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Hi Johnny, good to hear you are doing so well. Really! I’ve been catching up on your threads and when you look at the first entry on both posts and fast forward to your last one it is a miraculous transformation 🙂 It would be great to have you posting here again. Helping others is a great way to stay connected to your recovery. I had five and a half years in but just got too disconnected from “recovery”. No meetings other than picking up my chip for a couple years. Not connecting here. Feeling like I wasn’t CG enough to feel part of the membership. If that isn’t stupid when I think about it! Because once I stopped paying attention the CG returned. Nearly a year in. Feeling like I’m grounded in my recovery this time and I’m reaping some rewards. I came in to some money a while back and it actually went where it was supposed to go. Keep your eye on the prize and stay connected. Congratulations and well well done Johnny on your continued gamble free time. And thanks for the mother’s day wishes on your other post. Hard to believe it is almost the end of May. Take care,
LauraWas good to connect for a few minutes. I was out this evening to friends so am around for a late late group. I will be trying to catch the 2pm afternoon group. Depends if I can drag myself out of bed early enough! Will still be morning here. Enjoy the weekend. I’m sure you will still be busy but hope you get some R&R. Keep looking forward to that spa! Laura
Hey Rayman, you doing ok? So difficult. Does your work come with a health plan that allows counseling? I really think you need to talk with a professional. If you can find a well qualified professional with experience with gambling addiction it can be so helpful. My government runs a gambling addictions rehab facility and out patient program. Was the best “luck” I ever had. Gamblers anonymous also helped. My group was terrific. Barriers helped tremendously. This addictions is a silent killer. The shame at what we are doing keeps us from telling someone who can truly help us. I found someone to help with my money for a while. So I wouldn’t binge away all my savings. It’s like asking a drug addict who is just started rehab to hold on to a bag of drugs. It is true you need to find someone you can trust not to misuse your money. I chose a parent. You won’t have to do it forever but it sure helps with temptation. You can do this. Sometimes it just takes us a while to get the message how serious this addiction is and how long it can take to break it. We are never cured however. But we can have a good life. Thinking of you.
Lauraso happy to hear it Liz. Paid down debt and a couple of nice little rewards for your self. It must make things easier knowing you are banned. Barriers help us make better choices. Have a great weekend with your sister. Enjoy your lovely meal out and have fun with your jewelry making! Laura
I hear ya Johnny! When money gets tight there is the feeling of guilt for what we blew in the past and didn’t get the benefit of. And then too we feel like we have to explain where every cent went because our partner may wonder if we blew it all gambling! I was just saying in another post, I would suggest doing finances together if you are still being responsible for the finances. I make a point of telling my partner where all the money is going. I’ve even started keeping a notebook of weekly spending with a spot for the receipts and bore him with the details! We are trying to cut our expenses together as we are realizing some of our dreams for the first time. I blew it when I lost every bit of everything years ago. We are just finally recovering somewhat.
I’m happy for your good times and say vent away when you need to. Stopping gambling is a very difficult thing. Full of lots of different days. And I think we understand what each other is saying or feeling the way another CG can.
Keep hanging tough Johnny, you got a whole lot of gamble free future left.
Laura
Hi Brandon, happy to hear that you are on day five. I did ask the help line previously to see if they could find my old thread. I had lost it once upon a time due to a change on the site. I had also thought it time to let go of the past so started a new thread instead of waiting for them to see if they could recover it. I can ask them again if they could find it. My dates will likely be a bit fuzzy but here goes… I began gambling in 2005 approximately, at the age of 35. I liked it a lot. Slot machines. No skill required. It would let me zone out for a while. Forget about my marriage problems, and my health problems. I knew that I liked it too much. I only gambled small amounts when I started. And I would get very upset with myself if I spent more than $20. But gradually I seemed to bet larger amounts. And I would find myself wanting to gamble everyday. If my budget was gone in five minutes I would keep spending because I didn’t want to have to stop. At one point I stopped gambling for almost a year due to my worsening health and a resulting surgery. Unfortunately, even though I recognized I had a problem, I eventually went back when my health improved. This was even after joining this site back in 2007. I wasn’t ready yet to stop, I hadn’t hit my rock bottom yet. Over the next two plus years I lost tens of thousands of borrowed dollars. High interest loans to pay bills and gamble. The house of cards was going to come down sooner or later. In October of 2009 I had to face the fact that I was forcing my family into bankruptcy and we would likely lose our family home. I became suicidal at the thought of telling my husband. He had no idea as I had been the financial care taker. It was a very very dark time. I could see myself heading there long before I got to that place. Often other gamblers in recovery warned me to take precautions against myself but I didn’t. It was a very difficult time. Your partner realizes that your problem could take from any children you may have. And she isn’t wrong. My children paid a price for my gambling. When I finally started to reach out for help for my problem, from a sister, from an addictions counselor, from GA, I put in place safety mechanisms. My accountant mother had access to my bank accounts and I provided receipts for every purchase. I did that for two years. Only then did I feel confident I wouldn’t ruin things. I would suggest doing finances together with your wife. Accountability helps us. When an urge hits it will help you fight it knowing you would have to explain your actions. I picked up my 5 year chip at GA, but unfortunately I had stopped doing the things that made me accountable and supported me and I began gambling half a year later. Some things still made it harder to gamble, so thankfully I was restricted somewhat. But I was sneaking around like a thief and all my hard won honesty and integrity was lost. That bothered me the most. Because how can you have a good marriage that way. I have another year now nearly under my belt and am glad to be back on the path of recovery. I have made a commitment to myself to return to spending time here as often as possible. To support my recovery. And my husband and I discuss are finances regularly so he knows where we are at. He didn’t have a head for numbers, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t tell him regularly about our finances. I don’t want any more lies. Life is more peaceful without gambling. You and I may gamble for different reasons but the resulting destruction and chaos will be the same. If you have a compulsion or addiction to gambling it will rob you of everything good in your life and leave you with an empty shell of your self. We can recover, but why go any further down that path than you have to. I wish you all the best. Laura
Thanks Lily! Sorry to just be posting now, I’ve been traveling. This site has given me tremendous support over the years and I wish I had managed to absorb more of the wisdom that has been shared here.
