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Dear Bettie! When I hear people at GA telling you that you have not been working recovery, it angers me to tell you the truth. Recovery IS a process, a lifelong process. We all have areas in our life that we have to address, and we work on the ones that we can work on, as we can, while staying abstinent from gambling to the best of our ability. We grow into the people God wants us to be. We aren’t miraculously changed overnight; we need to do our part. You have been working recovery and don’t let ANYONE tell you differently. Part of my recovery for 2012 is to work on worrying less and to establish a sleep routine to deal with my insomnia. I agree that at GA sometimes people need to hear things they don’t want to hear, but this person doesn’t know what they are talking about. Those of us that know you and know of the challenges you are dealing with, know that you have been working recovery and helping many others work their recovery. Happy RECOVERY Day Bettie!! Carole
Dear Bettie! Wow! Such wise words from yourself and others that have posted on your thread since your slip. From what I can see, this slip has been a huge learning experience for you and for the rest of us. It takes some of us a lot of time to really get a particular concept even though it’s staring us in the face. We get it intellectually but it takes time for it to reach our heart and for us to really get the full understanding. Sounds like you have made a huge leap in recovery as a result of the slip. Pumkin asks the relevant question- What are you afraid of if you end this relationship? Your answer could be that you would be lonely, but you’re already lonely in that "relationship," plus it is jeopardizing your recovery and this individual hurts you over and over and deeply. So the benefit to you is minus zero. So really, you would be losing nothing. You have been able to arrest your gambling disease and quit smoking, so you will be able to let this jerk go when you get the full understanding that he brings nothing good to your life. And like we talked about, having him in your life, leaves no room for someone wonderful to come into your life. You are a beautiful woman, inside and out, and you need only those people in your life that recognize your intrinsic worth as a woman and a person. You mentioned that he is charming. So are sociopaths and psychopaths. Just saying…….. Carole
My dear friend! Under the right circumstances, there is not a rcg who wouldn’t be susceptible to a slip. I can well imagine how awful you have been feeling, since January 1st. Been there, done that, but with not over a year of clean time, like you, and it felt oppressive. Larry says it eloquently when he says that your FWB "relationship" is not worth nourishing. We all know that, including you, but it sometimes takes time to be able to see it for exactly what it is, and to be able to make that final break. In the past, I’ve asked myself when I was in an unhealthy relationship, how many times did that person have to hurt me before I could let that person go. He is neither your friend nor does he benefit you in any way in your life. A slip is just that, a blip on the radar screen of recovery. And it can be a valuable learning experience. Try not to be hard on yourself about that momentary lapse in judgement. But don’t risk your recovery for a jerk that can’t appreciate what a warm, caring, loving person you are. I care about you. Carole
Hi Levi! Of course I remember you, you silly. I’m happy you’re back, happy to hear that you did so well for so long, and happy to hear that your job worked out so well for you. It is amazing the amount of emotional and financial damage we can do to ourselves in a short time, when we slip or relapse. Time for you to get back on the recovery train with us. Time for the insanity to stop. Carole
Dear Reds! Way to go on making it through the holidays without gambling. Going to Edmonton is my biggest challenge in terms of wanting to gamble at the casinos there, even though I am banned. My friend from Edmonton is here visiting and her husband drove her down here, and I will be driving her back to Edmonton when she decides she wants to go home. I have decided to bring my 2 year old granddaughter to the city with us, even though she is a domestic terrorist, and has to have everything her way, or she throws huge fits. it’s worth putting up with her behavior if it totally closes the door to the opportunity to gamble. The things we do for our recovery!! Happy Recovery Day! Carole
Hi Luke! I tried quitting smoking in early recovery and at almost a month of smoke free time, I caved, Not smoking brought out urges to gamble and to smoke, so I choose to smoke again, as I didn’t want to risk my gambling recovery. I thought it would be cheaper too. LOL! Some people can manage both addictions at the same time, but I couldn’t. I needed time to learn about the addiction and to learn new coping skills for recovery. If you’re like the rest of us, you will start experiencing raw emotions that you haven’t felt in a long time. I didn’t have the coping skills to manage these emotions in early recovery, so it was important that I put in barriers such as banning myself from the casino, lowering the limit on my debit card to an amount that wouldn’t interest me to go gamble with, making sure I carried a credit card that did not allow me to access money from, and a host of other things, like making a list of bills to pay and upcoming expenses such as gas, groceries, for the next two weeks. Lists of all kinds were helpful to me such as the pros and cons of gambling, recreational activities to participate in when my brain screamed to gamble, etc. When my addiction tried to highjack my brain, I wouldn’t be able to think about anything but gambling so the lists displayed prominently reminded me of why I shouldn’t gamble and what I could do instead. Read other people’s posts and keep posting yourself because you are in the honeymoon stage of recovery where you feel that it isn’t so difficult to work recovery, but as others have said, overwhelming urges can overtake you at any time of recovery, so be prepared. Work your recovery one day at a time. Carole
Hi Makako! Welcome to the GT community. You will find support and encouragement here if you want to stay gamble free. Many people come into recovery having lost hundreds of thousands of dollars, and have enormous debt to pay back. Way to go for not waiting till you hit rock bottom before seeking help. Gambling addiction is a progressive disease and never gets better on its own, always worse. You state that you go to the bookmaker to socialize. Many of us felt lonely and that was one reason we would go to the gambling venues, be***ving we were socializing with others there. That was a *** of my addiction. Be***ving that sitting beside another gambler and saying ***** and possibly complaining about the machines did not constitute friendship. Happy Recovery Day! Carole
