll string those words together today but that hasn’t stopped the thinking he caused!

I hope you have a good day,
Laura

[finding_laura]

I’ve often heard it said, through my Addictions counsellor, or reading, that the gambling is only 10% of the problem that we see. The rest lays beneath the surface like an iceburg. Most of us have been gambling for years by the time we seek help. And there are problems beneath the surface that either contributed to the gambling in the beginning maybe, or are the result of some of the consequences of gambling addiction. An example for me was that pre gambling Laura was a fanatical truth teller. And I had no respect for anyone who lied. Rock bottom gambling Laura had been lying either directly or through lies of omission for the past several years. This was a new trait that I now had to learn how to deal with, reverse. Not to mention the baggage of lying to my family and putting them in possible financial dire straits. I think I’m saying this because as you say you are tip toeing towards real recovery. And learning what it will take for you, because your story is unique, to be gamble free and in recovery. I was afraid to go to counselling too. She turned out to be a lovely non judgemental lady who helped me with me. She gave me more tools and just having someone to talk to who was so insightful I will be forever greatful. Not every counsellor is great. Not everyone is meant for us. If you try one and don’t like them don’t go back. I’ve done it before in the past. Just find a better one. You are worth it. Your family is worth it. Sometimes I think gambling addicts have lost the fight within ourselves. Real recovery means finding the fire within you to fight for you. Your list of accomplisments is great. Look at all you are doing. Soon these become the new habits and feel the norm. Feel proud of yourself IDI. Have a great day.
Laura
P.S. Sorry if I ramble sometimes, I am medicated lol

[finding_laura]

Hey I-D-I
sorry I missed chat! Dang it! PC volume was on not sure why it wasn’t making any noise when everyone was signing in and chatting! Although I spent a lot of time reading the latest posts on your thread. Lots to digest, i love Geordie’s posts as there are always lots of little nuggets of good advice and experience to dig out.

I have always held back some what on some details here at GT when it comes to my marriage and other perhaps identifying details. I live in a very small community and was always so afraid of being identified. I also wanted to be able to be honest here about recovery mistakes. I laughed a little when I read Geordie’s sentiment about “slips being a part of recovery” being a load of potatoes! I’ve probably used that one myself. lol. Yet I think sometimes its the thought behind the statement. We can’t go back and erase something. We can just look at what we can do differently to make sure it turns out differently. It sounds like this time you are making some big changes. The switch has been flicked! Week 3 Wohoo. You made it through some tough things this week. Real recovery is downright scary. It involves doing things truly outside our comfort zone. Admitting to things we’ve done that we’d rather hide out of the sunlight. Or it was for me anyway. Be proud of your success and build on it. One tool at a time. Enjoy the rest of the weekend!
Laura
P.S. I’m adding in that if you ever felt you couldn’t deal with everything within your GA group I wouldn’t hesitate to seek some counseling as well. I had to layer my supports. GA, GT, Gambling addictions counseling, medical support.

[finding_laura]

I made the trip yesterday to see the surgeon. He is recommending a fairly major back surgery. I’ve already had one before and I guess that wasn’t that answer I wanted to hear. Unfortunately where I am there is a waiting list. 1 year. Very depressing to think the improvements won’t even start for that long. Now that thought makes me want to gamble! Escape! Maybe forget my pain for a few minutes. I’m in chat, going to do some reading. Thanks for the support. Laura

[finding_laura]

It was so good to see some old and new faces in group chat last night. Gave me a boost to connect. In all honesty I’m in a constant state of distracted pain. I can’t even focus on a book or quite often even a tv program or silly game on my phone. When pain levels are lower I try and take advantage to move and get those things done that seem to be part of never ending housework. Although my housekeeping leaves a lot to be desired as I tend to do the stand up stuff. Everything below my waist tends to get ignored! Floors are atrocious! I have a consult with a surgical specialist tomorrow. I’ll find out more then. So that’s the health front update.

Gambling. I can’t get out to gamble. So there has been an imposed abstinence period of two and a half months. But I haven’t been thinking about my addiction, or how I’m going to deal with it when I’m mobile again. For now I really don’t even think about it day to day. Then a silly thought will pop in about how I’m going to sneak in a session some way some how next time I’m out of the house. But it isn’t possible. If my family ever seen me put one cent in a machine they would be terribly upset and disappointed in me. I don’t want to go back there again. So I guess I’d better start trying to focus and do something about it again. I’ll try to update soon.
take care,
Laura

[finding_laura]

Hope you are having a good day today P! Maybe doc had some answers for you when you seen him. I believe I read in some literature some where that it can take up to two years of abstinence from gambling for the chemicals in our brains to finally even back out. And I’m sure there are some changes that are permanent. Such a the crossed the line state of mind. When we go back it’s always instantly across the line. Our brain never goes back to being a non CG brain. That’s how I feel anyway. I’ve relapsed hard before 🙁 I don’t drive anywhere right now so seeing as my family and friends know about my past nobody is going to take me to a casino! I wouldn’t want to ask. I’m seeing a surgeon this week to find out more about what can be done for me. In the meantime it’s medication and physio and rest. Stay strong P. You have done amazingly well and worked so hard for your recovery. You deserve it! Take care, Laura

[finding_laura]

Thanks Vera and P for your posts and suggestions Vera. I can’t believe it’s been a month since I’ve posted but it’s been a rough one I’m afraid. Lots of pain. I’ve been a big stretcher and have been going to physio for almost ten years believe it or not Vera. They help to keep my body moving. My tests are showing a benign mass on my spine which is pressing against my spinal cord. I have an appointment coming up with a surgeon for the initial consult. He did my previous back surgery so he knows my history. I’m glad we have universal health care in Canada. I couldn’t imagine having to try and pay for this if it wasn’t covered by an insurance or I didn’t have any. I hope you are all doing well. I’d like to be here more but it can be difficult. Will do my best though to give you a few words Vera. Take care GT friends. stay strong!

[finding_laura]

I’m sorry to hear you are going through a rough patch P. But oh what a nice thing to read! One year gambling free one day at a time. Or as you said, sometimes an hour at a time. That took such courage and strength. If you would have looked at the challenge in big pieces instead of small it would have seemed impossible and overwhelming. Keep using those successful strategies and I know you will get through to a better day. Lots of blessings ahead 🙂
take care,
Laura

[finding_laura]

Still gamble free, but if you physically can’t get there that’s a big help.
So happy for you Kathryn. Truly! You deserve great things to look forward to. You have really stuck to your guns in recovery. That grand-baby you can totally focus on instead of how to pay the bills cause last pay went in the pokies! The great relationship you have with your daughter instead of rushing off to gamble. Just imagine how different things would be right now if you had never stopped gambling all those years ago now. Be proud, you have built this new gamble free life one day at a time.

Life is quiet right now for me with lots of waiting for tests and results and specialists. This is causing a bit of an upheaval in my relationship as my partner finds it an inconvenience to deal with an ill person. Who knew! I’m glad he thinks he will always be in perfect health and never have to rely on anyone!

I am having a hard time focusing on anything these days but it would be a good time to work the steps and focus on my addiction. It tends to go to sleep or lay low when I can’t go for long periods of time. And then wham, first opportunity down the road it will sneak up and bite me. And make up for lost time.

Laura

[Author]

Posts