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To clarify, I didn’t think you were blaming her but good to hear you aren’t! Sometimes people don’t want to be put in that position if they know they will always be saying no or be treated like the bad guy. Did you ever ask her why she wasn’t willing? What her reasons are. I asked my sister not to lend me any more money if I asked. Honestly I hoped I was too ashamed to ever ask again but I wanted to make sure she understood not to. I understand what it’s like to feel so terribly low, worthless, ashamed, run down, half crazy from lack of sleep and sick thoughts. It took a lot for me to stop. I had to run out of money. I was terribly in debt. No money for food. No money for heat for the house and winter coming. I live in Canada. You don’t coast through winter without heat. I was suicidal. I understand the shame of it all. But it’s an addiction. That is what I know. And beating an addiction is hard but it can be done. We are here to walk the journey with you. Put in place whatever you can and maybe when your partner sees you are serious you could talk to her again about the finances. Ask the counselor when you see them how you could maybe approach it. Where there is a will there is a way. All the time and effort you used to put into gambling, now put into a recovery. Day one.
I won’t lie and say you haven’t put yourself in an extremely tough place. And we pay a price. No two ways about it. But you can stop digging this hole and instead start working on getting yourself out.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (my addiction- I cannot and will never be able to gamble responsibly- it’s over it’s done)
Courage to changes the things I can (myself)
And the wisdom to know the difference.Laura
I don’t blame your partner for having enough of your gambling. Mine was having enough with my gambling or what he knew of it. I hid a lot of it until I couldn’t hide it any more. It kind of imploded on me. And then boy what a confession.
I guess the question is have YOU had enough of your gambling? I didn’t know whether my hubby would stay or go, but I knew I had had enough of my gambling too. No matter what he chose. That’s why I made the efforts I did. And actions will speak louder than words to your partner. GA meetings and having your head in them would be a good start. Anyone else in your family you trust that would help with your money? Do you have any idea what you owe and how you are going to pay it all? I went to a non profit credit counseling service for advice. It’s a lot to ask someone to take on so you need to know what you are asking them to do and be able to give them all your figures. And what about addictions counseling. This is tough to stop. You have to use as many tools as you can to stop. And stay stopped. Gambling causes too much chaos for us that are compulsive gamblers. The calm can start with one day. It’s good you came back.
LauraDear Kin, I think you realized that yourself when you decided to make a change. I just worded it differently. I’m happy to hear the new job is working out so far. My guess would be that this will be a transition for you. It’s a good barrier for now and someday you will find something that has a little shorter hours to allow for life but is not so stressful as your old job. Feeling peaceful and contented is its own rich reward. I don’t need wealth, yes money to live comfortably, but more important is to live our best life. God bless Kin!
Great to see an update! I’ll take a one liner as it lets us know you are still with us. Still in recovery. Every day may not be rosy but gambling would make any day worse! Enjoy the weekend gamble free. Laura
Hey Liz, hope the urges settled down. We all have our triggers and sensing any kind of danger for your children or family drama can definitely be a biggie. Deep breaths. Your youngest is doing great. Your oldest’s BF shouldn’t have been bad mouthing her. Sometimes we try and hold on to old friends even though we take different paths. Perhaps that is all that it is with your youngest. I can understand your concern for her as we know that going back to old patterns can be hard on recovery. But I guess all you can really do is offer to be there as their mom. Offer gentle suggestions where you can about recovery. After all you are working on your own! And be very protective of your own recovery. You are the example. Whether we like it or not that is what we are to our children. We can work on breaking the influence our parents had if it was traumatic or dysfunctional but it does take a while as many an addict has found out. I hope you find some less destructive ways to lessen the urges. Walking, meditation ( i even found a free ap that walks you through basic meditation if needed) painting, weeding, all very therapeutic. Part of recovery is being kind to ourselves and knowing we do our best. We are not perfect. I’ll say a prayer for you and your girls that everyone finds the strength needed. Hope you have a good weekend. Happy belated 4th of July.
LauraThanks everyone for all your thoughts you shared. I got a lot out of this string of posts. Great food for thought!
Dear Gino, I know you may not believe this but how you feel right now can change. Please please call a family member and have them take you to the hospital. You need to have help. Now. You are in an extremely vulnerable and sensitive state. Your family would want you to call them. You are not a burden. This can get better. 9 years ago I thought about it every day. Ending my life because I was useless and more than useless I was damaging. I thought that was the only worth I had to my family. But that is not rational thinking. You have been basically ending your life with gambling. Going down a dark path. I reached out to family and for medical help. It was not easy but things slowly started to turn around. I wouldn’t have missed a thing this past 9 years. I am happy to be alive. To be here with my children and family. The gambling and depression and other things are all intertwined. But you can get better. Please, go to the hospital. Tell them what you have been thinking. Your health and sanity are worth more than any job or what anyone thinks. This is a mental health issue. If you had a broken leg there would be concern. I’d rather have a broken leg!!!! You understand what I mean. Be brave. Get help. Please.
