[ell]

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[ell]

Hello
My update …
Eventually every day is different from yesterday. My mind matures every day from the addiction and I catch myself to reconsider many things. (From the good side) Things that was so important for me on year ago ..Today is not .But I had to pass through all… the chapters and grow up like a baby.
Why im writing this? What happened ?
Is because today I read all my posts from the first day I wrote here. I read my story. I had not read my thread until now.
Why I did that?
I don’t know. I just felt the need.
My cg is gamble free. He has his counselor every week. He is gamble free from the day he said it. His behavior is mature now he is free from many things. He works a lot. He is in the family with me and our baby . He is accountable now . But he had the power to pass over the addiction and stand up .
If you ask me if he was difficult for him ? I will say to you what he said to me :
“””No it is not difficult in my mind to handle not gamble again and im proving to myself every day . I m free until now and I will try to be for my rest of my life. I know what is right and wrong. No it is not difficult to understand a counselor telling me my wrong things with my behavior and just give the solution .I can listen . I did a big mistake with the gamble and i hurt you but I know that this is past for me. The difficult thing for me is not the gamble but to earn your trust again .i m here and always be here . Im not a “nothing” I know what I did now, im sorry , im here with all my energy and with acts that you can see . But im not going to be in my all life from now on answerable from everything wrong …. The day that the debts will finish will come and I want to be together with piece . The hard things in my life is not the gamble for me even you can not believe it The hard thing for me is to earn you trust again . The sock that you gave me and your attitude was the key. But now I need to let my self free.”””
Velvet if you can see it , im very happy and proud inside me(not outside) because he is the man I know now . He is strong now with confidence and of course he has all the knowledge to protect himself . From the first day he believed that he was a “nothing “ and now after all the kilometers he respect him self .
I know that he still is more immature and I know that there a lot of things that he can not realize or understand that I did or still do for a purpose .we are still in progresss…. He now is more accountable and he has his confidence and his acts are right .
As for me .. im a little tired . The But and the if is in a box in my mind. I don’t know if ever will go but I try to keep it in there. And of course im trying to let myself a little free and trust again.
The difficult for me is that I want a good healthy relationship not something in the middle. I think that someday I will be totally free.
With all my love ell

[ell]

hello no more
i missed all your posts …i missed you
i wish the appointment with the doctor to be the start to find your answers . To not give up on you and still try to find your answers is the big step . you are always in my thoughts .And dont forget that you are a person that easily can be loved , you are a nice kind and good woman no more . All the others can see that!
with all my love
ell

[ell]

γειά σου πριγκίπισα
I read your post and you brought me a smile on my face . you are almost there b , the time for the birth of your little daughter is coming . God be with you all the time and is is so good that you are now focus only to you and to your health . You are very strong b n now is the time not to worry for the addiction and your hb . He knows the the rules of the game.
i m very happy cause you feel now strong and that is all that matters now !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
you are in my thoughts every day
you are a wonderful woman b
with all my love ell
φιλάκια πολλά

[ell]

hello my dear velvet ,
i missed you so much .
I saw your post from the day you wrote it , i can not finish a day without visit the site . I think I m not ready yet .
I will send you my update . Im at work and I have really problems and I run .
My cg is ok , he is free with his counselor and he is so so free now .
I will write you all my update ..
With all my love velvet
Ell
Ps for velvet :(the signatures for the project fell )

[ell]

