[desdemona]

Dear (((Bettie)))! Your boss chuckled when you called in sick? I wouldn’t have let that go. I would have asked him if he didn’t believe I was ill. It is unprofessional to say the least and disrespectful! Your workplace sounds hostile. I’m sorry to hear that your brother-in-law is so unwell, and I hope that he receives the care he needs and deserves. You my friend are working your recovery wonderfully! It shows me that complete abstinence is possible long-term. Way to go (((Bettie)))! Carole

[desdemona]

Dear (((Larry)))! How wonderful to see you post! Congratulations on all your clean time and your recovery journey. You helped me so much on my own recovery journey, and it is a journey, not a destination. We never arrive! How’s your precious granddaughter? Carole

[desdemona]

(((Liz))) Even though I haven’t been posting to other people’s threads, I read all postings. With your busy schedule, I wonder where you get the time to post. LOL! Your grandson going back to school should free up some time for yourself. I know you love spending time with him, but hopefully you’ll have some “You Time” soon. Sounds like that last house is a winner! I hope everything goes well with your purchase and the appraisal, so you can get your grandson and daughter settled, and then be able to move on from house hunting. I have to say that you are the strongest person I know emotionally. What you have accomplished since your husband got ill and then passed away is ridiculously awesome! Look after yourself dear friend! Carole

[desdemona]

Dear (((Cat)))! That mark on your leg that keeps changing…….I wonder if you were still gambling if you would of even noticed, and if you had, would you have sought medical care? I think sometimes we forget how immersed in gambling our lives used to be. And forget the emotional pain our gambling brought to our lives prior to recovery. I remember sitting at the casino and my phone ringing several times, and finally I checked it, because it was annoying, only to discover that Danny had been hospitalized for his COPD. I left the casino to go to the hospital, and stayed only a few minutes, just to make sure he wasn’t dying, and flew back to the casino. I resented having to leave the casino. There was another cg that I used to see at my gaming venue. She was diagnosed with cancer and died three days later. How did she not notice she was ill? Maybe she did but ignored it! I hope your mark on your leg turns out to be nothing serious! Your email about your husband made me think, as I only really think of the emotional consequences of having a husband who has an alcohol problem. It made me think that there is a toll to pay physically as well. Sometimes I have blinders on and don’t think about all the consequences of behaviors. I hope that this becomes a wake-up call for your husband, but as we cgs know, we only seek help when the consequences of our behaviors become worse than the pain of quitting. I was talking to my sister last night and she went to rehab for a suicide attempt and alcoholism. She says that she is having a glass of wine or two, after stressful 12 hour shifts in the ER at the hospital she works at. I am not a believer that alcoholics can ever drink alcohol responsibly after they have crossed the line and become alcoholics. I’m sure you will enjoy your family visit! Carole

[desdemona]

Thank you (((Liz))) (((Velvet))) (((Charles))) and (((Bettie))) for your birthday wishes! I will never forget the birthdays I have had with you Bettie and Liz! I had a really good birthday day and felt the love from so many people. I have been keeping busy with cleaning, weeding, getting ready for a garage sale, looking after granddaughters so my daughter and her husband could go on a mudrun/obstacle course last weekend. The girls fought constantly so it was stressful for me and exhausting. In the past two weeks I had my granddaughters for 7 days, which for me, is too much. Danny will be coming home for 6 days tomorrow night. That can be stressful as well, but like everything else, I take it a day at a time. Evenings I watch TV, but I do try and get out almost every day to go for lunch or supper with a friend, just so that every day doesn’t seem the same. I had a friend come help me weed yesterday, but I noticed that she was just pulling out the weeds, without the roots. I decided not to say anything as she can see me with my trowel digging for roots. I wondered why she covered so much more ground than I did. Soon I won’t be having to worry about weeding, with fall approaching! Carole

[desdemona]

