[desdemona]

I did a bit of research and I have a name for what I need to deal with. It’s called emeshment and it has to do with taking on the emotions of people I care about, as if they were my own. It has to do with developing emotional boundaries. I didn’t learn boundaries as a child living with a pedophile father who criticized us constantly, a rageaholic mother who would be  physically violent with us as children with behaviors like slapping us in the face and kicking us. According to the literature I read, people who grow up in real dysfunctional homes may try and raise their own children in as functional home as they can, and become emeshed in their children’s emotional lives. I didn’t have a positive emotional life growing up so I tried to protect my children’s feelings from anything negative, which is not a good thing, as they don’t learn all the coping skills they need in life. My daughter and I did the same thing with my oldest granddaughter and she didn’t develop many coping skills for adversity. She has been mentally ill for several years but thankfully to the intensive mental health treatment she gets, she is learning the coping skills she *****. So now that I understand what I need to deal with, I will have to research how to get unemeshed. For me recovery has been about pulling weeds out with the root and all. Some people say that a person doesn’t have to understand why they gambled, but for me it’s important that I do, and that I address my emotional issues, in order to live the life I want to live. Something I find helpful when I have thoughts of gambling is to visualize me dancing with the devil. I don’t dance well so if I choose to dance with the devil, he always dances better than I do and he’s being charming, as he is a pro at being deceitful. So if I don’t dance with him, he doesn’t suck me in to gambling and feeling bad about myself. Another thing I notice is that when I’m not gambling, my spirituality has room to come through. Recovery has taught me so very much. It isn’t about perfection for me but rather of progress. Of dealing with emotional issues and getting healthier emotionally. Carole

[desdemona]

The unconscious mind is a powerful thing. I took a nap this afternoon as I was feeling tired. HALT- Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired! Any one of these can make a person more susceptible to gamble. I realized after I got up what has been bringing on my urges. They started when my daughter and her family drove to Winnipeg. I grew up in Winnipeg and my family of origin still lives there, including my pedophile father. I realized today that I have been stressed out about them going to Winnipeg. It’s like I’m the one who has gone there, and is experiencing the stress of being there and seeing people like my mother and my Aunt who is supportive but sometimes makes mean comments to me over the phone. She thinks she knows everything, much like Danny does. I know I am an emotional sponge for people I care about and their feelings. but this is crazy even to me, as to why I would have this emotional reaction. My daughter is travelling home tomorrow so that will put my mind at ease. Carole 

[desdemona]

With this addiction I can be going along fine with no urges for quite some time, and then bang, urges come on sometimes for several days at a time. I entertained the thought to gamble today, but instead of gambling I reached out for support. I spoke to Charles and that helped and also asked Danny to talk to me about why I shouldn’t gamble. I was feeling bored as I had nothing that interested me in doing today. With Charles’ help I was able to identify some things I could do instead of gambling. I will be going to town later today with just one debit card with a $100 ATM withdrawal limit, instead of two debit cards. That was a barrier that came to my mind when speaking to Charles so I got up and took the second debit card out of my wallet and placed it on the stove. I am going to buy myself something today for not gambling and will visit my ill granddaughter. I’m taking Ruffuss with me so that’s another barrier. One day is all I need to get through. Danny reminded me of how wretched I would feel after gambling. My bank closes in 5 hours for the weekend. Carole

[desdemona]

(((Bettie))) I felt I wanted to give you an explanation in case your feelings got hurt, as that is never my intent. I have never been to Niagara Falls even though I was in Toronto. I am planning to be a tourist in my own country when I get too old to travel to other countries. Vacations on a shoestring sometimes turn out to be the best of times. I know you two will have a grand old time. Carole

[desdemona]

Whew! I made it home safely without gambling. I took Ruffuss and he and I drove to a town 2.5 hours round trip so that I could get a new CPAP machine while I’m still on Danny’s benefits. He loves car rides and cheeseburgers from McDonald’s. I had urges and entertained thoughts of gambling, but I had my number one barrier with me, and I wasn’t going to make him sit in the car while I gambled. I had to pay $2,609 out of pocket until the insurance company reimburses Danny. Spending that amount of money sobered me up because I didn’t want to spend anymore money today gambling. I even stopped off at the bank machine and paid a bill that I can’t pay online as I have to do a meter reading, so it would have been real easy to go in and get cash. Thankfully rationality prevailed so I have another gamble free day today. Thankfully it’s cooled off today as well.  Carole 