Hello jenny
I just read your post my dear,
I can feel how difficult it is when the time comes and texts or calls starts. How difficult is to manage our anger and sadness and say no to the addiction and cole the door for one more time .
I can see a lady who said no to the addiction and that is a win jenny.
I can see a lady who is defiantly determined not to go back
I can see a lady who knows what to do to protect herself and her children
I can see a lady who has knowledge about the addiction and she is wise
But I can see a lady who is straggling because she loves her cg and want him back deep inside her.
And I know my jenny that this is the most difficult thing to say, no to someone you want and love .
Some things are very hard sometimes but we can get up …and someday just feel free.
The medication (you know it) is to do things for you, go out, meet friends and why not and new people in your life ….that is what makes us stronger and stronger
Sometimes we are in the edge and sometimes we are more fragile but from my little experience with the addiction I know that when I stand up from something I was fragile I feel stronger.
Your recovery my jenny is your most precious thing in your life because when you feel totally free from this you will have win that nothing in the future will be so hard for not deal with it. And your children can see and learn from this that nothing is unsolved we need faith and love for ourselves and we can go further as much we are hurt.
When I was a teenager my father (he is dead know) I was in his arms and I told him a big problem I had . he told me what was the solution I was choosing and I told him and I was right for the solution and then he hug me and he told me that the hard thing is my baby to get well and recover after the solution .. He said to me that now is the time to cry a lot and find your relief ….time is the doctor .
I thing that now we are in this path here you and I know the solutions and we try to recover from this ..
All together I believe that we can go better … the help the understanding here and the advises and the others experiences is the best thin g we have here
Give yourself jenny the credits you are doing so well , I can feel the difficulty and ups down and the loneliness but I know that we can earn our selves back
I’m sending you a big hug and hope peace in our souls.
With all my love ell

[ell]

my lovely velvet thank you so much …
well today was a differnet day …..special different day for me!
here in greece we have crises and my mum is a widow and his pention fell at 300 eyros so things are difficult but my brother and i every month take care very good our mum.She is our priority . my mum everyday keeps my brother s boys and she is so tired because we all work until night (for years) and she keeps the boys from 09 morning to 23:00 evening . Too much hours in her age .But today we talked on the phone and i told her that tomorrow night in my home we will have the dinner and she told me no i can not come i m so tired my hair are bla bla bla..i dont have nothing to wear …
and of course it is true she has not bought anything for herself for a long long time …..
so the santa came for my mum today …. my cg took me and we bought her clothes and shoes and we gave her and she was like a small child laughing with joy for her presents and crying becouse we are thinking of her …
my brother gave her what ever she wants for bying the presents for her grand children and she was so happy.
So my day today is for my mum and im so happy for her …
thank you velvet and yes i want this christmas to remember from now on …
i wish you all my best wishes to your family and a happy new year. You are in a special place in my heart velvet , you are a special woman .
I hope here to all my friends that 2014 will pring peace in our hearts and in our families .
wiht all my best wishes for the new year .
ell

[ell]

I want to send you all my best wishes to you and your family . You are in my prayers san . Take care as much you can your health , and i hope your son to feel the click to try to see a life with no addiction.
You are a special woman san
with all my love ell

[ell]

So nice to read your update . I can feel your freedom , i can feel your wisdom , i can feel that from all your bad experience and pain you had you are now a very good-nice and powerfull woman .
You are an inspiration twilight .
Merry Christmas Twilight to you and your family
Love ell

[ell]

Hello madge
You are a strong woman madge and when I read your posts I can see the light and your improvement .I can see a woman a wise woman. You are doing so well madge , your strength every day becomes bigger and bigger . Im so glad that you now eating on the table and that you are starting thinking more your self and your needs . Don’t stop .
Sometimes the phrase :focus to your self sounds so little but I can say that this is the key for everything . Give power and knowledge to your self , give your self the respect he needs and you will see that day to day something will always change with a better way.
You have so much on your plate madge but you are doing so good my dear.
Im sending my best wishes to you and your family ,
With th all my love ell

[ell]

i just read your new thread jenny . I missed you ! Im so happy you wrote again. For your post i olny can see a very strong woman. Sometimes i can feel that is difficult to be strong but your wisdom and your calmness give you the weapen again to stand up . I feel so good inside me when im reading that now you feel happy . Im learning from you and from your story . You are building a very good life now jenny . Stay strong with peace jenny and someday we will reach the point o totally freedom / I know that that time will come .
All my best wishes my dear to you and your fantastic children
with all my love ell.

