[ell]

Amazing!  Your description  your poem is just amazing !
I hadn’t seen it until now.
And it gave me a smile and a warm tear  because I m reading it now and now  i beleive it is my time.  I can see the key i have it on my hand i opened the door and i can feel that there is the light …i just need the power to make the  first step to just walk away . thank you . Thank you from my heart.ell

[ell]

Amazing!  Your description  your poem is just amazing !
I hadn’t seen it until now.
And it gave me a smile and a warm tear  because I m reading it now and now  i beleive it is my time.  I can see the key i have it on my hand i opened the door and i can feel that there is the light …i just need the power to make the  first step to just walk away . thank you . Thank you from my heart.ell

[ell]

I understand everything jenny and Adele wrote me, and girls thank you very much. I m thinking a lot of what you said me.
But  I feel that I’m in  the middle of a serious case now because I must react fair to someone and of course I must protect my insecure.
 And I think that the problem at the end is mine not his….even if he caused the problem I feel that is mine….
Well that’s it in a little word:   (please just suppose)
You married someone 1 year and you found out that he is a gambler.
You talked him he listened immediately.
He never played from that day he stopped.
9 months he is free
He works 2 jobs to pay the debts
You have all the accounts and he gives you receipts every day and he never ask for money
He cut the internet in our home we don’t have he doesn’t need it 
He has now and old model phone with no internet from the first day of his recovery
He doesn’t miss the gamble or the internet( I can say that because  he is not anxious about these things.)
The counselor is ok with his progress 9 months now.
He is always and he was home with his family, never go out alone.
He understand his wife that she is with fears now
He is trying every day for the best of his family. He is commitment to this.
And he is with a smile in his face …..
He don’t argue with you …and he answering whatever you ask him
Suppose that this is your husband.
Everything goes ok until now .
And now is the time after 9 months:  he is telling you that he feels that he doesn’t need the therapist … or to say it better:  not every week
What would you do?
I know that you will tell me that no one could tell you what to do.
But I have to separate my own -my private fears from his early successful recovery.
I don’t know if you can understand me. I think is a red line here. I must be fair enough with him.  I want to see the truth not only my feelings.
He is doing very well and he asks something and because I’m afraid I must do what? I must  castrate him ?????? 
I must not and I don’t want if something scares me just say the excuse to myself, ?? ?ll you are not ready so it is ok to still put up your barriers and say no. No one will tell me that I’m doing wrong because I’m the “victim”. But a third person can understand that maybe you are a little unfair.
But you begin to make yourself ready for something only when someone ask you.
I was shocked the first day from fears.
Now I m in the stage that I must separate my fears from his successful recovery. And I think that I will feel the light. Because from the first day I need a real recovery on him and on our relationship.  
If he will betray my trust is my private fear. He must first have a chance. If he has no chance in an early but successful recovery then I think that I’m a ****** and I’m looking only myself. The best thing is to try to look both.  
I just try to write my thoughts and my feelings but I don’t know if I make sense.
I want to protect me and my fears but I don’t want to do this by just  kicking him out. I think that I have 2 different things in my table but in the same time.
If I never give him what is he asking to try then I m not truly with him, I’m with him only when is ok with me??
I’m trying always to think both sides. But the 2 sides are different and I think that I should find the solution for each side.  is not the  same solution , I suppose , I think .
Forgive me if I don’t make sense. But I know that your answers will help me
Thank you
ell
 

[ell]

Adele ***** (a quick answer)
And thank you very much for your post .
Yes that is what I want , i agree with you totaly
In the first paragraph of your answer is all that I need….
Take care your self adele you are doing so  well – just keep  improving yourself!
 