[desdemona]

Dear (((Debbie)))! I see you haven’t posted since June 24th, and I was wondering how you were. I’m sure you and Bettie had a wonderful fun time together, when she visited. I know the feeling of relief I get when I spend time in my rental with my own furniture there. I can imagine that you feel the same. especially coming out of a hoarder’s house. I still have pictures to hang, curtains to replace, and cupboards to wash, TV stand to put together, etc. before I’m really settled in. I’m back and forth as I am still looking after the renters house when Danny is away working. We have agreed to a financial settlement and Danny’s friend is going to buy me out of the property, and they are going to expand the accommodation business. I know that my gambling addiction is deeply rooted in the abusive marriage I am leaving. I escaped abusive behavior at the machines. I would have thought that I would have a lot of strong gambling urges leaving my marriage, but honestly it’s been fleeting thoughts and mild urges at *****. Now that I am going to be financially responsible for myself, I can’t spend money like I used to. How’s you and your new love interest?? For me a man is the furthest thing from my mind. I just want to breathe and spend time with my grandkids and female friends. I have never lived alone in my adult life so that is something I want to experience. Hope you are doing well in your recovery. Carole

[desdemona]

Dear (((Bettie)))! I hope that you are doing well despite all the goings on at work. I received two good pieces of advice when I was working. The first was choose your battles. I used to try and stand up for every injustice I saw with clients I dealt with. As hard as this is to believe the government department had to rewrite part of its policy on one benefit program they had, as I kept a spouse on benefits after her husband died even though according to my supervisor, she wasn’t entitled to. But the legislation missed out a key factor of how long the couple had to have lived together or been married. The couple had only been married three weeks I seem to recall. The long and short of it was that my lady got to have the benefit. I took that to heart of choosing my battles. The second thing a different supervisor told me was that if I had time to watch other people not doing their job, I wasn’t doing mine. I didn’t like the comment at the time as this one girl did nothing but visit with clients and staff pretty much the whole day, and the other staff would be left over and over, doing part of her caseload. She had a gift for small talk and visiting. Her behavior would irritate me and she had these long nails that she would gesture with, overpowering perfume, and wore inappropriate clothing to work like low cut tops, and she would be chatting and laughing most of her work day. She was a minority and this was the federal government, and any time she would be taken to task by upper management, she would scream racism. I guess what I’m trying to say Bettie is just do your job and don’t get caught up in the drama of your workplace. Do what you can in the number of hours you work and go home and forget about the injustices you perceive in your workplace, unless it directly affects you. Like the title of that book "Don’t sweat the small things." I didn’t invite you for a visit at this time as I don’t have the room to sleep you in my small suite, and I know at this time that you can’t afford the trip. I would like to get together with you again sometime. Carole     

[desdemona]

(((Liz))) I’m so happy that you got to speak to your grandson tonight. And also happy that his mother is following through on her promise to take him to Disneyland. I have been feeling lonely since I stopped running around with my move and everything else I had to do. But in actuality, I’ve been lonely in this marriage for many, many years. so really it’s no different. The only difference is lonely without compulsive gambling. I am going to miss my little granddaughters when I move, as I see them frequently. They are in Winnipeg visiting my family and I miss them. It was so hot here today that I feel sick physically. I took Ruffuss to Dairy ***** and bought him some ice cream. Of course that was after the bank was closed. LOL! He has separation anxiety since the other dogs left the house. He was howling when I went to clean the other house. Now I have to take him pretty much everywhere, and if I can’t take him, I have to hurry home so he doesn’t get too distressed. He’s my biggest barrier to gambling right now. LOL! Hope you sleep well and hope I do too. Carole

[desdemona]

Hey (((Sherry))! I am just checking in to see how you’re doing, as it’s been some time since I have been able to do so. I see you haven’t posted since June 23th I believe. it does sound like you have a lot of work with the new house and getting the old house ready for sale, not to mention the farm animals. If you don’t like the way the table finish turned out, why not do what I do and put a table cloth on it. Way cheaper than buying a new table down the road, and you can change the look any time you want.  Carole 

[desdemona]

Dear (((Kathryn)))! Thank you for your support on my recovery journey! Way to go on 4 years of gamble free time!! Fiji sounds wonderful! How awful that bridesmaid’s behavior, even if she was drunk! I marvel at your patience when it comes to your husband’s gambling, while you work on your recovery. I suppose he has to get sick and tired of being sick and tired before he decides he wants recovery. He has a perfect example in you that recovery works! As we advise the partners of cgs- protect  your own finances, which I’m sure you’re already doing. Carole