[ell]

Adele i hope like velvet wrote you that everything is well ? I miss your posts , I really loved to see an upadate ?
When you read your thread i would like to send you from my heart all my best wishes to you and your family .
We are all here for you adele , i hope that everything goes well.
with all my love ell

[ell]

Monique thank you very much for your so warm wishes .
From my heart I hope this year to bring you peace in your life and your family .
May all your dreams come true .
Thank you for all your support you are giving me …You are a special mother Monique and im learning so much from you.

Jenny im so glad to see you on my thread and see your posts to others too!!
Thank you a lot for your post and your support!! You are right my dear friend im not hiding all the time in my shell, I breathe but sometimes still hiding but I work on this …
Im so glad that I made you smile with the turtle lolololol
Im sending you all my best wishes to you and your family, I admire your wisdom jenny .
With all my love ell
My best wishes from my heart

[ell]

Hello velvet
Thank you very much for your warm wishes.
Well now it is my second Christmas here in GT site. Sometimes Christmas are difficult.
I couldn’t have made it without you velvet. I read the site almost every day but I don’t know what to write. But I cannot stop reading and learning from you and all of course.
Yesterday I was crying velvet because I went out , I left from my work for some hours and bought presents , clothes , for my daughter (only for her). Ι spent money for my daughter , I own her this year to find present under the Christmas tree. I know that the money could go for a dept easily but I choose to take something for my daughter this year. Of course my hb wants it too.
My hb is still free. Yesterday I had a feedback from the counselor and he told me that my cg now is more mature and he is still free and he wanted to say me(the counselor) “”thank you for your attitude eli “”he told me that my attitude was the key for my cg. I believe that my cg will now know how to protect himself.
Im here with him and we still try to open ourselves. When I try to remember the last christmas I cry immediately . Last christmas was very hard for me .
I think now that I can breathe. I think now that he can breathe too. We are going to sit home under the tree and play with our daughter and help her to open her presents . I think that are her moments now and I want to live with her , these moments . I make a promise to myself that this month is my daughter month and I will live it with joy .
I know that without velvet I couldn’t have made anything . I wish you , from my heart the best wishes to you and your family . Love and health to you and your family .You are so special woman velvet and I hope all your dreams come true.
As for me I still walk like a turtle… my cg is waiting for me to reopen my feelings , I think he is ready but I think that I walk slowly . But I don’t care because now I can breathe , I think that the moment that I will be free (totally free) it will come for me too.
Thank you velvet so much!! You are a special woman and I will be with you at the serenity prayer at Christmas .
With all my heart and love and my best wishes to all my friends here monique-jenny-looby loo-no more-twilight -berber-sosad-adele-madge-san-denise-james -janey-harry i wish you health and strenght and thank you all for helping me.
with al my love
Ell

[ell]

Hello Madge
So nice to meet you on your thread. I’m reading your posts and i thought that from all those questions I have passed too like you so many times.
I understand so well Madge that you need (more than everything) your questions to disappear, to find the solution to make the revolution that you need as you wrote. I understand very well what it is like the phrase “and what if I m wasting my time? And what if he will not ever recover? I will be failed because I will have lost my years waiting and trying for his recovery? I want and I need to move on , I know the feeling that I’m in the middle of the river and I need to go to a side that I’m pushing myself to go to a side because it is my character to find solutions on my problems. I know the feeling that when I have a problem I have 2 roads which one I will take? I know that all the problems have 2 solutions black and white, which one is the best? I m thinking and decide every time.
Well Madge in my journey i found out that all the solutions that are needing time to be solved are not a waste of time .I was late for that , I was struggled but I did understand it. The revolution is not black or white.
Ok for me white is that I will stay with you and you will succeed and black is that I’m leaving you I want to move on …I will take a divorce and move on …
In my journey I found out that my biggest mistakes that caused me all the problems from my recovery (not my cg recovery) is that I am impatient. I need the solution now, I need it now but I couldn’t see the solutions because I just wasn’t ready to see it, and that were when I was struggled.
Well maybe I’m wrong but in your post I can feel that you are a little impatient Madge. You need to take a side quickly because you feel that you are exhausted and tired and you need to know to what you will move on … where to give your power …because you are tired now.
The revolution Madge comes from inside you. Is for you .When I realized it that in my journey that was the time when my recovery started for me too.
I know you know it but try to see that with the addiction is not everything black or white. The other color is the grey. Maybe you can be friend with the grey color because is the zone we need before we will be ready to decide. If we are in the grey is bc we are not ready to decide but that makes us impatient and that is tiring. Find your forces..For you… don’t waste your mind for questions that cannot be answered. The recovery is so selfish and I think that maybe you are starting to feel it. Be selfish for you.
So what if my cg will not recover? So what if he starts his recovery but at the end will not succeed? You afraid that your hb will not succeed, so what? It is his life , So what my dear that he is in the same house with you? So what that he leaves with you? So what that he is in another bed? So what that he is trying for his recovery and you see that some things that he is saying you don’t like it? So what Madge?