[ell]

*****  my dear velvet
I agree too with everything adele and berber wrote …..everything
when I  connect to the site and I  see “velvet post”  to all the members  is a relief  and believe me I feel very very good . I feel peace. You are the light in this forum and your words and post are priceless and without you and your knowledge I wouldn’t be here.
Please  take care your health and yourself you are so precious  here !
ell

[ell]

Velvet *****  and thanks
Velvet, no we don’t have gambling conversations.   Nothing for gambling.
But We have issues when only I m finding a new debt. And that is a little often. But we don’t discuss even there velvet.
 I’m finding the debt he is telling I’m sorry, I’m getting silence I don’t speak he is frightened and he is waiting me to react. That’s it and nothing more than this. I never do conversations for gambling and I don’t want to.  I asked him sometimes if he is tempted and if he thinks that he need something more for his recovery he answered no and that’s it. Im answering that ok I believe you.
I’m not the woman that every day I’m asking how was your day? Are you tempted today? Have you thinking the gamble? What did you do with the therapist? No I’m not asking anything. Only the basic .   I’m not telling you  that I don’t feel that I would like sometimes to ask all these questions but when I feel that I want to ask something I just stop my self.
The only thing that I do the same every day is I’m giving the money he need for the day only and he lives me in the kitchen the receipts. And I have all the accounts.  Except this month which I left him all his salary in his account because I’m running at work and couldn’t transfer it .Of course the money are in the account.
No he is not going to GA . He went at the beginning for one time and he refuse to go because he thinks that he don’t need it. (The Ga here in Greece it is not organized it is an empty room and you wait if someone will come .No one in charge no plans to follow).
No he is not reading the site , he refuse to do it. At the beginning I  told him, he knows very well that my recovery is from gambling therapy site. But he also thinks that he doesn’t need to read others stories because his excuse is from the first time  that he cannot relate with anyone else story.
So his only support from the beginning    was / is  the counselor , nothing else and that is because I said it .If he was in his hands he would stop the counselor because he thinks that he is ok and never needed someone to help him to realize that  he was addicted . He knows it and he stopped it immediately because he understood his mistake . That is so simple for his mind. In his mind is that he is not addicted anymore. He  never was tempted 9 months now and he doesn’t t miss it . And of course he doesn’t need any help and  I am the one that im making his recovery a huge matter in my mind because he doesn’t gamble now .But he semms that he understand that he is the reason for all my fears now.
Velvet you know very well all my journey with my cg . Yes he is a good man and yes he doesn’t gamble now and yes he is a good father and a good husband and yes he works a lot to solve with me all the debts. Yes he giving me the receipts and yes he don’t ask for extra money . Yes he is the same husband that I married he is no different in all the others chapters and yes in the only chapter that he made a wrong he solve it  and he stopped the gamble . And now we try to solve the  consequences.
But the word  “totally trust “ No im not ready .  I don’t know why but im not ready. if he stops the meetings I will lose the only small and general feedback that I have . I m not ready for this .  I know that I must prepare my self for this but im not ready now .   It is my instinct.
I need to see something more from just im not playing.  I don’t know what but im not ready .
He deserves everything and I deserve everything also . The balance is difficult for me now.I dont know what to do .

Thank you very much velvet for everything and I will write soon .
 
 — 5/6/2013 3:52:26 µµ: post edited by ell.

[ell]

The counselor feedback was :
The last sessions were difficult with no progress. The counselor found out some lies or secrets that my cg never told him and  asked him, (i dont know what the therapist found)  so the last meetings were hard  because the attitude of the counselor was different now .   
The counselor said :
My cg just wants to let pass the time and everything will just and simple go away. My cg cannot realize until now that he must do things except waiting the time pass. My cg cannot realize until now that is not only that he doesn’t gamble. His recovery is something more than that. Now he has some steps back my cg . But he said that we need time and patience .
I told the counselor that I know all these from the first day. I know that my cg is going to the therapist because I said it. I know that he doesn’t realize everything that happens in a meeting ….but I said him as long as I am with him he will not stop the meetings and I hope I believe I pray that someday he will understand that the meetings are for him and not because he is doing a favor to his wife. That is what my cg told me.
I asked him if he wants another counselor. And he said to me no he is very good and im ok with him I don’t need a new one.
But velvet I know that the counselor is very good with knowledge and I know that my cg interprets things that the counselor says. My cg is a flat mind.
I Don’t know what to think ….i m trying to think. I left for a month his salary in his account and it is still there. But I’m anxious because he told me that I don’t trust him and I cannot see that he never took the money from his account. and im afraid that what if all that are on purpose . He kept him self from not taking the money so I will give him my trust and tell him ok  kept the money and ok stopped the counselor . I m getting crazy with the ifs
I m thinking and thinking
 
 — 4/6/2013 2:28:21 µµ: post edited by ell.