Hi Jack, welcome to the forum. It is truly devastating when we realize what we’ve done. Losing it all hurts no matter what age. Thinking about what that money represents after we have gambled it will nearly drive us crazy. The problem is that it isn’t our money anymore. We spent it, we gave it to them and they don’t give it back. There is no promised win. Thankfully you haven’t borrowed a lot of money yet to feed this addiction you have. And that is what it is. You are addicted to the feeling you get when you win. We can’t cash out feelings so we go back looking to get that feeling again. It doesn’t matter if it costs us everything we keep trying. I’m glad you have the support of your girlfriend. I would suggest that you put in place as many barriers as you can. I believe you can sign up on GAMSTOP in the UK to prevent you from opening online accounts. But I’m not from there so perhaps someone could tell you more. You can beat this addiction. Keep close to this site and do some reading of past posts. There are many suggestions and advice contained there that can be helpful. And ask for advice and help if you need. Perhaps some counseling would be helpful. Well done on coming here. Laura
Hey Brandon, congratulations on two months gamble free. There could be a lot of reasons you don’t have the itch. Shitty feelings about debt and broken trust can definitely be one. The barriers that you wanted to put in place are working. The effort that it would take to gamble requires being downright sneaky and dishonest so that can be one. I was like that for a very long time. Months and months. But eventually I did get an itch. Certain states or feelings can trigger an urge such as being hungry, angry, lonely or tired. I’m glad it didn’t do that to you this time and instead you voiced it here. A promise is a promise and isn’t it nice to be able to keep them these days. Hope you got some rest. Keep aware. As you say, we need support systems and outlets. Have a good weekend. Laura
Hey Kathryn. Sounds like a great day off even if you did work a while. Your right, doing it with the right people makes almost anything fun. Keep treasuring your bestie as I know you do. And your recovery. And the time and attention you now have to enjoy all your blessings like your children and grandson and soon another grandchild! I love the energy you bring to everything. Keep living your best life.
And a chat sounds lovely! Take care always,
LauraHi Jdawgg and thanks for sharing your story. You are not a scum bag! you are someone who has an addiction. Like anyone who has an addiction you can rehabilitate yourself. Usually with a lot of help and a lot of measures. We are not addicted to the actually money itself (although we do fantasize about what we will do with it in the beginning) we are addicted to the high we get when we win. That part of our brain that lights up and releases feel good chemicals responds to the win. Not the wad of money or numbers on the screen that we are so quick to gamble back.
If you really want to stop there are measures you can take. Like maybe stop looking for bailouts. I told my one sister that I would always go to for a loan that I was a gambling addict and I didn’t want her to lend me any more money. Drastic but I didn’t want her to feed my addiction or enable me. I also asked someone to take care of my money for me for a while. I was given a daily or so allowance. Again, this helped to make sure I didn’t have the money to feed my addiction. I guess what I would say to you is look at what/ how you gamble and what measures you can put in place to stop yourself from gambling. Do you gamble online? What country are you from? Different places and ways of gambling have different ways to you can use to stop your access. I hope you seriously look at stopping this forever. Keep posting. Spending time with people in recovery can help. Take care,
LauraHi Jim, welcome to the forum. Thank you for your honesty in sharing your story. Relapse shouldn’t be expected but it does happen. In my honest opinion if you feel like this will be too tempting you’d be better off taking a step back and let your wife give you an “allowance”. I don’t think it will have to be forever. It just may have been too soon for you. I always felt like I had two minds. The gambling one which was primitive and caveman like, grunting and demanding to be satisfied. And the sensible one that knows it can’t keep going like this. That knows there is an end to what your wife will accept and a bottom to your bank account. Use the sensible part of you to outwit the gamble brain. It makes more sense to plan for long term gains and satisfaction. I have gone on to have the things I wanted to win. But more important than things I have nurtured back relationships and I enjoy outings and events again. Keep posting. Keeping connected with others in recovery can really help. Take care, Laura
Hi Stephen. You were able to say the problem straight out. You are addicted to gambling. Your behaviour is that of an addict. Gambling is a terrible addiction as we can hide it for so long. We get up and go to work and no one smells last nights gambling on us. Other than our moods maybe. I think IDI has some good advice for you. In the mean time it sounds like you have hit bottom and had a good look at where the next stop is. This will keep going and end in jail or death. You will leave your son without his father. Where you are now sucks. But you can still live a good life. One year from now could bring change you can’t imagine. And your son deserves to have THAT person in his life. Take a snapshot of where you are now. Your post above summarized it pretty good. And know, you can go up from here. A long long way up. And it is up to you to want it and to go after it.
When I hit my rock rock bottom, cause I had a few thumpers on the way down, I decided I didn’t want to be someone who wastes and wasted their life shoving her hard earned money into a machine for the rest of my life. I had almost completely destroyed my family relationships. We were going to lose our home and everything basically. So what I did was turn over all control of my money. I lived on a small allowance. I started gambling addictions counseling. I attended regular meetings at my local Gamblers Anonymous. I told my family members abut my problems. And if you can’t tell your dad I understand. So then you figure out other ways to stop yourself. You put as much effort into not gambling as you did into gambling. Ban from local casinos and bookies. If in the UK register for GAMSTOP. Ask work to stop advancing you money. Whatever the reason you give. Install gambling blockers on your devices. Anything that helps you to stop and look at the snap shop you posted above. Play the tape to the end. With you selling your son’s PS4. Look at the first post on my thread. Talk to your doctor for any support he can give you. And please keep posting. Being around people in recovery can rub off. It did on me. It can on you too. Take care,
LauraReally good to read your post! Over 7 months is well done! You have the right of it Johnny. Just wait and work through the tight time. We will def make it worse. And what I discovered was it’s the lying sneaking bit and the broken trust and promises that is the worse part of gambling again. I’m sure that you like the new you who has realized he can’t have it both ways. You sure chose the right door. Thanks for your well wishes! Keep enjoying your new life. and thanks again for the update! Nice to see some traffic on the forum. Laura