[desdemona]

Dear (((Larry)))! I had to go through to page 4 in the threads before I found you. I hadn’t been posting to anyone for awhile as I didn’t have the emotional energy to post or read other people’s posts. I have made many changes in my life lately, as you probably know. I have rented and signed a lease for a year in the city, and have negotiated with Danny that I can spend some of the days when he is home in the city. I don’t plan to start looking for a job until September, as I want to enjoy the summer and take time to adapt and adjust to all the changes in my life. Danny and I have agreed to a financial settlement and it will take a bit of time for him to pay me out. He isn’t trying to stall so I’ll stay longer. He believes that I am moving away permanently and doesn’t want to make an enemy out of me. Liz is coming to visit for a week, probably on August 1st. Hopefully Bettie and you, and I and perhaps others can meet at a GA conference again sometime. Hope you’re feeling well physically and emotionally. Carole  

[desdemona]

Dear (((Harry)))! Congratulations on 6 years of being gamble free. You are a testament that people can lives life without compulsive gambling as a crutch! It starts out as a crutch but soon turns into a noose around our necks. You say that life can be turbulent without gambling. Turbulence hits every person that’s alive at *****, but in recovery we’re better able to manage this turbulence, as we are present emotionally and healthier. Thank you for your support to me in the past 2.5 years. You have saved me from myself on more than one occasion. Respectfully yours, Carole

[desdemona]

Dear (((Liz)))! I had a couple of gambling thoughts today so I am safeguarding myself by not going to town till after 4:00 pm, as my bank will be closed by then. Yesterday I had a few gambling thoughts but I made sure that the errands I had to do started at 3:00 and lasted till the bank closed, so I kept myself safe. Instead of planning how to gamble, my thoughts and actions were geared towards not having the opportunity to gamble. It’s a different mindset than I used to have. I invited Cat to meet us in Calgary and go to the mountains with us. She’s a lovely person and you would really like her. She lives in Manitoba and only one province separates her from me- Saskatchewan. I don’t know if she will meet us, but the invitation is there for her. Carole

[desdemona]

Dear (((Cat)))! I can well imagine that your precious grandson would be in your thoughts consciously and subconsciously at this anniversary time. That’s the way grief works especially in the early years. Anniversaries and other occasions like holidays leave us vulnerable to coping in unhealthy ways, so it’s best to safeguard ourselves as much as we can. Perhaps you would want to honor your grandson in a way that is unique and special to you. Liz and I are going to go to Banff and I was wondering if you would be able to fly into Calgary and we could pick you up and we could spend a night or two in the mountains. Just a thought! Think about it seriously! Carole

[desdemona]

The sun is shining and I’m having my morning coffee, trying to wake up. I didn’t sleep well last night. The lady from the couple who are adopting Ruffuss in later August phoned me for reassurance that I hadn’t changed my mind about letting them adopt Ruffuss. I assured her that there was no way that I was staying in this marriage, so no way that I was changing my mind. We chatted about Ruffuss and her last Bouvier for about an hour. From the very first conversation we had, we had a natural rapport and even friendship of sorts. If I had a check list of what I wanted for a new home for Ruffuss, every box would be checked off with this couple. The conversation hit my heart and not my head that I am going to have to walk away from Ruffuss when the couple take him as their own. Ruffuss will be depressed and confused for a time after they take him, as that is how he reacts to change. With the other dogs and the furniture leaving my home in the past 2 weeks, he is just starting to feel a bit relaxed. He still shadows me but not as much. I know he will bond with these people but the thought of Ruffuss being distressed for a time breaks my heart. I am excluded from every casino in Alberta which is a great thing, so moving to the city is not going to be a temptation to gamble. I may take Liz to the Tuesday evening recovery group on Tuesday night at the addictions agency, if our schedule accommodates that. It’s a no pressure support group lead by someone who is not a compulsive gambler, but who understands addiction. One of the compulsive gamblers that occasionally attends threw himself into educating himself during his recovery, and now has a PHD. I’m toying with the idea of auditing an anthropology evening course at the University for interest sake. No papers to do, no exams to write, so no pressure. It’s going to take me time to get out of the mindset that I have to report to Danny what I’m doing and where I’m at. Carole

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