[ell]

I want to say thank you  twilight no more jenny and adele for your answers . All helped me a lot . Im sorry for not answering in the right time but I have big problems with my work now .
Velvet  I want to say that im ok  ….i have a little difficult time with him but not have the time to solve it . That is hard but no time now for his problems I have very big problems at my work  and he respect it .
My cg told me with his words::
“””””I don’t need to go to the counselor anymore and exactly never needed.I know it inside me that I never needed.  From the first day I said that I stopped and that is the true.  And the counselor told me that  if I believe that I’m going to him and pay him for helping to stop my addiction is wrong because I don’t have problems with the  gambling  and exactly from the first day that you found it out  I don’t have problems . But I’m going and I will still go because I cannot help you with the “if “ you always have. You cannot believe that I don’t need a therapist and I’m  not asking you to do it  so I will keep going for you and maybe I find something else for myself with the meetings  and give you the time you need too  to realize with baby steps that I don’t need the counselor every week .
That was his words . I m a little anxious , I don’t know were is the true in his words . I know that I have to think a lot to find the true in my own head and that is the problem with my cg . He believes that im not trusting him so what ever he say to me for the meetings I will be anxious .   I told him that  I need toi think a lot and yes that makes me anxious and I m not ready to  talk about it now because we have problems at work .
That is my case now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
Thank you all very much

[ell]

My dear Adele ***** and welcome!
Thank you very much for your kind words.  And yes I know very well what is “God Thing”. I felt the same when i came here .

I’m very sorry for not answering you on time ….but I want you to know that my thoughts are with you .  I m posting now something quick  because as you read for me, my big problem in my life is time , but promise I will post you soon.
I can imagine that you already read a lot in the site and that your knowledge now is stronger than your first day 01/05/2013. Please keep reading.  You will feel the point that you will feel ok . And the clicks are so many believe me.  
My only advise for now is please separate the addiction from your hb there are two different things I think that you already know that but   of course separate you from the addiction problems .
 Make yourself stronger and stronger every day, the knowledege is here, please take it and you will become very strong and you will find the way how to win all the bad feelings inside you.All the years you had your self on "diet" please now give your self the "food" that is needed .Take care your self first , you deserve it. I can understand and feel everything I’m reading in your posts and I will be back soon. The food is the knowledge adele and the open ears, keep reading and listening and you will fell the deference.

You have a very strong profile Adele I believe in you, start believe to yourself too you are a strong woman !

I think that that night that you met me was very hard for you but I think now with your knowledge things will be with baby steps better and better every day .  Do not forget yourself me dear Adele.
It is an honor for me that I know  you now ……I m sending you my cyber hug .
With all my love ell

[ell]

