[desdemona]

Thank you (((Cat))) and (((Liz))) for your kind, supportive posts. They mean a lot to me. I didn’t sleep well last night hoping that the couple that called the Bouvier rescue organization would be interested in a Bouvier a province away, and most of all that they would be a loving family for my Ruffuss. Ruffuss is very attached to me as I rescued him from the SPCA, where his last owner had starved him, and to this day Ruffuss will not go into the basement, no matter what enticement he is offered. It is not a bit stressful when Danny is at home. It is very stressful as he is being abusive and blaming me for things that are not my fault at all, and getting angry about those things. He is also doing a lot of ****** talking to me, and I got angry yesterday and told him to stop as I didn’t like it. I need to move part of my sectional couch or my kitchen table and chairs to the city on the 18th, so that I have somewhere to sit other than my bed. Danny should be home by then from work so I will see if he will let me use his truck even though the truck box is small as he has a built in tool box in the truck box. It is probably good that I’m moving to the city in phases as it does give me time to adjust. I will not move till the financial agreement is in place, and Danny is working towards that goal. In the meantime I keep cleaning the renters’ house and pay myself, so that I can pay for my rent and utilities in my rental. I had lots of urges to gamble yesterday but managed not to. I keep telling myself that I need that money for my move to the city. I ordered myself a portable air conditioner yesterday for my new place as the bedroom is upstairs and heat rises. It’s been incredibly hot here for the past three days. I need to change out my curtains in my rental as they are flimsy and see through when the lights are on. I bought a pair for my living room but didn’t have anything to stand on to put them up. I love that I have stairs to get to the upstairs level, as it gives me exercise. I plan to start walking when I move. Today I will pack a box of things to move as that will be my one step closer to moving for today. Carole

[desdemona]

Dear (((Liz)))! I think of you often. I’m getting closer to having you visit me. Just as soon as I get 100% moved to the city, I’ll have time for you and I. There’s so much to do in the city and I’m excited to go to festivals and other events. I received an email about Ruffuss. A couple just lost their 12 year old Bouvier but they live in the next province so I will see if they are interested. I will be able to question them on the phone to see if I think it might be an appropriate family for Ruffuss.  I feel so bad that I have to adopt him out. I made arrangements to get my cable and internet hooked up on July 19th, so will travel the night before, and make sure I’m there all day. Danny returned to the city today to fly out to work early tomorrow morning. Leaving this "marriage" is involving hard decisions when it comes to the dogs. Heart-breaking decisions! Carole

[desdemona]

I am home from the city. I had planned to only stay one overnight but ended up staying 2 overnights. The first night in my new place, I slept horribly and woke up more tired than when I went to bed. Last night I slept better than I have for a long time. My bed got moved as did the boxes I had packed. The boxes are unpacked but it was over 30 degrees in the city and I couldn’t see my way clear to washing cupboards, so I left all my kitchen stuff on the kitchen counters. I hooked up my utilities at my rental, and am waiting for a phone call about my cable and internet package. I’m getting a free 40 inch LED TV for signing up with a new account, so now I don’t have to move a TV from home to my new place. I also opened my own bank account at a bank in the city, so I made some progress. Spent the couple days I was there with my friend of over 30 years, and we picked up where we left off, even though we didn’t see each other much while I was married. I did a bit of shopping at Walmart for things like a front entrance mat, dish drying rack, kitchen garbage can, etc. I had some anxiety throughout the 2 days buy kept telling myself that I was doing well, and that kept me going. I have no need to move my bedroom armoire as there is a small walk-in ****** that has shelves. I am moving light, with only the essentials. I noticed that when I was with my friend I had anxiety about making mistakes like giving her the wrong directions, etc. My self-confidence has taken a s**t kicking for years. Carole  

[desdemona]

Today is partial move day to the city, and I am staying overnight, as I am moving my bed from home, instead of buying one. My friend who used to be my best friend for many, many years, has invited me over to her place for a barbecue supper. I slept poorly last night and I’m sure it’s because of all the change going on in my life now, even if I know it’s the best change for me at this stage of my life. One step at a time!  