I think acceptance is a big thing. It took me a long time to decide that I could never gamble again because of what happens to me. I am a gambling addict. This I now know for sure.
Hope you are still getting along well and coping with the changes.
take care,
LauraPlease don’t ever feel alone in this. We are not alone. We are the few here that chose to fight this addiction and not let it control the rest of our lives. That was one of the things that helped me stop. Realizing that I would gamble every last cent right into my old age. And I would have nothing, do nothing and leave nothing for my children. And I was in my 30’s when I started gambling. I loved it that much. So sad and a waste of a person’s time and resources. Please hang in there Rayman. You can’t give up. There is always something else you can try to stop. Take care, Laura
Great news about the upcoming summer vacation with your grandson. You helped your sister and you didn’t have to gamble to de stress afterwards. Must feel accomplished! Have a good evening.
LauraPsalm 16:7-8 – “I will praise the LORD, who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me. I keep my eyes always on the LORD. With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken.”
Proverbs 3:5-6 – “Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.”
When it comes to whispers from within that tell us to gamble, we should definitely not listen to ourselves.
Stay strong through the darkness.
Laura
Great to see the check in Jay! I’m doing well. Just got home from a week long trip visiting with family. I’m busy living life and planning a future. Not stuck in that loop. To answer your previous question, i don’t know if people think they can lick it after a few weeks of recovery but I know I couldn’t. It took a few attempts and a hard bottom before I really found recovery. And a whole lot of help was required. Keep living life. Thanks for posting. _ Laura
I’m glad you are posting Onmyway! As hard as this seems you can get control again. Usually by giving up control! I can understand not wanting to disappoint your husband. Maybe when your check come Friday and your debt clears you can give him control over your other account. I know it’s hard to admit we can’t do this all on our own. By giving up control it will help you get through the urges. Like any addiction there will be urges or cravings and mood swings. Keep in touch. We are here to help each other get through this. Good to “see” you again. Thank-you for sharing some of your story.
LauraGlad to read you are keeping busy and staying out of trouble as you put it 🙂 Yard saling and breakfast sounds nice. I hope your mom behaves. I’m watching my mom get older and I find she is getting more stressed with everyday life. She is not used to this world where service is no longer something that is provided. There are always going to be urges and triggers. I guess we have to learn to reduce or remove the triggers as much as possible. Stress and money coming are likely some of the triggers. Get rid of that tax return as fast as you can. Tie it up somehow if you want savings. A short term GIC or something. You won’t be able to get at it without some work. You’d do it for your daughter in a pinch but not to go gambling I don’t think. I hope these urges fade. Take care Liz!
It can feel so hopeless. Like quicksand sucking us down into the depths. Don’t give up Rayman. What can you do to keep your money safe? It takes a long time to get our thinking straightened out after we are in the middle of this bad. Can you ban from the casino? Can you have someone look after your money for you? I know it seems we should be able to do this ourselves but whatever it takes to put blocks or barriers between you and gambling do it! You have to save yourself from you if that makes any sense. And then you have to give yourself time to work on the addiction and what is at the root of it. White knuckled abstinence won’t help. Sooner or later we have to deal with the addiction. Take care Rayman. 40 days before, you can do it again. Laura
Dear Optimism,
I hope you are still here reading and looking into some type of gambling support like gamblers anonymous and addictions counseling. I’m sorry for my late response! Thanks to being in recovery I have been able to do things lately I never thought possible. Like travel.I can tell you the hard decisions I made to help me stop gambling. But first I had to know that I couldn’t gamble again. If I did it was going to take from me all of the most wonderful things in my life like my marriage, my relationships with my children, and my family. Maybe you kept thinking somehow you could handle it. You could control it. But once we cross that line and become addicted we will never be able to do that again. So please take the hard steps needed to put yourself back in the drivers seat of your life. Give up control of finances to someone you trust. When we are in a weak moment we can give in so easily. Especially in the first months of withdrawal and emotions. As i first said, get support from GA or other support group. Find a good counselor. Perhaps your wife needs some support as well. Some counseling. You can come back from this and have a quite normal life. Please know that. But you have to fight for your wife and your self. Please keep posting. Sometimes things get a little quite around here and it takes time. I hope you are doing ok.
Laura