My update
***** all my friends
Here in Greece we had Easter.  So for 4 days we had holidays with no work at all. That was very very good for me. So I spent all the 4 days with my daughter with walks and teaching her so many things.  I’m so happy for this. She smiling at me and I’m so happyyyyy.
My cg is doing ok he is still free from gambling. His recovery doing well. The 4 days helped our relationship too.  He got his monthly payment   at 01/05/2013 in his account. When he takes his salary   I have all the codes and transfer immediately all the money to my own account the same day. The new for me is that this month I didn’t do it. I did not transfer the money. I told him that I will do it …tomorrow. he asked me once  and I  told  him: tomorrow yes I will remove it but I didn’t . Today is 08/05/2013. For eight days his salary is in his own account. He never took a euro from there. I think that was a lesson for him and for me to see how accountable is now with the money and our debts.  Anyway I’m glad that the money is in the account but I will transfer them now and maybe the next 6 month I will do it again for check.
My dear velvet Good afternoon to you too, today I’m at work but I’m full from my daughter.
With all my love ell .
***** livsg123
I m so sorry for not see your post on my thread because I was on holidays. I want to say to you a warm welcome here in GT site. I can feel you and understand you so good. Here you will find help and support with no judging at all. You are in the right place for you. I know that you post me 01/05/2013 and no one saw it because it was in my thread. Please make a new post in this forum with your name on it and you will meet all our members and of course you will meet velvet.  I don’t know how to do it for you, sorry.We will speak very soon.

Welcome livsg and don’t forget how strong you are. With all my love ell

[ell]

Jenny thank you  very much for posting me.  Sorry for not answering in the right time. I read your post  many ***** and I can feel all the meaning of your answer to me . Thank you for telling me and remind me things that  already happened  to you and protect  me for not doing . I know that from your experience I can learn all the next steps that I will find in front of me .  Jenny I try to listen but I cannot tell that I will always will be able to listen everything or understand everything.  If I want to listen everything and not lose nothing for the communication I must improve me .I realize that his addiction is something that happened in my life and it will change Me . I want to be ok with my self first , I don’t know if me and my cg will succeed but I want if we broke up someday (if) to be a stronger and  a healthier  personality for my child . Like you, you are a stronger person now and a wise woman. Even I am with my cg or not I want to work on me and improve me  to accept all the right and the wrong things that im doing for the addiction . Jenny thank you for teaching me to not allow the addiction to close me down and to not lose the meaning of communication first for myself and then for my cg.
Velvet  your last  post for jenny and me  made me think so much and different things , the key to everything is our defensive attitude. If we go way from this feeling everything then has many chances to succeed.
But For throwing away the  defensive attitude  means that  you must learn not to have complex and have free thought  and not  afraid  the changes in your  life .
Free mind with no judge is the key to get read of the defensive attitudes that addiction causes and not only the addiction but almost everything  in life . But real no judge ,  not just to be polite and say that you will not judge. I know that you understand what  I’m trying to say .
The person velvet with no complex in his attitude  , with free mind with no real judge the others and with always improving him self velvet was my father and is my brother now. I leaved with my father who  only dream was my brother and I to be personalities without complex because that was the key for someoene to succeed in all the chapters in  life  .My brother  teaching me every day when we have a problem to put it in a box and  go out of the box and see the problem from upstairs and try not to have feelings when we are upstairs the box but only free  mind and we will see the solution easily. Always  a third person see  more clear a solution to a problem than someone with feelings . He is teaching me  how we can be the third person for ourselves.

Velvet my life of course with my brother now is always how we can improve our selves from heart. If someone can do this then he is a good person , not in words but in the meaning . I want if I die someone to tell that I was a good person and nothing more than that . I work for this and my brother always teaching me.
But you can understand how difficult is to do this when the slaps of addiction  are hard enough and the feelings is pain after the slamps
Your posts are so wise!
I hope  velvet to understand me , I wrote my thoughts and I don’t know if I can make sense .  with all my love ell,
My cg is smiling and he went to cut his hair and his beard and he feels more NEW now.
— 13/3/2013 3:57:56 µµ: post edited by ell.
— 13/3/2013 5:35:24 µµ: post edited by ell.
— 14/3/2013 11:03:40 pµ: post edited by ell.– 20/3/2013 2:34:45 µµ: post edited by ell.