[desdemona]

Dear (((Bettie)))! Thought I’d check in on your thread and see what you’re up to. Hope that you and Deb have a great visit. I’ll be moving in some of my stuff on Monday, and getting the key to my rental. Carole

[desdemona]

Thank you (((Cat))) and (((Sherry))) for your kind posts. I am getting some relax time as Danny has left to go back to work and I don’t have any appointments scheduled on my calendar till June 23th, on which day I will drive my granddaughter to her mental health appointment. I will also go into the Laura store and see what I can buy there for my cruise. Shopping is limited in the small community I live in. My daughter and son-in-law’s possession date for their new house is on Friday. Moving may be a bit complicated for them as it has been raining for 4 days straight with more rain predicted, and their yard is pure mud as it’s a new build and has no gravel driveway or grass. Of course there is no hurry for them to move from my property, but I’m very sure they want to get moved into their house. It’s quite a ways for my daughter to drive the girls to school and to all their activities like swimming, gymnastics, etc. from my home. I believe that you’ll go on your trip to Scotland Cat. I’m so happy for you! No more "fat girls" store for you!! Call it the big girls store, and be proud of it. Beautiful women come in all shapes and sizes!! Carole 

[desdemona]

Dear (((Sherry)))! Your new house sounds dreamy, and I’m so happy that you and your husband have been blessed in such an awesome way. I know that you’ve both worked hard for it. On one hand you have the choice of a wretched life of gambling and a dream house. It would seem to be a no brainer, but so many of us have gambled enough money to pay cash for a house. Your Mom seems to be a cg and is either kidding herself or trying to kid you that she isn’t. That takes some kind of fortitude to sit beside your mother and not gamble. Way to go (((Sherry)))! I know you don’t want to disappoint your Mom, but maybe it’s not such a good idea to have any meals at the casino, or redeem any enticement the casino sends. Just my thoughts! Carole

[desdemona]

Dear (((Cat)))! I am so happy to hear that you have tentative plans to go home to Scotland to visit your family. I love (((runninggirl"s))) description of Scotland. You always do better when you have something to look forward to. I did not plant any flowers this year, not one. With renters I have my plate full and flowers mean dragging hoses around to water them with gazillion mosquitoes around. Not that I would have had to water them lately as it rained solidly here for 4 days. Today is overcast as well. It was winter here for so long this year and then all of a sudden it was summer, with no spring, which is when I do the major cleanup of my perennial flower beds. I didn’t even take out all the butterfly stakes and ornaments that I put in my brother’s memorial garden. Everything is still sitting in the gardening shed. But I’m OK with my decisions this year. We have not had our house up for sale this year, but Danny has to face the fact that this property is way too much for us to look after seeing as he works out of town and likes to golf every chance he gets when he’s home. At the end of 2014 it is going back up for sale. In the meantime, the rental income goes to debt repayment and vacations, like our cruise to Alaska. Carole

[desdemona]

Dear (((Bettie)))! Cat and I have met you and both of us would hang out with you and would enjoy doing so, and we’re good judges of people, so that should tell you something. Call the ex-sponsor and say you feel like going out for a bite to eat, and see what she says. If you go out, ask for separate bills, so that she doesn’t think it’s your treat again. She may pay for yours because you paid for the movie. Even if she doesn’t, she is paying for her own. I don’t wait to be included in activities; I invite myself. Sometimes I get rejected, like when I invited myself to the Cayman Island with Ingrid. I found out later that she invited a girl she is friends with in Toronto. I didn’t feel rejected because that was her decision who she went with. You have friends; you just don’t realize it. Carole

[desdemona]

Good morning (((Friends)))! The past three days have been rainy and overcast with a gazillion mosquitoes, so not conducive to outside work. Danny arrives home at midnight tonight from his 3 day golf weekend. He leaves to go back to work tomorrow later in the day. I am taking my 3 granddaughters to the movies this afternoon and need to clean my renters’ house before I do that. I looked at the 12 year old dog yesterday and it didn’t feel right for me to take it, so I decided not to. My granddaughter helped me do a pros and cons list, and the only thing on my pro list was that I would be giving the dog a good home. I am like an emotional sponge and felt depressed that someone would leave a 12 year old dog at the kennels to find a home for itself. But I reasoned that adding another dog to my 5 dogs was going to feel like another commitment and make me feel more overwhelmed. I didn’t sleep well last night and it took me hours to fall asleep. I just have to do what I need to do today despite being tired. I’m starting to plan for our cruise to Alaska at the beginning of August. I bought a cute black jacket to wear to dinner with a 50% coupon yesterday. I had four 50% coupons but the lady said I could only use one yesterday, for one item. So today I am going to go on the hunt for another piece of clothing at the big girl’s store at 50% off. Tomorrow I will do the same. Why would I pay full price when a bit of planning will get me some good pieces of clothing at half off? I love deals/steals! Carole