You think that is a waste of time because you need to move on …
My sweet Madge no one keeps you for not moving on. To move on is something that comes from inside you ….to move on is your own true recovery . Open the door and move on inside you , you will find the key in your pocket just be calm and search and you will find the key.
My dear Madge stop worry about your cg , try to dig inside you for you ,
In my marriage all the first year was like we were separated. So what that we were in the same house, in my mind I was trying to find my power like im divorced, I was selfish for my own recovery and my child ….
You wrote that :
Yes: take care of myself, Yes: take care of my kids, yes: live in the moment……
Madge I know that you are truly understand all the upstairs but I need to ask you that now is the time to feel that, all of them feel the meaning of them inside you..
All the upstairs is the joy is the happy is the meaning of life.. Take care your children and play with them means Madge that you can be full in your heart about this and that you will stop caring about who is in home with you or what if he is going to recover? . Don’t care about things that you don’t know … just care about all the things that making full and nice woman and mother .
Stay in the grey zone Madge as much you need to feel your power. Be a friend with the grey zone.
I know that all this are very difficult steps.. I was very impatient and still am and struggled a lot of times with all that. I was there Madge too.
But one day I said that I’m here for me. Well you are in the same house with me because I need time to find out what I want so I will stay in the grey zone as much I want and do what ever you need with your recovery …and one day just came and we saw that we were in the same path . Be selfish with yourself Madge , be polite with your hb but be selfish for you and your children.
When I felt that playing with my daughter was not the thing that made me happy and full as a person …because my thoughts were in what “if I’m wasting my time with him I became so so so selfish because nothing will take my moments from my child and from my inside. That time I felt that ok we are with a polite behavior in the same house until something happens, don’t care if that was a divorce or not.
He was trying his own recovery and one day the time passed and we saw that we are in the same side …and we felt that maybe now we can start a little of trust and that was when feelings came up.
I’m saying to you Madge that when I was in your position it was very difficult for me and I can feel you but please don’t give up on your dreams …. Leave the moment with your self with your kids with your house and with your work and your finance. Maybe All that are enough for now to make you happy . Be selfish for that …

The day for you and your cg will come , No one knows what the recovery will be …But when the time will come you will be calm and wise that you will know what to choose..your power will grow so much !
Last year were days with no cents in my pocket …and I said to my brother, I cannot go for a walk my baby because I have no cents … and he said to me
The joy and the happiness doesn’t need money … Take your child and go just for a walk and talk for the sky the stars the moon and you will see that you will be so full inside you and so happy with your child with no money at all . He was right .
Yesterday I decide that I don’t have the money to make her a party for her birthday because a new debt came and I decide to pay it , I was stressed a little and sad but I said that I will give her the best moments for her birthday without money and felt ok again and happy.
Im sorry for the length but I hope something will help just for a second.
I really feel you
With all my love for the best
ell

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