[ell]

***** berber,
I m reading your post and I need to say berber , you are so close now, you can do it , I  understand that this costs you a lot of  energy but please don’t break now…Try to find all your power and the rights attitudes and words for your cg …Your birth time is coming 2-3 weeks more and then everything is possible to happen. You are in my thoughts , with all my love, ell
 

[ell]

***** my dear dear Monique
When I found this sait  I cannot forget that you were the first person who give me a warm welcome and told me that I’m in the right place for support . Velvet and you were my first posts.  When I read your post I was thinking “”” please god I need that to be true i need support “”
And it is true …here with all of you I have all the support I need and more than that. You are a wonderful person Monique and you cope very well and your cg is your son not a husband and I believe deep inside me (no one can change me this thought  ) that when a cg is your own child things are tougher  and harder than a husband cg (my opinion) . When your cg is a hb you do whatever you can for help but you always know that you can change him.lol
 That is why I respect very very much the mothers of cg . When I start reading the forum my choice was to read first the posts with the mothers because I thought that I have to find inside me the power like mothers to help my cg . That I must try see him like my child and help him. Thank you for helping me Monique to do that . You are a wonderful and caring woman.
Yesterday , when I read velvet post I left , I went home ,it was late,  my child was sleeping and  my cg came near me when I was in the baby cot looking my daughter sleeping . He was so afraid almost terrified …..and I gave him a smile  and he hug me immediately  and he was trying to breathe .He couldnt breathe . He felt so relieve, I know it . He couldn’t stand any more the silence. And he couldn’t find a way how to speak…
We are still in the journey until something new happens Again …………..
With all my love ell
 
 

[ell]

I just read your post and have tears in my eyes. You cannot imagine how well you can read me , If I you were near me I would give you a big and a tight hug . Only my mother can understand me so well and I feel you are my mother this time in my life.
You are so special woman velvet , wise and you have a talent.
I’m reading your post again and again and everything on my mind continuously changes , It is like you pushed Again Velvet the button which gives me power and strength to stand up immediately with no special effort  .You just did it .I feel that you made me find again  my forgotten self.
It has been along time that I have not thought of my boxes and made me realize that ultimately is a new birth for my own self too.
I feel the power and the feelings of your words. You broke my silence again …and
the feeling I have now is that I want to hug you and I want to hug my cg too  . I want to give him  a smile and a hug to move on .
thank you velvet you are a fantastic woman

[ell]

 ***** all and thank you

 ohhh Velvet trahnk you for all  …
I’m tired in my mind not in my body. So many things to deal with …. I need a pause.
I need time for all that. Maybe it is wrong choice my silence but I need time for my mind..Maybe I’m pushing him, I don’t know …You know..I have too much on my plate all this months. And all my problems are equally difficult.
 I have my cg problem , I have my family financial problem I have the less hours with my daughter and of course I have my businesses and I have crises here ,I own 3 businesses  I try to handle all the businesses financial and try  have c***nts. My head is full enough. If I don’t do that I will not have food on my home in the future, you can understand that.
My day time runs quiqlky and I have boxes in my mind. My right hand here when I come in my work she always starts:  at 10 minutes you have this appointment and you must stay only 10 minutes then you have to do this and then that. Now I open for 10 minutes this box to try finding a solution … after I must talk with the teachers here and find the solutions too, but I must have clear mind, after that I must talk with the banks and I also must have clear mind.
So I close the other boxes. when you have your own businesses and crises comes things are rough so when you also having a cg things becomes tougher …when you also having financial problems to deal with things becomes tougher, and when the day finishes at 23:00 and you go home, you understand that you saw your child only for 3 hours today and things becomes harder. And you are tired and sad because you miss your child, you cannot talk and talk and talk for the same things because you are tired and you must find some minutes to talk only to yourself.. I’m not a therapist velvet you can understand me , im his wife …Im not punishing him …