[desdemona]

Dear (((Liz)))! I’m so glad to hear that you did what was right for you. I understand a little about not being ready to scatter your husband’s ashes, as it took us 4 to 5 years before we were ready to scatter our "best" dog’s ashes. Please don’t think that I’m comparing scattering your husband’s ashes to a dog’s ashes. It was just too painful to even think about for both of us. There is no time schedule to buy new living room furniture or go through your husband’s personal effects. Be gentle on yourself (((Liz))). Carole 

[desdemona]

Dear (((Bettie)))! You say you need a life but you have one already. You have a daughter, family of origin, cats, a fulltime job, your own condo, and you do have friends that care about you. Not to mention your recovery to work on. I used to work with a young woman named Cathy who was petite and beautiful, inside and outside. She used to say that she wanted a relationship with a guy. The problem was that she was always getting involved with emotionally unavailable men, like married men. I of course pointed this out to her but nothing changed over the 8 1/2 years we worked together. Men and women need to make emotional room for available life partners. I believe that people choose unavailable men and women due to fear. Fear that if someone really gets to know them, they will be found lacking. My attitude is "what you see is what you get, and if you don’t like it, move on." You have a lot to offer someone and you don’t see it. I was told that to have friends, you needed to be a friend. What I found out through recovery was that most of the friendships I had were ones where I enabled others. I don’t have a best friend anymore where I live, but that’s OK with me, as I would rather have no best friend than an unhealthy friendship. There are a lot of healthy people I could call to go for a meal or a movie, but I don’t have the energy with my busy life to do so. What about people in your GA group. Is there someone that would enjoy an evening out? What about volunteering somewhere for a few hours occasionally? There are so many lonely seniors out there that would love a visit from you. Carole 

[desdemona]

Thank you (((Friends))) for your kind posts. I was feeling overwhelmed and exhausted yesterday and had to dig really deep to find the energy to do the things I needed to do. I did not want to go clean the renters’ house. All I wanted to do was sleep. I did it anyways so that I could reduce my sense of feeling overwhelmed. I also went to bed early and did sleep. Today my second Bouvier ***** to go to the groomers and I have a haircut appointment, and I want to color my hair. Today almost seems like a day off. When I was at the groomers yesterday with my one Bouvier, I saw a notice on the bulletin board about a 12 year old dog needing a good home. The family have moved and left the dog behind. I already have 5 dogs, four of them seniors. I keep thinking who is going to adopt a 12 year old medium size dog?? I am torn and feel like I should take the dog, but I already have so many. My dogs wouldn’t be happy with a new addition to our family, as they all want attention, though they would eventually adjust. If I asked Danny he would say go ahead, that I’m the one home with the dogs and looking after them. Carole

[desdemona]

Dear (((Liz)))! I wasn’t going to say anything about it maybe being too soon to scatter your husband’s ashes, but seeing as you mentioned that you may not be ready to do so, I thought I would put in my thoughts about it. I wouldn’t recommend it till you’re good and ready on your own time schedule. I know your mother has your best interests at heart but it has to be your decision. If you do things too soon, it may send you into an emotional tailspin. Grief cannot be rushed as much as we want the hurt to end. Thinking about you (((Liz)))! Carole

[desdemona]

Thank you (((Cat))), (((Neva))), and (((runninggirl))) for your kind posts. I am feeling overwhelmed though I am not complaining because I enjoy family around. I’m just not used to having family around fulltime. My oldest granddaughter is staying in my spare bedroom and she works her summer job and comes home in the evening, so I am not getting my alone relax down time I am so used to having. Danny’s daughter and three of her kids have been here 3 ***** this week while she cleans out the holiday trailer they just bought. So grandkids have been running amok everywhere. I am finding the amount of work with the renters and my own grand central station to be overwhelming. My dogs are constantly being let in and out, along with the mosquitoes. Weeding flower beds is so behind. Danny gets home mid afternoon and he isn’t going to be happy unless I get some cleaning done here before he arrives. I’m not getting enough sleep as barking dogs and a certain 4 year old granddaughter wake me up early. I just have to manage a day at a time till my daughter and son-in-law get possession of their house, which supposedly will be June 14th. I am just venting, not complaining. I know my daughter is finding it hard living in a camper and having to drive her 8 year old to school and to extra-curricular activities. I do look after the 4 year old while she is gone to the gym, as she ***** to go to keep her stress level down. Guess I’ll just attack some of this cleaning now that I’ve had coffee. Carole

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