Thank you Liz for your kind post! I do read everyone’s posts but have not been posting much myself. I had trouble sleeping last night. Insomnia has been my companion for several decades now. Thankfully I don’t have to get up at any specific hour in the mornings. I’m going out for lunch with my daughter and granddaughters today, and having a pizza and ice cream cake party tonight as the renters’ house as it is one of the guys’ birthdays, and mine as well. Danny is out of town. I never leave my birthday planning to someone else as that way I can’t complain that no one did anything for my birthday. On the recover front, I call it my “stride.” When I’m not gambling, it keeps bad feelings about gambling away. When I gamble it affects my stride, my ability to think more positively and not be ticked off that I blew a bunch of money, and didn’t hardly get to play for my money. Gaming is ruthless; they seem to need a large amount of revenue and they don’t care if you get to play even if you’re putting in large amounts of money. Gambling is stressful for me! Something I like to try and avoid. I find that I want to gamble when I am stressed out emotionally. That is my biggest trigger! Carole

[desdemona]

I’m sitting here having my morning coffee and cigarettes of course, at the renters house, while I have bedding in the washer. I’m trying to wake up and then I have cleaning to do here. I’m feeling anxious and somewhat agitated. A casual friend of mine who I spent time with yesterday told me that she didn’t work yesterday at the hotel where she works in the laundry area. She said that the hotel has been shut down as they have bed bugs. They didn’t tell the guests why they couldn’t continue staying there, only asked them to leave. Some of those guests will go to other hotels here, and if they are carrying bed bugs, will pass those bed bugs onto other hotel rooms. Now I’m paranoid that some of these people will call me as I have vacant rooms. I’m going to ask people where they were staying before as I can’t take any hotel people in case they would bring bed bugs to my place. That would totally destroy my business. One thing that has been bothering me a lot lately is the death of one of my long-time renters’ 21 year old daughter this weekend. He works with another one of my renters, so I get information from the other renter. The information I have is that some unknown person dropped her off at a hospital in British Columbia. Her heart stopped three times and she was put on life support and after Darcy and his family got there, she suffered another heart attack and died. The family will take her home to Swift Current for the memorial/funeral service. If you’re a long-term renter here, you become part of our extended family, and it ceases to be just a business transaction. I have been thinking that I may want to go to the funeral and give Darcy a hug, just to show him once again that I do care. The family have no information as to whether it was a murder, drug overdose, or anything else. Whoever dropped her off didn’t seem to want to get involved. They have surveillance of that, and the police are investigating and of course there will be an autopsy with toxicology tests. I really feel for this family! I am babysitting my 2 granddaughters starting Friday noon till Sunday. My daughter and her husband are going on a mud bog obstacle run. They went last year and had a lot of fun. Carole

[desdemona]

Thank you (((P))) for your kind post to me. I went out to Boston Pizza with a friend whose husband is involved with another woman he met online. He has told her that in 2 years he is moving to Idaho to go to school and to be with this woman. He rents a room somewhere else, but feels free to drop in to the duplex they lived in together on a daily basis, and talk to her about his relationship with this other woman. She can’t limit his visits as he is still supporting her financially. The restaurant was busy and the only table available was the one by the bank of vlts. She sat down first and I had to sit facing the machines. The pull towards those machines was intense, but what stopped me was my conviction that I would NEVER introduce anyone to gambling, like I was introduced. The potential of a person in a bad emotional place getting addicted is huge, in my opinion. She was feeling tearful and wasn’t eating so I asked her if she wanted to get her meal boxed up and to leave, and she said she did, so that’s what we did. I then went to the renters’ house as a storm was approaching and had some drinks with one of the renters and watched the storm from the verenda. We had lots of laughs recounting past experiences and I woke up today with a headache/hangover. Carole

[desdemona]

Thank you to my (((Friends))) for your kind posts, and they are appreciated. I finished my grandmother babysitting gig, and handled it well, other than one evening when the 5 year old was getting on my last nerve. I explained to her that Granny was very close to getting angry, and that she had to behave and not ask me something every few minutes. I tucked her into bed and kissed her forehead and told her things would be better tomorrow after I had slept. Not gambling has been going better and I haven’t gambled for awhile now. I spent the day running errands and buying school supplies for 2 boys from a single Mom family. I am also buying stuff for the 6 shoeboxes I do every year for Samaritan’s purse. I buy crayons, pencil crayons, markers, etc, and I buy them when the stores have them on sale as loss leaders. That way I can put together good quality boxes of things kids would like for Christmas in underdeveloped countries. Spending money to help others feels better than gambling it away. Carole

[desdemona]