I try to do everything I can, that is why I have too much on my plate all this months
If I was only a wife and a mother I know that some things would be better. But I’m not .I don’t have time for a bath, I’m doing my hair and shower so quickly get my suits and leave home with a smile for my c***nts. My mind velvet is tired not my body so much but my mind.
Forgive me velvet for writing all these now but I realize now that I need it. I absolutely know that you know all of that and you understand me very well and with all of you I can give solutions to my cg problems.
I’m sad with the ***s of my cg and tired from all my problems that is why silence happens. It is not a trick. It happens because somehow someone cause it . I can understand velvet that this maybe is a punishment for both of us especially for my cg but let me tell you all my steps the last 10 days:
I am o person like you v, I want to discuss and communicate and talk and try with discussing resolve the problems. (but you are the one who always reminds me myself and my feelings and my own recovery )
It was Monday when I found out the first ***. He cannot speak to me, he cannot neither say I’m sorry, not because he don’t feel it but because he just can’t find the words or the way.
His day time is very difficult too he is working for so many hours too . And he is missing his child too.
The first 2 days I did a conversation with him I asked him why? What he was thinking? Why he choose it? For ***** to me. He cannot speak so I told him that ***s is something I don’t want in my life and now I must think how we are going to pay it . The next 3 days silence for the ***. We have a polite behavior.   I was waiting for something , something to tell me , even  I’m sorry , something .
On Friday I sent him a letter 4 pages velvet, trying to give him understand what is  addiction and the behavior of that, trying to tell him my thoughts and my feelings. Some of my thoughts were emotional thoughts with feelings and some others were just cynical. But I did it velvet. I gave him time to think 4 days and then I realized that he need help and because I was not so good for a face to face talk  I choose to write him a letter of my hurt . To give him the time to think without my voice and my face if he is afraid of me.
He answered me that he is very sorry and he loves me and he was afraid and he doesn’t know how to explain the choice he made. I’m not asking to explain me but I wrote him that im here I understand the addiction behavior and you must change it. If you don’t, you and I have a problem.
He understand everything from the letter and he gave me his answer writing too . But face to face silence .I wrote him that I love him and need him (in the letter)  but    if all the addiction problems becomes hard for me so that I cannot be a good mother for my daughter I will leave you,  to find myself and my power for my daughter . Because my child deserve the best mother of the world. But she also deserve the best father too so it is up to you to make things only right for now on.
All that happened the day with the letters. The next two days nothing and the third he told me another *** for money who owned to us but he ***d because he wanted to cover his friend to me. But this choice I told him that ok I understand that you want to cover your friend to me  but I cannot accept it.  I cannot understand how you can choose to leave me uncover for that money too?
If the timing was not the same for the wrong choices things could be maybe better. But happens the same time and was his choice again.So i start thinking that i speak to a wall.

That day was his therapist meeting.  The therapist  knows everything for me, he read the letters he knows the ***s everything. He be***ves in my cg velvet, yes he said that 3 or 4 *****.
The therapist said to me that my silence sake him because he is used of me with conversations and efforts.
And now he sees (my cg) that I’m not in the **** to talk and he realize that ***s are the only  way for loosing ell .  I wrote to  my cg that you afraid ell reaction  (mine) if she(i) leave ? But I wrote him that he will make me go from his wrong attitude.  He must try to do right things and he must succeed .There is no other choise.
And now for me:  You asked me “””Do you know where you want to be with him?  “””
I love him, I need him in my life and in my daughter’s life , I want my hair become white together ,  I want to go out from all this stronger and winners but if I understand that I cannot handle the situation  I will never leave someone to manipulate or take advantage of me or hurting me even he don’t do it on purpose velvet. That is why when the shine shine comes I don’t know where I would be…  
 And of course I know velvet that I must stand up again because I’m more mature and I can teach him again from these mistakes… and the silence is difficult because he is a close person and with no talking he is becoming closer and frightened and making steps back and we don’t need that now.
 But I think that silence also makes him realize that I’m not from silver and he must grow up. He is sorry for not talking me . Maybe someone tell that im pushing him …be***ve me that I’m not doing something on purpose ….My reactions just happens because I feel betrayed and I must change it that.
I don’t know if you make sense from all that….im at work and im writing to you all my thoughts …..
Thank you very much velvet ….for your help
 — 7/3/2013 4:18:27 µµ: post edited by ell.

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