Dear Cat! You mentioned in your post that it was almost like you were planning your slip, and I have to agree with you because my slips have been planned. I had already thought out where I would get the money from to gamble, where I would gamble, etc, before I left the house to go run errands in town. These days when I am having urges or thoughts of gambling, I stay home if possible, and don’t leave my house if I believe I’m going to gamble. If I have to go out I take a neighbour with me. If that’s not possible, I play out the tape, of losing money that I can spend somewhere else, of gamblers remorse. I remind myself that I can’t win because I can’t leave, ever. I make a list of what errands I need to do, and go do them, and high-tail it home. There are days that we need to really fight this addiction so that it doesn’t lead to a slip or worse, a relapse. Just for today I will not gamble. Carole
Dear Vera! I totally agree with your advice to examine my motives for wanting to contact the grandmother of the baby. I have done that and have to agree that no good will come out of me doing so. She certainly doesn’t need a reminder of that time in her and her son’s life, as she grieves her son’s death. I can’t even imagine having to go through that as a mother. I really feel for her thus need to keep my emotional distance from this tragedy, so that I don’t take on her grief, being a mother myself. As cgs whether we admit it or not, seek out chaos and drama, because that’s what we are used to. Great advice as usual Vera. Carole
Dear Sherrie! When I was compulsively gambling, I used to think that God would hold me accountable for not being a good steward of my money. But I believe God knows our heart and that my actions were part of my addiction. We have a merciful God so I no longer worry about that. ***** is part of trying to keep how emotionally ill we had became with our gambling disease. Carole
Happy New Year Izzi! I’m so glad that you are on track for recovery. I’m happy for you that your sister didn’t freak out when you told her about your addiction and the things you did to be able to continue gambling. We didn’t accumulate the debt overnight so it will take some time to pay it back. A suggestion might be to sit down and talk to your sister about taking longer than a year to pay your debts back. Many recovering cgs have deliberately made the decision to pay it back in a fashion that doesn’t leave them just working to pay debt, but that allows funds to attend weddings, treat themselves on a regular basis, etc. As rcgs we need to relearn the value of money and having some to spend on a discretionary basis is a necessity. Make 2012 your year Izzy, one day at a time. You deserve recovery! Carole
Dear Larry! First of all let me thank you again for the persceptive you provided to me regarding others actions regarding grieving. I was even prepared if someone had brought the ham that Mom usually brought. I was not going to say a thing about it, and let whomever brought it, cut it up. Thankfully there was no ham to deal with. I went into Christmas Day with a relaxed attitude and my feelings were that everything didn’t have to be perfect regarding the meal and what transpired that day. I was able to relax and even enjoy some parts of the day. I will not concern myself with how others are grieving or seemingly not grieving. Just because it’s different than what I do, doesn’t make it wrong. My intent this coming year is to work on worrying less about the things I cannot control. I look forward to the next year in recovery. It’s another new beginning for all of us. I want to acknowledge your growth at being able to share on a much more personal level. It makes you seem more "human" with struggles like the rest of us. And I like that person more because I know you more now. Happy New Year Larry! Carole
Hi Bettie! Hope you had a good Christmas. It’s boxing day here too, but I have no interest in hunting down sales. My husband goes back to work this afternoon after having been home for many weeks. I look forward to getting back to some sense of normalcy in my every day life. it will be interesting to see what the next year in recovery will bring in terms of personal growth for us. You’ll become a Nana for the first time and that will be such an indescribable experience. Happy New Year my friend! Carole
Congratulations Bettie on your grandchild due around July. I KNOW you’ll be an awesome Nana and there’s nothing like grandkids to make your heart glad. I love my little grandkids to pieces. Your daughter and the boyfriend should get into relationship counselling and anger management classes, so they can develop some skills, so that the baby doesn’t have to be around that chaos. Your heart will melt when you lay eyes on that precious bundle, and you will fall instantly and madly in love. Carole
Dear Bettie! I’m sorry to hear that you were so upset, but as they say awareness is the first step, and you are making progress in kicking that individual to the curb. You call him the friend with benefits. He is neither friend nor are there any benefits to you if you think about it. The benefits are all one sided. You would not allow anyone else to threaten your recovery, so why allow him. I can understand you wanting to smoke under those circumstances, so interacting with him also threatens your health status, with the many health issues you have. You lost sleep over how he treated you and you say you sent him an angry text at 2:00 am. Do you honestly think he lost any sleep over how badly he treated you? He knows from past experience that he just has to do the smallest kindness and then he’s back in your life. Seems to me that I also remember that he stood you up not that long ago before this. You have been able to quit gambling and work your recovery well, as well as quit smoking, which are two of the most difficult addictions. Think of him as an addiction and start working recovery so that you can cut emotional ties with this man. You know I tell you these things Bettie because I consider you a good friend and want more for you than this one-sided "relationship." Let go of the familiar like you did when you quit your other addictions, and deal with him like you did with the gambling and smoking urges. One day at a time. Carole