Thank you (((Vera))) and (((Liz))) for your kind posts. They mean a lot to me. I haven’t been posting as I have been in a bad place emotionally and have gambled three times in the past week. I feel like a mouse and Danny being the cat. I am caring for my 9 and 5 year old granddaughters, and their dog, for a week as their parents have gone on a holiday, just the 2 of them. I’m going to have to manage their care one day at a time, as a week seems overwhelming. Carole

[desdemona]

It was not a mistake moving back to the acreage, as I did not have a job, had anxiety at job interviews, and I was not at a good place emotionally. What was a mistake was thinking that Danny would treat me kinder. It’s stressful when he is home as he does not treat me as an equal partner. He says I don’t have a source of income even though I clean the renters’ house. I would like to leave but I would need to do things differently, such as have a job before I leave, have our property on the market so that I wouldn’t be under Danny’s control because I was financially dependent on him. I purchased a new vehicle about 6 weeks ago and now have a $670 a month payment for the next 5 years, so I am in a weaker position financially. We also have a trip to Mexico planned in early January with my daughter and son-in-law and the 3 grandgirls. The airfare has been paid for already and if I weren’t to go, my daughter and her family wouldn’t go without me. It seems to me that I need to bide my time, and make preparations so that I don’t repeat the same situation I was in when I left last year. It’s tough getting a job when I’m 59 years old and have anxiety when I interview. Carole

[desdemona]

Thank you to all of my (((friends))) for your posts on my thread> I managed to drink the 4 litres of polyethelene glycol before the colonoscopy. Isn’t ethelene glycol antifreeze??? I had 2 small polps removed and 2 biopsies. I woke up before they were finished the procedure, thinking I was asleep in my own bed. I said I was tired and wanted to sleep some more. I have stopped being astounded by Danny’s lack of concern for me. It’s just Danny’s usual behavior- all about him! (((Liz))) I must say I was surprised to read that you won’t be able to go on our trip. I’m disappointed but I am going to plan a trip for myself anyways!! I hope that your grandson and daughter enjoy their new house. Carole

[desdemona]

I would normally be sitting here enjoying coffee, but instead I’m drinking 2 litres of colonoscopy prep. Yesterday evening I had to drink 2 litres of the drink from hell. It tastes like a nasty solution with gasoline thrown in for good measure. By the time I have this procedure done later this morning I’ll have not eaten for 36 hours. I’m not the least bit worried about the actual procedure. Incidently, Danny went and got himself some burgers when I was getting a haircut. He then baked himself a pizza and ate while I was gagging trying to get this prep solution down yesterday. He then followed this up with a big bowl of ice cream. He’s gone golfing this morning and I told him if he wasn’t here at 10:30 sharp, I was driving myself and would take a cab home from the next town. I told him he better not hope he needs me for anything medical in the future. Carole

[desdemona]

(((Bettie))) I want to acknowledge your brother’s passing 12 years ago. Time does go fast on one level after a person gets through the first few years of losing a brother. I know that you miss Frankie. I hope that you have a really good time with Deb, and wish I was going with you. Those new owners sound like they have not owned a bank/business before as they don’t seem to be familiar with labor laws and accommodations for disabilities. I would be documenting everything. Enjoy your time off!! Carole

[desdemona]

Thanks (((Liz))) for your kind post. My mother did thank me yesterday on the phone for helping with the move, and she’s still laughing abut my 5 year old granddaughter’s comment that she did almost everything moving my mother. I received a phone call from the hospital saying that I had to interview for the volunteer position of working in ER plus fill in an application, which is standard operating procedure, I’m told. I already dropped off my resume, CPR/First Aid certificate, RSW practice permit, and criminal record check. I have no problem with that so I will do that. I had hoped to start volunteering right away, but it’s going to take a little time. Still waiting to hear how the stem cell recipient is doing even though it’s been 4 months now. The recipient has to give her consent for the status report, but I can’t imagine someone not doing so. How am I feeling about recovery? It seems that on some level I have more control over my addiction, if that makes sense. I can make a decision without the addiction making it for me. I still have to be careful every time I go to town when I’m bored, feel the need for a bit of risk, and have too much time on my hands and nothing to do. That is why I decided to volunteer at the ER, as I feel that I may get a bit of an adrenaline rush at times there, filling my need for a bit of risk in my life. Plus it gives me something to do on the weekends, and it contributes to helping out the nurses, and some patients. I am looking forward to going to New Orleans in September with Liz. Carole

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